HCwDB
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Arm Rot
I’m pretty sure there was an old Twilight Zone episode about this.
A pumped up Vegas Guid (played by Jack Klugman) gets covered with a strange alien fungus only to discover he is, in fact, the real alien fungus, and the alien fungus is really earth.
Or am I mixing up classic TV and douche-face in my memory again?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009Reader Mail: One Douchebaguette For The Road
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DB1,
i get that the site is about the innocent hots getting mugged by the douches, but female douches (“douchebaguettes”) just crack me the hell up.
can you give me one really hot but superdouchey hot girl with a douchey guy for the road?
– Mayberry Mike
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Done and done.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009Kettlehead Collar Pops in Protest
Kettlehead is outraged, OUTRAGED, that he did not win the HCwDB of the Month.
He is popping his collar for the next fifteen minutes in protest.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009HCwDB of the Month: Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel
Our twelfth and final doucheciples has been selected for the 2009 HCwDB of the Year. He is turd and she is blump-belly goodness.
And don’t forget Wretch Pic #2.
The voters speak:
Jacques Doucheteau: Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. If each square inch of tattoo added to his apparent IQ, he’d still be about as intelligent as a bowl of three-week-old tapioca pudding. He has tatts where his hair should be.
Captain Bringdown: Anyone who invested that much time and money to look so stupid deserves something. Maybe a baseball bat to the head, but I’m sure internet scorn and ridicule will suffice.
One for the Choad: He doesn’t have a chance in the Annuals, but Wretch-a-Sketch definitely gets my vote here. His parents have to just be sickened by his appearance. Plus, that is the tastiest looking zebra I’ve ever seen.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: Wretch-a-sketch spends his entire meager 7-11 paycheck at the tattoo shop, leaving Jezebel to support his pathetic, douchey ass.
Dr. Bunson Honeydouche: I would gleefully tap dance on WaS’s face with golf shoes like Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in The Rain”. He reminds me of a NASCAR racing car that I hope meets a wall at about 155 mph. Parts flying everywhere, rolling over again and again until there’s nothing left. Was FTW! That’s right muthafukas I made a Gene Kelly reference.
Wheezer: I just want to stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry. And then steal Jezebel away for some de-bleething. Well, I want to do this with all the choads and their respective hotts, but Wretch is the putz with the least amount of reason (and “guns”) to be acting like a badass. The other choads at least finished puberty.
Medusa Oblongata: Wretch-A-Sketch, however, is pissing me off with the gangsta wanna-be nonsense. I like my stereotypes clearly defined. Big black gangstas making gang signs? Ok, I got it. Skinny white boys doing it? Douchey. Compton hardass with hat tilt? It fits. The guy who got shoved into lockers in highschool doing it? Puh-leeze.
Anonymous: Wretch FTW… his hott is magnificent. He makes me yearn for slap-bet
Wedgie: Wretch FTW. His hottie is hot and he is a large douchebag, albeit of the unusual circus freak variety.
David: Wretch and he gets my vote for the yearly too, there is just something inside me that screams run this clown down with your truck.
Cheesesock: Wretch-a-sketch has got this sewn up! Ridiculous over-tattitude, tan suckle thigh hott and sideways peace sign. This picture embodies everything wrong with our modern culture. F*ck my life.
Second and third place were a tie between Robopud and the sad, always a bridesmaid Kettlehead. Yet K-Head has his voters who appreciate scrotological consistency:
pv1: Kettlehead has been the most underrated ‘bag of the year. His body of work has been outstanding. I vote for him.
Mitch Cumstein: I fear that no torture even Dick Cheney himself could dream up would drive the full on douche expression/eyebrow lift from this Super Douche’s face. Perhaps a one man off-broadway reenactment of Bob Sagat’s version of “The Aristocrat”? Still nothing? The expression remains. The douchstrocity remains. The hate remains. Kettlehead, I fear, is indouchstructable. This ‘Bag Hunter is forced to retreat to his bunker to diligently prepare for the 2009 Douchies. To wait. And to vote.
Mike: Yanno, folks. We have some goofball putzbag douches here, but Kettlehead’s the guy that drives off with your girlfriend in his goddamned souped up f*cking Camry with the glasspacks and the spoiler.
… Und my name is Haaaansel: I still don’t understand how Kettlehead has been so soundly rejected. He has a stable of Hotts and multiple pictures to prove it. Further, like E-Blo (who no one doubts is a strong yearly contender), he makes the Exact. Same. Face. in every goddamn picture. The identical eyebrow placement is even more infuriating. Further, he may not be as ridiculous as the Wretch or Red Tony, he is *consistently* nauseating.
Vinny Scumbaglia: like the cut of Kettlehead’s jib. And, whatever a jib is, one can only hope one really sharp one snaps off near him real soon, and impales him right between the one raised eyebrow and the other unraised eyebrow.
Well said team, but Robopud and the Kimmy Hotties also found mock for Groin Shave Reveal:
Tadao: I’m gonna have to go with Robopud this month for the simple fact that I can’t stand the sight of him. Not that the other finalists aren’t certified douches, but let’s go down the line: Wretch is just a loser; Kettlehead seems kind of harmless despite his sunglasses at night and ‘tude eyebrow raise; Red Tony is inexplicably shirtless, but he’s just big and red (and looks a lot like Slider from Top Gun) – if he was orange that’d be another story. Robopud’s got the kind of face that screams, “Punch Me!”. And his hotts are pretty choice. Robo FTW.
Saving Private Guido: Robopud by a chin pube over Wretch-a-Sketch. Puddy represents all things upper-level Vegas weekend warrior scrote. He is the afterbirth of Miami nightlife. With spiked hair and doucheface with cocktail in hand, Robopud has come for your soul… and by soul, I mean the Kimmys. Because they are the essence of wet dreams – and Kimmy #1’s phatbottom/thigh combo hypnotizes my netheregions.
Vin Douchal: Robopud had but one photo to work with to raise the bile. He gets it done with everything from the shirt tuck ( which will smell like sweaty balls and Tinactin when he puts it back on to enter the casino at the Hard Rock) to the bookstore clerk ring alignment to the blow out all the air in my abdomen and make kissy lips pose. And doable, delicious bookend hotts. I want to spray him with mace.
And coming in a distant fourth place, due to ballot stuffing, was Red Tony. Later, Chumpy McJerz. Your redness is standard Guid, and nowhere near the Monthly. I turn it over to Jessica to take us home. Take us home, Jess:
Oh, Travesty Barker must win. He is not “just a skater punk” — to dismiss him as such is an affront to all skater punks. He is an important kind of douche that is underrepresented here: a small, stringy piece of So-Cal peckerwood detritus, a guy who thinks he’s living “rock n roll” with the tats and the ‘tude, but is clearly not. Only in California could a guy this skinny, ugly, fashioned-challenged and broke get a hot girlfriend. In a physical fight, Red Tony, Kettle and Robopud would all whoop the shit out of Travesty’s ass. But in this picture, safe from those baboons, this snide asshole mocks us. He needs to be checked.
And that just about says it all. We’ll see the Wretch and Jez in the Yearly at the 2009 Douchies. Did I mention they begin on Monday?
West Side Douchey
PIC DELETED
Gee, Officer Krupke, he’s very upset;
He never got the love that ev’ry child oughta get.
He ain’t no delinquent,
He’s misunderstood!
Deep down inside him… he’s still a douche.
Yup. I was watching Curb again.
Ladies, carry on with the hott fondling. It does a body good.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009Jake Whatupguy says, "What up, Guy?"
Jake Whatupguy gets asked about his strange last name all the time.
Turns out it’s Scotch-Romanian.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009Jake Whatupguy says, “What up, Guy?”
Jake Whatupguy gets asked about his strange last name all the time.
Turns out it’s Scotch-Romanian.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009A Sherpa Named Tim
Once, when I was busking for trade in the lower mountains of Peakware near outer Uruguay, I met one of the holy Sherpas from the nearby village.
His name was Tim.
“Ted? Can I ask you something?” I asked.
“My name is Tim,” he replied softly, rubbing his wrinkled hands with fish oils gathered from sardines in nearby Lake Recawcawca.
“You should know my name is Tim.” He continued. “For you just typed it earlier in your post.”
“Ted,” I continued. “Tell me why Aqua Teen Boobie Force has shirt stains? Why does the Jerz Guid mug the Aqua Teen Boobie Force?”
“To know the Jerz Guid is to know the self.” Tim replied softly, taking a bite from his trail mix of dried whale cake and plantain.
“Mock. And all will be revealed.”
So I paid Tim off with Conquistador coin. He headed back down the trail. I settled in to enjoy some tasty HoHos and watch the sunset. And realized the Jerz Guid was poo. And must be mocked on the internet accordingly.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009Anthony Peedis Writes In
Hipster Douchefus “Pasquale,” aka “Anthony Peedis, aka Your Saturday Facepalm, (and pictured here), writes in:
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STOP HATEN CAUSE, YOU GUYS GET NO PUSSY!!!!
2:18 PM
i must be doing something right if you HATERS are talking about me, its thats just one of my girls i have MANY more…… must suck to me you huh
find something better to do with your time!!! f*cking posers
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I happen to know Haten Cause, and he is a fine, upstanding citizen. I would not stop him, and he is welcome in my home any time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009Tim Burton's "Alice in Mandanaland"
“Not so fast, Jack Scrotington!” said Alice.
“Mandanas must be three inches or shorter to ride this ride.”
And because nothing says mad hatter punk rebel quite so much as the Mercedes Benz arm tatt.
