HCwDB
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Thursday, June 11, 2009
'Bags / Nottabags
Dammit, I need these two tools to be douches but I don’t have the evidence. The desire to bite Ass Pear is certainly excusable, as it effects all of us.
Mr. Black in the middle is joyful and relaxed, with no bling, douche-face or gangsta hand gestures. But… is that a mini-faux?
There must be something we can pin on these shoe-scrubs. Help me out in the comments thread. Don’t make me give them nottadouche passes with that many cottony hot-pockets running around.
Thursday, June 11, 2009‘Bags / Nottabags
Dammit, I need these two tools to be douches but I don’t have the evidence. The desire to bite Ass Pear is certainly excusable, as it effects all of us.
Mr. Black in the middle is joyful and relaxed, with no bling, douche-face or gangsta hand gestures. But… is that a mini-faux?
There must be something we can pin on these shoe-scrubs. Help me out in the comments thread. Don’t make me give them nottadouche passes with that many cottony hot-pockets running around.
Thursday, June 11, 2009The Motivating the DB1 to Go Get a Coffee Pic
Your humble narrator on our hottie/douchey journey, the DB1, is sitting around on his stained rug and munching on a tasty bowl of Corn Pops with 1% milk.
I needed a coupling so disturing, foul and awkwardly confusing, that it would motivate me to get off my ass, go find my socks, and roll to the Coffee Bean for my daily Americano.
Yup.
Here it is.
Shirtless at the bar Pedro, and Vera, a stage 4-Bleeth lost to the Grieco Virus forever. Yet with shiny boobies that make me happy against my better instincts, since I know she is Bleeth. I’m confused, and so I go. Feeling unclean and perplexed.
Thursday, June 11, 2009Lumpy Thursday
Oh, long necked blonde nursing school swan-hott.
Were thee only to wear librarian glasses, I would powder thy bottom with spackle and glitter.
Oh, Lumpy.
Your lick is as unsanitary as your hair.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009Guido Buttchinsky
Everyone in the Jerz loves Guido Buttchinsky.
Even his girlfriend Tonya’s mom thought Guido was a slammin’ bro. Sure, date night meant he’d buy Tonya a Big Gulp outside the local mall. But Tonya’s Mom was willing to overlook that.
So long as Guido Buttchinsky wore that sexy combo A/X toolbelt and shirt, all was orange in Hoboken.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009E-Blo Thanks You
E-Blo wanted to drop by thank you for voting himself and Britney the HCwDB of the Week.
To celebrate, E-Blo’s found a bartender with some tasty Cleavite showing, and is busting the rarest of rare: The Double Mark of the ‘Bag on his forehead.
Fo’ shizz, E-blo. Fo’ shizz.
Nice hair tumor.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009The Missing Pink
Frost tips and the strangest shade of pink this side of Valentine’s Day aren’t what make the Missing Pink’s giant Randy Quaid head noteworthy.
It’s the clearest Mark of the ‘Bag on his forehead grease that we’ve seen in months.
The shlong-n-balls do not lie, Slutty Tina on the left. Be warned.
As to Tina’s mom on the right, hey at least there’s nice boobs.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009Men Without Jobs
Nearly forgotten is the 1980s supergroup Men Without Jobs, and their #1 hit, “The Safety Chin.”
I was reminded of Men Without Jobs when watching VH1’s I Have Comedic A.D.D. Riffs About the 80s.
But then I forgot them again.
Because Michael Ian Black said something stone-faced, and then awkwardly paused for an extra beat.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Electric Blight Orchestra and Britney
For Excellence in the Thousand Yard Stare, E-BLO and Britney were too stomach-flu douchey not to win the HCwDB of the Week. Even if Brit’s awkwardly posed and not bringing a-game hottness.
The original pic probably wasn’t enough. It was pic 2, pic 3, and the after the voting opened wild card of pic 4, that brought a Peaches-like consistency and took home the HCwDB of the Week.
The voters speak:
Anonymous: E-Bl-O FTW. Is there any question of his douchiness? The blank stare is not an act but a gaze into his soul.
Becky: oh, it’s e-blo ftw, all the way.. i gotta go with how i think i’d feel if i saw them in person.. he makes me feel like smacking his face and kicking his nuts just looking at him, while the other two would be easy to dismiss as losers…
Vin Douchal: E-Blo’s hair crimped off like a dog poop that freezes in place on a Minnesota winter morning followed by the sideburns forward sweep is the most unique usage of early male pattern baldnes we’ve ever had the privilege to mock.
Scrotie and the Bandit: For no other reason that the “not gravity defying hair” (i.e. obviously more product usage than 70’s Kiss) — E-BLO FTW!
Bunghole Liquor: The Electric Blue Douchestain. The doucheforce is powerful in this one. He must be trying to counteract some conspicuous flaw, like a squeaky voice, an involuntary sashay in his stride, or an inability to read. I would hold a door open for Britney.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: E-blo. i will send my resignation from humanity directly to him
Guido: Definitely Electric Blight Orchestra, all the way to Eldorado!
Douche Wayne: E-Blo FTW. His proximity to his hotts when combined with his complete lack of facial expression puts him just ahead of the Sleeve Burglar. E-Blo is surrounded by ‘tang in each pic, yet remains as unblinking and emotionless as an alien Grey.
Army of DOuche-ness: EBLO is Tighty Armani for 09, except 10x more annoying.
ehcuodouche: So E-Blo does not smile for pictures. That he ends up as a HCwDB of the week is testament to the fact that his doucheness transcends all existential phenomenon. It just is. Plus his hotts have the nicest e-boobies.
Luke: Sometimes the favorite is favored for good reason: E-BLO FTW.
Excellent evisceration and props to another great comments thread. E-BLO was a lock once his douchey face and various sweet cuties began to appear like ass pimples. Good work, ‘Bag Hunters and Huntresses. Coming in a strong but distant second, the creepy Howard Johnson’s party of The Sleeve Burglar and Calista Hott:
Wally: The Sleeve Burglar FTW simply because of the deliciousness of Calista and the lack there of with the other “Hots”.
jonezy: Sleeve Burglar. For I am in love with Rachelle- she is everything I ever wanted, except for the sleeveless pile of bored poo next to her. I would sit behind her in pre-Algebra and day dream of the time she glanced my direction as she gossiped about the Real Housewives of New York with her much less attractive but much more slutty friend, Amber.
Gold’bag: Crappy photography hurts this picture, but this is a winner. He is pure douche…but OMG Calista is AMAZING. For those of us who like unbleethed brunettes she is a revelation. Wish we could see more…looks like she has great legs. Calista should be remembered for the Yearly.
euripidouche: sleeve burgler wins on douche essence. the kari wurher hotts get me everytime. that and white skirts, its like if there were a moonie parochial high school and the girls wore skirts…except she wears hers longer than i remember catholic girls on the old port authority bus that carried them to high school and me to middle school and a lifetime of gas station porn three packs…i think i got every issue ever put out of “kentucky swingers guide” as the middle mag
Billy Jag: these 3 choads offer a similar level of doucheosity, so for the superior hott i must say sleeve burglar ftw.
I have another pic of Calista proving that not only is she of drinking age but is every bit as luscious as pic #1. I will run it on Friday. And coming in a distant third was the creepy and uncomfortable coupling of The Moozer:
Hong Kong Douchey: Moozer for the win. His douchey facial expression and hand gesture make me want to go ball-peen hammer on his gelled ‘do.
Something not right about that guy, but alas, I’m sure he’ll turn up again. This week it’s Zen Wizard who takes us home:
Blight’s same face expression is just the kind of “blank slate” on which we can pin the hopes and aspirations of a generation.
Well put, Z.W. E-BLO is the Rorshach Test of douche-face. We see what projects back at us from a society in crisis. And Brtiney is rather cute, it’s just a bad pose.
Chalk ’em up for the Monthly. Another solid round of voting, and I’m off to get a coffee at the Coffee Bean.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009Breaking: Kadebag to "Model"
Noted tit-pimple and online national disgrace, Arthur Kade, has been booked for a fashion show.
Archimedes looks at Kadebag’s nose and weeps.
