HCwDB
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Buddha 'Bag
He who seeks spiritual enlightenment must realize that it can only be attained after one has prepared one’s body first. To be really douchey.
After one has experienced the ancient Chinese nipple pierce and tattooed “Fat Sack” upon one’s belly.
Only then, can one find truth upon staring at suckle thigh.
— The Buddha ‘Bag, 448 B.C.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009The Buddha ‘Bag
He who seeks spiritual enlightenment must realize that it can only be attained after one has prepared one’s body first. To be really douchey.
After one has experienced the ancient Chinese nipple pierce and tattooed “Fat Sack” upon one’s belly.
Only then, can one find truth upon staring at suckle thigh.
— The Buddha ‘Bag, 448 B.C.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009Bob and Maggie and Ted and Alice
Teddy Tatt and Maggie have brought some douchey friends to recommend Blushless Zinfandel.
The blush wine for a society without shame.
Monday, July 13, 2009Teddy Tatt and Maggie's Wine Tips
With just the right hint of tangy sparkle, and the vague scent of Axe Bodyspray, Teddy Tatt and Maggie recommend the Douchetopia Zinfandel label.
Pressed in the California vineyards of Redlands and Riverside, Douchetopia Zinfandel is made from only the finest poolside grown crack-berries, and squeezed with only the tightest pink bikini tops.
As such it is so very choice.
Or what Teddy Tatt calls, “Da bomb yo.”
Monday, July 13, 2009Teddy Tatt and Maggie’s Wine Tips
With just the right hint of tangy sparkle, and the vague scent of Axe Bodyspray, Teddy Tatt and Maggie recommend the Douchetopia Zinfandel label.
Pressed in the California vineyards of Redlands and Riverside, Douchetopia Zinfandel is made from only the finest poolside grown crack-berries, and squeezed with only the tightest pink bikini tops.
As such it is so very choice.
Or what Teddy Tatt calls, “Da bomb yo.”
Monday, July 13, 2009Caption This Pic
After a week of temping at The Home Depot, Marnie was surprised when her regional manager offered to take her out to discuss rising wood prices.
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Third Place, Dark Sock: This was not what Oscar had in mind when he requested a bar stool.
Second Place, End the Haberdouchery: Ed Hardy laxatives. For when you want your poop to have tattoos.
First Place, Douche Shower and Shave: The crowd was curious but well behaved as Elmo and his sister began the doubles dancing contest with a little thing they liked to call the “sticky dance”.
Monday, July 13, 2009Gunny Voted in the HCwDB of the Week
Meet Gunny.
In this week’s HCwDB of the Week, Gunny voted for #1.
Later, Gunny reconsidered. But stayed with his vote.
But by 2am, after one too many Fuzzy Navels, Gunny changed his vote to The Shocker.
Monday, July 13, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Once I slapped a kitten. It mewed softly. So I felt bad. And bought it an ice-cream cone.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hairy Belafonte
For bringing Wheatstalks level hair, H.B.’s kiss of Cheryl Crowhott is almost too much to let stand.
We cannot abide this.
We must mock.
Cheryl has the sweet, confused look of a Sarah Lawrence student gone though the looking glass and ending up at a Rehab Party after her boyfriend, Tim, got lost in one of the Casinos.
Her iMac perched on her lap, one wonders if she’s hiding a pair of sexy librarian glasses somewhere untoward.
Hairy B is slap-worthy Rehab Vegas taint.
Together, they make HCwDB.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: P. Doody, aka “Rated P for Poo”
I’m renaming this potential nominee for Worst Tattoo in the History of Body Art “P. Doody”
And yes, the excellent ‘bag hunters in the comments threads, in this case, Chia LaDouche correctly identified the 2008 H.C. winner for HCwDB of the Year, Carly Hott.
Has she ditched the Hooligan? We do not know. But Carly remains boobarifically glorious.
P. Doody has a giant tattoo meant to invoke the MPAA rating system. Srsly? Ya bro.
All sorts of arm-locking wrongness in this pic causes lemurs to karate-chop a kitten in the nads.
In a strange twist of irony, those lemurs karate-chopped the same kitten I once slapped and bought an ice-cream cone. But that’s a story for another time.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Earglasm 
Every great HCwDB pic features a form of douchal innovation. Thomas Edison-like inspiration of ballcrust.
Earglasm has it all. Ears. Sunglasses. Mandana.
Pouty Minx stoically smoking a cig by the beach.
Hers is a neck I would nuzzle.
His is a spikey-fro I would mock.
A third worthy entry in the Weekly, and with artistic composition to boot.
And by boot, I mean his ass. Not that Das Boot film with the Germans in the submarine.
Although that film did kick ass. As did Das Booty Call, starring Tommy Davidson and Udo Kier.
Last week also featured the meltdowns of poor Colt, whose bravado and arrogance quickly collapsed under a heap of really hilarious grammar. Lets toss that fish back in the sea and let it go get another neck tattoo.
Eagle-eyed ‘bag hunters like Wheezer correctly tagged Don’t Mess with the Poohan as HCwDB of the Week winner from last January Sir Sucks-a-Lot. Sucks.A.L. is campaigning for most amorphous douchebag of 2009, and, with his latest entry, is a strong write-in contender for HCwDB of the Year.
So them’s your three.
Which rises (drops) to the level of ballsack and maiden?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, July 12, 2009Breaking: Jon Minus Kate Plus Ed Hardy = Scrotocalypse
I’m not really sure who Jon Gosselin is, but people keep emailing this story, so I’m gonna run it.
Apparently Gosselin has a reality show about living in a commune with nine people or something. It’s some form of alternative lifestyle like the Valentine Michael Smith character in Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land might lead. Weird bathing and water rituals abound.
So why post this non-famous turd?
Because Radar Online has noted one of the key signs of the impending Scrotocalpse — that this TV Douche flew to France to meet with none other than Christian Audiger about working for Ed Hardy.
Ah.
It all starts to come together.
The war against the hott/douche is entering a new phase.
Sunday, July 12, 2009Britain's Got Douchebag!
Middle age will not stop The Gator.
Nor will hair loss.
Yes it’s HCwDB legend and 2007 Lifetime Achievement winner at the Douchie Awards, The Gator.
The Gator is a scrotal immortal. The Gator will slime 4-Ever.
