HCwDB
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Thursday, June 18, 2009
Barack O’Bagma and the Audacity of Collar Pops
Pop you can believe in.
Bucky Got Crazy Skillz
We first met Bucky on Monday, when we learned that not only did he have amazing 4-dimensional hat tilt, but he had mad game.
Now some ‘bag hunters and huntresses wondered if Bucky was really scoring with tanned and toned Kathy Hott, or if she was simply posing.
The pain. It is real.
Thursday, June 18, 2009Follywood Squares
I’ll take Jim Jay Bullock’s douchey brother and Daisy Buchanan in the center square for the block, Harrison.
pic 2 is even more chest-shavingly disturbing.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009Caption This Pic
The Waiting Room at “Dr. Bob’s Gynecology Practice and Early Indian Folk Art Museum” often filled up with some strange folks.
Hal and Kal Debate "The Horns"
Hal: Bro, it goes up. Like this.
Kal: No way Bro, it goes forward. Like so.
Hal: Dude, I’m telling you. You stick it up. And you twist your thumb back in a crazy freakish way to make it even more rock-n-roll. Like this.
Kal: You’re so wrong, bro! It goes outward. Like you’re flying.
Hal: Bro! It’s up!
Kal: No way, bro!
Kelly: Boys, like, I’m wearing a tight green satin dress, ya know?
Kal: Hush Kelly, we’re talkin’ here.
Hal: Kelly, will you tell Kal that the proper way to make ‘The Horns’ and be a true rockstar is to stick your hand out, like this?
Kelly: Like I care.
Kal: Yo, I’m tellin’ you. It’s up!
Hal: It’s out!
Jill: I’m out. C’mon Kelly.
Kelly: This is the last time I let you talk me into coming to the DeVry Summer Formal.
And…. scene.
Yup. I definitely need some Dunkin’ Donuts joe.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009Hal and Kal Debate “The Horns”
Hal: Bro, it goes up. Like this.
Kal: No way Bro, it goes forward. Like so.
Hal: Dude, I’m telling you. You stick it up. And you twist your thumb back in a crazy freakish way to make it even more rock-n-roll. Like this.
Kal: You’re so wrong, bro! It goes outward. Like you’re flying.
Hal: Bro! It’s up!
Kal: No way, bro!
Kelly: Boys, like, I’m wearing a tight green satin dress, ya know?
Kal: Hush Kelly, we’re talkin’ here.
Hal: Kelly, will you tell Kal that the proper way to make ‘The Horns’ and be a true rockstar is to stick your hand out, like this?
Kelly: Like I care.
Kal: Yo, I’m tellin’ you. It’s up!
Hal: It’s out!
Jill: I’m out. C’mon Kelly.
Kelly: This is the last time I let you talk me into coming to the DeVry Summer Formal.
And…. scene.
Yup. I definitely need some Dunkin’ Donuts joe.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009Calista at a Motel 6
We first met young Calista over a week ago in a skeezy motel room, as she was ignored by the The Sleeve Burglar.
Calista’s innocent, petite hottness, plus The Sleeve Burglar’s uberscrotology, earned the coupling a shot in the Weekly, where they came up short.
Then came Calista’s pic #2, showing her sad penchant for the Goose, but more purity of hott smile.
Now we see Calista settling in with a minor stage-1 Fratbag who’s on the verge of a nottadouche for showing appropriate non-douchey happiness at his score.
Meanwhile, Calista’s friend Ramona seems to have gotten stuck with the uber-guid.
Oh Calista. How I would slap a goat on an altar for thee until he brayed angrily. How I would lick thine ankles like a baby marsupial on Jolt. Ditch Fratty McFratterson and come to my abode, where I will ply thee with inexpensive fortified wine and Raisinettes.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009Live Long and Take Guitar Lessons
We’ve seen many hundreds of hand gestures from all the various categories of ‘bags macking on hotts that we’ve explored on this site.
But this may be a first.
The “Double Vulcan.”
Hipsterbag Harry isn’t the worst we’ve seen, but your humble narrator is back in New York, and can’t find his socks again. Sockless in New York. Not a good thing.
And Latina Spitfire on the left gives me a bitchy Eva Mendes vibe, so I’m going with it.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Guido Buttchinsky
From the moment his orangeness appeared, G.B. was a throwback douche. Classic 2005-2006 vintage Long Island Scrotitude. And his late-entry second pic showed even more chinfungal scrote.
But there was a problem. Did Tonya and her older-sister/mom bring the hott enough to complete the HCwDB? It was tough. But The Kitchenbag and Lumpy and Steph split the remaining vote, allowing Buttchinsky to take the Weekly with a solid win.
The voters speak:
Dr. Howie Feltersnatch: It is my professional opinion that Mr. Chinsky is the biggest bag this week. Guido Butt has quite the arrogant chin.
Reno Von Bergmann: GUIDO FTW. Even his taint is orange.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky FTW! Lumpy has the matching belt buckle and necklace but Guido has a triple match going on. Belt buckle, T-shirt and mandana to partially cover up his greasy ‘mark of the bag’. That’s enough to make him a shoe in for the weekly.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky – because when having an A|X belt isn’t douchey enough, he knows to clip his phone to it. Hott on the left looks like Eliza Dushku.
Medusa Oblongata: Purely on classic peacocking and ostentatious douchewankery, I hereby cast my vote for Guido. His roomy but seemingly friendly galpals are ignorant of the inner turmoil belied by his autofellating and insecure preening. They smile for the camera, unaware of the sinister orange tint that follows him, like an evil aura.
Katie: i’m a HCwDB of the week voting virgin but i just had to this week..the over accessorized long island guido, complete with the staten island mommy-daughter bookends, is clearly the champ. if i ever see this guy i’m gonna walk up to him a kick him in the nuts.
RAPETIME: And then there is Guido. He is the original vector, Patient X of the Grieco virus. As you can see from the picture, everywhere he has walked, the whole world has turned orange. He sports the traditional and ancient marks of his kind, the Chinstrap, Spikes, the holy Mandana. He bears the trappings of Armani Exchange into his daily combat with the world. This creature was not born but was spawned, like Venus from the half-shell, as a fully formed and perfect douche.
sir douchealot: Has to be Guido FTW. Every now and then we need a straight classic douchebag to regain our focus on the mission. A lower level douchebag does not gain points for having the hotter and less clothed hott! For looking like he drank too much Tang while wrangling Jersey douches at the local Armani Exchange outlet store during a hurricane (causing his hair to explode, of course), I say Guido. Tool.
Well said team, but I remain convinced that Tonya deserves better. She is damn cute, and points should not be deducted for it being Winter. A more flattering pic, and she’d be getting equal love to Meghan, and without the food-baby-bump.
Coming in a solid second, and nearly winning the whole thing, the Kitchenbag and his Preggers Meghan:
Patrick: While the douche is strong with butchinsky….they fact that there is a possibility that The Kitchenbag impregnated the lovely Meghan makes my insides scream with disgust.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: kitchenbag. for continuing excellence in the field of tat-shirt continuity theory
Tracie: kitchenbag FTW. The combo of 1000 yard stare, hideous shirt & tats, thousands of hours at the gym and that orange glow are just completely over the top of the douchey scale.
Scrotie and the Bandit: Highlighted fauxhawk, arm tatt with images from horror movies, textbook bag adornments (tatt-inspired T-Shirt and cross…), and a Hott with a baby bump wearing a party wristband! This bag has it all! Kitchenbag FTW.
Indeed, and the Kitchenbag will most certainly be seen at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December. Yet, even despite the A-List hottness that is Steph, Lumpy was too generic to take the prize:
JJF: Lumpy FTW hands down. Although Guido and KB are indeed prime specimens of glorious douche, Guido’s hotts are nothing more than PATH trash bleeth hags, and Meghan is a little funny looking and possibly preggers. Lumpy exudes an understated air of douchal sophistication that says, “I don’t need to try that hard, because Steph is so face-meltingly, unbleethedly hot and eager to get away from me that this isn’t even a contest.”
Massa-douchetts: Lumpy FTW – the dichotomy is too strong to ignore. He may not be as douchy as Kitchen ‘Bag but she’s way hotter than Megan.
True, and in a lesser week, Lumpy and Steph would’ve won. But this was one of the toughest Weeklies in… well… weeks. Vin Douchal explains why Mr. Buttchinsky deserves the win:
Do not deny Guido Buttchinsky a win due to the lack of hotts. They are both hot: Big Gulp Tanya is normal sized but looks big next to this skinny wimp and that’s not her mom. As any east coast dude will tell you, we don’t need a gal to be in a bikini to check her out, we get good at sizing up gals while bundled up in winter clothes out of sheer necessity.
I’ll take them as the bread in a Vin Douchal sandwich . Guido Buttchinsky FTW as he makes Orangina jealous
Indeed he does make Orangina jealous, well said Vinny D. Lets let the everpresent Anonymous takes us home:
Guido FTW. He is the reason I spend the extra bucks to fly into LaGuardia instead of Newark.
And for that, mark a slot in the Monthly for this Long Island Big Gulp of Orange.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009The RockerHipsterCreeperbag
Here’s a creepy Rockerbag spiced with a Hipsterbag. With extra creepy guyliner and hair spike to uncomfortable up your Tuesday afternoon.
Denise is sweet and wholesome, even if perhaps a bit too shiny.
I will accept her offering of white teeth and satin boobs, and will nestle in them with the contented sigh of a baby lemur who just discovered chocolate covered beetles from a generous German tourist.
