HCwDB
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Sunday, July 12, 2009
Britain’s Got Douchebag!
Middle age will not stop The Gator.
Nor will hair loss.
Yes it’s HCwDB legend and 2007 Lifetime Achievement winner at the Douchie Awards, The Gator.
The Gator is a scrotal immortal. The Gator will slime 4-Ever.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Dude, Where's My Shirt?
Sorority Kimmy? BFF Kelly?
Do not turn around.
There is an Ubiquitous Red Cup clutching dual lip pierced chest tatted ubersquat douchetool behind you.
I shall call him “Chet.”
And have him spayed.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Dude, Where’s My Shirt?
Sorority Kimmy? BFF Kelly?
Do not turn around.
There is an Ubiquitous Red Cup clutching dual lip pierced chest tatted ubersquat douchetool behind you.
I shall call him “Chet.”
And have him spayed.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Your Saturday Mug
I know what you’re thinking.
“DB1, that dude’s not so douchey. He’s just a devolved simian clown. You just posted this pic for the glory of the boobies.”
And that’s true. The boobies are divinely soft.
But before you dismiss Saturday Mug as a nottadouche I give you Exhibit B.
Friday, July 10, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
No deep thoughts from your humble narrator today. I’m satiated on sugary products and alcohol. The emails are flowing. The show is doing well on MTV. I’m good.
Although I do wonder when getting the Chinese tattoo for “Honky Suckass” below one’s right ear became trendy.
Here’s your links:
Attention High School Students, the Unemployed, or anyone with Garish Taste and No Future: Ed Hardy Video Internship now available.
When did “Celebrity Chefs” start to crossover into douched out asspimples? First Guy Fieri, now this guy. And what the hell is a “celebrity chef” anyway? You apply fire to dead animal carcasses. You are not a “celebrity.” You are a glorified utensil. Now get yer ass back in the kitchen and fetch me my chicken pot pie, clown.
Hitch! Now you can get in shape and become a douche all at the same time!
Brothabags run a love train on an ottoman. This is extremely, extremely gay, although apparently unintentionally so, and there’s no hott counterbalance. But it’s also hilarious.
Via Attack of the Show, Eagle pwns Goat. It’s apropos of nothing, but I enjoyed it. Nature kicks ass. It’s like videogames. Only real.
College Humor’s Tattoo Fight is amusing if you’re bored.
And, for another excellent week from everyone in the threads and all the lurkers who read the site,…
You’ve earned it. Your Friday Brazilian Twin Volleyball Player Ass Pear.
And if that ain’t enough Ass Pear, booya. It’s like two basketballs fighting over a peanut.
Friday, July 10, 2009Albino Pimp
Normally we mock the overly fake-tanned orange douchescrotes on this site.
In this case? Whitey needs a tan. Out of a can, a tanning bed, something, anything, before his translucence means we can see what he ate for lunch.
And I need to fondle a flag.
Friday, July 10, 2009Ask DB1: Douchal Rage
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DB1 –
The great majority of douchebags to discover their presence at HCwDB’s and take the time to write in seemingly exhibit what I would refer to as “Douchal Rage.”
Often laced with homophobic, class or cultural rhetoric, threats of physical violence and juvenile masculinity challenges, these letters normally do no more than provide concrete evidence that the subject in question is, in fact, a giant douchebag.
Instead of recognizing the intervention and constructively using the information for redemption, ‘bags tend to double down and resist reality. Could you comment on the “Douchal Rage” phenomena, its manifestations and the actual threat to the general population?
Sincerely,
Half Douche Half Man (Not-a-Douche)
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We must understand that the visceral and linguistic registers are complimentary when tagging uber-scrote in presence of hott. Here at HCwDB, at first we can only ‘tag based on visual cues.
Stupid hair and the douche face, for example.
But when a schlort writes in and confirms his poobaggery, we have a more complete picture painted. It is “The ‘Bag Within” unleashed in written form, and as such, provides an even more accurate barometer for taint measurement.
And by barometer, I mean boobies.
Friday, July 10, 2009Friday Haiku
Pammy and Gemma,
Picnic with roses, candles,
And Ivan Drago.
Coors Light cowboy hat
Attracts pool scrote into lap
Eyes hurt from chlor-douche
— Choada the Hutt
Wedding party Sting,
Macks on bridesmaid hots with hat,
Da da doo doo dont.
— Colussus of Choads
It’s SpoogeGirl SquareHat
Mingling with all her fans
Whiter shade of fail.
— Crucial Head
White party faux pas.
Leaving shart stains on ladies
Is oft frowned upon.
— End the Habedouchery
flour power cult:
proselytizing pizza
throwers mock moonies
— euripidouche
Friday, July 10, 2009Ed Farty: The Great White Douche
Years ago, when I was patched into a three month gig on a merchant ship off the coast of Sicily smuggling tasty Hostess Twinkies to aid the subaltern rebels in Uttar Pradesh, an old Merchant Marine pulled me Starboard ho.
He grabbed me by the neck and pulled my ear to him, whispering to me in a grizzled voice:
Someday, you’ll see him.
Who?, I asked.
The Great White Douche. Ed Farty.
A far off look came to his eyes as the boat bobbed in the choppy gefilte fish infested waters.
I’ve hunted him for many a harvest moon. Never to view his scrotey visage in the flesh. he muttered softly, angrily.
But if I see him, how will I know it’s him?, I asked.
You’ll know. He macks on the Boobie Hottie. And he smells like poo.
And he walked down into the cabin deck below.
Thursday, July 9, 2009Where's Waldouche? Boatbag Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of perky Floridian State Schoolettes, I’ve carefully hidden a pensive Waldouche in deep repose.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
