HCwDB

    Friday, November 20, 2009

    Friday Haiku

    Sneery Goose Runner
    Almost pulls “Double Shocker,”
    Needs index to hold.

    Frosted glass at night
    In a Seventies basement
    Side boob and lip gloss

    — Publius Choadius Naso

    Spring Break trip mistake
    Got on plane to Russia, oops
    Still met bags with booze

    — Dr. DB

    Latin goblin bags
    Vanilla chocolate goose
    Hots drink to endure.

    — The ‘Baggernaut

    Three hotts in a room
    Douchebag Pack encircle them
    Forsake all hope, run!

    — Hector, Tamer of Douches

    It’s Los Stooges Tres.
    Left to right, there’s Moe, Curly,
    and El Carne de Porch.

    — “Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock

    El Chupacabra
    turns his back on tequilla
    por que, amigo?

    — Douche Wayne

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    Nipsy Hussle


    I chalk this up as a variant of the game young children play.

    The “I’ll show you yours, then you show me mine, then I’ll shoot 20 CCs of Andro into my eyeballs and beat up a couch.”

    That’s what they call it in the schoolyards now, right?

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    Jerztoberfest


    Puds, please leave the Kappa Kappa Woo Sorority Sisters alone.

    Jerztoberfest isn’t until January.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    Name that Scrote


    Last night’s HCwDB After Dark pic, in which this tatted up, hat tilted, pants dropping grease-scrote was found rubbing up on a fiery zebra Latina we’ll call Jezebel, was not given an official tag.

    Since the naming pool is plentiful, I figured I’d open up the ‘tag for Monday’s Weekly. The leading contender right now is Troy Tempest with “Scribbles.”

    Can you do better?

    Tag that ‘Bag in the comments thread.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    Reader Mail: The Britbag

    —-
    DB1,

    Last weekend, I, an American woman, met this British guy who was perfectly normal and pretty attractive.

    He was wearing not-too-tight clothes, there was not a trace of orange on his skin, and the tips of his hair were mercifully unfrosted. He had a cute accent, laughed at my jokes, and was a good kisser. I liked him.

    Fast forward to this afternoon, when I noticed that he had friended me on Facebook. I looked at his profile pictures, and was shocked. He was displaying multiple sure-fire signs of scrote — including but not limited to: forehead shine, hair gel, kissy face, and chest-revealing dress shirt. Throw a fake tan and some Armani Exchange on this bloke, and he’s HCWDB material.

    Is it possible that a Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon is occurring here — i .e. Dr. Normal and Mr. Douche? Or, more disconcerting, maybe he’s like a Were-douche and his baggery only reveals itself during a full moon?

    Your thoughts and guidance on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

    — Natalie
    —-

    There are frequent cases of split personality ‘bags, Natalie, and you must be careful to check for the signs.

    Search for hidden canisters of Axe Bodyspray in the bathroom. Rummage for old “Affliction” shirts hidden in the closet. Check his online bookmarks to see if he reads “The Dirty.”

    It is not surprising to learn that such split-level choadsity is occurring in London. The alienation caused by living on an island of failed empire can only lead to the fracture of the self. That, and way too many Robbie Williams songs.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    The Salt Licker Softly Weeps


    This week’s HCwDB of the Week loser (winner), The Salt Lick, is not taking his loss (win) very well.

    In protest over the vote, The ‘Lick went out and got the Gaelic symbol for “semi-employed” tattoed on his belly button. And now he’s macking on Tiny Lori with only semi-efforted douchosity.

    Because The Licker’s blue.

    He wanted scrotal appreciation. And we gave him only disinterest. Which is like spiritual death to a ‘bag.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    HCwDB After Dark


    Come on in!!

    It’s late nite HCwDB.

    We’ve got chips and dips.

    ‘Bags and whips.

    Zebra hotts and creepy drips.

    And a basket of tasty organic gourds.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 18, 2009

    Red Tony


    Because when Red Tony really gets serious about playing the hilarious “Nipple Button goes ‘Boop!'” game on Lisa at the State Fair, he knows that only one forearm sweatband is for amateurs.

    True Playahs wear two.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 18, 2009

    Chin Pube Dribble

    Still out there.

    Still douchey.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 18, 2009

    Smoot Laughs at Robopud


    HCwDB of the Year contestant, Smoot, laughs at Robopud’s pathetic attempts to become uberdouche in presence of hott.

    Smoot does not need Groin Shave Reveal in the presence of the ladies to announce his scrotal powers.

    Nor does Smoot need kissy lips, hand gesture or facial hair.

    For Smoot is douche. It is Zen Douchosity. And as such, it must be observed.

    And by observed, I mean plaid shorts.

    # posted by douchebag1
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