HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, August 16, 2010
HCwDB of the Week
It may seem more an anhillation than a competition this week in the Weekly.
With Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn having piled up an epic run of blowout doucheyness and barely legal hottness, this seems an epic smackdown of unfair proportions. But until the votes are counted, nothing is done yet. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalists #1: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
From bathroom iPhone pics to bathroom iPhone pics with blonde girls, from Ubiquitous Red Cups to self portraits with strippers in strange bathrooms, from purple kissy lips to… well, that’s enough, isn’t it?
And by enough, I mean ubercraptastitude.
Brothabag Edgar, while neither Brothabag nor Edgar, is all that is Chinstrap about Chinos.
Josslyn is all that is just reaching 18 and already making terrible life choices.
Together, they form a toxic cohabit of hottie/douchey disaster.
But have they peaked too early? Have they worn out their welcome and turned off the voters of HCwDB? Will they burn out in a flame of hairspray and lighter fluid?
The votes have yet to be counted. And they’ve won nothing yet.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Calibag and Paid-to-Pose Pamela
Yo. Keepin’ it 6th Grade Geography Educationamal, yo.
Standard wannabe “rapsta” wanksta crud and eye meltingly hott paid to pose greatness, the Calibag is a formidable single contender ready to take down the heavy favorite of B.E.
Featuring the most obnoxious bling this side of an Armani-Exchange Shroud of Turin Neil Diamond limited edition, The Calibag brings asstastic excess in the age of economic recession.
And PTP Pam will drain your bank account and make out with your boss. She is why wars are started and suicide rates rise in urban environments.
Is tasteful Most Expensive First Date Hott and strange Asian rapsta pud with offensive bling enough to take down the favorite?
Perhaps. But there’s one more finalist to go.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spud Douche
The Spud Douche is simple. Straightforward. Classic ‘bag. But maybe it’s a classic ‘bag with hott that’s enough to take down B.E. and a Calibag.
When not ignoring the uberhott Barbazons, Spud Douche is busy pointing out any and all nearby cameras.
And what of the Barbizons? Uberhott and Sapphos, two words that go together like horse and carriage.
It’s quality HCwDB any way you slice it. And by slice it, I mean mock with pensive aplomb.
The Barbizons made a second cameo appearance of sexy fondle in Joey Hoverbag’s presence, and then again when Joey Hoverbag couldn’t let lezbefriends be friends.
That’s a lotta hott. But enough to carry The Spud Douche to victory?
(Dis)honorable mention to Lake Crotchpuddle, The Boob Brothers, The Orangeman of Canceria, the real world beauty of Naomi and the toxic taint of The Hardpocalypse
Is this a coronation for Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn? or an upset in the making?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Smugger John and Valencia
Smugger John and Valencia may seem an unusual weekly winning choice, but I’d argue the signs are all there. Smugger is classic real world ‘bag, not some Vegas paid-to-douche “entertainer/DJ” club thing. And Valencia is all sorts of awakening female sexuality, to be applauded and gnawed uponst.
The voters speak:
End the Haberdouchery: I vote for Smugger John and Valencia. For his cocky look and ab reveal he deserves to get purposely puked on at a Phillies game.
Baron Von Goolo: Smuggers and Valencia FTW. The tire fire in my back 40 has been going for three and a half years and even that hot trash has nothing on Valencia. Plus, Smugger’s smug puss leapfrogs punchworthy: that’s the kind of puss that makes you want to bury him up to his chin and dust off the lawn darts. Plus, the ab reveal is a privilege, not a right. He’s no monthly but pushed ahead by dirty, dirty Valencia, he works in a Weekly for me.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: All three entries are first class Putzes, but Valencia’s out-of-this-world patootie drags the garden variety ‘bag Smugger John across the finish line first.
Anonymous: Valencia wins the day for Smugger John. Her look is genuine, unlike her obviously paid-to-pose competitor Vanessa. What’s more, she’s dressed like that in public, in broad daylight! Not on a boat, or at a beach or swimming pool, or even a backyard barbecue. They’re in the parking lot of the Lone Star Steakhouse they just got kicked out of. “Sir, our rules are no shirt, no service. Now if you don’t wear it properly, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”
Bagwood: For attitude, I vote Valencia and Smugger. Why is he pulling his shirt up when he has handles and no abs? He has the brains of an empty bottle of Summer’s Eve.
Horace Dangleballs: Cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes? Put her wearing those into a Jeep Wrangler with its top down and I’d run over a gaggle of street-crossing pre-schoolers just for the chance for her to flick a cigarette butt at me. Smugger is totally irrelevant to the equation… but looking at him — he’s probably used to hearing that.
Douchey Smirf: Smugger John and Valencia. She’s the hotness and his situation is obviously love handles.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Smugger John and Valencia FTW, cause Smugglie’s showing off something that isn’t all that impressive. I had a stomach like that during my twenties, which I achieved by working out for approximately 5.39 seconds per month.
Wheezer: Valencia is sultry and carries this coupling, though Smugger’s undie poke shows he hasn’t given up the Garanimals Book of Style. But I still want to see Valencia wearing nuthin’ but a G-thong.
Whoop-Di-Douche: Valencia is curvy hot and ride’em cowgirl to Smugger John’s pout. Even a good whiplash wouldn’t make him right, but he might be convinced to remove all his clothing so someone would arrest him, instead of him giving us an eyeful of arrested development clothing style.
Douchey Lewis and the News: This guy sucks ass. Nice ab reveal, just one thing though, you forgot the abs.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Normally all that would get you is a coupon for a free six inch sandwich when you buy another sandwich of equal or greater value. But toss in the pursed lip glare, aviator goggles, and the suspender printed tee and Smugger just might get that six incher for free. and by six incher I mean a manwich ‘cuz it’s more than a meal.
Medusa Oblongata: Smugger John FTW, and if there is a Heaven, it would be my head resting on Valencia’s ass while I suckle upon the glorious mamms of Vanessa.
bigphatnotadouche: Those boots are made for walking. I love the daisy dukes on the Hott and would love to suckle her thighs. The douche is a Florida/Alabama trailer trash scote with duck face and ab reveal.
Exactly, well said team. The key to the “douche aura” is in how the Smugger ignores his hott in favor of the camera. Coming in a close second, and losing on the Bleeth factor, Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle:
Douche Springsteen: these girls all look a little bleethed so Tad wins just because he’s the biggest douche. He can’t get his chin fung sculpted straight, but even that combined with the excessive flood of ink isn’t enough to clinch the victory. No friends, it’s the White Man’s Overbite while doggie baggin’ that does it this week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to crawl back into bed with a bottle of bourbon.
dbBen: It’s like one of those mornings when you’re eating out of a vending machine. Absolutely nothing looks good. You know it’s all “bad” for you. And you end up choosing whatever looks like it’s going to most speed up the demise of your pathetic existence.
justadouchalo: I reluctantly throw my vote, and by vote I mean the trashcan I left next to my bed last night after a day-long bean burrito and cheap gin marathon, to Tad and Gayle. If we find out between now and the end of the voting period that either or both of them are just artfully arranged corpses the nod goes to the Smuggler and Valencia.
armydouche: Tad and Gayle. Gold is the new orange and the Bleeth runs deep in Gayle.
smackdouche: I’ve always loved Star Trek. A vote for Tad and Gayle is a vote for the Orion Slave Girls.
Architeuthis Douche: If this website were Dazed and Confused, Tad would be O’Bannion (yeah, he’s kind of a joke OR I hate that guy), while Gayle would be Sabrina (you know, she’d probably be kind of cute if you cleaned all the shit off her).
Captain Lame: Tad is smug in the presence of hot. Whilst Morrie looks like he would do anything just to get a chance at his waitress Vanessa’s soft, golden brown, fantastic, and buoyant fun bags. Therefore I gift the Tang Tad 5,000,000 extra points! The scale has been tilted!
Methinks Tad and Gayle have something to offer at the 2010 Douchie Awardas. And by something, I mean Valtrex. Coming in third, while Vanessa’s uberhott boobtasm helped garner some votes, Mandana Morrie just didn’t bring the mockers out.
Professor ‘Baglioni: Though Smugger Jon’s abless ab reveal is probably the douchiest move ever, his hott is somewhat lacking. Vanessa’s quality boobage (and Morrie’s ridiculous mandanna) definitely puts HCwDB coupling #1 over the top.
the douche is alright: I gotta vote for Vanessa and whatever else may be in that picture
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: my vote goes to Mandana Morrie and Vanessa. Becuase not only is Vanessa delicious like a ripe Red Delicious (or Fuji) apple on a hot summer day, but Mandanas just look stupid.
Crucial Head: I boobs gotta boobs give boobs my boobs vote boobs to boobs Morrie boob and boobs Vanessa boobs this boobs week boobies.
Dicy: I’ve got to go with Mandana Morrie and Vanessa because, well, boobs.
Boobs are indeed boobs, but the combo of Smugness and Curvy Hott were too toxic a Hottie/Douchey enlightenment moment to resist. Sir David Douchenborough is today’s choice to take us home:
it is Smuggler John only because the woman is actually a hott. But, there are some subtle signifiers at play here. It appears that Smuggler John was looking for a way to impress this lady, so he decided to become the abandoned child of Mika and La Roux by adding some manpris and his eurobag tighty shorts, hoping that the hott would follow his flabby rolling hills of abs to his groan shave. Of course, to balance off this effete eurobaggery, he had to go with the aviators and the tough t-shirt. All of this coordination to avoid attention to the fact that the extent at which he probably developed his ‘abs” were probably when his frat bags were ‘having fun” while he was drunk on his back in that one forgetful night of hazing.
The signifiers are subtle but add up to a turdlike swill, well said Sir D.D! And props again to all who voted, for your parsing serves the cause of douchal isolation and mock. Smugger John and Valencia for the last slot for our next Monthly, and your humble narrator for more day-old pizza.
Monday, August 2, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Our last Weekly before the next Monthly, today’s vote focuses on some of the more herpalicious combos we’ve featured in awhile. But lest your humble narrator rambles, lets get to your choices:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Mandanna Morrie and Vanessa
As discussed previously, Mandanna Morrie is less than the sum of his adouchetrements.
Deep down you just know Morrie’s so determined to score some quality South Beach Miami poonsaki while still living off an allowance from his father, Attorney Jack McFatherson, that he’s willing to go “The Full Douche.”
But that does not mean we forgive.
He who dresses the ‘bag contributes to the circulation of cultural meaning that spreads the virus like a smear uponst a bagel.
And for that, we must mock. Chin pube, bling, ridiculous hair and a Buick logo on his shirt. The Baby Jesus spittled.
Vanessa is all that is ambiguously paid to pose. She is tasteful, gum snappy and sweeter than you’d think. And her fantastically firm breasteses promise a field of frolicking clerics and fornicating elves. Not with each other. That would be sick. Even in Advanced D&D.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Smugger John and Valencia
The opposite end of the spectrum from Mandanna Morrie, Smuggers appeared in our Friday Thoughts and Links, but after staring at that mug over the weekend I’ve determined that this preening pudster has “douche aura” in disproportionate ratio to his actual signifiers.
As such, he is all that we fight against. He is pure punch crud.
Valencia shakes her booty with the soft eroticism of dancing hawkpie bluebirds who search fields of crow for shorn during the harvest season.
I have no idea what that means.
But I know I would gnaw uponst her pear, while denying Smugger John his application for a 100th week of unemployment insurance.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle
Appearing first in last week’s important discussion on Freud’s Douchedom and Tattoo, Tattpocalypse Tad and Gayle would normally be a shoe-in for a Weekly, especially in light of their ultra-douchey doggie ‘baggin’ pic #2.
With all the scrotal signifiers in force, not to mention Ubiquitous Red Cup in pic #2, this should be a crotch-dunk.
So what’s holding this pic back?
Gayle. Her glazed “guidette” detracts significantly from hottie/douchey dialectics.
That being said, Gayle is certainly an attractive young thing on some primal genetic level at least, and Tad is uberdouche on so many levels, a small woodland creature just punched Bambi in the nads. Hell, the chin fung alone just caused a Daoist Monk to urinate on a scroll.
But is their cohabit enough to win the Weekly?
(Dis)honorable mention to Superlobe, whom many argued just felt too secure in his punkitude to really mock as a preening douchewank (despite his hott sister), the Caption This Pic atrocity of Lake Herpasaurus, the simply too happy to be there Scrawnster McFung, and of course to Brodie the Poet, who while a pretty harmless ‘bag, at least gave us some quality spelling errors to enjoy.
Also I forgot to mention in Friday’s Links that despite some dissent, Elizabeth has been elected to our fabled “Hall of Hott.” For those who dispute her overall game, I’d remind them that perfection in one area (perfection of body) is often enough in any Hall. Think Wade Boggs (OBP), John Stockton (passing) or Ron Jeremy (penis).
Please welcome Elizabeth to the Hall. And by welcome, I mean fondle.
And vote now, as always, in the comments thread.
EDIT: Apologies for the late publish, WordPress autopublish ain’t workin’ this mornin’.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The 'Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters
In the first real HCwDB of the Week upset of the summer, the Stars (Starry Blight and Starhawk) split the vote like Joan Plowright and Vanessa Redgrave at the ’92 Oscars, allowing the Groin Shave Revealing toxicity of the ‘Baggle Axe and real world hottness of the Marissa Sisters (yet more ’92 Oscars parallel) to take the prize.
The voters speak:
melvil duchi: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Shoulder tattoo? – check. aviator sunglasses worn inside? – check. gold helmet? – check. huge belt buckle? – check. leather pants? – check. GSR?- check. run, Marissa Sisters, run
Dicy: Get away sweet Marissa sisters before you loose your modest and flirty fashion sense and wind up looking like Hello Kat, yuck! Did I mention GSR and sunglasses inside? Whatta douche.
Et Tu Douche?: The Marissa’s, specifically the one in the middle, are Hott in a naive kind of way. The Baggle Axe is Douche in a gladiator/300 way which make him even more disturbing.
Douchelips: Those sisters are real and many of you would tag them if you had the chance. So hotts they are. The ‘Baggle Axe, has a ridiculous helmet, disgusting abs, the dreaded 2010 ‘bag move of the year: the GSR, and a stupid tatt.
justadouchalo: Hands down, Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters for the win. Rename the site “Skanks with Douchebags” and I’ll reconsider, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and by ‘can of worms’ I mean the can of worms that Kat is fixing (we say fixing in Kentucky) to scratch out of her bikini.
Business-Casual Douche: The baggle axe represents the unbridled masculine ego–the Y chromosome manifest, if you will. He is like Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood”, but without capitalistic aspirations, or a mustache.
Fatness: Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Marissa #3 wants to do things her father will never find out about. To me.
Bagnonymous: I vote the ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters in the hopes that they may be saved by extensive mocking. And by my penis.
Poultry Turd: condemn Baggle Axe for stealing Great Grandpa’s treasured WWII helmet out of the attic and spray-bombing it with a can of gold DuPont paint.
Medusa Oblongata: Their natural, modest, midwestern bodies stand in appalling contrast to his manorexic, overflexed, GSRd display of absurdness. You can do better, Marissa sisters. Leave this one to troll for herp-infested gash at the Rehab pool.
Douchè said: No, Mr. Axe. This is NOT Sparta.
Lady Godiva’s Piebald: the baggle axe is every bit the damnable douche, and the women he’s with might still actually do things with men without the exchange of currency or gifts being involved or implied. this rates him an order of magnitude more douchey than the starry slurry above.
dbBen: It just seems like this is where it all begins from the hott’s perspective. The Marissa sisters take a trip to Las Vegas, go to some crass show that has “thrust” written in a $35 font, take a picture with The ‘Baggle Axe, go home to Connecticut and start a positive feedback loop with some stage 1 baggling ultimately producing the heir to Donkey Lips.
I’m definitely surprised that the semi-costumed ‘Baggle Axe overtook the bucktoothed pinkshirtitudes and trashy hottitudes of both the Starhawk and Starry Blights. But perhaps it was real world hottie/douchey dialectic that triumphed over Vegas spectacle. That and toxic groin shave reveal. Coming in second, Starry Blight:
douche bagel: starhawk is harmless douche. baggle axe is very annoying douche. starry blight gives me reflex to punch computer and injure a small animal.
Tony Ventresca: Pneumatic Pink Bikini’s massive pneumatic chest pimples tip the scales in favour of #2. Therefore, #2 for the win.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Her bleethed out vapid look complements nicey King of Sears’ pudly arrogrance. His fake dogtag/razor blade bling sets off a perfect douchecolletage.
Shish_kebag: The starry blight for the win and by win I mean mocking him until he cries himself to sleep for three days. That crown tattoo strongly resembles a delicaressen restaurant we have here in Quebec. And for the Hello Kat I think the name should have been the Shallow Kat, but hey who am I to critisize the names.
Disconnected: Starry Blight it has to be. Surely he is a secret priest of Chtulu, wearing the star on his head so that he can be part of that final alignment which awakens the dread god from his deep slumber at the bottom of the ocean…
End the Haberdouchery: The Starry Blight. I have to figure out why someone would tattoo “Shart” on their chest. I bet Kat’s snatch has had more sausages running around in it than Miller Park during the sixth inning sausage races. Shart and Kat FTW, and always bet on bratwurst.
Eliza Douchecoo: The King of Sears should win the weekly for being a a huge douche with stupid swim trunks, stupid tattoos, stupid spikey hair and ridiculous (stupid) sunglasses.
Colossus of Choads: Gotta be Starry Blight. Stop radiating that ‘tude man, just because someone said you were “good looking” once.
The Blight is toxic, well argued. Just not toxic enough to create douche aura. And barely coming in third, just one push away from second or even first place, the surprisingly underachieving Starhawk:
Battlescrote Gallactica: The Starhawk for the win…. He is to douchery what Ron Popeil is to infomercials. “Set it and forget it!”
ehcuodouche: Starhawk. I vote for anyone who stains quartasian hottness with the stench of axe and taint. Despite hours practising his signage, hawk remains as gangster as Gomer Pyle.
opie sardonicus: Oh, for a woodburning kit and time enough to burn Starhawk’s concentric constellation permanently into his pointy li’l head. Just the smell makes me giddy.
Justin: Starhawk’s face is too punchable for words. I gotta vote, as usual, for the high level of punchability.
Tall Guy: Baggle Axe’s groin shave reveal deserves a mention. As does The King of Sears’ look of superiority. But Starhawk, in an effort to elevate his whiney sneering presence to a higher state of being, takes such a comprehensive each way bet with his use of accessories that I am forced to cast my vote in his direction – in lieu of a large, glass-encrusted stone.
Starhawk didn’t win because he didn’t bring the innocent hotts the way the ‘Baggle Axe did. Lets turn it over to Hall of Mock veteran Troy Tempest to take us home:
Baggle Axe is every bit the ‘nozzle the other two are. He is a roided out greased up retarded boob surrounded by perfectly reasonable and sweet young women. The amount of contrast in this picture makes ET and Tyler look like blood brothers. Every time someone looks at this picture, a flock of morning doves flies into a woodchipper out of shame for living in the universe where this could happen.
Indeed, many doves have been woodchipped due to the ‘Baggle Axe’s G.S.R. So the ‘Baggle and the Marissas for the Monthly, and the DB1 for peppermint tea due to a hangover.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters
In the first real HCwDB of the Week upset of the summer, the Stars (Starry Blight and Starhawk) split the vote like Joan Plowright and Vanessa Redgrave at the ’92 Oscars, allowing the Groin Shave Revealing toxicity of the ‘Baggle Axe and real world hottness of the Marissa Sisters (yet more ’92 Oscars parallel) to take the prize.
The voters speak:
melvil duchi: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Shoulder tattoo? – check. aviator sunglasses worn inside? – check. gold helmet? – check. huge belt buckle? – check. leather pants? – check. GSR?- check. run, Marissa Sisters, run
Dicy: Get away sweet Marissa sisters before you loose your modest and flirty fashion sense and wind up looking like Hello Kat, yuck! Did I mention GSR and sunglasses inside? Whatta douche.
Et Tu Douche?: The Marissa’s, specifically the one in the middle, are Hott in a naive kind of way. The Baggle Axe is Douche in a gladiator/300 way which make him even more disturbing.
Douchelips: Those sisters are real and many of you would tag them if you had the chance. So hotts they are. The ‘Baggle Axe, has a ridiculous helmet, disgusting abs, the dreaded 2010 ‘bag move of the year: the GSR, and a stupid tatt.
justadouchalo: Hands down, Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters for the win. Rename the site “Skanks with Douchebags” and I’ll reconsider, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and by ‘can of worms’ I mean the can of worms that Kat is fixing (we say fixing in Kentucky) to scratch out of her bikini.
Business-Casual Douche: The baggle axe represents the unbridled masculine ego–the Y chromosome manifest, if you will. He is like Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood”, but without capitalistic aspirations, or a mustache.
Fatness: Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters. Marissa #3 wants to do things her father will never find out about. To me.
Bagnonymous: I vote the ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters in the hopes that they may be saved by extensive mocking. And by my penis.
Poultry Turd: condemn Baggle Axe for stealing Great Grandpa’s treasured WWII helmet out of the attic and spray-bombing it with a can of gold DuPont paint.
Medusa Oblongata: Their natural, modest, midwestern bodies stand in appalling contrast to his manorexic, overflexed, GSRd display of absurdness. You can do better, Marissa sisters. Leave this one to troll for herp-infested gash at the Rehab pool.
Douchè said: No, Mr. Axe. This is NOT Sparta.
Lady Godiva’s Piebald: the baggle axe is every bit the damnable douche, and the women he’s with might still actually do things with men without the exchange of currency or gifts being involved or implied. this rates him an order of magnitude more douchey than the starry slurry above.
dbBen: It just seems like this is where it all begins from the hott’s perspective. The Marissa sisters take a trip to Las Vegas, go to some crass show that has “thrust” written in a $35 font, take a picture with The ‘Baggle Axe, go home to Connecticut and start a positive feedback loop with some stage 1 baggling ultimately producing the heir to Donkey Lips.
I’m definitely surprised that the semi-costumed ‘Baggle Axe overtook the bucktoothed pinkshirtitudes and trashy hottitudes of both the Starhawk and Starry Blights. But perhaps it was real world hottie/douchey dialectic that triumphed over Vegas spectacle. That and toxic groin shave reveal. Coming in second, Starry Blight:
douche bagel: starhawk is harmless douche. baggle axe is very annoying douche. starry blight gives me reflex to punch computer and injure a small animal.
Tony Ventresca: Pneumatic Pink Bikini’s massive pneumatic chest pimples tip the scales in favour of #2. Therefore, #2 for the win.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Her bleethed out vapid look complements nicey King of Sears’ pudly arrogrance. His fake dogtag/razor blade bling sets off a perfect douchecolletage.
Shish_kebag: The starry blight for the win and by win I mean mocking him until he cries himself to sleep for three days. That crown tattoo strongly resembles a delicaressen restaurant we have here in Quebec. And for the Hello Kat I think the name should have been the Shallow Kat, but hey who am I to critisize the names.
Disconnected: Starry Blight it has to be. Surely he is a secret priest of Chtulu, wearing the star on his head so that he can be part of that final alignment which awakens the dread god from his deep slumber at the bottom of the ocean…
End the Haberdouchery: The Starry Blight. I have to figure out why someone would tattoo “Shart” on their chest. I bet Kat’s snatch has had more sausages running around in it than Miller Park during the sixth inning sausage races. Shart and Kat FTW, and always bet on bratwurst.
Eliza Douchecoo: The King of Sears should win the weekly for being a a huge douche with stupid swim trunks, stupid tattoos, stupid spikey hair and ridiculous (stupid) sunglasses.
Colossus of Choads: Gotta be Starry Blight. Stop radiating that ‘tude man, just because someone said you were “good looking” once.
The Blight is toxic, well argued. Just not toxic enough to create douche aura. And barely coming in third, just one push away from second or even first place, the surprisingly underachieving Starhawk:
Battlescrote Gallactica: The Starhawk for the win…. He is to douchery what Ron Popeil is to infomercials. “Set it and forget it!”
ehcuodouche: Starhawk. I vote for anyone who stains quartasian hottness with the stench of axe and taint. Despite hours practising his signage, hawk remains as gangster as Gomer Pyle.
opie sardonicus: Oh, for a woodburning kit and time enough to burn Starhawk’s concentric constellation permanently into his pointy li’l head. Just the smell makes me giddy.
Justin: Starhawk’s face is too punchable for words. I gotta vote, as usual, for the high level of punchability.
Tall Guy: Baggle Axe’s groin shave reveal deserves a mention. As does The King of Sears’ look of superiority. But Starhawk, in an effort to elevate his whiney sneering presence to a higher state of being, takes such a comprehensive each way bet with his use of accessories that I am forced to cast my vote in his direction – in lieu of a large, glass-encrusted stone.
Starhawk didn’t win because he didn’t bring the innocent hotts the way the ‘Baggle Axe did. Lets turn it over to Hall of Mock veteran Troy Tempest to take us home:
Baggle Axe is every bit the ‘nozzle the other two are. He is a roided out greased up retarded boob surrounded by perfectly reasonable and sweet young women. The amount of contrast in this picture makes ET and Tyler look like blood brothers. Every time someone looks at this picture, a flock of morning doves flies into a woodchipper out of shame for living in the universe where this could happen.
Indeed, many doves have been woodchipped due to the ‘Baggle Axe’s G.S.R. So the ‘Baggle and the Marissas for the Monthly, and the DB1 for peppermint tea due to a hangover.
Monday, July 26, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Three enter. Three grated cheeses of masculinity in crisis with boobie lovin drizzle drip. Only one cohabit may rise like the ladies who lunch. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Starhawk and Maggie
The Starhawk is all that is poo in Peoria.
Maggie is all that is curvy hard work in a tough economy for hotties.
But together, are they simple club posing fraud crapatula? Or does the Starhawkian douche overwhelm and Maggie’s quality curves combine enough to win the Weekly and make the Monthly?
And lets not forget the formal Starhawk Puts On a Tie, as he attempts to charm the curvy and delightful Quartasian Anne.
Has your humble narrator been overusing the use of “Star” in our naming conventions?
Perhaps.
But ne’re has it been more accurate, either.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starry Blight and Hello Kat, aka The King of Sears
Hello Kat is both extremely bagongle curvy as well as the dreaded Stage-4 Bleeth, which means a female douchebaguette incapable of redemption thanks to too many hours in the Vegas Scrotelight.
The Starry Blight, aka The King of Sears (dubbed by mr.reeve), is all that is asskickworthy about Pompano. And lets not forget to factor in the Constellation of Poo.
The Blight and Kat make our second potential “Paid to HCwDB” exhibitionism. Which, don’t get me wrong, still completely qualifies for site mocking as true HCwDB. But whether actual shtupping is going on is possibly less likely, and therefore less toxic as a visual cohabitation.
Still, the Star Blight, like the Starhawk before him, lights the way to toilet flush.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe makes the Weekly on account of innovation, douche style points, and the toxic and dreaded Groin Shave Reveal.
The Marissa Sisters, a bit unfairly maligned the first time they appeared, are exactly the level of real world purity hottness that deserves to be protected from scrotepoo like Mr. ‘Baggle.
Combined, however, are they enough to defeat the clusters of Starcrust in our first two finalists?
That remains to be seen.
(Dis)honorable mention to Miami Bleach, Gunter and Sven’s Alien, Meow Tse Dung, and the crypto gaybaggery of Prince Warren Assholian. And Elizabeth from Larry the Claims Processor Holds on to 45 As Long as he Can will be up for the Hall of Hott later this week, but Larry just wasn’t douchey enough to make the finals.
So them’s your three.
Three couples enter. Only one may float like a turdfly and shwing like a pee.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
In a tight race with Muggy and Rosalyn’s Rosalyns, The Passion of the Crust just barely took the prize. And lets not forget pics #2 and #3, The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount.
The voters speak:
Douche Springsteen: Jebus, Mary & Broseph take the (urinal) cake this week. Jebus gives off a really bad creeper vibe, like he is into some vile form of pornography that can’t even be found on the internet and Mary is pure Gina Gershon-esque trashy hottness. Broseph is just along for the ride. Godspeed.
Crocodile Dun Douche: I have never so much wished for someone to be attacked by an albino in the dark of the night. And Mary, I like to imagine she has a thick spanish accent, and uses it to complain i don’t take her out for tapas anymore… why mary why, even in my dreams do you leave me?
Abdouchah the Butcher: B’Jesus, its Jebus! Alongside Immaculate Mary, we have a classic yin/turdgobbler thing goin’ on. His evident baptism in olive oil only adds yet another dimension to this tragedy.
Dex: You look yourself in the mirror, and you ask yourself “how much must one devote himself to the arts of being a douchebag, to actually be elevated to the status of ‘bag religious icon?”
justadouchalo: Jebus is a malodorous chunk of Non-Gonococcal Urethritis urethritis discharge that only a lengthy course of antibiotics will clear up during the course of which no alcohol or caffeine can be consumed. Broseph is grade III douche with shaved chest and stupid hair. Mary is immaculate.
Tony Ventresca: I cast my vote for #2, the Flying Jebusmonster. May he keep his limp noodly appendage far, far away from Mary, my future ex-wife, who is beautiful to my eyes, but for some odd reason is wearing 1980s black tights and pixie boots and sitting on the floor with two greasestains who are going to ruin that nice laminated hardwood.
jabbathebagger: Jebus. Though huffed and I puffed and tried in vain to peel away Swimhot’s flesh colored suit with a mighty stare, I have more than some suspicion that Model Bag’s signifiers have been photoshopped in for the ad campaign, and are now safely back on a clip art CD.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Despite the Rosalyn’s quality hottness, and the modelbag’s ridiculous groin tattoo, I have to vote for Jebus, simply because… Jebus creeps me the hell out.
dbBen: Leaving the martyred diety thing aside for a moment… this dude is the type of auto-douche that would shun real life responsibilities and accountability in honor of the pursuit of his “art.” His “art” sucks and is only intended to lure hotts. His 6 year old daughter Aniela hasn’t ever known her dad because he’s out shedding reality by getting high with p2p hotts. But it’s his “art”
Flounder: I’m Gonna have to go with Jebus for the win. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the Toe but Front Butt’s tramp stamp doen’t bring the skeeze like Jebus.
Manimal: Jebus, because I’ve long been looking for a legal excuse to Castrate a Biblical Bull Cpucky)… And, Mary, for ALMOST making me able to forgive that evil German C#nt I was idiotic enough to marry… As much potential redemption appears to lie within her lengthy thighs…
soy bomb: His whole lifestyle may steer the supple Virgin away from my tender loins and into some nightmarish heroin-soaked chastity den from whence she may never return. Damn you Jebus.
Jacques Doucheteau: Jebus is flawlessly pulling off the eurobag AND and emobag (eurmobag?) look, and that’s deserving of some sort of extra recognition. Am I right? Maybe the strangulation with piano wire type of recognition would be sufficient. And, he’s trying a little too hard to look depressed. Maybe it’s ’cause Mary purged all over his new Kris Van Assche printed shirt.
Sir David Douchenborough: I am sure he hitchhiked his way down to Williamsburg from Dartmouth College just to show off his hipster cred by dressing up as a coked out extra in an MGMT music video.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: a) You just know they haven’t showered in a month and reek to high heavens, b) he’s probably in some god-awful jam band, and c) they look like a bunch of pretentious twats.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win. They are a bizarre combination of eurobaggery, gaybaggery, hipsterbaggery and homelessness.
opie sardonicus: Jebus and crew ftw. The self-absorption in His face makes me a believer in the ouroboros tampon. That will mercifully disappear up itself. Here endeth the lesson.
Lord McBaggin: It was a hard fought battle, with Jebus climbing two tough hurdles, and by hurdles i mean rosalyns giant mountains. Muggy makes me want to give up my 10 cents off the next one. for the oportunity to bean him in the head with my empty beer bottle. But, Jebus needs castrated so that at least he can not spread his virus to gods next child.
Indeed, and castration seems appropriate Lord McB. The power of shirtless greaseosity in presence of anorexic Eurohott was too divine not to mock. But this was a tight race, and by tight I mean Rosalyn’s shirt. Coming in a very close second, Muggy Rodriguez and the Rosalyns:
Eliza Douchecoo: You gotta go with the perfectly ripe delicious melons of Rosalyn. And Candy is beautiful. Muggy in the middle makes me sick to my already sick hungover stomach. It’s people like that that piss me off, being a taint out in public with hot chicks. They wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire but they hang out with this f@cker?
Horace Dangleballs: Muggy has douche factor five written all over him and his face looks like he just swallowed the sour pickle he had been warming in his rectum. Rosalyn’s chest cannons fill me with vim and vigor.
Sack O Douche: Muggy is taint and turd mixed with MMA faux toughness. The Rosalyns make me wanna eat watermelons and spit the seeds all over Muggy’s Honda Civic. After, the Rosalyns would thank me with boobie pillow time at the Motel 6.
Condouchious say…: You know, the guys who think that wearing these shirts connects them to world of MMA somehow and that the day job installing car stereos at Best Buy is temporary until the UFC comes a-calling. Seriously I hope you accomplish you’re dream of being mounted and pummeled by sweaty shirtless men…and I hope your MMA career takes off too.
Poultry Turd: Green card or not, Muggy Rodriguez should be tied to a fencepost in the Maricopa County desert, and left to the tender mercies of the 120 degree heat, the buzzards and pickup truck loads of Arizona rednecks.
G: Muggy has to win, just for the douche face alone. And the hotts are hott. Not much else to say for this week.
THEONETRUEDOUCHE: Muggy for the win. Modelbag and swimhott seem a bit phony- The glasses are fake-and that tattoo may just wash off- Muggy seems gives us that self confidence that will keep him here when he hits 45 has the same job and there is a faint hint that he is no longer a hit with the hotties.
Donkster: Muggy. If I saw him make that face in person I would punch him immediately as a reflex action. It’s not many a douche that causes the immediate auto reflex punch.
scrotum pole: I dreamed that Rosalyn was playfully bouncing her supple breasts about my face and neck while calling me naughty names. When I awoke, my wife was beating me with a sack of oranges and cussing me for peeing on the bathroom floor again.
I hate it when I end up pissing on the floor after being beaten with oranges. Good work, team. Rosalyn’s Rosalyns look like an early favorite at the 2010 Best Golden Globes category at the Douchie Awards in December. Coming in a distant third and proving that staged modelbaggery just doesn’t rankle the way the amateurs do, The Swimhott and Modelbag:
Architeuthis Douche: Swimhott and Modelbag by a nose over the Jebus. Both are useless hipster types. However, gaze deep into the eyes of the Jebus. He cries himself to sleep every night because his pro union dad thinks that his son is funny or something. The Modelbag, by contrast, is cocky and assured in his American Apparel lifestyle. F@ck that.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: The Swimhott’s curvaceous hips indicate an optimal level of fertility, and for The Modelbag to plant his more-than-likely mongloid seed within said womb would be a brass-knuckled punch to Charles Darwin’s esophagus.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: I’m with Cameltoe. She is al that is pure and fuclable that baby Jesus taught us to love and protect. Proof indeed that the good father is looking over us. This weeks’ trifecta of blasphemy had caused me to lose faith this week. I will awake restored after a sweet Cameltoe dream in which model dude is de-rosaried by Stackhouse.
RAPETIME: She is everything right with vaginas and librarian glasses (a fetish I’ve long shared with DB1) and he is just ASKING for an axe handle to be applied repeatedly to his stupid shaved groin and ribcage.
Lil’ Fartknocker: After studying Swimhott’s hips…reminded me when Darryl Hannah whooped Harrison Ford’s ass…then put him in a headlock with her thighs…think she had the same swimsuit as Swimhott…I know she has the same thighs.
The hottie/douchey factor was off the charts, what with librarian glasses, cameltoe reveal and the douche’s stomach tatt, but the “posed” factor just defeated the douche-aura. So it is Jebus’s turn to lead us out of the darkness to the light of powermock. Lets let Ted take us home:
Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win. There is a certain type of douchiness that has the potential to trounce even fist-pumping roid-rage ed-hardy douche… and that is the pretentious art-f#ck douche who appears to be suffering even though he’s as simple as a pimple. I grew up near RISD, believe me, I know this. Plus, Mary is unattainable hott.
Well said Ted, and extra props for the RISD art-douche reference (so true). Gold stars to everyone who voted for another hilarious comments thread. The Jebus and Mary Stain for the Monthly, and DB1 for Coco Puffs.
Monday, July 19, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Three servings of hott sauce and choad soup. Three couplings may enter. But only one may proceed like the rash on my ankle. Heres’ your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Muggy Rodriguez and the Rosalyns
Muggy is a classic “Douche Aura” douchebag. More than the sum of his douche parts.
He may not have the overwhelming signifiers of a louder choadtaint, but something in that smugg-ass face suggests a deeper infection and a greater social crudstain than meets the eye.
And, of course, stupid t-shirt, spiker hair and white belt = autobag.
And then there’s Rosalyn’s Rosalyns. Twin heaving mounds of perspiring melonic perfection in tonal harmonic seventh chord with a sus-4 lift.
Her melody is in the key of boobs.
I took a year of Recorder class in third grade just so I could know how to suckle musically.
Factor in her hot friend Candy, and this pic has hottie/douchey dialectic in spades.
But what about:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
Hark! And Jebus said, ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of douche, I smell like lilacs.”
I like to think of Jebus as a “fungamentalist Crisptian.”
Or perhaps a “Pentacrustal bore again?”
And lets not forget pic #2 in our pup tent revival, The Jebus and Mary Stain.
Mary is all that is eating disordered in Bilbao. She is the absolute epitome of Eurosexiness, and is to be commended with a light paddling on the bottom.
Broseph just wants to enjoy his tasty Riccola.
Together, they make a heaping serving of Euro crud. And we haven’t had a Eurocrud HCwDB of the Week winner since last year’s Franco travesty, The Eurobag. Could this be the Week?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Swimhott and Modelbag
At first I was gonna eliminate Swimhott and Modelbag as I don’t usually include “pro” pics as part of hottie/douchey analysis.
And then I asked myself, “Well? How did I get here?” And then I asked myself, “This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my not a douchebag.”
Letting the days go by, Cameltoe cameltoe cameltoe.
So they’re in.
Why not?
Maybe a modelbag in librarian glasses and a super asskickworthy model douche with a stupid tatt can take the prize, pro pic or not.
Dishonorable mention to The inflated Euroboobs, and the tough to not include Tri-Skull Vic and Maria (Vic just didn’t piss me off enough). And I’m eliminating Beau and Mindy because Mindy’s already starting in with annoying takedown requests, and struggled with not including Monique and Tatt Pec Tony but standard issue Vegas Hard Rock crapfests don’t rankle like they used to.
So them’s your three.
You may pick one, and only one, coupling for the next HCwDB of the Month.
Is it the Swimhott and Modelbag? Or the Jebus and Mary Stain? Or the real world Muggy?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Canada, thy shame is deep. Between this mugging of sweet Kimberly, and then Fred and Jed Mountini going for Appletinis, this swirl of HCwDB toxicity brings deep condemnation to the entire nation(s) of The Great White North. And just barely edged out The Tang and Shoshanna, and The Frogger/Lily combos.
The voters speak:
Et Tu Douche?: The Mountinis & Kimberly FTW. Kimberly is Hott in the non-slutty way with her curvaicious legs & bum I bet she’s very enthusiastic in the art of guilt free fornicating which, Canadian girls like their European sisters, take very serious and more importantly enjoy on a regular basis. The Mountinis encapsulate all that is D-Baggery and earn the win with classic/clowny DB signifiers, narcissistic attitudes and lack of individuality. These clowns are what this forum was founded on. They deservedly are worthy of our mock and out votes for we must adhere to the founding principles put forth by the founder of this forum.
opie sardonicus: Mountinis and Kimberlee ftw. Pure mathematics makes this easy. No way any one mortal douche can hold up against a menage a Trois Rivieres. The pure gang-banginess trumps whatever the other ‘bags bring. And as a Canadian, I am ashamed.
Horace Dangleballs: White belts with jeans. Virtual reality sungoggles. Shaved chests. Belt buckles the size of hubcaps. Steroid-induced muscles that would prohibit them from slapping a mosquito that landed on top of their heads. “Look at me!” tattoos. Whatever little purses / bags two of the three seem to be sporting. And that completely leaves out one of them drinking what appears to be a COSMOPOLITAN in the second photo. Congratulations, latent homos. It appears the ‘roids have finally shrunken your testicles to the point you are now women… to the shame and horror of women everywhere.
Lord McBaggin: Mountinis For Sure. That is one trio of society’s demise. they should all be impaled rectally on a very long pike witch is planted in the ground, and left as a totem in the great white north. so that future civilizations may heed the warning of the douchtitude.
Douchè: Shoshanna poses with everyone (I’m convinced that other guy is not the same), rendering the Tang no threat to anyone. Froggy was very close, but the second picture (sharing fruity beverages) definitely puts the Mountinis over the top.
saulgoode42: Has to be The Mountinis – who else looks like they could kick your ass, and then polish it and put a little doilie on it afterwards to serve you breakfast and beg your forgiveness? Such is the clash in these ambi-sextrous dudes.
Tony Ventresca: Although the Mountinis make me embarassed to be a Crazy Canuck, their uber-doucheness is so strong that it is causing passersbys in the background to stare and laugh in amusement at this vignette of horror. I’m assuming this photo was taken somewhere in Quebec. If it was Alberta – our other totally useless province – these douches would be in cowboy hats.
Sack O Douche: I say Mountinis are the winner. Shirts off with pants is rad and bag in my opinion! Plus, slutty Kimberly and her tight dress can bend over for me anytime.
Wheezer: I’m going with The Mountinis FTW. I know the broheims just wanna have fun, but when your leader does his hair like the side of Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 head yet combines that with his “manly” tribals…..oh screw it, you’re just a douche.
Eliza Douchecoo: I considered my initial vote for Shoshanna based on her hottness but thought about it over lunch. The Mountinis would have to be the winners here. The guys hair ensemble is incredibly ridiculous. While Shoshanna is sexy, the Mountinis are complete and total douchebags, the appletini pic is the icing on the ‘bag.
Anonymous: The Mountinis FTW. His hair is one of the most stupid arrangements I have seen in some time
Bag Margera: my vote goes to Mountinis. Whether it’s Edmonton, Niagra, or the Trois-Rivières area, these poonises bring shame to my already G-20 shamed country.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Even though The Tang makes me want to set defenseless woodland creatures on fire, and I would leap all over Lily Pad Hott, my vote must be for The Mountinis. They are, by all accounts, a perfect visual representation of the Greico virus. In the beginning there was probably only one Mountini, but because the other two “bro’s” were constantly exposed to the atrocity of the fauxhawk and tribal tatts, they are now infected.
Don’t worry, Kimberly, I’ll rescue you. And then serenade you with ancient Hawaiian lovesongs on my ukelele.
Exactly right and excellently deconstructed by all who voted. I defy anyone who claims that Kimberly does not hold up the Hott side of the equation. Take another look. She is Canadian politeness mixed with drunken boozehound. An easier combination has yet to be globally located. Coming in a close second, The Tang and Shoshanna:
dbBen: She smiles now, but she won’t be smiling once she finds out that Insurance Fraud is a felony.
elderdouch: My vote goes to The Tang and Shoshanna is HOT!!! and her grandfather is NOT
boatbutter: Tang. Mainly because of his stubby little midget legs. Shoshanna must’ve taken his femurs and stuffed them in her boobs. Which appear unmanageably huge. And awesome.
End the Haberdouchery: The Tang. Only an asshole like this guy would hire Yao Ming to be his photographer.
smackdouche: The Tang and Shoshanna. With a win, Tang will show that childhood polio hasn’t kept him from being a winner–and a douche.
Deltus: Tang and Shoshanna. We have roided up tattbag, age inappropriateness, and Shoshanna is all kinds of innocent looking super built uber hottness omigod fap fap fap fap fap.
Mr. Biggs: The true HCwDB moment requires not only a rank looking douchebag, but the innocent, happy, intelligent hott who has no idea of the horrors in store for her. And in this, Tang and Shoshanna get the gold. Tang’s douchey pedosmile, Shoshanna’s eternally youthful beam, it’s a moment for the annals of HCwDB.
Scooby Douche: Shoshanna has incredible breasts. I would watch those like a CIA spy satellite in geosynchronous orbit over Russia. And take photos too. And masturbate to them in the darkroom.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Tang dares to dream big. He dreams of a time when he’ll no longer have the legs of a five year-old girl stricken with polio. He dreams of a time when other douches will stop using him as a human drink coaster. More importantly he dreams of a time when people stop asking him “Are you the father on ‘Little People, Big World’?” Yes, he’ll show them. He’ll show them.
I’m pleased to see my appreciation for the real world wholesome but lustful beauty of Shoshanna was not missed by others. Coming in a solid third place, with significant support, was the Kid Rock shwanger, The Frogger and his Lily Pad, Leanner:
Crazed Aborigine: Just on the strength of oily, slightly bleethy, bikini clad brunette perfection, it must be Frogger. He needs to be the guest of honor at the roadkill cafe, she needs to be my next executive office assistant, AKA the plaintiff in my NEXT harrassment suit. The six digit payout would be worth it, I tell you.
Anthony LaBaglia: Leanne is a coupla shelves higher than these other two. I love the way she’s ever-so-subtly rolling that string bottom down her hip. She looks so cool, and self-aware.
Douchelips: I have to swim against the tide and vote for The Frogger Lily Pad Hott. She is all sorts of greased up water pond delicious. Lithe and smooth, ready to shimmy over to my side of the pond for some slime wrestling. The Frogger on the other hand has watched too may Kid Rock videos and obviously thinks that’s what passes for cool. Nobody wants to be your “homie” Frogger. Now take that wife-beater, athletic pants, ironic glasses and hat-tilt out out to the cow pasture and pick up the dung. Becuase that’s where you belong.
Dicy: While the Tang is all that is wrong and the world and Shoshana is all that is right in the world.. I do have a personal vendetta against Kid Rock trashy douches so its gotta be Frogger, he’s the kind of taint that makes my blood boil and even more so for being so close to a lovely lily pad!
Doucheasaurus Rex: Froggy and LeAnn. Try in vain as I may, i would always inevitably lose if the game was called Hot chicks with Froggers. I want to seem him squished.
Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: If there’s any justice in this universe, the Frogger will perish in a meth lab fire, and soon, and Leanne will move north of the Mason-Dixon line, or at least to a place where Deliverance is thought of as a work of fiction and not a documentary. If the universe is benign, she will seek me out, and I can teach her all about things she has yet to experience from her home town, such as art, the printed word, and food that wasn’t killed running across a highway.
Ted: The hott power of Leanne puts the Frogger over the top. Frogger might actually be a fakey pretender in pure costume bagginess, but Leanne causes me to forget all this and… I’m sorry, what was I saying? I lost my train of thought.
Indeed, and I still feel Southern Douche just doesn’t get its proper mock on the site. We’ll have to rectify that in the future. But this week, it was Canada’s time to shine. And by shine, I mean shoes. Lets let mr.reeve take us home:
Shoshanna and Lily Pad are hotter than Kimberly but the Mountinis are just too much douche and Axe for me to pass up. Girly martinis, roids, f*cked up hair and bad cloths are how the Mountinis roll with a Canadian twist. What a Canadian twist is I do not know, but Canada is our neighbor and it appears the douche flu lives there as well. Sorry Canada.
Indeed. Good work to all who voted once again for quality parse. Chalk up our first coupling of toxicity for the next HCwDB of the Month. And your semi-humble narrator for Cheez Puffs.
Monday, July 12, 2010HCwDB of the Week
This is a quality smackdown. Three supreme all beef patty choices. You know the drill. Bring it. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Frogger and Leanne, aka Lily Pad Hott
About time we get some Kid Rock classic Southern Douchebag all up in this bisquit.
Froggy is classic roadkill chum.
Elvis glasses, hat tilt and ‘tude.
And lets not forget, The Frogger’s Lily Pad Pear Grab (aka “the day the music died”).
The opposition between quality female form and truck runover worthy Bawdiggaba da douchey douchey douchey is strong with this one.
But strong enough to be award winning shoe scrape?
Southern Kid Rock Trashbag types have rarely won a Weekly.
Could this be the tide turn? And by tide turn, I mean Lily’s lickable wallpaper?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Tang and Shoshanna
Strange mutant camera angle that shrinks The Tang’s legs into stumpy twigs is complimented by a second pic of The Tang in which The Tang may or may not actually be The Tang.
This is just all sorts of weirdness.
For The Tang is not just spikey haired orangedouche. He’s also an important technological innovation.
You see, the Tang was famously invented by NASA in the 1970s to insure that astronauts wouldn’t fear death in the case of emergency. If the Shuttle was in trouble, all the astronauts had to do was realize that The Tang existed, and life would seem meaningless and death a welcome release.
And there’s two pics of sweet wholesome Polly Purebread boobie gnaw in the form of sorority pledging Shoshanna.
The dialectic is strong with this pairing. But enough to win the Weekly? What about:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Bringing deep shame to Canada, the atrocious Mountinis continued to mug Kimberly until they gave up and went for Appletinis.
Add up the douchetributes:
Greased widow peak hair on Mountini Fred.
Roided up orangebag status.
And poor Kimberly. All she wanted to do was find a decent boy to make out with in the greater Trois-Rivières area.
(Dis)honorable mention to Boris, who brought Suzie’s perfect boobage but a bit too ironic dressup to make the Weekly, the creepy goth douche of Nick Preps for Brain Surgery, and the hotness of Paid to Pose Lisa who got snagged by The Spike Brothers.
But them’s your three HCwDB finalists, and all three are quality. Which will rise to the top (bottom) and earn our first slot in the next HCwDB of the Month?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
EDIT: And while you’re voting, take a moment to remember the unique voice and brilliance of Harvey Pekar.
