HCwDB
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Don't Mess with the Poohan
Because no matter how “gangsta” you try to be, when you’re carrying Rachel Hottowitz’s poodle around the Upper West Side while she shops, you are not “Mossad Gangsta,” no matter how many Affliction shirts and Yankee Tilts you wear.
Sorry Poohan.
The Rabbinical Council has voted. You are the Chosen Scrote.
Douche Minyan, party of one. Time to daven at the Gelling Wall.
Mmmm… Rachel Hottowitz. Catholic girls start much too late. Jewish girls start right on time.
(A bottle of Manishevitz to the first ‘bag hunter who figures out when this toolbag first appeared. I’m too hung over to find it)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Don’t Mess with the Poohan
Because no matter how “gangsta” you try to be, when you’re carrying Rachel Hottowitz’s poodle around the Upper West Side while she shops, you are not “Mossad Gangsta,” no matter how many Affliction shirts and Yankee Tilts you wear.
Sorry Poohan.
The Rabbinical Council has voted. You are the Chosen Scrote.
Douche Minyan, party of one. Time to daven at the Gelling Wall.
Mmmm… Rachel Hottowitz. Catholic girls start much too late. Jewish girls start right on time.
(A bottle of Manishevitz to the first ‘bag hunter who figures out when this toolbag first appeared. I’m too hung over to find it)
Monday, July 6, 2009Breaking: Tiki Douche Brings Hott to Sacrifice
Hoping to impress the angry Island God of Scrotebaggery, Umbata Grease Haira, the Tiki Douche has brought an academic virgin to be sacrificed.
By sacrificed, I mean get fondled on the dance floor to badly remixed techno.
And by academic virgin, I mean she’s never taken an international course. In European History. Or a foreign language.
Because “international course” sounds like “Interc…” oh forget it. Where’s my leftover Thunderbird?
Monday, July 6, 2009Average White 'Bag
You can faux-up the hair.
You can purchase the overpriced “Goth” shirt at Nordstroms.
You can even tackle a pouty ball of French Hott that has a young Brigitte Bardot mouth that cries out for lickage.
But you’re still just Average White ‘Bag.
Pleasant.
Friendly.
Destined for Middle Management.
Monday, July 6, 2009Average White ‘Bag
You can faux-up the hair.
You can purchase the overpriced “Goth” shirt at Nordstroms.
You can even tackle a pouty ball of French Hott that has a young Brigitte Bardot mouth that cries out for lickage.
But you’re still just Average White ‘Bag.
Pleasant.
Friendly.
Destined for Middle Management.
Monday, July 6, 2009The Earglasm
Official Nominee for the “WTF Douche Move” of 2009.
Sunglasses + Ear + Mandana = The Earglasm.
Stoic Brunette contemplates the crisis of modernity as I talcum her lower butt cheeks softly.
Monday, July 6, 2009Brothabag Leon Voted
HCwDB legend Brothabag Leon, who is increasingly turning whiter to honor Michael Jackson, has voted in the Weekly.
He voted for Knotty Hair Hott and Fire.
Have you voted yet?
Monday, July 6, 2009HCwDB of the Week
You think the fight against the hott/douche commingling is over? This fight is just beginning folks.
Put away your sparklers, your lawn chairs and recycle your empty PBRs. It’s the Weekly. And here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Weekend at Bennie’s
As Troy Tempest puts it:
I may have two dyn-o-mite babes hangin’ on my arms, but in my mind? I’M LISTENING TO DOKKEN!!!
Originally posted under the title Dehumanism, this pairing of sexy girls next door and dead douche on the dance floor deserves its own school of mock, so I’ve retitled it “Weekend at Bennie’s.”
Because any reference to 1980s Andrew McCarthy movies is gold, Jerry.
The girls are sweet and shiny and each are offering me their shoulder to gnaw upon. Which I would. Lightly. And then harder. And then awkwardly. And then they’d ask me to go home.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Tiki Douche
Tiki Douche has a number of quality components that render it pure in the hottie/douchey dialectics.
A smokingly tasty hott, innocent and with butt powdery quality.
A super-douche of forehead grease, wristdana, idiotic tatts, designer sunglasses and douche-pose.
And, of course, an angry Bud Light Totem Pole, bringing shame to Iroquois ancestors across the Northern Frontier.
Tiki Douche brings the lesser hott but identical scrotal move in Pic #2.
For her hot-pants and Cleavite paleness are vunderbar.
And Tiki Douche’s undies poke and belt-studs are verboten verkleinshmidt nacht.
Or something.
HCwDB of the Week #3: Morris
Morris brings an extra serving of what we term Douche Aura. The desire to punch that far outweighs the actual list of scrotal fungus he presents in presence of his hott.
The hott is also problematic. She is cute, but perhaps not enough to compete with the other hotts in the Weekly.
Then there’s Pic #2, where Morris brings annoying photoshop bleaching, annoying hottie Bleething, and a giant faux.
Even if Rage and Lust in the Time of Holbrooks! did amazing sleuthing and determined that Morris is actually last year’s Crawdaddy, I’m still giving Morris another shot in the Weekly.
Because I’m generous like that.
(Dis)honorable mention to Clubholio, the Greaser and Bikini Hott from ‘Bag / Nottabag, the Ass Pear n’ Hat Tilt and the Beauty and Tool from Skull and Douchebones, whose comments threads shenanigans suggested a takedown on the way and thus disqualified them.
So them’s your three.
Which pairing of scrote and suckle thigh rises to the top?
That’s where I need your help.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, July 5, 2009Vinnie's July 4th Fist Pump
So was your July 4th Weekend as fistpumpy as Vinnie’s? Fake or not, I can’t tell (betting on fake) but this dude cracks me up.
WARNING: As with most fist pumping Jerz Guids, there are no hotts to counterbalance the grease.
Sunday, July 5, 2009Vinnie’s July 4th Fist Pump
So was your July 4th Weekend as fistpumpy as Vinnie’s? Fake or not, I can’t tell (betting on fake) but this dude cracks me up.
WARNING: As with most fist pumping Jerz Guids, there are no hotts to counterbalance the grease.
