HCwDB
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Petri Dish
Oh, Las Vegas.
When the day’s HCwDB submissions aren’t up to standards, I can always turn to your muscley pumped up uberdouches and sexy boobie skanky hotts to fill the void.
For the Petri Dish of Nevada, the Hard Rock Rehab Pool, grows strange fungal mutations. That smell like Red Bull. And future joblessness.
(Bonus points if you can find HCwDB Hall of Scrote member White Chocolate.)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009Archie McScrote
Lets tally up Archie’s crimes:
1. Red elbow bandana
2. Holding Betty and Veronica’s drinks while blocking them from the camera
3. Annoying shirt
4. Tattoos of various song lyrics on his forearms in case he forgets the words while playing in the “Sugar Ray” tribute band, “McGrath Attack,” at the Sherman Oaks Galleria Mall.
5. A dead marmot on his chin
All of this taking place in a medieval torture chamber just makes it worse.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009Guido Buttchinsky Wants Your Vote
Guido Buttchinsky and Tonya want your vote in the HCwDB of the Week (see below).
They want it so badly, she’s crossing her eyes for luck and he’s changing his last name to “Buttchinstrappy.”
Ask DB1: Does Talent Forgive 'Baggery?
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DB1-
My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance. There was a couple that did ballroom dancing. The chick was Super Hott. The guy was Super Douchey.
This led to an interesting conversation between us. The culture of Ballroom Dancing requires certain elements of style and demeanor that are necessarily douchey. However, the guy was a SUPER talented dancer. So this led to the following question, and I defer to your judgement on this one. Can a man’s talent counteract his doucheyness?
Thanks in advance for your answer.
— Peter (Not a Douche)
Firstly, PNaD, the problem here started with “My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance.”
But overlooking that egregious cultural violation, this question relates to the Rockstar Leniency Rule (RLR). There is no direct correlation between talent and excusing douchebaggery, the two operate in distinct critical realms. John Mayerbag, to pick an obvious example, is unquestionably a talented guitarist. But his actions in the field render him scrote, regardless of his ability to play.
Similarly, anyone appearing on a dance show are similarly rendered ‘bag, or nottabag, based on their scrotal actions as a person, and not on their ability to dance.
If, and this is a very qualified “if,” their douchal spectacle relates to their theatricality, some leeway is granted. But if the talent and scrotewankery are unrelated, there is no forgiveness, and mocking must commence at once.
Ask DB1: Does Talent Forgive ‘Baggery?
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DB1-
My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance. There was a couple that did ballroom dancing. The chick was Super Hott. The guy was Super Douchey.
This led to an interesting conversation between us. The culture of Ballroom Dancing requires certain elements of style and demeanor that are necessarily douchey. However, the guy was a SUPER talented dancer. So this led to the following question, and I defer to your judgement on this one. Can a man’s talent counteract his doucheyness?
Thanks in advance for your answer.
— Peter (Not a Douche)
Firstly, PNaD, the problem here started with “My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance.”
But overlooking that egregious cultural violation, this question relates to the Rockstar Leniency Rule (RLR). There is no direct correlation between talent and excusing douchebaggery, the two operate in distinct critical realms. John Mayerbag, to pick an obvious example, is unquestionably a talented guitarist. But his actions in the field render him scrote, regardless of his ability to play.
Similarly, anyone appearing on a dance show are similarly rendered ‘bag, or nottabag, based on their scrotal actions as a person, and not on their ability to dance.
If, and this is a very qualified “if,” their douchal spectacle relates to their theatricality, some leeway is granted. But if the talent and scrotewankery are unrelated, there is no forgiveness, and mocking must commence at once.
Bucky Got Mad Game
Bucky got mad game.
Bucky can snag the Long Island Tanned Hotts using two, and only two, moves:
1. The badass black gloves. For welding, or for Running with the Goose.
2. Swivel Axis 10 Degree Hat Tilt.
Only the pros can pull this off, kids. Don’t try this at home.
Monday, June 15, 2009E-Blo Voted
Last week’s winner, E-Blo, his assorted b-list bar hotts, and his vacant stare have all cast their vote for this week’s HCwDB of the Week.
Have you?
Monday, June 15, 2009HCwDB of the Week
This is a deliciously douchey/boobie HCwDB of the Week, with three equally pungent pairings of the suckle-n-choad vying for the crown.
Which will rise to the top (bottom) of the boobie (douchey) universe? That’s up to you, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Guido Buttchinsky
An A-Lister in the classic Long Island / Jerz / Staten Island mold, and I do mean mold, Guido Buttchinsky is what this site is all about.
But what of the HC side of the ledger?
Tonya is cute, wholesome and drinking a Big Gulp. Her older sister/mom, is friendly enough, and has fishnet boobies.
But Guido’s overpowering Orangeness is so strong, so gel spiked, that even the background is turning orange.
A worthy Weekly finalist. But enough to take the prize?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Lumpy and Steph
Steph is one of those strikingly natural beauties who causes heart palpitations and gout in agar test samples.
Hers is the smile of generational conflict.
His is the greasy mug of tool-douchery that can only be explained when one realizes he’s wearing matching necklace and belt buckle skulls.
Repeat.
He’s wearing matching necklace and belt buckle skulls.
Toss in the drink + hand gesture move, his second pic licking a blonde, and an ownership embrace of Steph in the rec room of an abandoned YMCA, and even the elfstones of Shannara can’t fully explain this.
It is tripe.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Kitchenbag
The Kitchenbag is classic lazy-eyed scrotifery.
Meghan is china-doll porcelain delightfulness, even if it appears she may be, as they say in Indochine, “Plump with child.”
I, for one, do not think she is preggers. I think she has a food baby and needs to burp. But I could be wrong.
Meatwad may have gotten her in child way, through the sheer power of his ginormous tatted up, yet limply hanging arm.
Does that arm even work?
It looks like a dead kangaroo hanging from a willow tree.
So them’s your three. And what a tough choice it is.
(Dis)honorable mention to the Urban Cowbag, Pubic Enemy, and the uberhott swarm of nondouchey regular guys who won the lottery in nymphette paradise, ‘Bags / Nottabags.
I do not envy you this task.
You must choose. Which of these three pics rises enough to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, June 14, 2009Günther's Summer Holiday
I’ve run this before, but it’s almost summer, the HCwDB show starts tomorrow at 5:30pm on MTV, and I feel like grooving out to some Günther.
For Günther has transformed the HCwDB into the performatively sublime.
Sunday, June 14, 2009Günther’s Summer Holiday
I’ve run this before, but it’s almost summer, the HCwDB show starts tomorrow at 5:30pm on MTV, and I feel like grooving out to some Günther.
For Günther has transformed the HCwDB into the performatively sublime.
