HCwDB
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Long Island Redcheek
PIC DELETED
Dave on the right? You get a nottadouche pass. Go in peace.
But Vinny? White stud belt, d-neck shirt, hand gesture and bling means we gotta ‘tag you a solid stage-3 Grieco Virus carrier.
Most perplexingly, what’s with the rosy cheeks?
Is it makeup?
Were you slapped on each side of his face with a halibut?
And finally we come to Roxanna. A fully formed and delightfully curvy figure that I would study and grope with feral intensity for a solid 30 seconds using only the hypothalamus part of my brain, before collapsing in exhaustion, and then turning on the teevee.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009Caption This Pic
Excuse me, Miss, would you like to see my Jelly Dong?
Take your best shot in the comments thread.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009Ponce
Ladies, during the kegger, never go into the kitchen alone with anyone nicknamed “Ponce.”
Or anyone in a “Hooters” shirt.
Good rule of thumb to follow next time, Alli.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Gunny
With a four pic run of taint (2, 3 and 4), The Gun Show and assorted Party Hotts took down a strong contender in Cornbread the Destroyer to take the prize.
MoeDouche: This is an easy one. Gunny FTW! This DB makes my blood boil every time I see his pictures. For his mocking pose’, his 1-finger salute, and his toy gun is just so over the top that I am in disbelief that such a DB really walks among his own kind. He tops it off with two hotties on each arm. GRRRR! Yeah, Gunny you deserve the win, you POS.
Anonymous: Gunny FTW. His group home needs to quit taking field trips to the club.
Douche Bigalow: Gunny- He’s Dom Deluise’s long dead penis.
Double O Douche: Gunny FTW because he shows us that even tards can be bags and tarded bags can score hotchicks hence no matter what your problem is you can pull ass just by being a douche..Thank you gunn
Douchemockracy: Gunny FTW. That belt just screams: “Look at me ye mighty and despair, for I AM DOUCHE”.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Gotta go with Gunny. Cornbread and Teddy are standardbred douches, but the toy gun belt buckle takes gunny over the top.
Dr. Howie Feltersnatch: It is my professional opinion that Gunny exudes the highest level of the Grieco strain.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Lots of choadwankery going on in this weekly, but I choose Gunny. His prematurely receding hairline fauxhawk, and low double digit IQ leer, put him just a nose ahead of the pack for me.
Morgan: Gunny all the way. The hottie/douchie ratio in Gunny 2 is downright criminal.
Et Tu Douche?: The love gun belt is a calculated fashion statement that back fires (no pun intended) that says I’m an idiot look at me and my self esteem issues with my lack of manhood.
Anonymous: Gunny looks like the offspring of Howdy Doody and Ed Grimley. Maybe it’s wrong to select a mentally challenged person for HCWDBOTW, but then again, maybe it’s a sign of progress. Gunny FTW
Colussus of Choads: I would like to vote for Gunny. Simply because he looks like a f@cking dickhead. Thanks.
Well evicerated all-around, team, but I must say that Gunny’s ladies are not getting their due. Sure they’re not model-hott, but each and every one offers merit. Still, nice to see everyone bringing the a-game mock. Good work.
Coming in a solid and close second was Cornbread the Destroyer and his Persian Princess:
Don’t ‘bag me, bro: Cornbread. He does believe he is God’s gift to douchebaggery, and he is correct in that assumption. Well played, Corbread. Well played.
Captain Bringdown: From this vile and putrid concoction of testosterone, scrambled DNA, and silicone, the ultimate tipping point becomes “Hott least likely to OD on the contents of my medicine cabinet,” and that sends my vote to: Cornbread the Destroyer.
Erin: Cornbread bread wins, because a denim hat without denim pants, a denim shirt and denim vest is a huge faux pas.
Jean Claude Van Douche: Cornbread the Destroyer procures the win and by win I mean he gloms the magic crystal from Teddy Tatt’s massive watch, he rescues Princess Jehnna from her wierd balding uncle Gunny, and to celebrate he motorboats not the royal boobs, but instead plays ‘sit and spin’ with his magic horn.
And even Teddy Tatt, with his wine drinking tips, found support:
Hot Buttered Poopcorn: Teddy Tatt seems to have an unfinished sketch of a cartoon monster on his chest though. The cartoon scrawlings of what I assume he thinks is ‘bad-ass’ coupled with the pink shrouded boobs on his hott tell me that TT deserves this win. While he wins, we all lose.
Trisha: But Teddy…he has no idea that he is the scum of the earth and single-handedly responsible for the destruction of the world. The glass of white zin is the proof. Plus, his arm candy is the candiest. Teddy, ftw. Dammit…
Seargent Scrote Stain: Teddy thinks he is “classy.” Teddy thinks he has a “beautiful” baby momma. And Teddy probably even thinks he’s a good person. There’s only one problem Teddy, we know that you are in fact a giant twat. You are not classy, you are redneck knucle tatt uber scrote. Your baby momma has the clap, and despite your thoughts otherwise, you are a parasite leeched to the balls of modern society.
The Douche Slayer: I’m voting for Teddy Tatt & Maggie because you have to be a serious scrote to sport wine that probably tastes like raspberry grapefruit that’s been rotting in your fridge for the past four years.
Props for the always appreciated The Thing reference, M.D.
But the everpresent Anonymous takes us home, explaining why Gunny is a worthy winner (loser):
Gunny wins easily. While some may not like to consider multiple picks from the same douche when making their choice, I disagree. You see, Gunny is a douche no matter where he goes. In between Crazy Eyes and Tiny Blonde – check, he’s a douche. Being a douche while pointing at large fun bags – check. Giving “the shocker” while standing in between two hotts who have extensive experience with the aforementioned shocker – a-douche-a-rooni. Looking like a f@cking retard while standing next to a pleasant looking brunette – douche-tastic! Oh yeah, and that belt makes me want to cry.
Damn straight, Anon, well said. Chalk up Gunny and the Party Girls as the final slot in the Monthly on Monday. And it will be a tough fight to earn that slot in the HCwDB of the Year at the Douchie Awards in December.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009'Bagchelor Party
DB1,
— Jamie
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Well done, Jamie. But the point is to have the hot chicks dress slutty and hott. Not as douchebags. Otherwise the party has no point, and is DBwDB.
Like Halloween, HCwDB parties are a great excuse to convince the ladies to dress slutty.
Of course, my ultimate goal is to merge HCwDB and Halloween, and that someday there will be Gator, Joey Porsche and Fish Slap costumes on every street corner. Hey, it could happen.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009‘Bagchelor Party
DB1,
— Jamie
—–
Well done, Jamie. But the point is to have the hot chicks dress slutty and hott. Not as douchebags. Otherwise the party has no point, and is DBwDB.
Like Halloween, HCwDB parties are a great excuse to convince the ladies to dress slutty.
Of course, my ultimate goal is to merge HCwDB and Halloween, and that someday there will be Gator, Joey Porsche and Fish Slap costumes on every street corner. Hey, it could happen.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009Ask DB1: I Can Haz Preposterous?
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Douchebag1,
I’ve been studying for the bar exam all summer and I am in need of something truly and absolutely preposterous. I am one week from the exam and need to feel better about my sorry existence.
X-Lax, Gunny and Samurai Scrote have not been able to deliver the 1-2 punch I’ve been needing as of late. My soul is empty. Please, please help.
Humbly,
Kierkegaardouche
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You got it, K.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009The Chinchilla
Oh, Linda.
How bold you think you are dating The Chinchilla. How daddy suffers for your wayward ways.
His chinstrappy gray vest / silk t-shirt wearing smug douche-pouty choaditude convinced you he was “dangerous.” He “slappa the bass” in his Clash tribute band, “Cock the Casbah,” during open-mic-night at the Beer Shack. And it was rad.
Such a poor choice, Linda. But I will forgive you.
By awkwardly fondling your outer thigh area with a fly swatter and a jar of mustard.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009The Pouter Puff
Nothing says macho badass quite like a little rouge to bring up the cheekbones.
Things got worse moments later, when Pouter Puff went for the Fran Ass Grab.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009Still Life With Wheelbarrow
My latest work to be part of the the HCwDB gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023, which will cement my reputation as an artist in the age of denatured simulacra, I title Still Life with Wheelbarrow.
Still Life with Wheelbarrow rejects postmodern composition by focusing the gaze on a central coupling within a neo-classical return to even weighting. To place this framing in counterpoint, the use of sand as a structuring motif, with buildings rising starkly in the distance, places nature within a retro-futurist critique. Thusly it uses depth, absence and cool color palette to reinforce the spectral reconfiguration of denatured idioms.
It also has hott, douche and a wheelbarrow.
