HCwDB
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Friday, May 29, 2009
The Boatbag Connection
As Plato once asked his disciples to consider, so must we:
Which came first? The boat? Or the ‘bag?
Friday, May 29, 2009Friday Haiku
Grey Goose and Red Bull,
Fuels tiny Chiquita hott,
And Teddy the ‘Tard.
If she drinks all that
Her blood alc. will be point-eight.
Kill the pain, wee Bleeth.
— Mr. White
Red Bull gives you wings
Grey Goose gives you douchitude
Bleeth gives you the clap
— Father Guido Sardouchey
Please, Jules Winnfield, quote
Ezekiel twenty-five:
seventeen; shoot douche
— Anonymous
Tiny latin lass
Please beat Matthew Lillard’s ass
Bell rings- back to class
— J-Pompous
I want little Hott
Greg Brady’s Tiki Idol
Surfer Douche must find
— Anonymous
Ezekial 25:
17 Lay down vengeance to
this Douchebag and Bleeth
— JoMama
Thursday, May 28, 2009"His Sister Shaves It" by Jess
PIC DELETED
Reader Jess writes in with a rant about her douchey ex-boyfriend. I’ve rearranged the email structurally (but left it unedited) to create a form of outsider art poetry:
————–
“His Sister Shaves It”
by Jess
I think these photos speak for themselves.
This guy is a complete douche.
Wouldnt even have sex.
Shaved his back constantly, and slept with neosporin on his face everynight.
Farted when he DID have sex.
Farted when he ate.
Farted when he slept.
farted.
Drove like an asshole.
Punched his sister in the ass.
Makes NO money at age 27 and lives at home complaining about the generic brand of toilet paper his father buys.
Goes to the gym everyday but somehow gets fatter!!!!
his mother still wipes his ass.
His sister shaves it.
Please, I beg of you, put this up. I have been a fan of your site for a while and think youre a genious!
Yours truly,
Jess
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Cool, daddio. I’m hep to that.
Thursday, May 28, 2009“His Sister Shaves It” by Jess
PIC DELETED
Reader Jess writes in with a rant about her douchey ex-boyfriend. I’ve rearranged the email structurally (but left it unedited) to create a form of outsider art poetry:
————–
“His Sister Shaves It”
by Jess
I think these photos speak for themselves.
This guy is a complete douche.
Wouldnt even have sex.
Shaved his back constantly, and slept with neosporin on his face everynight.
Farted when he DID have sex.
Farted when he ate.
Farted when he slept.
farted.
Drove like an asshole.
Punched his sister in the ass.
Makes NO money at age 27 and lives at home complaining about the generic brand of toilet paper his father buys.
Goes to the gym everyday but somehow gets fatter!!!!
his mother still wipes his ass.
His sister shaves it.
Please, I beg of you, put this up. I have been a fan of your site for a while and think youre a genious!
Yours truly,
Jess
—-
Cool, daddio. I’m hep to that.
Thursday, May 28, 2009Ken and Barbie: The Scrote Years
PIC DELETED
I know Mattel’s trying to stay in the game, what with the Bratz dolls and all, but I still don’t see this update catching on.
Thursday, May 28, 2009Stage-1 'Bagling? Or Stage-2?
Kevin the Party Pud is pretty low down on the douchal scale.
Sure he’s jumped into a gaggle of Woo Hotties who are doing their best to ignore him. But seriously. Does Kevin really rankle?
Sure he’s got a silly camo hat. And a hang gesture. And he drinks Keystone when PBR is just as cheap and plentiful.
But wait… is that “chin strap”?
I’m going stage-2.
And I see each of you, Polkadot Bikini Baby Hotties. I will playfully tweak your ear, then run and hide. But you won’t come looking for me. So I’ll go home and watch TiVo’d Breaking Bad. And eat Malomars. And tell my roommate you weren’t that hot anyway, and I don’t care.
Thursday, May 28, 2009Stage-1 ‘Bagling? Or Stage-2?
Kevin the Party Pud is pretty low down on the douchal scale.
Sure he’s jumped into a gaggle of Woo Hotties who are doing their best to ignore him. But seriously. Does Kevin really rankle?
Sure he’s got a silly camo hat. And a hang gesture. And he drinks Keystone when PBR is just as cheap and plentiful.
But wait… is that “chin strap”?
I’m going stage-2.
And I see each of you, Polkadot Bikini Baby Hotties. I will playfully tweak your ear, then run and hide. But you won’t come looking for me. So I’ll go home and watch TiVo’d Breaking Bad. And eat Malomars. And tell my roommate you weren’t that hot anyway, and I don’t care.
Thursday, May 28, 2009Philip's Got MAD Game
It’s like Philip told his “Bro Posse” in the background. When you got the mad game, you just can’t help being the “gangsta” at the State Fair Picnic in upstate New York, near Ossining.
Sure, the ladies may be classic “Paid to Pose” promo girls, getting 10 bucks an hour to wander around in short-shorts.
But when you gots the mad game, they’d be posin’ even if they weren’t gettin’ paid, yo.
Thursday, May 28, 2009Philip’s Got MAD Game
It’s like Philip told his “Bro Posse” in the background. When you got the mad game, you just can’t help being the “gangsta” at the State Fair Picnic in upstate New York, near Ossining.
Sure, the ladies may be classic “Paid to Pose” promo girls, getting 10 bucks an hour to wander around in short-shorts.
But when you gots the mad game, they’d be posin’ even if they weren’t gettin’ paid, yo.
Thursday, May 28, 2009HCwDB of the Week: The Krackenbag and Candice
After an early surge by the Swiffer, the slow-and-steady Krackenbag pulled it out. A solid win for the deep-sea creature of Greek douche-legend. The voters speak:
The Douche of Earl: The Krackenbag. Simple as that. His orange ora and the vibe of I am better then you because I wear my silk shirt half way on. But more importantly his gaze into the cosmos; Flashbacks to earlier in the year when a man named Crimson Ted forever ruined life as I knew it. Even without “the point” he has CT’s gaze into space. Krackenbag.
Anonymous: Krackenbag. Classic self-important douche expression, and his hott is the hottest, IMO.
Douchetros Douchetros Ghali: Krackenbag FTW. Because he looks like the “Douchebag” exhibit at Madame Tussaud’s. And because he makes me want to read Russian lit in a dark, dank basement with a bare lightbulb swinging over my head.
Anonymous: Krackenbag. His aura of douche is so powerful that you almost don’t even notice poor Candice. That kind of power can’t be denied. Plus, he’s spawn of Porsche. A metastasized nugget of rectal cancer that has migrated deep into our collective consciousness.
Bob Vila: Krackenbag FTW. I know HCwDB recognizes choad-slinging in all its vile forms, but I’m a sucker for a traditional, Grieco-ed out douchescrote. And with the chinstrap, blowout, tweezed brows and muscle-pose, Krackenbag is that.
Anonymous: im voting Krackenbag. his use of the rare “too distracted by something else going on in the distance to even realize im being photographed” pose suggests a true mastery of the douchal arts
Medusa Oblongata: The thousand-yard, pretty-boy “deep” stare. The shirt thrown open in carefully orchestrated “careless” abandon. The chin strip. Anime villain spikey blowout. I’ll blame the orange hue on the shitty phone cam pic, but I’m sure he’s an unnatural orange hue anyway. Delicate tweezed eyebrows. And the worst part of all…his mediocre abs are being caressed by a sultry brunette whose huge doe eyes remind me of my beloved Anne Hathaway. For that, the Kraken must pay
Well said panel, some righteous smackdowns for the Flabio of Wankscrotery and his sneaky-sexy Long Island Iced Tea Hott. But coming in a solid second was the hawkbaggery of The Swiffer:
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Swiffer FTW! Krackenbag + 1 mild hott does not equal Swiffer + 2 much hotter hotts and 1 horse-mouth hott. Kracken isn’t good for anything. At least with Swiffer, he can sweep away his own poo as he walks and can scrape the ice off my car in winter too.
Anonymous: Gotta go Swiffer, that’s a lot of hotts, and a lot of not.
Margaret Gweed: I’m gonna go with the Swiff. He has a bit of a gaybag vibe, but even if he was, he’s so much of a tool he can out-douche the others in a hot second. He reminds me of American Apparel ads. He’s like a walking advertisment of “youth culture,” which makes you realize how vacuous and dead the scene really is. Swiffer Head is the logical end of counter-culture.
doucheifex Maximus: I vote Swiffer, for one simple reason: When he went to the barbershop/salon/bathroom, he told the person cutting his hair, “I want you to shave off 2 inches above the ear, except shave a wicked sweet star outline in it. Then, I want you to put the rest in a fauxhawk so big it can be seen from the space station.” Oh, and attractive females. OK, two reasons.
Solid arguments for the Swifster, but even three girl-next-door hotts and a late second pic couldn’t pull out the victory for Starhead. Coming in a sad and distant third was Melvin and Laura Mars Zebra Hott:
Count Douchekevitch: Melvin the Zebra and Laura Mars Hott. Because there are way too many hip bones showing (someone feed them both a whole NY cheesecake) and Melvin looks like he smells like ganja and fritos, while sipping bongwater through a straw.
It seems the sad white-boy status of Zebra didn’t bother the voters as much as it did me. And Laura Mars Crazy Eyes is delightful. But not enough to win, alas. The Bag Queen takes it home:
I vote Krakenbag. His vacant stare will haunt my dreams forever. He’s posing for the camera either pretending the camera isn’t there in an attempt to capture a look of “naturalness” or he’s staring at his reflection off in the distance. Either way, DOUCHEBAG.
Indeed, Bag Queen. Indeed. Excellent work all around to the voters, and lets chalk up this Douchemance Novel cover photo for the Monthly. His shaved chest and vacant stare will haunt our nightmares and curse our hopes for a better tomorrow. And Candice’s boobs remain underappreciated. C’mon people. Those are some quality boobies.
