HCwDB of the Week
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Wednesday, June 23, 2010
HCwDB of the Week: The Lake Crotch Cactii
Are Jed and Barry, aka Iceman and Goose, simply creepy small town URC sipping fodder in Monday’s HCwDB of the Month? Can Iceman Eventually Find Love?
Perhaps.
But for this week, their creepy muggings of Michelle and Julie were enough to take the win/loss. The voters speak:
RAPETIME: The decision this week was frighteningly easy. The Cactii are bringing swole muscles, lobster tans, six-pound watches, a definite hint of gaybaggery, and the ruin of modern human civilization in a package that would make Stephen King crawl under his bed and rewrite The Stand, replacing every reference to “Captain Trips” with “Grieco Virus”, and rewriting the ending so that aliens would carpet-bomb the planet with fusion bombs, killing even the cockroaches.
James Roden: Lake Crotch Catii for the win. They’ve got it all, nothing more needs to be said. It’s like they went down a douche checklist.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: In the early 1800’s a young botanist went on a journey to the Galapagos Islands. He identified 15 species of the Prickly Pear (Opuntia Cactaceae). Fourteen of which evolved from the original exhibiting sharp spines on the limbs and joints and adapting to their environment, their main predators being the iguana and tortoise. The fifteenth was abandoned due to lack of the technogies needed to explain its de-evolution. A major beakthrough followed many years later when a young entrepreneur and evolutionary biologist identified it as The Lake Crotch Cactii. It grew to over five feet tall with a lumpy and irregular shape, waxy spiked hairs to protect against its main predator HCwDB. Turning pink upon over exposure to the sun it is the most foul smelling of all the Prickly Pair sub species. It is thought that the spores of the original travelled to the British Islands where it was unfit to prosper and thrived once landing in the America’s. Darwin weeps.
justadouchalo: That dying, low-tide smell that pervades Lake Crotch finds its source in the Cacti swamping the competition in a fetid tsunami of tribal tats, manhole cover timepieces, mandana, grease and a stubborn case of toenail fungus.
WheezerHCwDB: Let’s lose that lovin’ feeling and give the Weekly Top Gun to Iceman and the Lake Crotch Cacti, though I see Iceman on a future solo flight as he needs no wingman. So get on it and vote for them! That’s right: Iceman is…..dangerous.
Medusa Oblongata: In the spirit of the hoarding I’m doing in the shadow of the looming apocalypse, I’m voting for Douche that comes in bulk. It’s like going to Sam’s Club and buying a ten-gallon jar of pus and Santorum. Very efficient.
Bag Margera: I always knew that if anybody actually liked Top Gun as much as my best friend’s dad, then they must be Grieco-Era, Ground Zero Douche. This weekly only serves to prove that. While their hott’s boobies aren’t up to par with the other boobies, I would still rock them like a hurricane. Crotch Cacti for the win.
melvil duchi: I saw a couple of stage 1 douches at the beach this past weekend that reminded me of Iceman and Goose. they had arm tattoos and were fist pumping in the ocean( no music is needed, apparently). and they were drinking Busch Light.
Don’t_Squeeze_The_Douche: Good god, is Lake Crotch Cacti in Louisiana? Has the oil spill made it this far inland? I see 4 examples that it has…and proof we can expect a generation of scrote and bleeth related side effects.
Mr. Scrotato Head: For proving beyond all reasonable doubt that Crayola could in fact successfully market a 64-color box set simply titled “Flesh”, Lake Crotch Cactii for the win. Note to Goose, Strawberry tone is the new skin cancer.
Good work team, it was a Crotch Slide. And by Crotch Slide, I mean Valtrex. Coming in wayyyy in the rears, and by rears I mean Booty Bumpin’ Frisco style, the Lawn Giland couplings of Troy Khan and Angie, and Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy:
Doucheblaster: I vote for doucehbag#2 because he looks like the UFC fighter George St. pierre and anything french is auto-douche. A contest of Douchiosity is a naploeanic conquest hands down(unlike ww I and WWII) everytime
ever present anonymous: All choads being equal, I’ll have to vote by which set of boobies I’d most like to motor boat. The rack on Angie for the win. That makes Troy Khan the winner (loser) by default.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: It’s Troy Khan by a Scottsdale mile. His primitive display of shorn chest muscles reflects his juvenile need for attention and his corresponding pay scale. Troy couldn’t beat a deaf mute in a spelling bee, and for some reason, I like that. And by ‘like’, I mean, ‘Angie has ample sweater meat’.
Crocodile Dun Douche: KHHHAAAAANNNN! To be honest, if he does up a button or two I’m willing to give him a notadouche pass. But its that skeezy reveal that gets him my vote. And Angie sweet misguided Angie, may I moar my boat between you bouys for the night?
Euripidouche: ronkonkoma dave and tangerine, tangerine with the curvy hips and the bolt-ons that rival michael bolton’s studio albums for being overdone, and dave for being the classic douche who only has arrogant belief that his taste is the only taste in anything discussed worth discussing.
Mock Turtle: I can’t get past Tony Khan. I’ve gotta go with the gut-feel. And by “gut feel”, I mean “as it upchucks”.
Et Tu Douche?: I’ll go back to an old standby for Troy. If one were to walk in a bar, party, room etc and he was standing there with his chest reveal an immediate “what a douchebag would be one of the first thoughts that would run through ones mind. It looks like he has more cleavage then she does. That being said they get my vote for the win.
I thought both our second and third place finishers were pretty douchey myself, but whadda I know. Although we’re in a quieter week as we gear up for an intense HCwDB of the Month before the July 4th holidays (and the DB1 drunk and in New Hampshire), lets let Pablo Sinatra take us home:
Lake Crotch Cactii completely runs away with it this week. I consider myself to have a pretty good vocabulary, but looking at that picture, I am completely at a loss for words. I hope they all stayed out in the sun for a few more hours, though.
Gold stars (not star tatts) to all who voted. And your scruff narrator for sugar cereals and Bosco.
Monday, June 21, 2010HCwDB of the Week
It’s a Long-Island-Palooza of a weekly. Three very similar cuts of ‘Island hott/choad. The last Weekly before the Monthly, as the summer holidays fast approach.
Bring it, Vuvuzela style:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy
Dave works hard for the weekend.
Tammy likes to tan.
They don’t leave their small town that often.
Because Tammy’s gotta work the Tuesday shift at “The Clam Bake” by the shore, and Dave’s busy bussing tables at the nearby Applebees.
It’s a hard knock life. But they get by.
Except, every so often, when it’s time to party. And Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy get their hottin’ and douchin’ on.
But enough to win the Weekly? That leads us to:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Troy Khan’s Chest Reveal and Angie
Khannnn!!!
Yes, it’s true, Star Trek 2 references will never die. It is the Citizen Kane of the 80s. “Citizen Khan,” if you will. A masterpiece of an innovation of a genius wrapped in an earwig. May it live forever in cinema history.
Troy is just your average chest-shave revealing superpud.
He is to be mocked and derided by Spock and Derrida.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying anymore.
Angie is our second trashy Island humpty-hump, but underneath that curvy objectified exterior, there’s a sweet princess who just longs to be free.
And by princess, I mean large baby bagoombas.
Because I’m sensitive to the literature like that.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Lake Crotch Cactii
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Is Pink, Ruddy and Pumped Up enough to win an HCwDB of the Week? Jed and Barry, aka “Iceman” and “Goose,” sure think so.
This pic has spike, mandana, and, the markings of true HCwDB, Ubiquitous Red Cup. On the right, The Iceman certainly has a strange, creepy inflated ‘tude that is pure “douche aura.” And Michelle is quality lithe gnaw. She certainly brings the coquettish Kelly McGillis in an inverted dive with a MIG polaroid smile to the game.
But can The Crotch Cactii win simply on the basis of secondary information, like Iceman’s homerotic posing with his bros? Or The Iceman Finding Love on a boat?
Just missing the cut, Hurley Luncherson, who was just too happy to be a finalist (and Amzonian Reese Witherspoon just didn’t bring the hott), the tough guy prom hilarity of Omaha Goes Gangsta, the blazing hottness of Natalie’s Eyes, Dr. Jorge Mendoza for writing in with one of the douchiest emails of the year (see you at the 2010 Douches, Dr. Doza), and The Hebro, eliminated for being a pro-bag porn actor.
Them’s your three.
Only one coupling is wrong enough to earn the Monthly. Which is it?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Four Prong and the K Sisters
Some say 4 Prong is gender ambiguous. Others argue that there are five prongs. Still others note that Einstein’s theory of relativity was incompatible with particle/wave duality. But that’s not relevant right now.
The voters voted, and it was a solid win/loss of prongnostication. Seconded by Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie. The voters speak:
Euripidouche: four prong, for bleaching the hair he intended to later spike, this is an evolved two step douche plan to look that phenomenally stupid.
THEONETRUEDOUCHE: four prong- he has the same black tie and solid shirt signature look- if you work that hard to plan out your doucherobe then he is the weakly
Cheesesock: I gotta go with Four Prong on this one. Two quality, bra-revealing hotts and an uberscrotewank with (yet again!) E-blo’s jizm hair styling gel is the absolute embodiment of the dialectic of hottie/douche co-mingling.
tall guy: Four prong for the win. I mean, fair’s fair: four prongs + blonde tips + those ridiculous fake jewel encrusted sunglasses. Add the untied tie and I think I need counseling. Besides, he’s as close as he realistically should ever be to top shelf rack and all he does is pull a daft face. What a cockneck!
Hot Buttered Poopcorn: Four Prong has 2 hotts and has crowned himself prince of the douches with that stupid tiara-do.
massengill: I gotta give it to the Pronger. I loved the Ninja Turtles, too, but you don’t see me coifing an ode to The Shredder on top of my head. No. You don’t.
armydouche: gotta be four prong. his commitment to the hair is easily 4 times that of anything UFT guy does and in my humble oppinion out douches the hair of frong. i my be splitting hairs on that one… more time goes in to that hair than the average human spends eating and deficating in a week. Prong can also pull some tastey hott and therefore gets my vote.
One for the Choad: Four Prong by a country mile. The most punchable piece of poo this site has seen in many a moon. And I’d give a year’s salary to unsnap Kassandra’s lacy red bra and gaze upon the beauty that is her perfect breasts.
Musicman: I’m voting for Prong…he looks like the annoying douche who would like to tell you he has more money than you… Plus, I vote just to see more Kimmy and Kassandra…you gotta love Kassandra’s smile…I went from 6 o’clock to 12 o’clock so fast!
SloppyJoe: I would mount Four Prong’s head on my make-shift spear to hunt for saltwater fish in hopes of one last meal to keep me alive long enough for the K Sisters to rescue me in a raft made entirely from their used brasseires.
Accurate, deadly and prongy eviceration, well argued, team. The ambiguity of gender is confounded by miscounted prong power. And Kimmy’s shoulder requires my suckle. More appreciation for Kimmy and Kassandra is needed. Coming in second, Unfin…:
Tudacious: UTG with his waterproof zirconian encrusted watch, his hat ” that i’m sure if you switch some letters around” will say Asshat. He turns his hat around so nothing is covering his eyes and then wears no sunglasses WTF! I bet he forgets to hold his breath when he goes underwater.
Southern Scrotic: I’ll have to go with Unfinished Tatt Guy paired with Unfinished Boobjob Girl. Their matching knotted strings make them the couple of the week.
Claude Douchenburg: I said it before and I will say it again, I didn’t go to enough underwear parties in my day.
Deltus: Don’t be fooled by his not mugging for the camera. UTG’s got a dumb hat, a half-of-his-body tribal tatt underway, six pound watch, and oh sweet baby Jesus, he has nipple rings that I just noticed! UGH! Sandy brings the AGA (love that one, boss), and A-Game Ass (hmm, AGA squared?), and a face that makes the angels sing for it’s sweetness. She looks fresh and unblemished, and his poo is going to infect her, and that makes my inner child weep.
End the Haberdouchery: I want to follow him around every second of everyday, blowing a vuvuzela until he blows his brains out with a shotgun.
Douches Wild: He is simian, dimly aware of others, redolent of assumed entitlement with a high slappability quotient. Sandy’s modest boobage insures that she will go that extra mile to make sure his prostate does multiple back flips, like a precocious chihuahua.
Well argu. And coming in third, with solid support, The ginormous Faux and Boobies of Frong:
Bag Margera: I vote for Frong. Besides the hair, he has what is known as the douche-aura. The look on his face leads you to believe he is very proud of himself and his life choices. He expects us all to be impressed with his hair and his and his half-way hott. They look related to each other, and no, I am not impressed. Not. One. Bit.
Bob the Bag Hunter: Frong is the winner. Anyone guy that puts that much work into their hair is douche. Plus, those fun bags next to him look damn good. Frong is the WINNER.
Wedgie: I’m going with Frong because my kids like yugioh cards.
Frong represented, but this was the ambiguous gender and uncountable prongs, plus double bra hott K Sister time to shine. Lets let Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky take us all the way home:
My humble vote goes to Four Prong. Not only for the ridiculous hairstyle that has surely never been and never will be “rad”, but because the K sisters are a unbelievable potent double barrel hotgun of fwap-ability. Even with that stupid Spider-man tatoo. I’d let her shoot my web. I’m not sure what that’s even supposed to mean. Seriously… that hair is douche-tastic. And the sunglasses? Please, someone put him out of my misery.
The Prongster earns the next slot in the HCwDB of the Month. Good work to all who voted, and your humble narrator for a Honey Bunch of Oat.
Monday, June 14, 2010HCwDB of the Week
This week’s a doozy serving of cross-cutting greasery and curve boobery. Your narrator’s hopped up on sugar snacks and quality Kelloggs sugar cereal. So get our votin’ on. Bring it:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Four Prong And the K Sisters (Kimmy and Kassandra)
Douchebags who look like Lesbians isn’t just a future blog I need to create. It’s also the spike-douche we call “Four Prong.”
Who has Five Prongs.
But, just like a propaganda controlled Winston Smith in Orwell’s 1984, you only see four. Because Big Bro’ is Fist Pumping.
And lets not forget the second culture crapping atrocity, Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie.
When the K Sisters giggle, you just know their boobies shimmy like aortic jello. And for that, we golf clap their ability to avoid eating carbs, and gnaw on their toesies.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Unfinished Tatt Guy and Sandy
Unfinished Tatt Guy is clearly a.
Anyone who walks around with the smug half-tatt and Miller Lite argues for.
Because UTG can’t finish any.
UTG’s favorite expression in French is “comme ce comme ca.”
UTG drives a semi-trailer.
UTG’s favorite punctuation mark is a “;”
As to the Hott side of the dialectic, Sandy brings A-Game Abs (AGA). I would lickle. Then suckle. Then fondkle. Then wail in primal agony for an imperfect universe that suggests godless crisis.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Frong and Latisha
From Prong to Frong.
Frong almost didn’t make the cut. Aging rocker drift-choad tends not to rankle the way sneery young bucks do. Not to mention it’s hard to tell if Latisha really is bringing the A-List Hott, or just a fantastic set of mammsicles.
Come to think of it, a fantastic set of mammsicles goes a long way.
Frong is all that is over-hairsprayed about sad former bassists in local bar Floyd tribute bands, like “Comfortably Pink.”
Combined, they form a toxic stench that is well worthy of the Weekly. SO lets add these two to the competition and see what floats.
I eliminated Gary Glitter for potential gaybaggery, Veg Armstrong for Vegas Skankhottery, Marmadouche for not quite enough hott chickery, and Joey Makes the Puke Face for not enough douchery (but a tremendous swim team hott).
I’m also seriously considering boxing a penguin just to distract Amanda long enough to steal her anklet.
But these are your finalists, and only one may earn the next slot in the Monthly in two weeks. Which’ll it be?
Remember, voting for an HCwDB pic requires you to consider, contrast, innovation, spectacle, and sexy/crappy vortex of contradiction that gives voice to the projection of Freud’s Primal Scene onto the realm of the comedic erotic.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina
A tough, tough vote, with Lenny barely overtaking Shower Long, and with the tatttastic Mopey nearly coming in a surprising third based on a strong write-in campaign (and perhaps earning a slot in next week’s Weekly). But Middle Aged Old Sag takes the Weekly. The voters speak:
Douche Dastardly: At first glance Lenny’s Gladiator photo could be quickly labeled as some simple Old Bag Costume party one time thing, but those ab tatts and flaming basketball quarter arm sleeve tell us this is not Lenny’s first time at the rodeo. Walnuts is right. Lenny is definitely an asshole, but first and foremost he is a douche. Lenny FTW
Musicman: Lenny and Paulina FTW….While I give major props to oldbags who want to keep seeing women…However, when you dress with nothing but a leather underwear, it’s goddamn scary. Making me look it him more makes me want to take two pencils, and shove them in my eyes. At least the pain from that is better than seeing Lenny dressed like that.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: “Death B4 Dishonor”, Lenny? How ’bout just “Death”? Maybe by being impaled by large rod-shaped object in an area of great discomfort? Eh, forget it, he’d love it. Even with the delicious East-German version of Ana Faris right there. Mmmmmm.
Vin Douchal: Gotta go with Lenny/Paulina FTW on the basis of he should know better but he doesn’t.
Jimmy: Being as the end is nigh, it takes a special breed of douche to really become memorable. So when mild mannered accountant Lenny decided to sell his soul at the crossroads for his ripped body, Lucifer himself created the horrible visage we see here.
Baleen: Lenny ftw. After looking at him, shit sputtered out my ass like paint balls exploding in the toilet in a series of toxic splats that forever will be encrusted on the porcelain.
Troy Tempest: Lenny wins because he’s old to know better. And his GSR caused me such gas I left a skidmark on the sofa.
Douchelips: Lenny’s and Paulina simply for the best showing by an oldbag in ages. I mean look at that outfit! The tatts, that hated 2010 bag signifier the groin shave reveal, and for looking like a trustworthy salesman, Lenny deserves the win (loss). Now if only Lynn wants to come over and have a sleep-over party with me, we can eat gummy bears and watch Friday the 13th while I gently rub her thigh…
Mahatma Gandouche: I was in a Starbucks this morning and heard a young girl scream out in horror… DAD? and then ran out the door in tears, leaving her laptop on the table I glanced over to see she had this picture of Lenny on her screen and felt sorry for her. I decided a vote for him would only prolong his 15 min of fame.
tall guy: I vote Lenny. The chance that he’s not already been of his complete and utter doucheness is, at best, remote, but I make an allowance for the strong probability that he’s been running with a pack of similarly hideous types and availed himself of strength in numbers.
Medusa Oblongata: I cast my vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis. Why? Because I have labored over too many humid, middle-aged crotches doing shit tattoos like that. I have had to have my mug too close to the junk of too many Viagra-addled creepsters like this, getting these stupid tattoos in a desperate effort to impress their new [potential] girlfriends.
Mr. Biggs: Midlife crisis. All the way, no question, no debate. For eye gouging display of douchebaggery, there is no parallel. His very tattoo is a contradiction because he should have killed himself long ago for such a disgraceful display.
Hong Kong Douchey: Lenny FTW. He needs to hit the bricks ’cause that aluminum siding ain’t gonna sell itself. Lenny needs to get out of the clubs so he can start saving for his 14 year-old daughter’s therapist bills. She and Mom moved back to Kansas after the divorce. C’mon, Lenny, I’m only 40 and know better than to try that look.
Doucheasorus Maximus: Lenny FTW. Did he lose a bet? WTF is he thinking??
Indeed he did lose a bet, D.M. It’s a long story involving greased chihuahuas and a spice trader named Vincent. Coming in a solid second, the ridiculousness of Showy Long and Lynn:
Bagnonymous: I vote Showie Long and Lynn–they’re too perfectly “textbook” douchebag & bleeth to pass up. It’s like they’d fit perfectly on the cover of DB1’s book [insert shameless plug here].
BMC: Showy Long and Lynn for the win. The hot is, well, hot and he certainly is not.
Victor von Douche: I’m going to have to go with Showie Long. The insidious tongue exposure, cocked hat, tat sleeve, Ed Hardy shorts, etc. are all classic douche, he clearly wants it the most.
Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt: Showie’s tongue looks like a professional football placekicker tagged him square in the nads with a full force kick, and with his last bit of life-energy, he let his escaped manhood dribble out of his mouth.
Douchey the Great: Showie and Lynn FTW. He’s pollution in the gene pool (and any other pool he jumps into), and Lynn is unadulterated Stage 4 Bleeth.
Cheesesock: oh Lynn, she of hot tummy suckle and eternal damnation.
Lynn’s bod certainly qualifies for something. Involving lotion and raisins. And in a solid third place, with support for being a Fox wearing pud, was Abe Foxman and Team:
Et Tu Douche?: They both bring the goods. Imho she is sneaky hott the kind that would stun you with her enthusiastic, all things go, playful antics in the bedroom, backseat of car etc, while Abe is pure Douche no matter how you slice it. Just clear your mind and imagine spotting him for the first time now what is the first ting that comes to mind? DB? Choad? pudwank? in my case all of the above. This should be a no brainer.
Ted: So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fox then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ‘em.”
Pablo Sinatra: Abe Foxman gets the win in my opinion, for digging up my dead dog and wearing him as a scarf. A little respect for the dead, douchebag!
smackdouche: ABE is the obvious choice. He doesn’t acknowledge that there are others in the picture, they are background to his masterpiece. Moreover, he only requires the presence of the mink.
Dex: He is wearing a dog. I don’t know if he fed the dog over-the-counter sedatives to keep it in limp-noodle form all night long, or if he actually took the time out to train his pooch to be his Saturday night accessory. The implications of both terrify me.
Crocodile Dun Douche: I can’t seem to get past the dead vermin draped around that musky euroderp. If its fake thats one thing, but if its real, I hope the rest of that poor arctic foxes family hunts down and gains vengence for this atrocity. Not so much that the fox was killed in the first place, but the act of desecrating the poor animals hide by slinging it around the greasy shoulders of someone whose word for the day calender probably reads ‘date rape’.
my friends call me @$$hole: i gotta’ give it to foxman and the prep cook… firstly, i’d like to extend a notta’ to the prep cook, he’s just a guy in a photo with some girl in some club and his annoying ass friend, he probably calls foxman a cockblock behind his back, but they were friends since the first grade or something… but foxman doesn’t need homies to back him up to take this weekly, he has a dead animal draped over his bare shoulders… if anyone from PETA reads this, do make sure and schedule him for a public dousing in fake blood and quickly…
But Lenny’s “Death B4 Dishonor” gay gladiator look, and Paulina’s confused Aryan beauty were too strong to overcome. Lets let Sergeant Scrote Stain take us home:
Lenny. Lenny. And Lenny. Captain Old Balls is the douche that refuses to give up douching. The other two clowns will eventually grow up to live depressing and unsatisfying lives. Their shame will be second only to the handicaps they suffer on account of their poor life decisions. And that’s just. But Lenny’s slipped through the cracks. He’s one of the few douches who’s been able to buy into every retarded fad yet slime into a comfortable living. His fifty year douchémé is legendary. Paulina appears comfortable enough with this wrinkly testicled asshat to touch his leathery shoulders. That fact alone has given me some disturbingly violent urges. If he even makes it to first base I’m going to stomp on my dog’s nads… And you know what? He’s a good dog.
Well said, S.S.S. and a great round of mock. A split vote simply means a higher caliber of hottie/douchey analytical debate, so kudos to all. And your humble narrator for a Pop Tart.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Lenny's Midlife Crisis and Paulina
A tough, tough vote, with Lenny barely overtaking Shower Long, and with the tatttastic Mopey nearly coming in a surprising third based on a strong write-in campaign (and perhaps earning a slot in next week’s Weekly). But Middle Aged Old Sag takes the Weekly. The voters speak:
Douche Dastardly: At first glance Lenny’s Gladiator photo could be quickly labeled as some simple Old Bag Costume party one time thing, but those ab tatts and flaming basketball quarter arm sleeve tell us this is not Lenny’s first time at the rodeo. Walnuts is right. Lenny is definitely an asshole, but first and foremost he is a douche. Lenny FTW
Musicman: Lenny and Paulina FTW….While I give major props to oldbags who want to keep seeing women…However, when you dress with nothing but a leather underwear, it’s goddamn scary. Making me look it him more makes me want to take two pencils, and shove them in my eyes. At least the pain from that is better than seeing Lenny dressed like that.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: “Death B4 Dishonor”, Lenny? How ’bout just “Death”? Maybe by being impaled by large rod-shaped object in an area of great discomfort? Eh, forget it, he’d love it. Even with the delicious East-German version of Ana Faris right there. Mmmmmm.
Vin Douchal: Gotta go with Lenny/Paulina FTW on the basis of he should know better but he doesn’t.
Jimmy: Being as the end is nigh, it takes a special breed of douche to really become memorable. So when mild mannered accountant Lenny decided to sell his soul at the crossroads for his ripped body, Lucifer himself created the horrible visage we see here.
Baleen: Lenny ftw. After looking at him, shit sputtered out my ass like paint balls exploding in the toilet in a series of toxic splats that forever will be encrusted on the porcelain.
Troy Tempest: Lenny wins because he’s old to know better. And his GSR caused me such gas I left a skidmark on the sofa.
Douchelips: Lenny’s and Paulina simply for the best showing by an oldbag in ages. I mean look at that outfit! The tatts, that hated 2010 bag signifier the groin shave reveal, and for looking like a trustworthy salesman, Lenny deserves the win (loss). Now if only Lynn wants to come over and have a sleep-over party with me, we can eat gummy bears and watch Friday the 13th while I gently rub her thigh…
Mahatma Gandouche: I was in a Starbucks this morning and heard a young girl scream out in horror… DAD? and then ran out the door in tears, leaving her laptop on the table I glanced over to see she had this picture of Lenny on her screen and felt sorry for her. I decided a vote for him would only prolong his 15 min of fame.
tall guy: I vote Lenny. The chance that he’s not already been of his complete and utter doucheness is, at best, remote, but I make an allowance for the strong probability that he’s been running with a pack of similarly hideous types and availed himself of strength in numbers.
Medusa Oblongata: I cast my vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis. Why? Because I have labored over too many humid, middle-aged crotches doing shit tattoos like that. I have had to have my mug too close to the junk of too many Viagra-addled creepsters like this, getting these stupid tattoos in a desperate effort to impress their new [potential] girlfriends.
Mr. Biggs: Midlife crisis. All the way, no question, no debate. For eye gouging display of douchebaggery, there is no parallel. His very tattoo is a contradiction because he should have killed himself long ago for such a disgraceful display.
Hong Kong Douchey: Lenny FTW. He needs to hit the bricks ’cause that aluminum siding ain’t gonna sell itself. Lenny needs to get out of the clubs so he can start saving for his 14 year-old daughter’s therapist bills. She and Mom moved back to Kansas after the divorce. C’mon, Lenny, I’m only 40 and know better than to try that look.
Doucheasorus Maximus: Lenny FTW. Did he lose a bet? WTF is he thinking??
Indeed he did lose a bet, D.M. It’s a long story involving greased chihuahuas and a spice trader named Vincent. Coming in a solid second, the ridiculousness of Showy Long and Lynn:
Bagnonymous: I vote Showie Long and Lynn–they’re too perfectly “textbook” douchebag & bleeth to pass up. It’s like they’d fit perfectly on the cover of DB1’s book [insert shameless plug here].
BMC: Showy Long and Lynn for the win. The hot is, well, hot and he certainly is not.
Victor von Douche: I’m going to have to go with Showie Long. The insidious tongue exposure, cocked hat, tat sleeve, Ed Hardy shorts, etc. are all classic douche, he clearly wants it the most.
Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt: Showie’s tongue looks like a professional football placekicker tagged him square in the nads with a full force kick, and with his last bit of life-energy, he let his escaped manhood dribble out of his mouth.
Douchey the Great: Showie and Lynn FTW. He’s pollution in the gene pool (and any other pool he jumps into), and Lynn is unadulterated Stage 4 Bleeth.
Cheesesock: oh Lynn, she of hot tummy suckle and eternal damnation.
Lynn’s bod certainly qualifies for something. Involving lotion and raisins. And in a solid third place, with support for being a Fox wearing pud, was Abe Foxman and Team:
Et Tu Douche?: They both bring the goods. Imho she is sneaky hott the kind that would stun you with her enthusiastic, all things go, playful antics in the bedroom, backseat of car etc, while Abe is pure Douche no matter how you slice it. Just clear your mind and imagine spotting him for the first time now what is the first ting that comes to mind? DB? Choad? pudwank? in my case all of the above. This should be a no brainer.
Ted: So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fox then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ‘em.”
Pablo Sinatra: Abe Foxman gets the win in my opinion, for digging up my dead dog and wearing him as a scarf. A little respect for the dead, douchebag!
smackdouche: ABE is the obvious choice. He doesn’t acknowledge that there are others in the picture, they are background to his masterpiece. Moreover, he only requires the presence of the mink.
Dex: He is wearing a dog. I don’t know if he fed the dog over-the-counter sedatives to keep it in limp-noodle form all night long, or if he actually took the time out to train his pooch to be his Saturday night accessory. The implications of both terrify me.
Crocodile Dun Douche: I can’t seem to get past the dead vermin draped around that musky euroderp. If its fake thats one thing, but if its real, I hope the rest of that poor arctic foxes family hunts down and gains vengence for this atrocity. Not so much that the fox was killed in the first place, but the act of desecrating the poor animals hide by slinging it around the greasy shoulders of someone whose word for the day calender probably reads ‘date rape’.
my friends call me @$$hole: i gotta’ give it to foxman and the prep cook… firstly, i’d like to extend a notta’ to the prep cook, he’s just a guy in a photo with some girl in some club and his annoying ass friend, he probably calls foxman a cockblock behind his back, but they were friends since the first grade or something… but foxman doesn’t need homies to back him up to take this weekly, he has a dead animal draped over his bare shoulders… if anyone from PETA reads this, do make sure and schedule him for a public dousing in fake blood and quickly…
But Lenny’s “Death B4 Dishonor” gay gladiator look, and Paulina’s confused Aryan beauty were too strong to overcome. Lets let Sergeant Scrote Stain take us home:
Lenny. Lenny. And Lenny. Captain Old Balls is the douche that refuses to give up douching. The other two clowns will eventually grow up to live depressing and unsatisfying lives. Their shame will be second only to the handicaps they suffer on account of their poor life decisions. And that’s just. But Lenny’s slipped through the cracks. He’s one of the few douches who’s been able to buy into every retarded fad yet slime into a comfortable living. His fifty year douchémé is legendary. Paulina appears comfortable enough with this wrinkly testicled asshat to touch his leathery shoulders. That fact alone has given me some disturbingly violent urges. If he even makes it to first base I’m going to stomp on my dog’s nads… And you know what? He’s a good dog.
Well said, S.S.S. and a great round of mock. A split vote simply means a higher caliber of hottie/douchey analytical debate, so kudos to all. And your humble narrator for a Pop Tart.
Monday, June 7, 2010HCwDB of the Week
With The Sharkbag and Renee our first Weekly winner of the next round, and with The Jizz Singer safely ensconced (hidden forever) in our Closet of Poo, our new round of finalists brings a wide variety of hottie/douchey select to the vote. No classic Jerz Guid here. Just poopie diaper.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina
Not since Old Bernie Schwartz used zipper jacket and tri-vag chin pubes to nearly win a Monthly has an Oldbag been this toxic. Lenny’s Groin Shave Reveal alone is enough to molt canines.
Interestingly, like Old Bernie Schwartz, Lenny’s Midlife Crisis involves a petite blonde suckle thigh, in this case, Paulina from Dusseldorf.
Paulina’s remote, humorless German father and manic depressive mother, Klaus and Uta, never gave her affection as a child.
As a result, she finds Lenny’s midlife need to tatt up and dress like a gladiator to be a punishment she deserves for being a bad girl.
Lenny just hopes his first wife and three kids don’t find out about his double life.
Detracting from Lenny’s chances is that, if you ignore the greased up crypto-gay gladiator lifestyle, he kinda looks like your 10th grade history teacher.
Another Oldbag with sag in the Weekly. But enough to win? Not if this coupling has anything to say about it.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off
There were a number of greasy clubwanks to be mocked from last week. But none brought a mink stole to the game.
For that innovation alone, along with McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, there was no stopping Abe Foxman and the Anti-Douchimation League from making it to the Weekly.
Like Paulina, Kathy is semi-confused European on holiday. I’m not sure the photo fully shows her off in the most flattering light, but I would bet most mamalians would gnaw on a frog leg if it meant a chance to sniff her swiffer during housekeeping chores in the convent back in Antwerp she joined after Foxman ruined her ability to love herself.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying.
There’s a fox on him.
‘Nuff said.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Showie Long and Lynn
From the Friday Haiku comes this skeezy Ed Hardy shorts wearing Lickbag and a tasty, if partially facially obscured hott marshmellow bod, Lynn.
But tapered sideburns, shaved chest and ridiculous tatted up arm sleeves are classic ‘Bag, and thus, Showie earns the Weekly.
As does Lynn, who doesn’t even need a face, proving I objectify slutty women.
I blame my environment.
But them’s your three.
It was tough but I eliminated some of the more skater-punkery of last week’s bags, including The Roadie Choadie, Mopey and the Blondians, and, toughest of all, Mitch: Gangsta of Connecticut. Also, honorable mention to Sinbag’s dancing boat hotts, who offer quite the peach gnaw.
Yeah, maybe I should go back and swap out Showie with Mitch, but it’s early. Maybe if there’s a write-in campaign, I’ll consider a revision. But for now, I need your vote. And I need some Honey Bunches of Oats for tasty morning sustenance.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, June 3, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The Sharkbag and Renee
A tough Weekly but the Shark was too much of a douchebag killing machine to let pass, and, as I said before, Renee is slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, with boobies. Plus, there’s Sharkbag and Trampy Hott. And, in a post-vote bid to influence the contest, The Sharkbag Revealed His Goose.
That’s alotta douche. The voters speak:
I R A Darth Aggie: I’m going to go with Sharkbag FTW. Mostly for his spikey hair, and overly-inked arms, but partially for the quality of HOTT in his lair.
Not to say that Starblazer and Yaz aren’t worthy competitors, they are. And I’d like to rescue Astra and Mocha from their douchey clutches. But they may be too far bleeth to be saved.
Douchble Helix: Whoever the engineers are that put together Renee’s mammary support garment need to get their asses down to the Gulf, pronto! They’re our only hope!
Douchelips: The Sharkbag and Reene FTW. The douchiest hair, some tasty boobs…what more could you want? Plus his run of other pics and poses edges out the Starblazer’s standard ‘bag gestures and poses.
Douce Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: Sharkbag and his buffet of hotts. His ladies are delectably pleasing for the fwopping and by the time the results are in, I will need him to clean out my toilet after my digestive track works through the various charred meats, massive amounts of alcoholic beverages and dignity of a few hotts I managed to consume over the three day weekend.
Douche Dastardly: I have to go with Shark on this one because of the late arrival of the Goose pic. WTF! Grey Goose fellatio is punishable by death in Singapore and rightfully so. Because sometimes a caning just isn’t enough sometimes. I think Shark is a mega douche on the rise the likes of which we may never see again. Keep an eye out I think this young man. His douche career is just beginning. As for Renee she is slutty boobalicious motorboating lacy goodness.Yum
soy bomb: I’m going with Sharkbag and Renee for the win though. Renee is in heavy rotation in the (rather extensive) roster of Hotties I Will Never Obtain Yet Can Still Find Some Kind of Twisted Solace in the Fact That I Can Beat Off to Thoughts of Them Anytime I Want (HIWNOYCSFSKoTSitFtICBOtToTAIW). Renee is NSFW. Each picture of her with Sharkbag is more devastating than the last.
Et Tu Douche: The Sharkbag and Renee FTW, His narcissism knows no bounds and for me that is a major signifier of douchiness. Renee slutty/hott is the type of girl when you first see her, an by her I mean those luscious naturals, the first thing your inner monologue udders (freudian slip) I meant utters is “I bet she shags like a minx” and I bet you she does. They represent the HCwDB ideology well.
Whoop-di-douche: Sharkbag and Renee for the weekly win, for who can pose such a visual grip of douchebag and hotchick? He’s sheer arsenic to the eyes, and her mammaries would look great in any old lace and a lot less.
ever present anonymous: Sharkbag for the loss and Renee and her quality boobage for the win.
Justin: Yup….it’s all about Renee. Sharkbag is begging to have his head cut off with that ridiculous ‘do, but Renee is really the fuel to kick this weekly win into gear. She is fantastic, pure sex on wheels. I would stumble drunkenly through Iquitos, Peru, just to find a toothpick she once used and dropped into the Amazon River hundreds of miles upstream in Brazil the summer before. I love you Renee… why won’t you pick up the phone?
Smackdouche: Sharkbag based solely on the sheer time and effort that it must take to pull off such a douchy look.
Deltus: His stupid tribal full-arm tatts, his full-on douche-hawk, and most importantly his undeserved and side-kick-directly-to-the-face-worthy sneer put him over the top, douchewise. Renee is everything that is lustworthy in my universe, and I would probably ejaculate in my pants if she so much as breathed on me, and she knows it. And I hate her and love her and want her for it.
curbyourendouchiasm: New to our list sharkbag brings: A chick who has defiled cat in the hat–she has Sam of green eggs and ham fame tattooed below her navel, right above her, well you know.
Jacques Doucheteau: Renee marries Cartesian dualism and post-socratic monism into one beautiful, lacy white theory of existence.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Sharkbag FTW. Seriously, that hair defies logic. Not only that, but the Hot Topic belt (on sale for 24.99) and Renee’s quality hott in opposition to his rampaging doucheosity make this a truly fwap/barf-worthy entry (respectively).
dbBen: Sharkbag. Because he tells people he can play guitar. And while it’s kind of true, he can really only play part of “Working Man”…but he skips the bridges and completely side-steps the solos….and his timing is totally messed up. Ok, really it’s just the slow part. But he can totally kill “More Human than Human”
Ed Hardouche: I gotta go with Sharkbag n Renee this week. Biggest ration of douche to hott, but upon closer inspection, the gauge ear expansion that sharktard is working, reminds me of guys i used to plug while I was in prison.
Wheezer: what clinches the Weekly for The Shark is that dorkal fin. Washing out the poo gel would leave him only the Shemp look, so he is dedicated to looking like chum. So smile, you son of a bitch…..and you’re gonna need a bigger boat to hold Renee’s lovely lace boobies.
Douchey Lewis and the News: The Sharkbag and Renee ftw. That guy is a huge putz. Like dad always said, “anything worth doing is worth doing horribly, horribly douchey”
Cheesesock: I have to go with the Sharkbag and Renee on this one. The Sharkbag is all that is dried-semen-hair-styling evil Stage 4 douche. The Mo’ pushes him into uberchoad territory, while Renee (who looks as if she is dangerously close to Bleethood) reminds us all of the price one pays when exposed to such rampant and high-potency doucheosity.
End the Haberdouchery: Shark and Renee get my vote. Renee could carry a weekly herself, along with her massive sweater stretchers. Combine that with The Shark, who sports sleeve tatts and a mohawk like it’s employable anywhere but a skate shop, and you’ve got a winner.
RAPETIME: The Sharkbag reminds me of the immortal quote from the philosopher Scroteres: “The unexamined life is not worth being allowed to live, especially when it does shit like that to its fuccen hair. Where’s my gun?”
Tony Ventresca: Sharkbag for the win, although you know he smooths that mohawk down for his office assistant job on Monday.
Excellent mock from the real A-Team, great work to all. It was a Sharkpocalypse. The giant ‘mo and annoying party sneer, matched by the quality of boozy hott Renee, was just too strong a hottie/douchey cohabit to overcome. Coming in a surprising second with solid support, The Unisex Yaz Dangler’s bar douche and hipster hott Mocha:
Crucial Head: They won’t win, but I’m voting for Yaz and Mocha. Mostly because Mocha is the hottest chick by a long shot. She pedals my wheelhouse. Those pouting puppy dog eyes; the unblemished complexion; supple, natural bosoms; and the raven’s hair untarnished by follicle-frying bleach… yup, she’s right up my alley. And I would like to rock her billy and park my hot throbbing rod up her alley.
Scottsdale Chad: Yaz. Normally, a fully erect, 48-inch ‘hawk is the equivalent of several ancillary douchessories, but like the Allies at Normandy, Yaz overwhelms his opponents with shear numbers. I count six carefully chosen and crafted identifiers from the neck up alone. And “Can You Hear Me Now” glasses will always be a tie-breaker in my book.
Sloppy Joe: Mocha has her blackberry tucked into her C-cups. I’d like to extend her service plan and give her more minutes.
Vin Douchal: She’s the gal your mother warned you about: innocent eyes, understated beauty, tatts/piercings that can be overlooked and a heartbreak to place you on the sofa in your robe for a week eating nothing but Swanson salsbury steak dinners and drinking Kroger generic brand Vodka when she kicks you to the curb for the next guy, most likely this douchebag pictured. GAH!
bigphatnotadouche: The piecing eyes of Mocha do it for me. The tats are first rate and excellant boobies. The hipster douche was even out tatted by Mocha.
Scroto Baggins: I vote Yaz, but only because Mocha is HoH material.
Mockiavelli: Mocha’s eyes haunt me more deeply than my career choices. She must return the nose piercing to the tackle box, and keep bartending at the Marriott until she saves enough money to laser off that ugly tatt. Only then can she meet Brad, the Regional Finance Manager from the Houston office, leaving her baggin’ days behind for PTA meetings and bake sales.
Mocha should be up for a 2010 Douchie in one of the Hott categories at the rate her curves are inspiring so many to wax poetic on the bar tatt tip. And in a surprising third place finish, the anime power of The Star Blazer and Astra:
doucheywallnuts: Starblazer and Astra FTW. If he can be considered a Smoot protege he must get the nod, plus he’s rockin’ all the de rigeur douchebag accessories, including a hott bleeth who is worthy of the highest level of suckle, fondle-edge.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: Very tough week. But I’ll have to go with Starblazer, even though the only cleavage featured in the pic is his own. Astra is lovely (even if uber-high maintenance). He’s a narcissistic assclown from hell. And he convinced Smoot to come out of retirement. For that he must pay.
Ol Dirty Douchebag: Astra is that unobtainable hott exchange student from Iceland who always gave you mixed signals. If mixed signals meant that one smile passing in the hallway equaled two thousand ‘ignoring your very existence’ stare-throughs.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: The Sharkbag will attract a lot of votes because he makes people want to beat him with a dead cat, but the Starblazer and Astra are extra special. Starblazer apparently had the foresight to have “Pestilence” tatted on his belly, and Astra sets my Norwegian blood to boiling. And Starblazer’s little swallows look like flying rats… he throws that in for free.
mr.reeve: Starblazer the Peter Gazer FTW. This pic reminds me of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” mixed with douche and hot. I bet it smells like stripper candy spray and Axe in that room.
The Blessed Scrotini: Starblazer gets my vote. Resistance? Resistance to what? Appearing to not be a complete douchewank? Not wearing Axe whenever possible? Adding another star on teacher’s board? When you find out what lemme know…
I’m shocked the Blazers’ douchey tatt reveal and the hottness of Astra didn’t finish higher. But perhaps their generic douchey/hottie traits cost them on style points. As this week is pure Jawsian Sharkhead. Lets let Baron Von Goolo take us home:
The Sharkbag and Renee ftw. For the record, I have no animosity towards Sharkbag. There is something about this remarkably angular lad that makes me think he’s the genuine article. He’s not pumping or preening or inking to be a part of a movement. It’s all him. Hence the actual commitment to an attention-getting coiffure as opposed to a fauxhawk or some other crispy relic of half-baked armchair douchery. Hence the Burgess Meredith’s Penguin meets George Peppard’s Hannibal toothy chomp on a cigarillo. In a holder. Hence my desire to see this spectacular man-cockatiel enshrined in the Hall of Scrote not because I hate him, but because I want a link to him handy at all times so that a good giggle is only a click away. Douchey? Oh sure, I suppose. But his spectacle wins. Plus, Renee is so smoking I want to hang hams over her bed.
Indeed and good work BvG. The ‘bag hunters and huntresses in the thread brought their quality mock, and the Shark is a worthy douche-winner, and Renee is boob. Chalk them up as the first entrant in our next HCwDB of the Month, as your humble narrator prepares to leave his beloved NYC and fly back to the city of Angels later today.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Just a triumphant few weeks of hottie/douchey pics, almost impossible to cull down to a final three. And by triumphant, I mean culture shredding grease poo. Here’s your first group of finalists to win a spot in the next HCwDB of the Month:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Sharkbag and Renee
What more can be said about cheesy mo’ club promoters coopting the signifiers of late 70s punk to get a better nightly booking fee to spin Rihanna songs for suburban greaseballs paying 30 bucks to buy overpriced Grey Goose and lose their hearing in the off-chance they might get boob grope on the dance floor?
Yup.
That last paragraph pretty much said it all.
Renee is slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, and here, and while the Sharkbag moves on to a trampy “Cat in the Hott” here, it was Renee whose low hanging fruits asked me to pluck them like tangelo squeeze.
But is the Sharkbag’s mo’ and mail slot sneer toxic enough in service of polluting Renee to win HCwDB of the Week?
That brings us to candidates #2.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starblazer and Astra
Like import Japanese anime, the ‘Blazer began pulling one of the most toxic double moves we’ve seen on the site in months.
Ab/tatt douche reveal while kissing a hott brings in every element of narcissism and need to be seen that defines the modern proto-bag.
He is the Haltrex 9000.
Greasing up Astra in a run of pics, here and here.
But what’s this?? Bringing 2009 HCwDB of the Year winner Smoot to the game? Yikes. That’s like hiring Van Halen to play your high school prom.
But wait!! Who’s this coming to the ring?… Could it be… a dark horse in the running?…
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Unisex Yaz Dangler and Mocha
Could it be?? Could a reader mail submission of a boozy bar hott with beautiful eyes and perfect suckle mamms getting mugged on by a punk-ass face-clown like Yaz, really challenge for the Weekly in a week with The Shark and the ‘Blazer?
That remains to be seen.
But Yaz is all sorts of aging hipsterbag douche, and Mocha, while tatted up, still has the innocence and servitude of a mid 18th Century industrial revolution Northern England bar wench with a cockney accent and a propensity to put out if you buy her a Bass.
But enough to take the Weekly?
Just missing the cut was the potent and perhaps overlooked due to being posted in a mention of my appearance on the Adam Carolla Podcast, Zombie Kevin. Hmm. Those are some tasty lasses. I may need to give Zombie Kevin an exemption to compete in the next weekly, since this’ll be a short week. Also, lets welcome Dr. Redderick Lobster and Europeans, Teenagers and Shoe Polish to the Closet of Poo, where they will be locked up forever.
So them’s your three couplings. Which provides the right elements to make the alchemy of perfect HC and DB cohabit?
Sharkbag and Renee? The ‘Blazer and Astra? Or the Yaz Dangler and Mocha?
Which deserves to be HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And if you haven’t registered a profile name yet, join HCwDB here.
Vote now, so I can justify waking my hungover ass up.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Night Oranger and Chrissy
Monday’s contest was a very even vote, with all three of our finalists receiving the support of hottie/douchey mock. But the absurd camel toe of Night Oranger’s package and Sister Chrissie’s sweet smile and lovely gnaw shoulders were too toxic to overcome, just barely beating out Yo Jimbo and the Kuyuko Girls. The voters speak:
Amerigo Vesdouchey: One word – male camel toe. (okay, three words)
scrotum pole: The Night Oranger’s greasy, pube-like ringlets sicken me almost as bad as his camel-toe and stubbly groin-shave.
Conversely, Chrissie conjures up an image of Mary Ellen Walton in a Depends under garment. Which, I suppose is appropriate and somehow strangely erotic.
Jimmy: Going to have to go with the Night Oranger and Sister Chrissie. This greased jerkoff looks like Jimmy Superfly Snuka mated with an Oompa Loompa. The DG belt really brings the whole outfit together and brands him douche worthy for the weekly. Chrissie on the other hand is a very natural looking beauty, just the type I like. I don’t get so enraged when the hott in question is a Bleethe, but this comely lass appears to have no traces of the virus.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: Night Oranger and Chrissie get my vote. Seeing Male Moose Knuckle and GSR brings upon me the same reaction as to when the people of South Park read “The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs”. Uncontrollable, violent vomiting.
Vinny Scumbaglia: Night Oranger and Chrissie get my vote, for poor lighting, excruciating color design, most hot-points-deducting outfit on a hott, and,. of course, best douche cameltoe.
DarkSock: Night Oranger looks like a 2nd rate European gay porn actor who decided he’d pattern himself as Kenny G-Spot, blower of various skin flutes and meat whistles and Dong oboes.
Scroberto Baggio: Night Oranger. The one-man Milli Vanilli of our generation.
Chad Kroeger: As a newly ordained minister in the Universal Life Church I must spew my drunken wrath at Night Oranger for taking Sister Christian away from her candy striper duties at Our Lady of Fatima Medical Center and Gentlemen’s Club..
Mr. Biggs: only Night Oranger has the seriousness and dedication to be a true douchebag. He looks like he came up with the look while coked up and talking to the Costa Rican bouncer at a VIP lounge.
The Blessed Scrotini: I’m voting Night Oranger. When you have to pop the douche strategy from 25 years ago (Jheri Curl, tight pants, headband) just to score the hott, you don’t just know douche — you ARE douche.
Maxim Kovalenko: Night Oranger. Male Camel Toe and GSR ruin my day, and my lunch.
Jacques Doucheteau: Night Oranger. His hair is so greasy that BP has a $40 million 5-phase response plan and Riser Insertion Tube Tool prepared for the next time he goes swimming in the gulf. That, and moose knuckle. Crissie makes me question my aversion to girls from Tuscaloosa trailer parks who hide their navel.
Hong Kong Douchey: Night Oranger FTW. He reminds me of the Rico Suave guy. That’s all I’m going to say about that, ’cause I’m definitely not going down THAT road.
Indeed, HKD, the Suave is powerful in that one. A worthy victor (loser) and well parsed like a camel toe. Coming in just barely in second place, the manga-bag of Yo Jimbo and the Kuyuko Girls:
Count Douche-a-La: Casa La Douche cast it’s vote for Yo Jimbo and the Kuyuko Girls. Axl Rose gave up that look in 1990. We are pleased to see that someone picked it up out of the dumpster and gave it a new home. And by pleased we mean horrified!
Snoop Douchey Bagg: Since I someday want to be reincarnated as a cute Asian girl, I must vote for Yo Jimbo in the hopes that his type will be eradicated by the time my reincarnation occurs.
Dex: It’s not that Jimbo is anything new, because he isn’t. And it’s not that the Kuyuko girls are super-hot, because they aren’t. This image is simply a paragon of everything that is annoying. You can smell their stink, poorly masked by Axe body spray and Japanese perfumes, illegal in most countries due to anti-whaling laws. You can hear his ridiculous Jerz accent, and the glass-cutting squeal of the Kuyoko girl’s chitter-chatter.
Ultra Bagnus: Yo Jimbo simply dominates the taint-fest this week. So much so that it frightens one poor lo mein hot, and gleefully amuses another. Yo Jimbo knows how to douche it out! I think he may have combined every possible known douche accessory into one catastrophic collection of scrote.
Et tu Douche?: I select Yo Jimbo and the Kuyuko Girls. Asian Hott has always intrigued me and there seems to be something naughty going on in both of their eyes. Yo Jimbo has all the adoucherements with his mandana, cock ring second belt, ab reveal, groin shave reveal, fingerless gloves, sleeveless denim etc. He is everything douche and thus deserves the win.
Well sushi’d, team, and good luck with your reincarnation plan, Snoop D.B. Yo Jimbo’s east-scrotes-west shamefulness almost pulled out the win. And with solid support in third place, the subtle toxicity of Nicole and her Cabbage Face:
teh_abominable_snowdouche: my vote goes to Nicole and Cabbage Face. All the candidouches are scrote taint sap. And to me, Nicole looks the hottest. I just get the feeling that there’s something there we’re not seeing. You know? Like a perfectly curved teet or something. Anyhow, Cabbage Face FTL.
Doucheperado: Cabbage-face. Obviously. The white tuxedo jacket, the D-neck shirt, the faux-hawk and that facial expression that’s just begging for an overhand right. And, oh yeah, he’s the only ‘bag this week with a bona fide Hot Chick.
Baleen: Now Cabbage Face. Here’s an fine expample of sheer stupidity. A modern bagling who was raised on X-Box, Taco Bell, summer detention, and cheap inhalents. The Hott is heroin chic and he’s the black tar under the rim of my toilet bowl.
Mr. White: Nicole is sweet innocence. I want to fire a shotgun round point-blank into CP’s chest and tell her to “come with me if you want to boink.” Then we’d run off and make pipe bombs in a rural motel, punctuated by bouts of tender love-making.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Gotta be Cabbage Face. The sunglasses and Chest Shave Reveal are enough to make me want to punch a puppy in it’s newly formed gential region. Little violent? Maybe. It’s been a weird couple days, and Cabbage looks like a cast member of Miami Vice: The Musical!
Good call on the musical, PID, and I’m pleased to see the Cabbage Face receive some support given Nicole’s quality hottness. But this was Night Oranger’s time to blight. Lets let Lord Grace Doo Doo of Squatingham take us home:
Night Oranger all the way, not because he looks like one of the guys who used to carry around a ghetto blaster on his shoulder at my local park in the 70’s… not because he looks like the “Head Spin” stand in for Shabba Doo Quinones during the filming of “Breakin’” and certainly not because he made a forturne selling his natural shiny, greasy auqua velva smelling excretions to Johnson Products as the secret ingredient in Afro Sheen but simply because of the stark contrast of the Hott to this Twaut
Excellent work everyone, well mocked, parsed and categorized. Night Orange and Chrissie get the last slot in our upcoming HCwDB of the Month on Monday, and the DB1 off for a New York bagel. With a smear.
