HCwDB
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Monday, October 12, 2009
HCwDB of the Week
Your humble narrator spent the weekend in deep meditative repose. What did I learn? That Mad Men needs more Peyton List.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tony the Mack and Paulina
Tony and Paulina might not have made it if not for pic #2. That mauling by furry chin deserves Weekly consideration.
Tony brings understated douchal silk shirted game to the Weekly.
And by understated, I mean four buttons leading to two buttons, leading to chin pube.
And the alien in the TV helps compliment the curvy grabbitude of Paulina’s lithe shoulder suckle tenderness.
I would lick and grab with great aplomb.
Which would, of course, make it macking, and therefore I would become my own version of Tony.
Which is the douchal conundrum. The mobius strip, if you will, of douchadox. Sponsored by Axe.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The ‘Barrowbag and Alana
Matt Florian, aka “The ‘Barrowbag,” was first featured in Friday’s Haiku, but the general wrongness of this pic stayed with me through the weekend like a festering toe-jam bruise.
As such, I’m tossing it in the Weekly and seeing where it flushes.
Alana has the arched back and firm thighs of prime childbearing years. I would reward her for her genetic gifts with flowers from Parisian hot houses, natural organic honeys from Paraguay, and myself, humping her childhood teddybear when she was in the kitchen getting us tea.
Finally, we’ve seen shirtless douchebaggery in bars, clubs, and all sorts of places.
But I need a ruling here.
Is shirtlessness in a bathroom while doggie ‘bagging still a place where shirtlessness should not occur? It is the bathroom, after all.
I still vote gach.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Kevin’s Wild Years
It’s not just the swirly hair, the rosarie beads and the punchable chinstrap on Kevin, as he mugs Cambridge Rachel.
Well, yes, I suppose it is all of those things.
But it’s also the air of quiet desperation.
We see it even more pronounced in pic #2.
I feel for Kevin.
And not just because he reminds me of every Boston Irish kid from Southie or the Point who started drinking at twelve to block out their parental neglect and limited life prospects.
But I mock douche macking on hott. And Kevin Flynn from Boston is most certainly mockworthy.
Wicked.
I’m eliminating the tragicomic orangeness of The Agonizer on account of potential gaybaggery and a lack of true hott, and general stomach churning nastiness. Instead, I’m moving that mess directly to the Closet of Poo.
Also just missing the cut was The Appendix Lick. And while the gorgeosity of Musika Boobsenfeld in Zombieland has brought calls for Hall of Hott, I’m not ready to award that just yet. Nor could the pic really make the Weekly, with the three average scrotes hanging off her bosom chords.
So which of these three deserve to win the Weekly?
You know what to do.
Cast your vote in the comments thread.
Sunday, October 11, 2009Douchebag vs. Rabbis
Douchebag vs. Rabbis in a cosmic dance-off between Hasidim and Scrotestum.
Who will win?
Hashem? Or Armani-Exchange?
Saturday, October 10, 2009No More Chicago Taggin'
Burnt Red writes in:
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There is a picture of me on your website called Chicago Taggin’ published on October 08th at 2:50 PM. I would like that picture removed immediatly. This picture was copied and lifted off my hidden Facebook page. Meaning that I hold this intellectual property and have sole right to the distribution of the photograph. I was never given a release to sign on this behalf. You have been notified of this compromise and will seek legal action if the picture is not removed immediately.
Respectfully,
(Burnt Red)
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I love it when ‘bags talk all legal and stuff.
Saturday, October 10, 2009No More Chicago Taggin’
Burnt Red writes in:
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There is a picture of me on your website called Chicago Taggin’ published on October 08th at 2:50 PM. I would like that picture removed immediatly. This picture was copied and lifted off my hidden Facebook page. Meaning that I hold this intellectual property and have sole right to the distribution of the photograph. I was never given a release to sign on this behalf. You have been notified of this compromise and will seek legal action if the picture is not removed immediately.
Respectfully,
(Burnt Red)
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I love it when ‘bags talk all legal and stuff.
Friday, October 9, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah Francine. My Francine.
I must save thee. From the illegitimate son of Bob Dylan and Pedro Sánchez. Before Napoleon sees.
For I respect you for your mind. And my desire to softly rub mashed blackberry jam atwixt your thighs using only a spoon and a dollop of Oxyclean for some extra tingle is purely in the interests of science.
I would gnaw. Upon Francine’s shoulder suckle. And then I would dream of cake.
Here’s your Friday Links:
Here’s a behind-the-scenes pic from Season #2 of my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him?, which just finished our first week of shooting. The Giggle Hotties are regrouping over lattes.
Oh Skweezy, you wacky dude, you almost had it.
Scientists name a foot long leech after New Jersey. Up next, a new strain of ass herpes named after Scottsdale.
This delightful European Quartasian has extremely large breasts and librarian glasses. I felt it needed reiterating.
Renowned actor Bruce Greenwood (Thirteen Days, The Sweet Hereafter, Capt. Pike in this year’s Star Trek) got his start in the best T&A movie of the 1980s, Malibu Bikini Shop.
We’ve seen douchey Yankee caps. Now check out a douchey Yankee.
Breaking: Canadian Douchebags Slain in Mexico. It’s not nice to make fun of murdered people. Unless you’re Jay Leno and it’s Nicole Brown Simpson.
Details is the latest magazine to jump on HCwDB inspired scrotal deconstruction, and gets ridiculed here, although I can make neither heads nor ass pear out of the logic being used.
Speaking of true greatness, lets not forget what a real punk legend looks like, Joan Jett, who continues to blow today’s wannabes off stage.
Okay.
You’ve been good. Sink your teeth into this Meaty Meat Ass Pear. They are two finely shaped Christmas hams swirling amidst kaleidoscope eyes as I bite them with Aunt Bea watching proudly from the kitchen.
And celebrate. For it is Friday.
Friday, October 9, 2009What Time is It?
Almost time for Friday Thoughts and Links…
Kevin's Wild Years
Sure, Kevin’s about to settle into his predetermined life. A nice, quiet life in Attleboro.
A wife whom he doesn’t really like. A job with Local 402. Watching Patriots games. Enjoying Dunkin’ Donuts. Gaining weight.
Raising his twin boys, Sean and Patrick.
But before he gives in to the confines of his environment, genetics and cultural limitations that will dictate the next 50 years of his existential crisis of a life, young Kevin Flynn is going to party.
With full-on douche hair, douche chinstripe, and even the “wild n’ crazy” douche bling, the rosarie beads.
And Rachel from Cambridge is going to humor him.
Because she thinks his hair is “way rad.” And she’s slumming it with the bad boyz. While her academic parents are at the Cultural Studies conference in Frankfurt, delivering a paper entitled, “Lacanian Crisis and Homosocial Anxiety on ‘Entourage'”.
Friday, October 9, 2009Kevin’s Wild Years
Sure, Kevin’s about to settle into his predetermined life. A nice, quiet life in Attleboro.
A wife whom he doesn’t really like. A job with Local 402. Watching Patriots games. Enjoying Dunkin’ Donuts. Gaining weight.
Raising his twin boys, Sean and Patrick.
But before he gives in to the confines of his environment, genetics and cultural limitations that will dictate the next 50 years of his existential crisis of a life, young Kevin Flynn is going to party.
With full-on douche hair, douche chinstripe, and even the “wild n’ crazy” douche bling, the rosarie beads.
And Rachel from Cambridge is going to humor him.
Because she thinks his hair is “way rad.” And she’s slumming it with the bad boyz. While her academic parents are at the Cultural Studies conference in Frankfurt, delivering a paper entitled, “Lacanian Crisis and Homosocial Anxiety on ‘Entourage'”.
Friday, October 9, 2009Hurt Cab for Portly
The Florida State kegger was totally off the hook.
Even Ubiquitous Red Cup was having fun.
Until Dale showed up and started hitting on the Carlita Sisters with requests for everyone to come see his Death Cab for Cutie tribute band, Hurt Cab for Portly.
Friday, October 9, 2009Friday Haiku
‘Bathroom Doggie ‘Bag,
Like pubes on chin, tatts on arm,
Floormats by Nordstrom.
Hinge on the doorframe
Unhinged on douchbag’s tats
Big knobs on the hott
— Franklyn Dealorno Doucheifelt
Marrissa’s gyno
had trouble diagnosing
until she saw this
— Mr. White
Evil Monkey tatt
Screams for release, Thundercats
Tatt accepts douche pain.
— Captain Bringdown
Nice Gollum tattoo.
Jenna thinks, “you’ll never get
to touch my precious.”
— Sergeant Scrote Stain
Wheelbarrel practice
Would be more helpful if she’d
Lift up other leg.
— boatbutter
Shoulder Monkey Screams
Don’t Look So Vapid! Alas
It cannot be helped
— Douche Plumber Roberts
Hott’s eyes speak to me
“Take the place of pregnant douche”
Me, to the rescue
— John Douche Passos
