HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, May 23, 2011
HCwDB of the Week
Well, another week rolls by and still no word from DoucheBag1…looks like I got the gig for another week (maybe longer, if Big Al Pacas got to him…).
Let us take a moment to reflect what sent him on this quest for spiritual cleansing. Looking at the evidence found in his apartment, it would be easy to simply label this as just another sugar and fortified-wine-fueled alpaca fingering binge resulting in a desperate flight from justice and past due invoices. Because who among us has not molested livestock?
But no, no…something tells me it’s more than just that. I revisited one of the last emails DB1 left us: “I feel myself being called away…penance for sins against my meditative and monastic hottie/douchey journey. I have sinned. For I have coveted the Bleeth.“
Well, hell…I reckon we need to be chartering a group flight to the Andes mountains. And they better switch out the little airplane bottles of booze with pints.
Enough introspection; it’s time to pull our chins up, tape our dongs flat, and sashay out onto that runway, because the show must go on. Note to self: shave next time before taping.
Here are your contenders:
HCwDB of the Week #1: Country Molestern and his Reversed Cowgirls
Long Time comments thread regular Mr. White showered his golden derision on this grinning woodchuck; yet he leers on. Which begs the question: how much pud would this woodchuck tuck if this pud-tuck could suck wood? And lawd ha’ mercy, look at those country fresh girls…why does HE get to butter THEIR biscuits? If you are enraged by this corn pone-ography then scrote the vote.
HCwDB of the Week #2: Toolio Twice and Siam Suki
Another HCwDB comments thread lifer, Creature, puts the cheese grater o’ justice to the glistening forehead of club foolio, Toolio. What is the backstory here? Fivehead convention? Class Action Lawsuit Seminar for Victims of Aggressive Forcep Administration at Birth? Elephant-Kegeling Victims?
It is not for us to know; we must judge with the evidence at hand. Which would be Suki’s Siamese Twins.
HCwDB of the Week #3: U.S. Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team and Grecian Greta
Perhaps this phenomenon can be explained by science: perhaps we are witnessing Newton’s law of universal gravitation, which as you all know, states that every point mass in the universe attracts every other mass.
Separately it was shown that large spherically symmetrical masses attract other objects to concentration points at their very centers.
These choad’s empty pie cases are collectively bearing out this law of physics, being pulled inexorably to the large spherical symmetrical masses (with points on them) that are Greta’s nigh-perfect golden globes. Yes, they are being sucked into this gravitational well of silky delight. As are my eyeballs. And yours. Admit it.
Yes…perhaps this is what is going on here.
Nah, they’re just a bunch of room-temp-IQ Roxbury chicken-necking peacocks.
HCwDB of the Week #4: Larry the Lavender Love Lizard vs. The Doublemint Chins
Larry the Lavender Love Lizard (or L4, as I think of him) hopes to pull out a come-from-behind victory.
But Jan and Jenny Chin-Chin are prepared to take it on the jaw.
Will this dark horse trio pull off a surprise victory?
Does L4 have purple dander?
Will the girl’s Uncle Robert roll up and beat Larry into pieces too small for the pool drain strainer to catch?
That, my friends, is up to you.
Go forth, my friends, and vote as ever in the comments threads. Alternate Universe votes count too for you serial picture-clickers.
EDIT: Also, some shop-keeping: If you are a reg sitting on a pic, your deadline is Wednesday to slip me some wool or let someone else have a crack at the tool whose fate you currently hold in your inbox. Or else I’ll be force to fill the latter part of the week’s posts with nothing but Ass Pear.
Somehow, I think the Ass Pear filler threat may be counterproductive…
Tuesday, May 17, 2011Douchebag of the Week: Chimpy McWhack
Chimpy McWhack celebrates a far (poo) flung celebration as he runs away with the Big Banana.
Ultra Bagnus writes: “Chimpy runs away with it this week…. hopefully, right into a wood chipper.“
Troy Temptest testifies: “It all goes to Chimpy. His hott looks like she’s thinking “When I stand up I’m going to walk in front of a bus because I can’t stand the shame or smell of this twat-waffle.” And Chimpy? He’s there with the flingin’ blingin’ smirky douchetude. What an asshole. Chimpy FTW.“
A semi-lucid Reverend Chad opines: “My vote must go to the horrid Kevin, hot Kelli and Sauder Woodworking because they are all hard to put together. Suck it Sauder and your left handed cams.“ To which I would add: “Son”.
Hermit adds his valiant-yet-futile vote for B.S.K: “Ball state Kevin is a study in paradox. He’s just a little slow, but not afraid show affection. Has had persistent acne since thirteen, but always cleans his room after an epileptic episode. He graduated at the top of his special ed class, yet has difficulty with seemingly simple concepts. Voted employee of the month at Arby’s® two consecutive months and was able to balance a pet iguana and strep throat without losing his focus on the important things in life like family, friends and community.”
Vin Douchal adds: “Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly FTW because this behavior all seems so normal if you’ve never gone further than the local Win-Dixie and your idea of fun is wrestling pigs in a mudhole. Soooo-wee !”
Jimmy Pud spanks in a very close third.
Scooby Douche writes: “The biggest douche here is Jimmy Pud, what with the tats, the silly hair and the monster watch. Adding weight to my vote is that Mandy is the only Hott in this Weekly not currently on anti-STD medications.“
Dropping, bird-poo-like, into a distant fourth is, erm, Bird Poo.
Douchable Helix writes: “I wasn’t really paying much attention, but I vote for the brunette with the boobies and the long hair for whatever it is we’re doing.“ So that’s a vote for Bird Poo. I think.
Creature says: “Two big swaying fleshy reasons for me to cast my vote for bird poo…“. I personally could not see his balls that clearly, but more power to ya, Creatch.
Also casting the futile opposition vote is just-escaped-from-a-stint-in-Doc’s-basement Crucial Aloysius Head, who once plied with irresponsible doses of Maker’s Mark Kentucky Mouthwash© and Ambien™, reveals: “I would seal a feral buffalo’s asshole airtight with a Simpson Rustic Series® OT strap and eat its backlogged feces as it swirls forth from its recently vacated eye sockets just for the privilege of dying of consumption and being reborn as the molten metal that was forged to make the optical image stabilizer housing the 4x zoom lens on the Canon Powershot©©™ currently focused on Sweaty Sally’s money-maker…So, that would be a vote for Bird Poo as well, I reckon.” Way to break into RevChad’s stash, my friend. Son.
Go ape shit, Chimpy McWhack. Fire up that green banana and enjoy. But don’t let it go to your pointy head. There are other gorillas in the mist this month.
Sir David Douchenborough takes us home on this Simian Victory Lap with the following White Paper:
“When Jane Gooddall returned to continue her revolutionary work in exploring the evolutionary relationships of apes, nothing was heard from her for awhile. However, upon her return, she was frazzled, mortified, and worst yet, completely flummoxed to the point of self-resignation. Her colleagues, desperate in trying to decipher what tragedy befell her during her last expedition, queried, yet in solemn reply, she said, “In all my life and my work, I was bridging the gap between humankind and the Hominidae, yet upon seeing one, squatting near a female human and adorned in garish attire, I simply could not look away. His contorted face as if though he suffered a chromosome deletion shook me to my core as it put into question all that I have known and studied. I ask myself frighteningly the human consequences of being evolutionary related to something like this, and my conclusion was ominous. I cannot go on. I simply cannot go on.”
Then he worked Nickelback into it all somehow. Go back and read it. Dude’s a genious. And shit. And I just mispelled “genious”. Twice. And also “mispelled”.
DAMMIT.
Monday, May 16, 2011The Boss is Lost, Al’s Pacas, and oh, yeah…the D’bag o’ the week!
DarkSock here. In case you didn’t tune in Sunday (from fear of Frolic Exposure) you may have missed the notice about DB1’s sudden departure upon a journey of spiritual awakening; a walkabout to gain enlightenment and penance amongst the feral unshorn alpaca herds grazing in the mist of the Andes mountain ranges.
Walkabout and penance my ass.
So I’m trolling through the Boss’s filthy apartment, pawing amongst the strewn Ho-Ho wrappers and kicked-over half-emptied bottles of Trader Joe’s Blood Orange soda (which faintly smell of rubbing alcohol…) looking for pictures and passwords so I can keep the fight going on this site.
Among the yet-to-be posted pictures I also find death threats from Doc, a monogrammed pair of men’s briefs emblazoned with “Plinky”, the skeletal remains of a Jack Russel Terrier, a subpoena from the Llama/Alpaca Vice Squad Task Force of the Florida Fish and Wild Life Commission, and most disturbingly: a past-due final notice from Big Al Pacas (pictured here), proprietor of the North American chapter of M.A.I.L. (Man-Alpaca Integration League). This “notice” is hand-written on college-rule notebook paper in jagged angry font rendered from a fury-blunted Sharpie marker, and it states that either DB1 coughs up the $5,200 owed in alpaca feed and llama lubricant or Big Al Paca will be forced to send his cousin Thick Vinnie “Shit” Paca over to adjust some external genitalia with his pet snapping turtle. And yes, that is a euphemism.
But my irresponsible conjecture matters not, only DB1’s parting words: “For the ‘bag mock and hottie lust must continue, unabated, in my absence.“
Fear not, our soon-to-be-gelded leader. Those Hotts will not go unabated; they will be bated until our elbow bursitis returns yet again. GodSpeed, DB1; may you gain enlightenment while avoiding getting sticky alpaca poo on your new hemp sandals.
To that end: let us select the Hottie/Douchebag coupling of the preceding week. Yeah, for a limited time we’re going back to the Weekly Vote; because I cannot shoulder such an awesome burden of selection alone. But I can count votes whilst suckling a bottle of Beam like it was the fiery red teat of the First Mother Alpaca.
Here’s yer choices:
HCwDB of the Week #1: Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly.
Ball State Kevin attracts Sex Kitten and Party Girl Kelly’s woo-hottiness into his Sauder-Woodworks-appointed dorm of inequity to do laws only knows what…perhaps change his ball state from blue to empty? We must not imagine ourselves into a ball state of despair. But it ain’t easy.
HCwDB of the Week #2: Bird Poo and Sweaty Sally, as witnessed by Natural Nina.
I would give many things in order to wipe that moon-pie smirk off of Bird Poo’s mug. But Sweaty Sally’s soaked beach towel would not be one of them. I would fight off a sickened grizzly using only it’s own loose scat and a VW fender if that’s what it took to carry her soiled beach blanket around like a perpetually engorged Linus. While Nina watched.
HCwDB of the Week #3: Chimpy McWhack and Kneeling Kelly
Why, Kelly, are you in proximity to this Ben-Stiller-Simian-Simulcrum? I hope against all hope that this coupling is due to a mix-up involving Ambien, a full bladder and his uncanny resemblance to a bidet.
HCwDB of the Week #4: Jimmy Pud and Mandy.
Jimmie Pud clearly got a Freudian idea whilst using a flat head screwdriver during shop class as he worked towards his doctorate at the Tallahassee Community College Campus. But lovely Mandy prefers Philip-Heads.
This is your Rogue’s Gallery for this week. Vote, as always, in the comments threads, where I shall skim them, pretend to count, and pick my fave anyway.
HCwDB of the Week: Buzzy Fails to Appreciate Marissa’s Taut Sundials
While the past week featured everything from Boatwanks to Choad Runners, Axholes and Vegas crotch fondle, Prince Meatwad and Loafie’s Choice, little compared to Buzzy and Marissa.
No, not even the breaking news that Donkey Douche is back in jail.
And while some may argue that Marissa is a former reality T.V. star of some form, reality does not intrude on the HCwDB simulacrum very often.
And so we consider this unholy commingling on the true merits of purity of suckle thigh and douchery of stupid head. And we annoint it the HCwDB of the Week.
An honor well deserved.
But not as well deserved as my latest culinary discovery: Rice crispies and chocolate milk are as tasty as this mass-marketed treat
HCwDB of the Week: Dead Bin Laden and Evil Bert
Today’s Weekly is held in honor of celebrating the long overdue death of that unholy crapwit.
No, not Evil Burt. The other guy.
As a former New Yorker who was living in the east vil on 9/11, witness to the events of that day, I can only postpone this humble blog’s frivolity for a moment to say, Amen.
And while you may think Evil Burt does not qualify as a hot chick, for the purposes of today’s post, he does.
Okay, here’s some more Gal Gadot.
Monday, April 25, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn
There were Bropecs and Scarf Fail. Strapperface and Ziggy the Sneery Mug Guy. There was even Granpa Chin.
But none of the past two weeks of Hottie/Douchey cohabit quite made me spit on a nun and bitch slap a penguin quite like Pukey Bowie, he of the rocker douche genus, and Hott Jenn’s giggley giggles.
Not even the closest runners up (and likely 2011 Douche Award nominee in something), the rank Captain Lubing and perfect Tracey Gnaw.
With a two week backlog to go through, as last week was the Monthly, it came down to which douche was most punchworthy in presence of tasty hott.
And Pukey Bowie, with his rockerbag assrankery, his everything that pisses you off in the post college years, combining with tasty curvy Hott Jenn, was just too much piddle out the rear of a poodle.
So while it’s an early Monday morn, and your humble narrator is stumbling around his living room trying to remember how to make coffee, even with a sweet new Keurig machine, this is an award well deserved.
Mark the Puker Bowie and Hott Jenn as the first and well deserved entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month.
And the DB1 for Cocoa Puffs.
Monday, April 11, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Tardopoulous Brothers and Stephanie McGee
Another tough week to pick a winning (losing) couple. We had Sportsbaggery and Hipsterbaggery. An Afflicted Gnome and an Otterhead. A Happy Rocker and Toxic Groin Shave Reveal.
And, for the hott side of the boobie hottie suckle thigh, the Crazy Eyes craziness of The Carla Cousins.
But no cohabit more perfectly encapsulates mock worthy tardation and curvy bouncy suckle thigh than the Tardopoulous Brothers and local Ace Hardware Beauty Contest winner, Stephanie McGee.
Our last entrant before next week’s HCwDB of the Month, The Tardopoulous Brothers are a fine example of Wonder Twin cloning douchery replication technology in action.
Stephanie McGee has an annoying voice but her bouncy waist sways are hypnotic hipnotics.
Together, they make a fine entrant in the Monthly and a reason for our Crusade to continue, unabated.
And so we mock onward. And your early morning humble narrator shifts his groinal area to prevent sweat and chafing, and heads for the kitchen for a bowl of Pops.
Monday, April 4, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Mister Zebracrotch and Granddaughter Karnie
Last week was a maelstrom of douchelickery, perfect mammtasteries, creepy Miami beachery, pitch perfect dress-up douchebaggery, and even some classic Jerz.
We had visits from former Weekly Winning trainwrecks The Greasepitz and Night Oranger, and even mocked us a Sports Junkie from the metro-D.C. area.
But, in the end, Zebra crotch display on orange oldsaggery and lithe chewtoy barely legal hottie hott takes the win (loss). For while Oldbaggery often finds its champions, and while I came thisclose to giving it to Wimpy the Cinch Sack and Genevieve, I just couldn’t ignore this toxic example of crudboatwankery and perky hott combo.
For, the thing is, Zebracrotch cannot be excused as dress up or ironobaggery. Zebracrotch is genuinely orange, saggy, stupid puka shelled, and posing like a ninny.
Together with Tasty Karnie, who’s majoring in dead languages and likes old movies with Bogie and Bacall, hers is a giggle wasted on old trash pudwackery.
And that, fellow hunters and huntresses, is what we are here to mock, even as it congeals into hardened arteries and saggy creepy awkwardness at the school P.T.A. meetings.
And by congeals, I mean bacterially spreads like a pre-John Maddened foot fung.
Chalk up Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie for our third slot in the next Monthly, and the DB1 for coffee and a tasty Hostess pie.
Thursday, March 31, 2011The Greasepitz Pump Each Other Up (Via Stacy)
Woke up.
Fell out of bed.
Dragged a comb across my hea-… GAH!!!
Still out there.
Still pretending to be interested in tasty bottle blonde giggle gnaws like Stacy.
Still smelling like shoeleather and displaying toxic Groin Shave Reveal.
Too much too early. I blame last night’s tasty microwave Trader Joes burritos for this pic. And my poo.
Monday, March 28, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter
While last week saw a number of potential Weekly Winning hottie/douchey cohabit, and while Marnie isn’t our traditional hott munch, the combo of Orange Dieter and sweet girl-next-door innocent was all this site was set up to combat.
And while it was a busy and productive week of mock in which we met the European Jan Lärggmän, and also enjoyed some quality Golden Globes, I probably should’ve given the award to Androgyne Satan and Hott.
But I just can’t get around Dieter’s smug punchworthy Orangeness and Marnie’s midwestern innocence.
So chalk up the Weekly to the creepy pairing of utter and infathomable wrongness.
And your humble narrator stumbles into the kitchen over the ferret breeding cage to enjoy a tasty bowl of Count Chocula. Fortified with 9 essential vitamins and minerals. So it’s good for me.
