HCwDB
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Where's Waldouche? Meatclown Edition
Somewhere near the cliffs of Mordor, amongst a gaggle of Woo Hotties, I’ve carefully hidden a Meatclown Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009Where’s Waldouche? Meatclown Edition
Somewhere near the cliffs of Mordor, amongst a gaggle of Woo Hotties, I’ve carefully hidden a Meatclown Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009Bonadouchey
There is no substitute.
Francine Celebrates her Win
But where’s Mack?? And who are these two new uberdouches?
And how could Francine run with the Goose?
Is Francine like my second future ex-wife, Purg Hottie, a succubus of innocent douchetraction, who pulls only stage-4 uberdouche into her orbit?
My world paradigm has been knocked off kilter. I need another bowl of Corn Pops.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009HCwDB of the Month: Mack the Nozzle and Francine
A solid brow-out. And don’t forget pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4. The voters speak:
Minnescrota: Gotta go with the Nozzle for the win, Crabs McGee looks like and PtP advertisement for something douchie…Hipster isn’t the biggest douche and the girls aren’t that hot and Sheldon, well, bad camera angle aside, I’ve seen bigger douches in my own neighborhood. Nozzle is a true douche…and the hott is a true hott.
The Bag Queen: I haven’t seen this much epiglottis since Deathtongue and I wish I hadn’t.
Scrotum Pole: The Nozzle’s life choices have been poor to say the least. “Fight or Die” notwithstanding, his eye tattoo looks like Stevie Wonder’s attempt to pinstripe a headlight.
Maiden, Mother, and Bleeth: It’s got to be Nozzle for he should be beaten with hoses, or pipes, or what ever is handy…
AV: I shudder to think of the Nozzle taking sweet Francine to Taco Bell every other day. I know VH1 “stardom” isn’t very lucrative, but he could at least spring for Sizzler or Steak ‘n Shake every once in a while. Bastard.
poultry turd: When noted self-help speaker and author Tony Robbins was asked at a recent event, “What one thing would could be done to gaurantee failing to succeed in life?” Robbins answered, without hesitation, “Get a tatoo around your eye, and have “fight or die tatooed across your neck.”
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: the thought of Mack and Francine sharing dna makes me want to feed my fingertips to the wolverines. Mack FTM and we all lose by his existance.
denno: Blue spooge tongue defication of mange ridden dog breathe scum slathering….blah blah blah…Mack the Nozzle ftw. Francine for wet dream object lovely dimple faced innocent looking poor judge of character did I mention boobies?
Antonio BlackCock: Im going with the omnipotent baggery of Mack Da Nozzle. I just cant get over that eye tatt. Francine makes me want to run my tongue down a deli slicer and then use my snake tongue to lick both her boobies at the same time. Im good like that.
A linguistic evisceration, props to all the hunters and huntresses for great work. Coming in an impressive and solid second place, Shiny Head Sheldon and the tasty girl-next-door, Sienna:
eltango: sheldon knows which drinks taste best with ruffies and sienna is bob ross’s favorite tint of brown. bob ross loves you sienna and so do i.
jonezy: Sienna is a doe-eyed angel. Sheldon for the monthly and may we never see Crabs mCgee again
Anonymous: Shiny Head Sheldon wins. While the sneer, bling, shiny shirt, spiky hair, and shaved chest anger me – the fact that he’s holding his lime OUTSIDE the glass puts him over the edge. What an ass.
ImageWrangler: It would appear Sienna is so off-the-charts cute she far surpasses the other hots and even outruns the douchiness of the other douches by weighted average.
The Donger: To use a classic of literature to explain my decision, Sheldon in his unbuttoned white shirt, two sizes too big to hide his girth, makes him the white whale literally and figuratively. And I am Captain Ahab, hunter of douches. And Sienna is the siren that calls me, asking to be rescued.
Hot Buttered Poopcorn: Sheldon is wearing a shiny parachute shirt. This doesn’t seem very offensive in and of itself, but somehow he’s ticking me off just a bit more than the rest of these nitwits. Perhaps it’s Sienna’s air of innocence. Maybe it’s Sheldon’s ridiculous sneer.
Paper or Plastic: Poor little Sienna, so delicate and suckable, will end this night permanently scarred. Maybe with the herp. Maybe tossed in a dumpster in six separate pieces. I don’t know. That’s why it’s Sheldon FTW, for he is the Mr. Dark to Sienna’s enticing rides.
Sheldon’s understated scrotography deserves attention. A distant third was the Paid-to-Pose wrongness of Crabs McGee:
shawk: Crabs McGee and Minnie Von Shtup. Ja! The entire load o’choad should be run through a log chipper.
Drew: I have to go with Crabs McGee. While Nozzle truly deserves some merit I feel like Crabs stands for everything that makes me want to take a power-drill to my temple to get the horrible images that haunt my dreams out.
And, sadly, the Hipsterbag got left behind like a 2am bender in Williamsburg:
Erin: Hipster bag is exactly the type of guy your girlfriend would be “friends” with. And by “friends” I mean “she gets plastered at the Avett Brothers concert and does the walk of shame wearing one of his v-neck shirts”.
Breakin 2: Electric Douchaloo: Hipsterbag, for looking like a cross between Huck Finn and the Mothman. …and I’m sure he’s wearing the bling ironically, which makes it worse.
darksouldealer: hispterdouche…if you actually believe that 3 day drunk, unshowered, STUBBLE look is a fashion statement, then you are a permadouche…stop ruining the places i go to, you dont get it, the press has already left and the chicks are too drunk to take you seriously anymore…seriously, if you TRIM your stubble, you just need a post birth abortion
But the Nozzle’s tatt disaster and Francine’s utter angelic butt powdering perfection were too strong a combo to deny a slot in the HCwDB of the Year in December. Lets let the returning newbag take us home:
I have to give it to Mack. I haven’t been to this site for nearly a year due to brain surgery, but the moment I locked eyes on that scrote my sutures split and half my cerebellum made for the exit. I didn’t sleep last night due to wanting to tie him to a propane tank and insert a burning flare into his wallet. Gad, just know he HAS a tongue makes me want to take a garden shear to mine. I’m still convulsing. Man, make him stop.
We can’t make him stop, but we can mock him until his spectacle is denatured to the point of parody. And so we shall. Chalk up the Nozz and Francine for the Yearly. And props to all the hunters and huntresses for excellent work.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009The Appendix Lick
Challenging “Groin Shave Reveal” as one of the key 2009 Douchal exhibitionist developments, this may well be the new Doggie ‘Baggin.
Chinese tatt translation:
He who’s crotch smell like lobster give crabs.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009Reader Mail: The Pigskin 'Bag
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DB1:
Up front, I’m violating one of the terms of submission – not a hottie in sight. I shot these at the Browns-Bengals game after a friend of mine and I spied the Douchebag candidate one section over. He flirted with some hotts, but nothing I could snap a picture of.
He was kind of like the Loch Ness Monster. I could never get a clear photo of this guy with my cameraphone. A couple times he disappeared in a sea of brown and orange jerseys or was blocked by another Browns fan who walked by. You can kind of tell by the video that he was getting a little suspicious of the guy pointing the camera phone in his direction.
What’s the ratio of Pigskin Bags to regular fans at a game? Judging from the population density of the area that involved the three douchebags, I would guess it’s about six per section.
Chris from Browns Stadium Section 111
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We will now term “Six per section” as the “Chris 111 Constant.” A unit of measurement that is not exact, but can be used for estimation when dealing with large crowds. The next question is how many of them were HCwDB? I would estimate 1 or 2 per 6, with the other four being rogue pud.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009Reader Mail: The Pigskin ‘Bag
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DB1:
Up front, I’m violating one of the terms of submission – not a hottie in sight. I shot these at the Browns-Bengals game after a friend of mine and I spied the Douchebag candidate one section over. He flirted with some hotts, but nothing I could snap a picture of.
He was kind of like the Loch Ness Monster. I could never get a clear photo of this guy with my cameraphone. A couple times he disappeared in a sea of brown and orange jerseys or was blocked by another Browns fan who walked by. You can kind of tell by the video that he was getting a little suspicious of the guy pointing the camera phone in his direction.
What’s the ratio of Pigskin Bags to regular fans at a game? Judging from the population density of the area that involved the three douchebags, I would guess it’s about six per section.
Chris from Browns Stadium Section 111
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We will now term “Six per section” as the “Chris 111 Constant.” A unit of measurement that is not exact, but can be used for estimation when dealing with large crowds. The next question is how many of them were HCwDB? I would estimate 1 or 2 per 6, with the other four being rogue pud.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009Caption This Pic
Lenny demonstrated for Gramps how the Doggie ‘Bag would totally help him clean up at the Shady Palms Retirement Home in Coconut Grove. And by him, I mean Lenny.
Ask DB1: The Spectral Scrote
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Greetings DB1!
Of late, I have been wondering about the existential aspect of douchebaggery.
Around here (Portland/Vancouver area of OR/WA), we seem to have a plethora of young men who although they have the tatts, hat tilt, Ed Hardy, and “gang” signs, the level of scrotal infestation still seems less than believable. They remind me of the “urban cowboy” outbreak in the early 80’s, where although those infected would dress and talk like a “cowboy”, it was obvious that they were in fact, poseurs.
Is it actually possible to be a poseur douche? Or is the mere desire to be of a scrotal nature give these subjects an automatic doucheosity?
I am wondering if Descartes’ concept of “Cogito douche, ergo sum douche” applies here, or if there is an actual doucheo-cultural integration that must take place for these DSP (douchebag shaped poseurs) to become fully tainted with a true doucheosity.
Any insight you may be able to give on this conundrum is much appreciated.
sincerely,
–“DB 3,564.2”
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As Virilio and Baudrillard have explained, we live in the age where the simulation has replaced the authentic in terms of meaning, signifier and cultural locator.
Ask yourself, why are so many movies coming out about avatars and mechanistic bodies replacing real ones through virtual control?
These films speak to the anxieties of the breakdown between the corporeal and technology’s extension of reality. By seeking to demarcate between image and one’s “real” self, as you ask, you are drawing a binary without distinction. As Baudrillard explained, Disneyland is the new real, and America itself is a simulation/recreation of European based colonial signifiers. “Mainstreet” simulations within a fictive nostalgic hue ratcheted up into spectacle. Disneyland was the first douchification of suburbia. The hyper-real conflation between super-reality spectacle as marker of the authentic.
The pixel image glowing on a monitor cannot be disentangled from the painting on the wall of a museum. The authentic no longer exists in the age of virtual reproduction of mechanical reproduction. Image has superseded body, and can only be reconfigured and recontextualized. But never reverted back to its previous place outside of the self.
In short, the douche echoes the douche, but is in fact, the douche. The age of mechanical reproduction has given way to the simulation of reproduction within the virtual realm, even when re-corporealized on the individual.
