HCwDB
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Monday, June 1, 2009
Jar Jar Pinks
Because nothing says macho heterosexual quite like matching your girl’s sunglasses and pink color, and busting d-neck with shaved chest and faux dogtags.
This is Ahmed Worst.
Monday, June 1, 2009Stars McDana
There are two noted psychological responses that men who feel inadequate about their height tend to engage in, when trying to score with a tall brunette.
The first is to stage a coup, install yourself as “First Consul,” and invade the rest of Europe, before being exiled to Elba.
The second is a giggity stars mandana and underwear poke.
Monday, June 1, 2009Giger Abs
I’m all for working out, staying healthy and keeping one’s self in shape.
I mean, not personally. But as an abstract concept, I can support it.
But at what point did we as a society begin to celebrate turning one’s abs into H.R. Giger-esque nightmares?
I don’t know whether to mock this preening gym rat’s overly developed abs while macking on Brit Vegas Girl, or tape a picture of them to my Freshman year dorm room wall to show my dark graphic-design side.
Monday, June 1, 2009The Gator Voted
HCwDB legend and aging leathery British nutsack, The Gator, has cast his vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you?
Monday, June 1, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Seeing Eminem teabagged by Sacha Baron Cohen on the network of my future home brought me a wonderful sense of zen joy last night. Both Eminem and Baron Cohen traffic in multiple identity constructions, so to watch them collide in absurdity had a certain significance. Bruno’s butthole speaking eloquently to the chaos underneath the best laid plans of mice and networks.
Staged? Perhaps. But funny nonetheless. And the Ben Stiller tribute with Triumph, Kiefer Sutherland and Zac Efron was sheer genius.
It is June 1st. A new month. A new Weekly. My socks are washed and my coffee is relatively flavorful this morning as your humble narrator arises in New York City. The show starts less than three weeks away.
But before then, there are ‘bags to be mocked. And girls to be enjoyed for their unearned genetic merit. And away we go:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Milky McMuscle
A joke? Perhaps.
Like Bruno via Borat via Baron Cohen, is Milky a simulation of a stereotype of an echo of a putz?
Is this clown at a party impressing the ladies with some bizarro irono-baggery that is very much authentodouchewankerry?
Perhaps. But when the image becomes the real, we find douche.
I am pleased that Lithe Erika is finally getting the love that she deserves on the site. As pictured here and here, Milky Hott is a tiny, bouncy, slender bottle of hott water that we can all visually partake in drinking.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott, aka Friday Haiku
The ancient Hindu mystics would argue that 170 degree hat tilt actually forms a “third eye” upon this douchewank’s forehead.
Note the meditative formation between the large sunglasses-aided eyes and the half circle through the hat on the forehead.
Like Shiva before him, Ezekiel seeks spiritual guidance in the only place American culture offers it: Name brand vodka and overpriced articles of clothing.
And what do we make of tiny Chiquita Hott?
Her smug sneer and ‘tude suggest a stage-4 Bleeth. Unredeemable. Lost to the Douche Virus forever.
Yet her belly asks me to make “barrrruummppp!!” noises on it after drizzling honey onto it and sprinkling with a dash of cinammon.
And so we find hottie/douchey dialectic.
But enough to win the Weekly? We shall see.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tudo 
Tudo see?
Tudo lick.
This pic just missed the cut in last week’s Weekly, and looking at this skeezy Vegas licking of hott, I think it deserves its own shot.
So I’m throwing Tudo into the mix this week.
Some say Tudo is a famous MMA fighter. I say anyone who gets an arbitrary tatt crawling up their shoulder like a brain addled beetle deserves the mock.
And bald head + chinstrap.
Seriously. Bald head + chinstrap.
Nicole is sweet and lickable. But not by Tudo. For he is choad.
So them’s your four. It was a light week last week, so really no near finalists. These are your three.
Which has both hott and douche in unholy cohabitation to earn the HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, May 31, 2009Guido Beach
I ran this when it first debuted on YouTube, but then it got pulled. And now it’s back. So why not run it again? The last minute is sheer genius.
Settle in and enjoy a classic from the heart of the Jerz Guid, that, like Beetlejuice says about The Exorcist, gets funnier each time I watch it.
Saturday, May 30, 2009Ass Pear in Chains
This is a rather buttiforous pic for a Saturday.
But if you stare at it long enough, the composition begins to argue for an aesthetic artistic grace that is both profound and critically complex.
Ass Pear in Chains is both a celebration of the universalized tropes of abstract sexuality at the same moment it functions as a piercing critique of the enforced limitations of contemporary cultural habit. The framing formalizes the female body through intense gender stylization while critiquing the masculine gaze enforced and ruptured through the display of the female ass in the foreground. By hiding the female’s face while emphasizing the chain across her butt cheeks, Ass Pear in Chains operates as a critical social deconstruction of the limitations imposed by culturally dictated mores of sexual freedom.
The negative space on the left forces us to reconsider the female torso as alienized and abstract, a critique of gender and body. The background display of water and densely packed bodies function as pastiche of celebratory echo. The anonymous faces of our primary couple, shielded by douche-cap, suggest innocent, idealized youthful abstract amidst the forced objects of sexualized display.
Perhaps we should consider including “Ass Pear in Chains” as part of the HCwDB multimedia installation exhibit at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023, when my genius for reconfiguring image, gender and sexuality via simulacra in the age of spectacle is finally recognized by the academy.
“We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains. Chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment – in a word, Circumstance – and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain.”
— Mark Twain
Saturday, May 30, 2009Luigi the Scroteface
After a heavy night of drinking, Luigi’s scrunchy face feels like your humble narrator’s head.
Oh Jerz Hott on the right. You resemble the bitchy girl in Teen Wolf, and so for that, I would perform a cameo in the high school production of Gone With the Wind.
But only as myself. Not as The Wolf.
Because if the 1980s taught us anything, it’s that we have to be ourselves. After we pretend to be someone else, drive expensive cars, wear nice clothes, and bang the hot bitchy chicks. Then, we can be ourselves.
Friday, May 29, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
While the spectacle of the uberscrote will always deserve mock, let us not forget the passive “everybag” taint as we meditate and ruminate on this Friday afternoon.
These are the real Grieco Virus carriers of our time. Not just the mohawked DJ entertainers who get paid by the pud. The everyday wankstars. The average scroads who grab hott and sneer. For it is they who smell like monkey feces.
Here are your Friday links:
Congrats to Hall of Scrote legend Velveeta ‘Bag for breaking into the big time with his upcoming role in the remake of Land of the Lost.
If fairytales featured douchebags, the results may have been different.
Watch the boobies bounce. Choose your cup size and you’re off to the races.
Noted football uberscrote Jeremy Shockey visits Douche Mecca, passes out.
In basketball, the greasy “Birdman” in Denver infects his fans with the scrote virus. And speaking of the Denver Nuggets, why does their logo resemble the fascist symbol in Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”?
And moving over to baseball, George Brett is a Wonderful Storyteller. Who’s the pitchers in this game?
Hot Chicks with Stormtroopers.
Rural trashbag robs local Wal-Mart for twelve dollars worth of Axe Bodyspray. Busted for drugs, carrying a hand gun and “a 12-ounce bottle of Axe shower gel, according to police.” Of course.
Speaking of Axe, Southhampton Gets the Axe. It’s stories like that that make me feel like we’re losing the war.
And, for all of your waiting, here’s your Friday Ass Pear. It’s like a warm, glazed, Thanksgiving ham.
Go forth and celebrate, ‘bag hunters, huntresses and assorted boobie hotties. Your week was productive. And alcohol awaits.
Friday, May 29, 2009Ask DB1: Should HCwDB Be Taught in Kindergarten?
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DB1,
I have a son who’s beginning Kindergarten later this year, and I don’t know whether to include HCwDB in his curriculum.
Mind you, I’m not concerned with how developmentally appropriate your site is for a child his age. Rather, I have my doubts as to whether or not his brain can truly grasp the matter at hand.
Can a five-year-old navigate this sea of scrotal antimony?
Yours,
Marc du Choad
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No age is too young to begin training the art of douchal purge in the young male, and the art of douche mocking in the young female.
Ours is a generational battle. A call to arms. As the great German philosopher Jurgen Habermas once wrote: “The negotiation of power relations between dominant and subordinate in the public sphere require douche mocking and boobie lusting for true ideological revolution.”
Don’t mess with Jurgen. He knew what was up.
