HCwDB
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Saturday, June 20, 2009
Ask DB1: Baby 'Bag Ribs
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DB1 –
Help. My 5 year old kid (white) is already giving hand signs, loves techno music and thinks any tricked out car is cool. This scares the shit out of me as he is already showing signs of bag development.
Can it be stopped? How?
Scared!
Mike
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There is only one solution, Mike. Sell him into the North Prussian white slave market.
Bedouin spice traders often conscript young apprentices to till the harvest soil, fetch rice bundles and stitch Nikes. You will get good price.
You should easily get 10-20Gs for the little one. Even with the tatts and bling lowering his value by approximately 10-15% in a deflated market.
Saturday, June 20, 2009Ask DB1: Baby ‘Bag Ribs
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DB1 –
Help. My 5 year old kid (white) is already giving hand signs, loves techno music and thinks any tricked out car is cool. This scares the shit out of me as he is already showing signs of bag development.
Can it be stopped? How?
Scared!
Mike
—-
There is only one solution, Mike. Sell him into the North Prussian white slave market.
Bedouin spice traders often conscript young apprentices to till the harvest soil, fetch rice bundles and stitch Nikes. You will get good price.
You should easily get 10-20Gs for the little one. Even with the tatts and bling lowering his value by approximately 10-15% in a deflated market.
Friday, June 19, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
As the douche smells hott ass, so do we all inhale whiffs of our own proverbial hottassitude on this Friday.
The first week of the HCwDB show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? is wrapping up on MTV, and I’m feelin’ good.
After so much work over the last year, your humble narrator on all things boobie/douchey is thrilled to see ISRGOWH finally reach the teevee. So far so good, but keep spreading the word.
Today, I find myself meditating on the arch of the young suckle thigh’s inner neck. It is tasty and sometimes salty. And I am also ruminating on how much I hate those silky, designer rapsta Yankee caps. For they are camel poo.
But finally, I’ve been thinking about the vacuous emptiness of Jennifer Aniston. Her eyes are dead. Like a shark. Hers is the blankness of a nihilist framework without meaning. An empty shell of Hollywoodified personality blank. She’s not a bad person. She’s just an abyss. But I’d still lick her boobies.
Here’s your Friday Links:
Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Paparazzo Surfer ‘Bag on TMZ.
Commando: Libya. The greatest underground videogame of the late 1980s. For the legendary Commodore 64. The entire point was simply to shoot up Libyans as they walked across the screen who couldn’t shoot back. It was sick and demented Reagan era crypto-fascist youth prep. Imagine my joy when I found a Commando: Libya flash simulator online.
The HCwDB of the Month is on Monday, but this coupling of hott and taint is the odds-on favorite in Vegas for the next Week.
Ed Hardy plague infects Australia. It’s like when Bart unleashed the frogs.
There’s even virtual HCwDB combos on Second Life.
Japan is being overrun by something called “grass-eaters”, young men who focus entirely on makeup and preening. Are they Japanese douchebags? Hard to say, but warrants monitoring.
Via the always brilliant The Daily Show, Long Island wants to secede. Nice trio of ‘bag tagging, Samantha Bee. If that is your real name.
And finally, for all of your hard work and to celebrate the first week of the show, here’s a double reward: Twin Ass Pear. Quality.
Friday, June 19, 2009Truly Douchey Jokes Vol. XI
So a guy walks into a bar with a tattoo of Middle Earth on one shoulder so he can find the one ring to rule them all, and a sexy Fran Drescher Hott from Queens on the other, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Wait. I think I just mixed up my punchlines again.
Stupid sugary HoHo goodness.
Friday, June 19, 2009Ask DB1: Smells Like Ed Hardy
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DB1 –
I was driving on I-95 in Connecticut yesterday when I saw a gorgeous hottie in the car next to me. I was checking her out when I noticed an Ed Hardy air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror.
Two questions immediately came to mind. First, what level of bleeth does it put this woman at? Second, what does such an air freshener smell like? All I can think of is a combination of sweat, AXE, and spilled liquor.
– Carsick in Connecticut
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To help explain the malodorous nature of Ed Hardy Air Fresheners, I’ve asked HCwDB Finalist Lumpy to come by and reenact.
Attempting to simulate one of our senses by creating artistic representations for one of our other senses is one of the most difficult challenges an artist can face. But Lumpy is a true artist. I think you’ll agree that if images could smell, Lumpy has, indeed, created an image of the odor you seek.
As to the Bleeth? Without more evidence, I’d say it’s a solid stage-2.
Friday, June 19, 2009Friday Haiku
Tattoo backed temptress,
Asher Roth wanksta doucheface,
Combined, make bad rap.
Geddy Lee gone douche
But let’s not “rush” to judgement
Ass is ass, my friend
— saulgoode42
Tramp licks her shoulder
“Color me badd” bag cares not
Too busy mugging
— Anonymous
O-town loser tries
To see past skanktastic’s ink
Home to meet mother?
— Hong Kong Douchey
two hands on ass pear
pursed lips, collar pop and product
douche leg between stars
— Scrotie and the Bandit
Thursday, June 18, 2009Translate That Tatt
“No M.S.Jerz.”
“In case of emergency, gel.”
“Confuscious Say: Douchey Guido should not give hard time to the tattoo artist when he no speak Chinese.”
“Her body makes angels weep. Why’d you bring her into the tattoo parlor, choad?”
“Kill Kirk!” and also “Hallelujah!” depending on the context.
Thursday, June 18, 2009Where's Waldouche? Bumper Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of healthy cheek and gnawable suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a douche-tool.
For added difficulty, his head appears to have separated from his body (and no, it is not photoshopped).
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Thursday, June 18, 2009Where’s Waldouche? Bumper Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of healthy cheek and gnawable suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a douche-tool.
For added difficulty, his head appears to have separated from his body (and no, it is not photoshopped).
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Thursday, June 18, 2009Barack O'Bagma and the Audacity of Collar Pops
Pop you can believe in.
