HCwDB
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Beating Christian Audiger at “Rock, Paper, Scissors”
One… two… three… SHOOT.
I win again.
I could play this all day.
Monday, October 26, 2009The Theory of Mandanativity
It was the great Armenian physicist, Blake Havasu, who first proposed the Theory of Mandanativity, at a conference in Copenhagen in 1942. It went like so:
As mandana moves lower and hawk rises higher, the chance of pink baseball caps on hoochie hot increases exponentially, ipso facto, reductio ad absurdum.
Or, in mathematical terms:
D/b(ag)2 = M/x + (H*y) Σ P*z
Laugh now, but someday you may need that formula.
Monday, October 26, 2009The Bagpoleon Complex
There’s clearly a distinct correlation between shortbags and overdeveloped abs in pursuit of hott fondle.
Donkey Douche Voted
One of the great HCwDB legends of all things scrotal, the immortal Donkey Douche, decided to stop by with a couple of new ladies (and his apprentice, Hal) and vote in the Weekly.
DB legends like DD do not grow old.
They just grow more orange.
Monday, October 26, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Your humble narrator had a relaxing weekend munching on processed sugar snacks and enjoying a tasty beverage. But tasty beverages are not enough. There’s work to be done.
The Weekly appears to be a mismatch. But we’ve seen mismatches go to the underdogs before. Will it happen this time? That’s where you come in. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Etch-a-Head and Gloria
Originally posted as a “Caption This Pic” contest, Head Sketchy brings significant douhetributes to the Weekly.
Waxed brows.
Ridic ear bling.
Landing strip chin.
Standard issue MMA t-shirt.
And, of course, the Etch-a-Head.
Gloria is fiery Latina curvaceous hottness, with perky nose, sexy hooch eyeshadow, and boobs a boobsin’.
She is quality first generation salsa goodness.
He has a wrist tattoo.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Lincoln Log
Knocked out of the last Weekly due to the high competition, I’m making an executive decision and placing The Log in this Weekly. He deserves another shot at being mocked.
The Log is true West Coast Inland Empire douche at work.
Muscle t-shirt. Strange facial pubes. Undeserved “tough” attitude. Hand gesture. Abe Lincoln arm tatt.
That’s right. Abe Lincoln arm tatt.
Four score and seven hours ago, the Log was lying in a puddle of vomit wondering where his life went wrong.
The ladies? They bring dual generic West Coast hottitude.
Nothing spectacular or innovative. Nothing really inspiring in a sui generis sort of way. But quality hotness nonetheless. And a bitable suckle leg.
Whether he wins or not,”Pucker” needs a soggy rye to the face.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa
Normally with an orange mutant this ridiculous, I’d be inclined to move him straight to the Closet of Poo and be done with it.
But methinks the Poopa deserves his shot in the Weekly.
The drawback?
A less than A-List, albeit wholesome, girl next door. Is she enough to hold up the HC side? Or can the Poopa’s poopitude create a poopulous vortext of pee?
Missing the cut, but deserving consideration for Hall of Hott is Santabag’s Elf Hott and the puddwackitude of The Floater.
But them’s your three.
Which coupling shall prove victorious/rank? That, my friends, is up to you.
Vote, as eternal, in the comments thread.
Sunday, October 25, 2009Honorary Douchebag of the Decade: Christian Audiger
The French perpetrator of the Ed Hardy plague has an American Dream.
It is to defecate on every aspect of our culture like a viral infected herp sore on the rosy red ass-cheek of life.
Sunday, October 25, 2009Reader Mail: HCwDB in Leagl Trouble
Friday Haiku Girl writes in:
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Subject: leagl
Hi Sir,
I am not sure what pleasure you get out of putting false information on the internet, but I will seak all legal actions to get it down. It was posted @7:02am.
Thank you.
Brooke
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed
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And moments later:
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I will seek all legal actions to remove myself from this website of yours that you think is so funny. You are a rude and disrespectful person. I have a team working on it now. I am sure you will hear from them by the end of next week. If you would like to continue to steal personal photos and blog on them I am sure you will continue to get delt with by a legal team. How dare you.
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If there’s anything I hate, it’s to get delt with.
Your Saturday Poopaloompa
A de-orangified Poopaloompa is prepping his ginormous head, sharpening his chin pubes and rubbing up on Young Mom Suburban Kim as he preps for the Weekly on Monday.
Gonna be hard to knock off this “Handsome Devil.”
And by handsome, I mean poopa.
And by devil, I mean loompa.
Friday, October 23, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Yesterday, as I waited in line to buy my bottles of Night Train and some tasty Hostess treats to stock up for the weekend, at the local Korean deli south of Wilshire, I had a thought.
As Freud famously wrote in Totem, Taboo and Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh, it is the search for the union of rift in the psyche of the Self that we seek in the Other. This search for Jouissance can never be satiated, and returns only as punctum expressed in the act of mocking douchebag.
Or, as the great Jean-Paul Sartre once asked in a moment of pique at a restaurant, Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup? And the waiter responded, Because of the phenomenological crisis of perception, and he’s doing the back stroke.
Here’s your links:
Geeky pumpkins rule.
HCwDB of the Week Winning Hott Charleez takes a dip in the pool. I would rub her shoulder blades lightly for six weeks straight with only Peruvian coco butters for my chapped skin and a strawberry daiquiri for sustenance.
Russian kids learn to douche it up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the dangers of market based global hegemony.
Attention ‘Bags: Need to see how your abs look while taking a self portrait? Samsung has the answer.
The French blight on global culture that is Christian Audiger continues to pollute Australia, this time with “Ed Hardy Rockstar bowling.”
“Hey, look at me! I’m a cabbage! Good source of riboflavin.”
Streem Master. When you need to take the “ouch” out of douching.
Speaking of animal douche, check out The Chinstrap Penguin. Ladies, how YOU doin’?
And finally, because it was another tremendous week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, this one’s for you:
Collegiate Volleyball Ass Pear. Because you’ve earned it.
Friday, October 23, 2009The Triple Doucher
With extra cheese.
