HCwDB
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Saturday, June 13, 2009
Las Vegas Fried Douchebags
I haven’t seen that much grease since the KFC on Route 9 exploded.
But Blondie’s Fifth Element bikini does eleven my herbs and spices.
Saturday, June 13, 2009Hipsterbag Saturday
Because nothing impresses the Bar Wenches quite like chin pubes and Pepsi logos.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Random thoughts on this Friday as E-Blo’s vacant stare echoes the vacuity of our culture:
I have decided that there will be no more mocking of clueless uberdouche buffoon Arthur Kade on this site.
Kadebag’s riff grows tiresome, and his shtick is getting obvious as some form of bizarro narcissistic performance attempt.
This is not to say that he’s not a douche. He is a heaping scrotestain of infected ball taint. That is certain. Only that he bores me. So he’s banished. For now, at least.
Otherwise, your humble narrator is gearing up for Monday and the debut of Is She Really Going Out With Him? on MTV. HCwDB goes televisual, bitches.
Here’s your links:
As promised, a second pic of last week’s HCwDB Finalist Calista, from the Sleeve Burglar pic. Calista is curved purity of oceanic hotness in a sea of innocent powdered butt fantasy. Delightful. Hers is the smile that drives men to war, innovation and drinking. There may be a second girl in that pic, I’m not sure.
Our abstract signifier of psychoanalytic projection, the Ubiquitous Red Cup is getting a makeover. It is Dada by way of Duchamp by way of Freud by way of Kegger.
This guy’s homepage is so chock full of scrotery, one hardly knows where to begin. Except that if your parents name you “Trygve,” it’s like you’re doomed to grow up to be a punkass mofo.
Emory goes to Acapulco. And brings the Scrotestainery.
On an unrelated music riff question, did Nostradamus give us an exact date when Bob Dylan and Tom Waits become the same person?
For those who still haven’t seen it yet (although it’s been blasted on every media channel), here’s 1980s hair-douche Bret Michaels getting flattened at the Tonys.
And finally… for all of your hard work this week mocking choad and lusting hott… here’s your Friday Artistic Ass Pear, high culture style. Porn for Manhattanites.
Friday, June 12, 2009Fauxfliction
Smirk it up at the show tonight, Jimmy.
For no matter how much you rock out for Ilene’s amusement, tomorrow you’ll still have to take out the trash or mom’ll be, like, on your case all day.
Friday, June 12, 2009Ask DB1: Ancillary 'Bag Infection
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Dear DB1,
Is there a Greico virus antidote?
While visiting a friend in Wilkes-Barre, PA, we went out to the only drinking establishment within walking distance from the hotel.
I knew something was wrong when we rounded the corner and found ourselves in a herd of primping and preening baguettes.
We should’ve been wearing hazmat suits. I have never seen so many popped collars, shaved chests, bedazzled shirts, and fake tans in one place in my life. I live in Philly and you’d think my proximity to NJ would have exposed me to this level of man’s inhumanity to man, but no.
I’m afraid I’m going to wake up with bad highlights, too much eye makeup, and a tramp stamp. Is there anything I can do to decontaminate myself?
Please help.
-A stranger in a strange land
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There are a number of steps to decontaminate one’s self from intense ‘bagsposure, ASIASL. Firstly, since your email suggests you are female (fear of too much eye makeup and a tramp stamp) , you must immediately shower with rock salts and using a Swedish hott named Henriksa’s bobby socks as wash cloths.
That will cleanse you of the memory of this trauma. And give me happy thoughts.
Secondly, you must return to the scene of the crime. That’s right. You must go back. Once there, you must sarcastically mock from a reasonably safe distance. As a potential hott, this can easily be accomplished. Allow the virus to pass through you, but do not let it take hold. It can only take hold from fear.
Only when you mock without fear do the ‘bag/bleeth couplings become neutered and thus rendered a paper tiger. And by paper tigers, I mean boobies. And by boobies, I mean breasts.
Friday, June 12, 2009Ask DB1: Ancillary ‘Bag Infection
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Dear DB1,
Is there a Greico virus antidote?
While visiting a friend in Wilkes-Barre, PA, we went out to the only drinking establishment within walking distance from the hotel.
I knew something was wrong when we rounded the corner and found ourselves in a herd of primping and preening baguettes.
We should’ve been wearing hazmat suits. I have never seen so many popped collars, shaved chests, bedazzled shirts, and fake tans in one place in my life. I live in Philly and you’d think my proximity to NJ would have exposed me to this level of man’s inhumanity to man, but no.
I’m afraid I’m going to wake up with bad highlights, too much eye makeup, and a tramp stamp. Is there anything I can do to decontaminate myself?
Please help.
-A stranger in a strange land
—–
There are a number of steps to decontaminate one’s self from intense ‘bagsposure, ASIASL. Firstly, since your email suggests you are female (fear of too much eye makeup and a tramp stamp) , you must immediately shower with rock salts and using a Swedish hott named Henriksa’s bobby socks as wash cloths.
That will cleanse you of the memory of this trauma. And give me happy thoughts.
Secondly, you must return to the scene of the crime. That’s right. You must go back. Once there, you must sarcastically mock from a reasonably safe distance. As a potential hott, this can easily be accomplished. Allow the virus to pass through you, but do not let it take hold. It can only take hold from fear.
Only when you mock without fear do the ‘bag/bleeth couplings become neutered and thus rendered a paper tiger. And by paper tigers, I mean boobies. And by boobies, I mean breasts.
Friday, June 12, 2009Friday Haiku
PIC DELETED
Scary Jerz Nipple,
Meathead gets kissed in mall shop,
Bro pumps fists, not gas.
Tank top shows man-tit
Really gets his mom horny
Or he found a job
– Allah Choad
“Bros, do youse ever
feels existential sadness
when youse wit’ girls? Bras?”
— Mr. White
Oh, Brooks Brothers Hott…
Your Connecticut good looks
Deserve so much more!
— boatbutter
Can’t see much of Hott,
Other than poor taste in men,
And penchant for moobs.
— Amerigo Vesdouchey
Finally a dude
Gets good service from a chick
At the DMV.
— Zen Wizard
Mom helps me pack, and
welcomes the freshman fifteen
gained in one nipple.
-Chuck Choadelaire
Thursday, June 11, 2009Ask DB1: The "'Baggle" Defined
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DB1,
I have noticed that the Beach Bags tend to travel in groups. How does one refer to multiple Douche Bags in one area? An Axe of Douches? An ass load of Douches? A Six Pack of Douches?
Rather like a flannel of lesbians.
Thanks,
Peter
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Excellent question, Peter. As with a pride of lions, a flock of sheep or a stain of Ed Hardy, ‘bags have their own grouping terminology. The correct term is a ‘baggle. However the one exception to the rule is when referring to them as ‘bags. In that one instance, the term switches to a “scroadle.”
So you may say “Look at that ‘baggle of choads,” but you cannot say “Look at that ‘baggle of ‘bags.” Instead, you would say, “Look at that scroadle of ‘bags.” Or just run the other way.
Thursday, June 11, 2009Ask DB1: The “‘Baggle” Defined
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DB1,
I have noticed that the Beach Bags tend to travel in groups. How does one refer to multiple Douche Bags in one area? An Axe of Douches? An ass load of Douches? A Six Pack of Douches?
Rather like a flannel of lesbians.
Thanks,
Peter
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Excellent question, Peter. As with a pride of lions, a flock of sheep or a stain of Ed Hardy, ‘bags have their own grouping terminology. The correct term is a ‘baggle. However the one exception to the rule is when referring to them as ‘bags. In that one instance, the term switches to a “scroadle.”
So you may say “Look at that ‘baggle of choads,” but you cannot say “Look at that ‘baggle of ‘bags.” Instead, you would say, “Look at that scroadle of ‘bags.” Or just run the other way.
Thursday, June 11, 2009Rockerbag Head
When even Hediyah, the Persian temp from the office party, is pointing at your shirtless skeezosity, it’s time to take a shower, Rockerbag.
