HCwDB
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Caption This Pic
Coming up next on Survivor: New Jersey!
Having lost the Axmunity Challenge, Tribe Guidamundo will have to vote someone off. To relieve the tension, after two weeks without food, Rachel decides to play butt bongo with Kal and Morty.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009Ask DB1: Babybags?
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DB1-
You’ve talked about ‘baglings, which I assume are junior douches, probably in the teenage years. But what’s the deal with babies? Can babies be douchebags?
– Concerned New Parent
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Yes, CNP.
Yes they can.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009APwDB
And since we’re coming off a hard fought Monthly, here’s some AssPear with Douchebag to go with your Wednesday morning coffee.
HCwDB of the Month: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
From the moment this coupling of tasty Latina Orgaana and thespian frosted tipped taint showed up, there was no doubt.
With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, not even Lobot could stop this from taking place. The voters speak:
Justin: Crosshair Mc-J wins the monthly and MUST be a favorite for a 2009 douchie. This shiny headed tool has so many of the attributes that we all love to hate/mock, he is almost a fakebag. Yet, he does not jest. Crosshair McJohnson is very, very serious. Leia hott is by far one of the most smokin’ hotts ever to grace this site, and should also be considered for a ‘hall of hott” admittance. Hott, hott, and hott. In addition, hott.
Douchimus Prime: Crosshair by a frosted tip over Purple Lips
Your Average Rocker Douche: Crosshair. He is the douche Architype. Lea, clearly bleeth yet I would still drown an entire class of preschoolers while their parents watched just experience her ‘conversation’ skills.
Lulu: Crosshairs. Because when I see him on “Intervention” in a few seasons (you know it’s coming, he can’t fill that void in his soul with roids, black eyeliner and nail polish forever) I can say, “Hey! That’s the guy I voted for in the monthly!”
Anonymous: Rarely has a monthly been so clear-cut and obvious…Crosshair FTW. The sneer alone is worthy of the crown, and the ever-critical rage factor is through the goddamn roof.
boatbutter: Crosshair & Leia by two challa loaves.
Erin Hottavich: I have to say Crosshair & Leia – only because the ‘Bag reminds me of my ex (before I realized he was, in fact, a douche). She’s almost enough of a bleeth to make me quit my job so I may go forth on a mission to convert her back to a respectable human being… then I realized she is merely a drop in the bucket of sacrificed lamb’s blood. There is no turning back. It’s sad, really. So, I sleep… and pray not to dream of his tatts or her kissy lips… and if I do may I die before I wake.
TheShadowHost: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia. It’s that air of entitlement that seems to ooze out of his forehead, even his hair is trying to escape from it!
It was a slamdunk no-contest victory of poo. But Doughboy’s sag and Gidget’s boobs found support as well. And by support, I mean support:
saulgoode42: Gotta be Doughboy and Gidget. She is wayy too fine for his ordinary ass. I bet five minutes after this picture was taken she left him for a body builder or an architect or something.
portlandouche: I have to vote for Gidget. I don’t care who she’s posing with… I just want more Gidget, and others like her.
Gidget is most definitely some crazed retro pinup fantasy. And the ambiguously purple Purple Lips also found voters:
Emma G: Purple Lips FTW, for he makes my “purple lips” pucker in fear, tighten in revulsion and.. whatever, he is all that is wrong in this world. Orange pooey grossness. Yuck.
Anonymous: Purple Lips. Because he reminds me of Xerxes, and we all know how much of a douche he was.
And the Marsupials limped into Fourth place. Apparently, the Vegas choads don’t rankle like they used to. Maybe we’ve seen too many of them. So I’ll turn it to the everpresent anonymous to make the case:
Crosshair McJohnson because he sucks on a different spectrum than the rest. And that spectrum is poo.
Indeed it is. We’ll see these two in December as yet another strong contender for HCwDB of the Year.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Ask DB1: The Rock Star Leniency Rule
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Dear DB1,
I have a douchical dilemma that needs consideration.
I am in a popular band from the midwest. We are a relatively normal, reasonable group of guys, and with the exception of maybe one member, we are non-douche. However, most of the bands we tour with dress in outrageously douched-up outfits, including furry cowboy hats, guy-liner, and, of course, tat-sleeves.
Here is my problem: recently, members of my band have expressed a desire to up the ante in terms of “our image”. We already have great stage presence, but apparently it has been decided that we need to add tatts, mandannas, chains, fishnets, and a plethora of other addouchtrements, to really get that “rock star image”. Our drummer actually said to me, “dude, you should get those, like, herculean, leather arm-bands, man.”
So, please, help me DB1. How far can I go with this to “up our stage presence” without actually committing douchery? When does my original intention of furthering my own career mutate into poo, with a puff of axe? Does the “rockstar exception rule” apply here? I am beginning to think the I have an ethical responsibility to stop this. Thanks for any help you can offer.
–Rockdouchular
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Much has been debated over the “Rock Star Leniency Rule,” which I’ve amended from its earlier title, “The Rock Star Exemption.”
The Rock Star Leniency Rule only states that douchal behavior in service of performance and spectacle can be forgiven as part of theatricality. This is why The Black Eyed Peas, for example, on stage, are not considered douches. Nor is Nickelback, much as their music might gargle testicle. Nor are WWE wrestlers who get paid to dress like huge douchewanks.
Off stage is another question entirely.
However, the leniency rule is in direct proportion to the theatrical success of the stage show. If you are playing small venues, yet douching it up like John Mayer, you are a huge douche. Which, come to think of it, so is John Mayer.
Speaking of Travis Barker, I wouldn’t want him to be my wingman.
What? Too soon?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Caption This Pic
Okay, that last dude had a tatt honoring a dead soldier, so I’m taking him off. Instead, here’s a classic Vegas choad/hott combo. I open it up to you in the threads.
Here’s to gettin’ you started:
At the Vegas Cowpoke, Vince practiced the rare “boob fondle + half-assed hand gesture” move when roping his Cowgirl.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Ashlee's Spring Break
Poor little pillow-fighting sorority sister Ashlee.
All she wanted was to have fun on spring break. Instead, she met a parade of doucheclowns.
Like the Fratbags in the bars, who hit on Ashlee with gang signs.
Or the pimpsta wannabes with chin straps who bought her bottle service and then flipped off the camera.
Or the Jerz Guids with the blowouts she met on the beach.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Ashlee’s Spring Break
Poor little pillow-fighting sorority sister Ashlee.
All she wanted was to have fun on spring break. Instead, she met a parade of doucheclowns.
Like the Fratbags in the bars, who hit on Ashlee with gang signs.
Or the pimpsta wannabes with chin straps who bought her bottle service and then flipped off the camera.
Or the Jerz Guids with the blowouts she met on the beach.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Suburbz 4 Eva
Yo yo yo.
Keepin’ it real, Abercrombie Stylez.
You best step off, yo, unless you wanna get a Spaulding golf club through that Range Rover, homes.
These boyz will throw down, old prep school style.
And then their ladies will go shopping, yo. And spend mad cash at the Limited.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009Pugsley Addams — 'Bag / Nottabag?
An anonymous reader submits this pic of Jimmy Workman, the kid who played Pugsley Addams in the Addams Family movie in 1991.
The reader asks us if Pugsley has grown into a classic level-1 choadscrote macking on a Collegiate Coed or not.
Nothing too offensive for Pugsley here. Just frosty head and some bizarro tatts. But still enough scrotal ‘tude is present to be worth a mild mock.
Da da da douche. (snap snap snap)
Whaddaya want? Complex humor? The DB1 needs a coffee.
