HCwDB
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Monday, April 6, 2009
The Von Schlors
Uwe and Utte Von Schlor know who they’re voting for in the Weekly.
Even as the Tripods from War of the Worlds invade their club looking for choadscrotes to use as food.
Have you voted?
Monday, April 6, 2009HCwDB of the Week
The last Weekly before next week’s Monthly douche-off, so lets make it a good one. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Greazy-E
Hard to place Greazy-E on the scrotal scale.
He’s pumped up, greased up, shaved, has a giant mandana, and smug sense of entitlement.
But nothing beyond those signifiers to place him in the uberdouche category.
No kissy lips. No ridiculous facial pubes.
Yet he is douche. We cannot deny it.
Blonde has the arching eyebrows of nordic European aristocracy. I would share a laugh with her quietly over tea and finger foods in the West End, and then retire to the boudoir to dress up in leather and have her lightly paddle my bottom with a golf club while calling me “Guvnah!”
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jean Jacket Jerry and Cheryl
Jean Jacket Jerry is the type of douche we don’t feature as often on the site. The smug hippybag.
The Phish bootleg CD collecting mama’s boy who plays hackeysack and talks about Greenpeace, then perfectly coifs his hair to mack on the granola chicks from nearby Bowdoin.
For that his jean-jacket vest and tongue licking nastiness are to be mocked.
And Cheryl.
Megods, Cheryl. With hint of hippie-boob and 1970s retro hair, yours is the pouty mouth of a thousand summer swans.
You are a New England Clam Chowder delight. That rarest of rare. A gorgeous girl from Boston. And I should know. The lack of hot chicks in Boston is why I left as soon as I turned 18.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Primitive Marsupials
For dancing like kangaroos in the Vegas sun, the Marsupials are classic douche/hott couplings.
Are the hotts skanky? Perhaps.
But their curves are clean enough to cause dreams of moonlit lakes and long necked orchids and sucking on their toesies like a hungover lemur.
The Marsupials bring classic Vegas scroad into the mix. That “Buckcherry” doucheyness that merged with the Jerz Guid to form the global plague.
They are sons of Grieco. And are to be mocked.
(Dis)honorable mention to Phlegm Nation, which I eliminated due to featuring classic HCwDB legend and monthly winner, The Limey. Also to Anti-‘Bag Aura, whose hott freaked too many out (though I disagree), Doucheclowns in the Lot who missed out for the lack of hott, and Your Saturday Fratmunch who just missed in general.
Them’s your three.
Which one will rise (sink) to the top (bottom)?
That’s up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, April 5, 2009Chuggo
“Your mom’s box smells like a muskrat.”
Chuggo.
Huge slice of sub-Eminem copycat fraudulent poseur wigga douche? Or genius Andy Kaufman-esque performance artist?
Saturday, April 4, 2009Where's Waldouche?: Sorority Scrum Edition
Somewhere in this scrum of high quality Arizona State level collegiate boobie suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a guidic Waldouche, making the common “‘bag hand gesture with Bud Light” maneuver.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Saturday, April 4, 2009Where’s Waldouche?: Sorority Scrum Edition
Somewhere in this scrum of high quality Arizona State level collegiate boobie suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a guidic Waldouche, making the common “‘bag hand gesture with Bud Light” maneuver.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Saturday, April 4, 2009Your Saturday Fratmunch
Here’s your Saturday “Fratmunches mugging French Foreign Exchange Student French Hott,” to go with your Corn Pops and hangover.
I know it works for me.
Now untilt that hat and get back to your Writing Workshop, Kevin. Your T.A. is taking attendance.
Friday, April 3, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Economic recession? A new year? A changing culture?
Fish Slap scoffs at such trivialities. For Fish Slap’s chin strap, his 172 degree hat tilt and his b-cup moobs are 4 Eva.
It’s enough to remind us that while some things in life seem impermanent, transitory and ephemeral, other things remind us of a broad continuum of a larger humanity. As absurd as we can become, as radical alterity shifts our social strata, some things will safely stay the same. Even a mooby uberdouche like The Slap.
Here’s your links:
Ed Hardy now makes toy helicopters. The only things yet to be branded “Hardy” are butt plugs and plastic uvulas. And butt plugs are next.
Doucheclowns in the Lot Pt. 3. Yeah, there aren’t any real hotts in this sequence, but man alive, that clown personifies uberbag.
Seeking Roommate/Wingman (Hoboken, NJ) Bonus: He has a party boat “down the shore that fits 13 people and is equipt with a stripper pole.”
Minnesota educators want to ban Axe Bodyspray from schools. This doesn’t pass the smell test. I hate myself for having made that joke.
College Football’s Tim Tebow shows the faintest spikey hair blowout in presence of suckle thigh. Not enough to really be called ‘bag. But what the hell, it’s Friday.
Rcokst*r Inc. For when spelling correctly is just way too gauche.
And finally, while I don’t normally go for the Full Moon on this site, it’s been a tough week. You deserve a fully peeled Ass Pear (NSFW).
Friday, April 3, 2009The Devil Tans Orange
Courtesy of TMZ, the Oompa that is Valentino continues to spread the Gospel of Orange across this land like a skidmark on our culture.
Hathaway is halfahott confusing. At times she’s utterly delicious boobuousness (see 2005’s “Havoc”). At other times, she’s a bit too chipmunky to reach Lacy Underall status.
Friday, April 3, 2009The Miami Douchetini
How to mix the drink that’s sweeping the Nation:
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Mix in a shaker:
4 Parts Southeastern Fratchoad
2 Parts Sorority Hott Suckle Thigh
One Baseball Cap at 137 Degree Hat Tilt
Four pairs of Calvin Klein boxers bought at Macy’s
Two belly button rings
One dainty anklet
Stir quickly, while adding:
two tablespoons of L.A. Looks Hair Gel
Four Oz. Axe Bodyspray
a dash of pool water
Sprinkle with shiftlessness and too much Wii, and serve with a mint julep.
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EDIT: Art historian Reader Mike notices the aesthetic and formal composition similarities between The Miami Douchetini and Rafael’s “The Holy Family.”
Friday, April 3, 2009Friday Haiku
Friday Night movie,
“Night of the Living Douchebag,”
Filmed way too arty.
This is the angle
that God sees douchebags. Tender…
but still disgusting.
— Douche Unto Others
hott in Summer breeze
douche’s ears fan air on cleavage
but hair needs oil change
— Anonymous
Triangle of shade
Betwixt her boob and sundress
I would live in there
— Mr. White
What a wicked game
They play, what a wicked thing
They do – smell of poo.
— Crucial Head
Does she have dandruff?
I think I see white flakes there…
Dust on monitor.
— boatbutter
SLIC EOF CREAMY THIGH
OUTO FO FOCUS BUT PRESENT
I DREAM OF TARMAL!
— Flyteeth
