HCwDB of the Week
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010
HCwDB of the Week: Mister Liptatt and Holly
With sneery ‘tude, stupid tatts and gangsta hand gestures, Mister Liptatt is classic Vegas pudwack. With perfect curves and taut, suckleable everythings, Holly makes the Archangel quit playing Parcheezi. Together, they are Weekly.
The voters speak:
Nancy Dreuche: Not since “The Mystery of 4-Prongs Prong” have I been so indecisive. All three are supremely douchy, all three make me want to cram my magnifying glass directly into my eye, and all three make we want to bat for the other team. But there can be only one, so my vote goes to Dipshit Lip-Tat and his Three-Ringed Missus.
Rigel: Liptatt is ultimate chode: he has neither the body (check saggy man titties) nor the grooming skills (check face fungus) to back up the cockiness that he exudes. Could he beat me up? Probably. But I’m also a 120 pound girl. And would have to be very, very drunk to be in the same room as him.
Baleen: When I saw the disgrace that is Liptatt somehow pulling HoH material, I annointed my balls in Sterno fuel and lit them on fire. So I thought, “hey, this fruitbag deserves a weekly.”
douchesquire: Mister Liptatt and Holly for the win. She looks to be about perfect, and I’ll cast aside thoughts that the sunglasses are hiding wonky eye or something similarly terrible. He just plain sucks on every level.
Deltus: knowing that a taint crumb like Liptatt is even allowed within 10 feet of such bodysuckle perfection sends me into a baby harp seal murdering rage. And not even for the pelts, I’ll just discard the carcasses off to the side. Don’t blame me, blame the dumbest neck tatt to ever adorn such an undeservedly lucky choadwank, and the hottest body to grace this website in a while. Stupid seal babies… *stabby stab stab*
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: I make it a personal point of emphasis to vote for GSR but Pepperoni Nips and Holly are really what this site’s all about. Plus LipstickTatHole seems to have “Mind of Mencia” stenciled to his neck. WTF? Seriously, WTF?
Charles Ulysses Farley: Liptard and Holly FTW. The juxtaposition of her hottness and welcoming smile to his douche aura and arrogant smirk is the kind of thing that causes God to destroy cities and flood the earth to rid it of wickedness.
ehcuodouche: Ultimately, his moobs will be larger than Holly’s and she will not like the competition.
Guns-N-Douches: oh my Holly. The rings of delight that are your bikini bottom would sound just wonderful bouncing across my tile bathroom floor as they are discarded to make way for a game of Wesson Oil Twister. Lipshitz and Holly FTW.
Bag Margera: To see him infect such a beautiful girl with such beautifully sculpted chesticles, makes my eyes rot with bleach.
End the Haberdouchery: Holly’s body just gave me my first of many boners for the day. Tip of the cap to you my lady.
Medusa Oblongata: Dangit. I haven’t been this confused since I slid open the drawer of my nightstand at bedtime yesterday and had to choose between the Eager Beaver, the Pony Express or Thunderfist 5000. I’m gonna go with Mr. Lipptat, however, ’cause he’s clearly the biggest dildo in this drawer.
mr.reeve: Holly has the frame that makes dogs bark, cats meow and grown men wet their pants.
ElderDouch: I have to go with Mister Liptatt and Holly only because Holly is the hotest of them all in a kind of pumped up fake boobies sort of way.
douche bagel: joey orange came out swinging GSR like he invented it and wanted a patent. maybe signa woo phi sisters were impressed but not holly. lipster mctatt sneered in his general direction and flexed retarted peacock moob and holly grabbed the nearest shower curtain and put herself directly in the line of grease. joey backed off because its ladies night and he had to do more pushups
Nice showdown scenario, Mr. Bagel, and it was a convincing win/loss for society. Indeed, it was Holly’s dangerous curves that took the Liptatt over the top. A solid second place finish for the toxic orangicity of Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters:
justadouchalo: Hots in cocktail dresses? Ass stain with his shirt off? Yup, Joey the Orange for the win. Why no one has slammed this colon polyp’s head in a car door ala Raging Bull only Allah the Beneficent and Merciful knows.
all bagged out: Joey the Orange makes me puke. Violently. And I hate puking. The GSR is embarrasing and mock-worthy.Now pull your pants up Joey, you silly assclown.
Douchey the Great: It’s Joey the Orange FTW. The video says it all. The Scrotometer was off the charts and with all the Bleeths licking the camera. After watching that I needed a shower and body scrub like in the movie Silkwood.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: His alias is Joey the Orange and he is the new Gommorah.
One for the Choad: Clarissa is a lovely slice of cheesecake, and Holly has the best bod (though a bit too far on the bleethy side), but the combination of girl next door hottness plus that obnoxious GSR gives Joey the Orange the win. Yuck.
theshadowhost: Joey Orange, because it’s hailing douchebags and no amount of quarters seems to make the problem go away.
Business-Casual Douche: Joey the Orange FTW, on the strength of that supplemental video alone. He’s a complete choad, but you gotta give the guy credit: It’s not even noon yet and I want to shoot myself.
Eliza Douchecoo Joey the Orange, just knowing this turd is out there makes me feel dead inside.
Joey the Orange makes all of us feel a little deader, E.D. Good call. And in third place but with a respectable showing, the Abercrombag and Clarissa’s Tautness:
boatbutter: Abercrombag already has the “D” tattoo. I say give it to him.
Mr. Scrotato Head: When he’s older he will regret getting the tramp stamp and look to have it removed. In response to the laser technician’s initial question Abercombag will cornfully spit “Of course the one on my groin. You think I’d want to lose the sweet one on my ass?! Pffft!”
Douche Springsteen: the Abercrombag’s “psscht, yeah bro, my shit’s hot” sneer is the most offensive visage of the three. Clarissa’s taut curves and the Abercrombag’s sense of entitlement for the weekly.
Nicely tagged, but this was the Liptatt’s innovative douchal maneuvers and perfect body curve’s week to shine. Lets let Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang take us hime:
Liptatt makes me want to take a bath in pure ethanol to cleanse me of any possible skin bacterial infections I’ve gotten just from looking at his picture. Holly is so hott, she has started a fire in my nether regions. Liptatt FTW all the way.
Chalk up a solid first contender coupling of classic vegas poo on a platter served up for our next Monthly. And now I eat Frosted Flakes.
Monday, September 20, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Coming off last week’s Monthly, in which Edgar and Joss carried Orange Brothabagedness to a well deserved monthly win, we have some choice cuts of hottie/douchey wrongness this week for your perusal. Your finalists are:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters
Toxic Orange Groin Shave Reveal = Reason #43 that Daoist Monks are bitchslapping each other rather than meditating on the silent Om.
For when Joey the Orange is out there, the silent Om reverts to the very loud mock.
And that is as it should be.
For he is poo. And lets not forget Joey the Orange’s bonus response in the comments thread, which called us “losers” and led us to this.
The Judith Sisters all pledged Kappa Kappa Woo two weeks back when Sophomore Year started. And this is their first party. And they hate their dads.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Mister Liptatt and Holly
Neck lipstick tatts.
Douche.
Sure, I could try to be more creative in parsing the distinct level of ‘bag here. But lets just call it what it is. Arthritic shoescrape.
Mmm… Holly.
I would body surf through an ocean wave of phlegmatic snails just for the chance to file the missing sudoku squares left behind by your Aunt Belinda after a particularly exhausting game of assisted living Parcheesi.
Yup.
No idea what I’m saying anymore.
But Lipstick Tatt Douche with “gangsta” pose is highly qualified for Weekly mock, and Holly’s curves are lemonade milkshake wonderland dreamboat chewtoy gnaw.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Abercrombag and Clarissa
Clarrisa is lean and mean perfectly taut and tan the reason you hate your girlfriend hottness.
The Abercrombag inherited more than you make in a year. And then blew it on tequila and blow.
Tequila and Blow being a folk duet out of Austin. You might remember their 1974 hit, “Sunshine Isn’t Just for Lovers.”
Okay, now I really have no idea what I’m writing.
But back to this coupling. We all hate the Abercrombag’s retch. We all want to pooch lick Clarissa’s pot belly potty bell.
Add it up and it’s a worthy toxic swirl of hottie/douchey commingle.
But enough to win the HCwDB of the Week? That’s where you come in.
Just missing the cut were Tough Guy Chase, the cryptogaybaggery of The Taterbag and Tonya, Joe Flannel and Francesca, the odious Canadian Kleenex Mafia and Hipsterbag Michel.
Three can enter.
Only one coupling can rise to the top/bottom of your coffee creamer sugar swirl.
Which will it be? Mister Liptatt and Holly? The Aberbcrombag and Clarissa? Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters? I need your help. I can’t do this alone.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, September 9, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn
The sentimental favorite of the ‘bag hunters, since it was a first person ‘bag tag (by Andrew, obvi), Andrew’s Bro may be bantha fodder in the Monthly, but he’s a well deserved Weekly winner. As is Kaitlyn Hott. For she is blondey yummy. Mmm. And don’t forget the run: Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.
The voters speak:
DoucheBigue: Andrew’s BroBag FTW. It’s a close call between him (it?) and Nil Hardy. Both are annoying douchebags, but I feel that Nil Hardy is more of a mother’s-baby-spoiled-bag and that’s easier to ignore and self-absorb-pudwhck Brobag whom I’d like to slap in the face with that piece of plywood soaked in crude oil.
I R A Darth Aggie: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn FTW. Mostly because it seems that he’s trying to reach into my soul and pollute it with Axe.
Blinded by the Shite: the effort show by Andrew’s Bro in his douchiness, Kaitlyn in her elbow-suckleness and Andrew in his, err, tagginess leaves me certain that I’ve made the right choice.
tall guy: AB’s Mark Of The Bag is the most luminescent I’ve seen for a while.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: Gotta go with Andrew’s Bro. To mock the ones we care about in hopes of them seeing the errs of their way is true family love. That silly twat waffle needs to re-evaluate his life choices before Andrew takes matters in his own hands and neuters him in his sleep. Justifiably so.
Wheezer: This is our service to all young men and women of the world who are willing to turn in anyone violating the terms of good taste. But we’re going to leave it up to Andrew to help his bro step up his game for the Monthly (by supplying more douchey ass pics).
dbBen: I really feel like we can make a difference here. And that difference is killing the corporate branded faux jovialness that the brother of Andrew drinks like a liquid twinkie. Delicious.
Deltus: Gotta go with Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn. His face has the sneer of unearned entitlement that the other doucheknobs just don’t have. It makes me stabby.
MC 900 Foot Douchebag: Andrew’s Bro FTW. Guy was turned in by his own bro(ther) that tips the scale heavily in my mind.
Mr. Biggs: one of the qualities of a true douchebag is his “infectability” – meaning his ability to find glorious unspolied giggle hott and despoil it. Andrew’s bro has it in spades. And the sleazy taint in his eyes reveals true bag zen.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: There are three important reasons why I’m voting for Andrew’s Bro. First, as a lesson to all those who might be blinded to obvious douchery by family ties. Second, the mark of the ‘bag. Thirdly, Kaitlyn. Oh Kaitlyn.
Mr. White: Andrew’s Bro: He is glistening mark-of-the-bag pudwhackery, with a plaid visor as garnish. Two, possibly three of the girls he’s with are out of his league. His brother reported him. ‘Nuff said.
soy bomb: It’s a special case, with the younger brother outing him, and I feel something as powerful as that should be recognized.
Nicely tagged, team, and soy bomb is exactly right. Andy turned in his Bro for our help (mock). And rightly so. For his ladies are undeserved. It was pretty even voting, with Neil Hardy and Marsha’s faux wood paneling coming in a close second:
Wedgie: Neil Hardy FTW, and Gilligan wants his hat back.
SloppyJoe: Neil Hardy only owns one set of “cool clothes”. He saved up for 4 months at his Jimmy John’s delivery job to make that happen. He only busts them out on the weekends because his cousin said that washing the Ed Hardy shirts can make the sequins fall off, which is totally not cool.
Baleen: Neil Hardy ftw because his contributions to society include totaled Hondas and microwaving a mean hot pocket.
RAPETIME: Neil Hardy. Like any member of the proletariat, he is trying the least and yet getting the most. Barely legal indeed. I tip my hat to you, good sir Hardy, by which I mean I fap weakly to the pictures of your 17-year old kegger attendees and then fall down weeping.
broseph12: Neil Hardy for the win of course – hanging with hot barely legals looking like a total tool
Architeuthis Douche: The Hardy boy looks autistic and is still dressed up like that. I don’t know whether to blame him or whomever dressed him, but someone is responsible for this sin.
Bob Mcadouche: Have to go with Neil Hardy. Because we haven’t seen a wankster midwest choad represent for quite a while.
ElderDouch: Neil Hardy and Marsha Hott FTW. That hat alone gies it to him.
The hat is indeed mockworthy, ElderD. ‘Bagling Neil nearly pulled it off. And in third, but also with solid support, The Breaker Morans and Zebra Hott’s arse:
Crocodile Dun Douche: Jesus bling shorts, some sort of wrist cuff leather thing, the derp smile, that suggests some sort of early life lobotomy. And then theres Jennifer Love Hewitt hott in the middle… I’ll whisper to her ghost, then run when after she claims to have contacted the other side but really she’s called the police on me.
Dicy: In basing this all on the hotts and going with the Breaker Morans and Dolla hotts. Mmmmm nom nom nom!
End the Haberdouchery: A Burberry baseball hat and a Coach bucket hat are the pinnacle of crappy-looking, overpriced accessories, with the possible exception of a Kardashian sister.
mr.reeve: Dolla Hotts FTW. Because Zebra Bikini Hott has a fantastic arse. She is all that is right about HCwDB. She makes mocking these pictures tolerable and worth while.
Eliza Douchecoo: Morans FTW. That hair, that hair, I went to the mall this weekend with the wife and wanted to punch so many dudes in the face with hairstyles like this
Jacques Doucheteau: I just want to kick their ass for that hair. Hell, I want to kick their hair’s ass for that hair.
Douchey Lewis and the News: The Breaker Morans FTW. Anyone who takes 3 hours to get dressed up for the beach is an auto wank.
Vin Douchal: Zebra Hips is HoH , my friends. All these douchebags are equal, Zebra puts her group of ants over the other cock-a-roaches.
Zebra Hips offer glorious fondle sunrises and taut, shining seas of golden boing. But this was Brobag and Kaitlyn’s week to bring even more shame to Canada. Lets let Condouchious take us home:
I’m voting for Andrew’s Bro for one reason – his own brother is calling him out. This is based more upon potential and/or unseen douchiness, but I imagine the level concern must be high for one to turn on his or her own family. Either there’s unspeakable baggery not documented in the photos provided or Andrew can sense that the Grieco virus has mutated and is taking over at an accelerated rate. Andrew reached out to us because he doesn’t want to be the Michael to his brother’s Fredo, and that’s commendable.
And lets not forget Kaitlyn, Condy. She is a tasty dish of confused late teens. We’ll see Andy’s Bro and Kaitlyn on Monday in the HCwDB of the Month, where they stand no chance of winning. And now I get Honey Combs.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Holiday’s over. Lets do this. It’s an all Pudster/Hott Weekly. Real world choad. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn
The first Weekly to be reader tagged in awhile, Andrew’s Bro is all sorts of layabout fratpud.
And his nice assortment of young, fertile Canadian hotts gives him a quality H.C. balance to the wrongness equation.
Witness the run of suburban cheese in Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.
Andrew’s Bro is the kind who doesn’t worry about the future. And as he was tagged by his younger brother, a rarity in ‘bag tagging, we don’t even have generational disparity to claim a culture gap to excuse his toejammery of posing with the ladies.
Andrew’s Bro is a true wankstabag. And Kaitlyn is all sorts of Canadian accented giggle hott.
But enough to take the weekly? Here’s our next pudster:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Neil Hardy and Marsha Hott
Neil Hardy parties while his parents are out of town at an Insurance Seminar in Aames. Fo’ shniebling, dope.
Later, to prove his hip-hop bonafides to the ladies, Neil Hardy snagged chill nottabrothabag Pete, and Uberhott Heather. Because whatever is in the water in Des Moines is producing serious A-Grade barely legals.
Neil Hardy listens to Run DMC even though he was born well into the 90s. Because retro old school rap is “dope, yo.”
In a related story, Kurtis Blow just castrated himself.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Breaker Morans and Dolla Hotts
The third slot was the toughest to decide on. And by third slot, I mean Kelly gettin’ freaky after too many Mai Tais.
The Breaker Morans are all sorts of Australian war victim period piece Mel Gibson dingo turd.
The Dolla Dolla Bill Yalls offer sweet, perfumed inner thighs that smell like lilacs and sugar plums and scented candle.
Oh Dolla #1. I shall call thee “Foucault” and discuss contested power space. And by contested power space, I mean how far I’ll get to touch after I blow 200 bucks on dinner.
(Dis)honorable mention to The Club Moes, my artistic triumph with the avant-garde masterwork American Typhus, The Vegas crud of Pinky and the Butt, Blu Ray, Suburban Gangsta Darren and the Eurocrud of The Utersladder.
While this isn’t the most pungent week of hottie/douchey partnering, these are all couples that deserve mock. Granted, whomever we pick today is filling the last slot against foes like Brothabag Darren. Still, we got a job to do so lets do it.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Exploiding groin veins. Sleeve tatts. And curvy female buttitude. Together, they make HCwDB of the Week.
The voters speak:
Ultra Bagnus: Tendon Ted FTW. Beacuse his permanent scowl is a direct result of his asymetric abs. And yet somehow, he pulls in a pear like Annie? Yes, that is douche power on display. And by display I mean veins.
dblpits2teste: I’m just jealous of his lopsided 5-pack. Plus, I have very small arm veins and would love to tell the Red Cross nurse: “other nurses usually have trouble with my arms, but I have great veins in my scrotum”. And Annie just has that girl-next-door, take home to meet your mother innocence.
Anonymous: When Ted and Annie remove their glasses, you stare into empty pits of blackness. Soulless vortexes from which you can hear the chanting of a thousand douchebags lost to the world.
DarkSock: Tendon Ted has found the way to reverse O.G.D.T.S.B.S. (Old Guy Dangling Tube-Sock Balls Syndrome): grow a nut harness out of your groinular vascular network so that your crotch looks like a cypress stump shrink-wrapped in HeadStart macrame projects.
Sack O Douche: I love ass and Annie’s got it. I hate blank robotic roid heads and Ted’s got it.
Troy Tempest: Tendon Ted and Annie. Her knees are bent and she’s bent over because otherwise she’d be a half inch taller than Ted. She is as slutty as he in douchetastic.
Maxim Kovalenko: Tendon Ted, the tattooed Terminator douche for the win. God, what a creepy bastard.
Elderdouch: Has anyone noticed that he is missing some fingers?
Tall Guy: Tendon Ted probably cooks in a rooming house all week and practices his deadpan stares on the vulnerable residents. They’re all frightened of him because he has a bench press set up in that vacant room next to the laundry and sometimes leaves the door open when his pumping iron.
mr.reeve: Roids, sick workouts at the gym, zero personality and bangin pool sluts is how TT the Robochoad does it all summer long in Vegas
Turdacous: holy mother of Slime. hes the opening circus side show freak act for a snake oil salesman. Ted by a mile for the win and i mean mile as in dragged behind a team of clydesdales through death valley in july
RAPETIME: plant or human, if I see something like Tendon Ted, I’m getting a can of gasoline and matches and burning it to ash, and then calling the CDC.
Fatness: I’m voting Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, even though I am still not sure that Ted isn’t really a potted plant growing next to the pool. Annie is a purebread skank but that ass is first-class.
Whoop-Di-Douche: Their award is a topographic map of the western United States.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Tendon Ted is angry. Tendon Ted is the only man living in the modern world with a metabolism measured by light speed. Tendon Ted for the thin.
Eliza Douchecoo: My vote goes for Tendon Ted, if there was a vote for “most likely to commit suicide” he would most definitely get my vote for that too.
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: It’s like he’s turning inside out before our eyes. I’d like to think that twenty minutes after this picture, he completed his metamorphosis resulting in his entire pulmonary system sloughing off on to the floor in a gelatinous mess and making Mola Ram insanely jealous at the same time. Or maybe I just need to get more sleep.
Wasn’t there a shlock b-grade horror film from the early 80s like that, ODD? Nicely played. There’s something about ab-crotch veinitude that just deserved extra mock, and ass pear is always ass pear if it’s quality. Coming in a second, perhaps ultimately too goofy to win, was the Conan O’Brian-esque Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters:
Charles Nelson Douchely: Jungle McDonald, for perfectly pulling off that morning zoo crew look. The Britney sisters quickly realize that knowing the phrase that pays was not a benefit. “OK. We’ve posed for the picture for the Power105 Wall of Weiners. What else do we need to do for those Black Eyed Peas tickets?”
skrag2112: Jungle McDonald for his combination of circus attire and derp face.
melvil duchi: Jungle is only a pair of crappy sunglasses and a tribal tat away from full on uberdouche. Britney Sisters – step away from the GSR
Et Tu Douche?: The Britney’s are local Athen’s OH wholesome, fun loving, enthusiastic, giggle Hott OU coeds who probably have no idea who Robert Plant is and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time wondering who the hell is this guy and why are we posing in a picture with him?
Mr. White: I’m going with Jungle McDonald. The Britney sisters are the only hotts that are really working for me, although maybe it’s because I’m grumpy on my first post-vacation day.
Blinded by the Shite: Jungle McDonald and Ms and Ms. Britney, as I only noticed Jungle McDonald and his quadruple chins just this moment.
I had thought Jungle McD bringing A-List Hott and goofy face was a shoe-in for the Weekly. But Vegas pud trumps all. And in third place, but with solid votes, the Southern ‘Bag of Brad Pudt and Eliza Hottku:
Alex: A holstered blackberry in the front and a holstered vodka bottle in the back… because real men drink vodka, orange drink and pop rocks, yo. Your linen shirt is unbuttoned, showing your chest hair? Nay… it’s your douche-tatt. You’re wearing a rosary. I’ll pause while everyone makes their redneck southern baptist jokes.
FreakPatriot: Eliza is take-home-to-mom knee-gnaw hottie-suckle who I would worship as the goddess of my hearth and home.
Dave : Brad Pudt and Eliza for going against the grain and achieving excellence in douche status without having to flash an ab. muscle.
mehoff: Brad Pudt. The Cellphone Holster.
Captain Lame: I gotta be honest, I dig Eliza. Her brows are Marilyn Monroe style cuteness, and I want her to be my everything…
Anonymous: Brad Pudt. He’s more of a real world douche than the other two, and it makes that much angrier.
Guns-N-Douches: Brad Pudt gets the nod, for the rosary-as-jewelery douche-pas, the flash wall tattoos, effing retarded rapist-’stache and the ultimate, no-way-he-ain’t-a-douche accessory, the multi-finger ring. Eliza isn’t the hottest hott, but chicks in acid washed denim remind me of high school, and making out in the back seat of my mom’s car with Warrant on the car stereo.
G: anyone that would spoil Orange Crush with Goose (assumed), deserves to be called out as HCWDB of the week.
The Pudtster did his Fu Manchu Best, and Eliza was real world hottness. But this was Vegas Poo and Pear time to shine. Lets let Choadthedouchesprocket take us home:
TT and APAnnie ftw, because they are all that is holy and sacred about the pay to pose mudflaps that populate the Vegas pool party/dayclubs throughout the summer….and by “sacred and holy” I mean they are the flotsam and jetsam of pool party poo…
Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed. Mark Ted and Annie up as our third selection for what’s shaping up as an epic HCwDB of the Month, and your humble narrator for crotch scratching.
Monday, August 30, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Booya. Bring it. You know what to do.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters
Not since the human race’s ancient tribal practice of selling young fertile females into slavehood has so befuddled a clown come into accidental contact with two prime hottness of viable wombs and sucklable legs.
Jungle McDonald brings Conan O’Brianesque Late Night Oldbaggery to the mix. Haven’t seen that in awhile.
With shaved chest except for crotch pube ant trail, it’s all sorts of small town creepyness.
And the Britney Sisters. Laura and Michelle Britney. So sweet. So perky. So desiring lecherous fondles during “Eat Pray Love.” Which you saw with them. Because you thought you had a chance. But you don’t.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Tendon Ted is one of those rare ‘bags whose annoyance factor is almost entirely abstract.
Sure, his sleve tatts are douchey and his face a douche-face. But hand gestures, bling and other adoucherements are lacking.
Yet something about his stoic aura and eye scalding bulging ab-veins suggest a primal societal violation that deserves a superior level of mock as a response.
Ass Pear Annie is all that is positively raunchy about Vegas, and as such, she is to be applauded for display.
Together, they form Vegas Crud. Pure exhibition without joy. Sexual display without any eroticism. Just naked flesh. As such, they are to be mocked and derided for spectacle gone wrong.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brad Pudt and Eliza
Brad Pudt deserves consideration in the Weekly for bringing a rarely seen douchetribute: The Southern ‘Bag.
All sorts of hickdouche wrongness. Like a Skynyrd techno remix, it blends the worst of garish American culture in one fu-manchu of disgrace.
Or, in the immortal words of Peter Gibbon’s next door neighbor, Lawrence, two chicks at the same time, man. Hey Peter, turn on channel nine!
Eliza received crap for her bushy eyebrows in the comments thread, and I agree they’re a problem. Nonetheless, while poor grooming is a negative, if that stopped the human reproductive drive, we’d be fossils of the Paleolithic Era. Buy her some tweezers and she’s a legit hottie.
I eliminated The Sneery Bros for Bleethy hott, Hipsterwank Henry for just being depressing, The Hippiebag for being kinda fun, albeit with gorgeous brunette, Battle Beyond the Tards, who should get their own 2010 Douchie Award, and Vest Guy Eats a Bagel Bit, who probably should’ve been included over Brad Pudt. And Helmut Von Baggus was just too damn weird.
So them’s your three.
Which coupling deserves to be called HCwDB of the Week and get a slot at the next Monthly? I need your help.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010HCwDB of the Week: DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny
While a voting scandal broke out, as Supermoobs appeared to also be one of the Four Dwarts, it was a solid win (loss) for the D.J. Jerz with the clown hat and sweet, wholesome yet sultry Jenny. The voters speak:
armydouche: The sunglasses glasses in a dark environment, that hat, the smug look of self rightous deserving; DJ Jerzey. He’s the only one of these 3 with a chance against the douchernaught known as edgar in the monthly.
mr.reeve: Dude has 70s style curtains wrapped around his head like it’s a hat. Pastel V-neck shirt, Kool Moe Dee shades and a shirt underneath a shirt
Dicy: I’m going to go with DJ JJ because he reminds me of this dickhead I used to know. And Jenny is quality cute and sexy who needs to be rescued ASAP. I will take the challenge of saving her!
Douchelips: Ridiculous hat even your little brother wouldn’t be caught dead in? Check. 90 degree hat tilt? Check. Stupid sunglasses from the late 1980’s? Check. Idiotic ‘bag hand gesture? Check. Bulging tatted bicep? Check. Aqua colored shirt that need ironing? Check. In ‘da club? Check. Then there is Jenny, all sweet and innocent with her understated bosoms and “I’m unsure what I’ll catch from this guy” look. She has a sense she needs to run for the hills….and fast.
melvil duchi: DJ for the hat tilt and glasses alone. They look like $2 3D glasses he got from the Gas ‘N Sip
Colossus of Choads: Jerz. Combo of the ‘tude, the apparell and the final straw – shades inside.
End the Haberdouchery: The blouse, bedazzled hat, and the “I haven’t shaved for three weeks” shadow make him irresistible to bar skanks and Richard Simmons alike.
Battlescrote Galactica: Jerzey Jackoffsky is cookin’ DB’s like a pound of bacon, with his Jiffy Pop hat, Kool Moe Dee glasses and his Ice Ice Baby, “collaborate and listen” Vanilla Ice mug… We can only hope Jenny has enough sense to stay out of his 5.0 so his hair can blow!!!
Amerigo Vesdouchey: Gotta go DJ JJ. Because there’s nothing about him that’s not douchey. And Jenny. But mostly Jenny. Thoughtful and still sultry at 31. And looking like she holds at least 8 more years of hott. So what if she had a few too many cosmos that night.
Nicely parsed, ‘bag hunters. This was a vote for classic club douchepoo. Coming in a solid second place, the Vegas greaseballs and quality bikini boobies of Snowe Blonde and the Four Dwarts:
Douchey the Great: I’m voting for the Four Dwarts. I live in Florida and I have to witness this sh#t every f#cking day. On the beach, mowing the lawn, hanging out on the porch everywhere they prance their pecs, tats and tans like mutant peacocks. I need two shots of whiskey, one to drink and one to splash into my eyes.
One for the Choad: Snow Blonde gets the win for two reasons. One, she’s clearly in on the joke, and she bags four supreme choads in one shot. And two, her boobs should her their own national holiday.
Anonymous 3:16: While the stomach churns at the mere sight of supermoobs, I’m going to vote for Snowe and the 4 – because they are too representative of everything we strive against, too far reaching in their scope, too….douche as a collective.
Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: Apparently as a public service, the Dwarts and Blondie choose to hang out with roughly 40% of the nationwide cases of chlamydia at the Vegas Pool, so those of us without a burning sensation when we pee can more easily avoid a troublesome appointment with the urologist.
Many pointed out that two of the Four Dwarts are the same as the Supermoobs ‘bags. Perhaps. But the different locations and tactics are enough to let them carry on as seperate douche entites (for now), so the judges will let the competition continue.
doucheywallnuts: Just as Dustin Hoffman fooled the world into thinking Michael Dorsey and Dorothy Michaels were two different people, Supermoobs/Roofie has done the same. For this reason alone he should be crowned DBotW.
Eliza Douchecoo: Since Supermoobs is a finalist twice I gotta go with him for the win (loss). If you’re in the finals running in two separate photo-scenarios posing it up you GOTTA be a douche nozzle. Supermoobs FTW.
Wedgie: Supermoobs = Roofie. Bobbin = Dopehead. If these two assclowns are in two of three pics, surely they deserve a weekly (or is that weakly?).
dbBen: Sweat-stain on his shirt:Supermoobs::Creation of Adam:Michelangelo. Definitely a derivative work, but it doesn’t diminish its relative importance.
Bag Margera: for the Cassie sisters, this is the kind of picture that would make them cancel their facebook account.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: And I come down to deliver them out of the land of the Egytians, and to deliver them out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and Supermoobs, unto the place of the …….. Jebusites.
The Supermoobs will definitely appear in all their sweaty undercarriage at the 2010 Douchie Awards. But this week was classic Jerzbag and confused urbane hott cohabit. Lets let Mr. Scrotato Head take us home:
D.J. JJ and Jenny get my vote if for no other reason than their comingling will produce so many regrets. Jenny will regret passing on that overtime shift at the call center so she could go clubbing. She’ll regret giving the dumbass with the goofy hat more than a fleeting glance when he drifted over and sat down at her table. She’ll regret leaving her glass more than half full when she went to the ladies room. She’ll regret telling her friends to “go’on w’thout me. I’m FINE! Isn’t he hot!?!? WUPPEEEE!” And, as she stares with tears in her eyes at the pee coated plastic wand, she’ll regret not listening to her roommate who kept trying to get her to take her birth control pills regularly. D.J. JJ will regret not buying the matching Hammer pants off the clearance rack when he had the chance. Life is hard; D.J. JJ is not. But he wins anyways.
Indeed he does, Mr. S.H. Chalk up our first competitor for Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn at the next Monthly, and your humble narrator for Corn Pops and scratching.
Monday, August 23, 2010HCwDB of the Week
While Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn were an avalanche of douche-win in last week’s Weekly, this one’s a tough and equally balanced contest. Three quality fishgoiters. Three sets of tasty ladies. Which will win?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Supermoobs
Look!! Under his pecs!! It’s a splurge!! It’s a stain!! It’s… Supermoobs!!
The Cassie Sisters are nice real world cuteness. Supermoobs’s friend, Bobbin, is irrelevant.
But can the moobstains take a Weekly?
For sheer innovation, it’s a noteworthy entrant.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny
Our second choice is a classic selection of D.J. Asswipe and sultry party girl experimentation rich girl innocence.
For J.J., his is a hat that doubles as a makeshit outhouse for the Bushmen of the Kalahari during rainy season. Especially for Umke!ko. Who making clicking noises of approval at how well it absorbs even the foulest of waste odors.
For Jenny, confusion and bad choices are aided by too many Comsos. Hers is a quality hottness that ages well into her middle years. Her body is understated but with great academic merit.
But there’s one more:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Snowe Blonde and the Four Dwarts
For our final entrant, meet the Four Dwarts. Skeezy, Pasta, Dopehead and Roofie.
The Four Dwarts are a smorgasboard of classic Vegas Douchepud variation. Like ordering a wine tasting sampler. Except instead of a Shiraz, a Merlot, a Pinot Noir and a Cabernet, you get four variations of the lip herp.
Snowe Blonde has a phenomenal body, but the face is harder to tell, and as such, the power of hottie/douchey wrongness may be diminished in this pic.
Still, if you’re a fan of mocking classic Vegas choadscrote and Snowe Blonde’s fairytail meets with your approval, then this is your definitely a worthy selection.
So them’s your three.
(Dis)honorable mention to Creepyass Carlos’s hot coeds, the vile mess of Douchebags in the Water (not enough hot chickery to run), the “pull up your pants!” ‘bagling lameness of Tommy Pudwack, basebag player Kevin Douchekilis, the “Douche Power” pose of The Powerturd, the spectacle of Vegas Lucifer (not enough hott to make it), and the disturbingly saggy scrotundae of Your Saturday Oldbag. That’s a lot of callbacks, but it was a tough week to cull down to three finalists.
Still, someone’s gotta parse the mock. And that someone is us. So there’s your three.
Pick one that most exemplifies hottie/douchey wrongness and vote for it, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, August 19, 2010Brothabag Edgar Experiments with Plaid
Plaid – 1
Extensively coiffed chin pubes – 0.
Bartender Lana – Hates her Dad.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
Total domination. A blowout greaseslide. Douchebag chinstrap and barely legal cuteness uber alles. Witness the epic: #1 , #2, #3 , #4, and purple kissy lips. The voters speak:
DoucheyWallnuts: Just as the Chicago Bears defeated the Washington Redskins 73-0 in the 1940 NFL Championship game, Brothabag should romp to the winners circle. Any analysis of the whys and hows are as meaningless as they would have been 70 years ago trying to explain how one team beat another by more than 10 touchdowns in a match-up between the two best teams.
Dolph Douchegren: It’s as if there was a secret military program devoted to the destruction of humanity, and this douchbag (with hot chick) is the Mk1 model. Somewhere in a underground laboratory they intentionally constructed a “super-bag” from all available parts to once and for all make us lose our will to live.
SauceOfTheDouche: Every time I look at BB Edgar’s hair, I expect to see Nemo’s lifeless body falling out of it, coated in oil and other douchal excretions.
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: Edgar makes me ill. Josyln, hanging out with that pud, clearly thinks he’s cool, and that just makes me sad. Edgar FTW all the way.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Brothabag Edgar is so over the top. His hott is vaguely annoying, but Brothabag’s chin strap, weird ‘do and general go out just scream BAG!
creature: Edgar is poo chia-pet
Whoop-Di-Douche: He is more than stream of warm vinegar water flowing from a douchebag, he is the Niagara Falls of douchebags. He blows the stopper off the bottle and the hose off the connector.
tall guy: At first I didn’t want to cast my vote for BrotherBag Edgar. But then I took another look at his photo and reminded myself of just how detailed his chin pubes were. He’s really trying. He’s really succeeding.
mehoff: Edgar because all of the money he spends on products for his hair could save the lives of an entire African village during drought season.
Baleen: Brothabag Edgar ftw because if you sprayed him with a flame thrower, the smell would be reminiscent of charred styrofoam and burnt bacon.
Shish_kebag: Brothabag is the reason you should not get too much tan – Brothabag is the best example that there is no god ! – Brothabag is the main cause of cancer as of 2010 – Brothabag is the main cause of teen suicide as of 2010 – Brothabag is the main reason why we hate douchebags !
Crucial Head: This vote was the easiest thing since writing the script for The Expendables.
ehcuodouche: It takes a special kind of douche training to make the chin fung completely encircle one’s face. And Josslyn is just a special kind of barely legal multicultural innocence…
Guns-N-Douches: Edgar pulls off a very difficult trick: taking a self portrait while throwing a douchie hand gesture with the same hand (see pic with skanky bikini stripper). Oh and every time I look at Josslyn, I get a tingle in my naughty bits. Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Bag Margera: Brothabag’s hair is shinier than Calibag’s Cali necklace. Brothabag FTW.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Edgar FTW. Caause he brings the old school Joey Porch classic douchery.. And by bringing it old school, I mean bring the vomit up the esophagus.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Brotherbag FT16W20. And by FT16W20 I mean if he gets caught with Josslyn 16 will get him 20 in the statey.
Wheezer: Edgar and Josslyn in a landslide, and by landslide, I mean hair grease spill. BP hasn’t quite capped that leak, though another kind of “BP” is in Edgar’s nightstand…..it vibrates, and Josslyn usually has little to do with it. Just as long as it doesn’t muss his hair.
Charles Nelson Douchely: I’m a sucker for the classics.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: someone remind me to pick up some Draino after work.
Ohio FJ: Brothabag Edgar FTW – he brings it all to the table
Amerigo Vesdouchey: I was just getting over a hangover the first time I saw Edgar and his nauseating visage brought it back. For that he must pay. I hate being hung over (but not enough to quit drinking).
Indeed, and while the Brothabag may be more a tale of Arabian Blights, his blowout, and Josslyn’s innocence, were too dominant to halt in their march to the Monthly. Yet there was dissent, as The Spud Douche found mock:
End the Haberdouchery: My brain says Edgar, but my heart says Spud. His alpha-male facade cannot hide the fact that he’s 19 with a receding hairline. Melissa and Clarissa would fulfill my barely legal fantasies by being horribly awkward in bed and then asking me to make them Easy Mac afterward.
MoeDouche: The Spud Douche FTW. Just ’cause the lesbo action is worth looking at over, and over, and over…
justadouchalo: While douche indicators are many and varied, ignoring the smoking hot girl, or in this case two girls gone lesbo, sitting next to you to stare stupidly at the camera is the the litmus test of douchebaggery.
Spud ftw.
boondoggle: Spud FTW if for nothing else, for showing us what it would look like if Ali Larter gained a few poinds in all the right places and made out with other hotts.
The Spud would’ve won in a normal week. But this was not a normal week. The Calibag and Paid-to-Pose Pamela got so few votes, it was a total Edgarpocalypse. Lets let Mr. Bungle take us home:
There is no doubt in my mind that Brothabag Edgar is the clear winner this week. I also move to induct him into the hall of scrote immediately. Never have I seen such a specimen of asexual bagness. It’s as if Beyonce and Dave Navarro somehow fused into one being. Send Josslyn to me immediately so I may brush her raven bangs aside as I butter her shoulders with Country Crock. She deserves better than I can’t believe its not butter.
Well said, Mr. B. For it was ordained in the Book of the ‘Bag that it is Brothabag and Josslyn. We’ll see that horrible blowout and poor barely legal cutie in the Monthly. And your humble narrator for Cheerios.
