HCwDB
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Monday, March 23, 2009
HCwDB of the Week
It was a relatively benign week last week for toxic HCwDB, but three decent finalists emerged to vie for the Weekly. Since your narrator spent much of it drunken, unshaven, and stumbling around under the Brooklyn Bridge trying to find his keys, it’s a miracle he’s even up in time to write today’s Weekly.
But he is. And that foot is me.
Here they is:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bandaidto
Quality Alba Hottness doesn’t come along that often, so when it does, we should sacrifice a goldfish to Buddha and then flagellate ourselves with chicken feathers to honor her buttocks.
She is Latina Goodness.
He’s a gangsta wannabe with a bandaid that looks like it was perfectly placed above the sunglasses-at-night to achieve a level of authentic gangsta toughness.
For that, he is to be Hello Kittied somewhere in Osaka by a gang of Yakuza.
I have nothing more to add, except that it appears someone is performing a colonoscopy on someone else on the monitor in the back.
One should really wear surgical gloves before performing a colonoscopy on TV. Otherwise it sends a bad message to the kids.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Purple Lips and Carmen
Some argue the “Gaybag Exception” applies here. Gaybag Exceptions were a concept developed on the site in 2007 to describe the fact that gay performative douchosity in presense of the hott lacks the true rage-inducing dialectics since gay/hott offers no legitimate threat of hott pollution.
I refuse to grant the G.E. in this case.
Something tells me Purple Lips knows what he’s doing. The flaming hair, the douche-scarf + Rosary beads, and the table cloth shirt suggest too much clash to be authentogayery.
He is het. And as such, working the signifiers of gay subculture to achieve mass culture dominance, he is the HCwDB equivalent of the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Carmen is delightful, even with the cheesy hair extensions. She is bashful and bronze and I would fondle her best friend’s collection of vintage Cabbage Patch Dolls until she kicked me out of her house.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spring Break ‘Bag
This was taken by a reader, and it also features that prime category of ‘bag of whose categorization is the site’s main purpose.
So for those two reasons I decided to give Breaky and Captain Morgana their shot in the Weekly.
Do not underestimate the primal douche signifiers in this pic.
The suckle abs on the Sorority Hott. The dual hand gestures + douche-lips on the Fratchoad. Mandana. Jesus tatt.
All around a prime case of all that is douche/hott in the universe, and all that needs to be mocked.
So them’s your three. Which rises to the top? And by top, I mean bottom. And by bottom, I mean ass pear.
Dishonorable mention to Kurt’s Florida Tag, lacking only facial specificity to make the weekly, and the craptastic The White Shadow, which just missed the cut. Honorable mention to Hot Peeps with Peepbags, which was tasty marshmallow boobie suckle thigh goodness and fake yellow tans.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, March 22, 2009Samurai Scrøte Sunday
When Samurai Scrøte plays guitar, it sounds like this:
靐靐 漢字 白話 [白话 馬 靐靐
Saturday, March 21, 2009Haz Matt
Don’t worry, Cute Little Asian Schoolgirl Being Mentally Spanked By My Id, the asbestos will be cleaned up shortly.
Guidoverload
Yes the choad to hott ratio is radically out of balance in this pic.
But it’s Saturday, and your humble narrator’s cheap wine consumption as he chases indy art hotts across the East Village has knocked him off kilter. So this is the best I can come up with today.
Speaking of taint, is that Predatorbag on the far left? Get to the choppahhh!!!
Friday, March 20, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
The Lohan may be batshit crazy firecrotch ruin-your-credit-rating, but I would still nibble lightly on her middle toe with a touch of wasabi. But, regardless, her boyfriend is a huge douche.
Here’s your Friday links:
On Ebay, steaming piles of bedazzled rhesus monkey poo can sell for over $300 bucks. Get yer bids in!
Today in Florida: Spring Breakbaggery on the Beach.
The long running and always amusing King of the Hill had an episode where Bobby douches out. Ah yes, I remember when animated shows were clever and creative. Or, as I like to term it, the years B.S.F. (Before Seth MacFarlane)
Speaking of orange, why am I not surprised to discover some of the architects of the financial meltdown are also huge douches? I give you Angelo Mozilo, former CEO of Countrywide Financial. Who, in addition to helping to destroy the entire market-based capital system, is also an orange turd.
Caddyshack’s uberhott party girl, Lacy Underall, has her own website. Mmm… milfy.
It’s from 2007, but this article on Preppiebags in Georgetown is pretty amusing.
Your humble narrator is now on Twitter. I’m not sure why, and it seems pointless and self indulgent. But come hear me tweet. For those who don’t like hotlinks, it’s @JayLouis or something.
Like Lane Meyer before you, may you successfully ski the K-12 tonight. And land your very own Monique to give you language lessons.
And then watch a claymation hamburger rock out to Van Halen.
Friday, March 20, 2009Ask DB1: Does Vegas = Autobag?
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DB1 –
I need your ruling on this.
I have a trip to Vegas planned with my brother, who is 8 years younger than I am. He has his heart set on going to Rehab while we’re there, but I’m concerned about attaining douche status simply via patronage of that place.
Quite honestly, being 33 and married with two kids, I don’t feel any desire to go other than to view ultimate douchebaggery and total bleethdom in their naive environment. So, what say you?
– the motley douche
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Having made the perilous trip to the Heart of Doucheness myself, as detailed in my book, I can safely say that confrontation of the Source Virus of global douchescrote and hott pollutant can be participated in without permanent disability.
But be warned, TMD. The siren song will call to you, and it will be punctuated with cries of “Woooo!!” and a funky techno beat. Do not be swayed. Be strong of mind and clean of taint, and you will emerge unscathed.
Friday, March 20, 2009HCwDB Turns 3!
Ah, to think, when I first started my ranting at a culture gone douche, lo those three years ago, little did I know how many would share my plight.
It has been my honor and privilege to provide you with daily scrotes to be mocked and hotts to be celebrated for their unearned genetic merit.
This site has provided a needed daily therapy for me to rant against a fetishized cultural spectacle gone trainwreck. And also boobies.
But there’s no way I could keep this up without the regulars in the threads and the emails I get from around the world.
There are two major announcements coming for HCwDB in 2009 involving both TV and film.
However, as with the usual snail’s pace, I still can’t announce actual details on either. But very soon, my fellow ‘bag mockers and boob appreciators, we will be taking the dialectics of the boobie/choadey to the next proverbial level.
This should be an interesting year to say the least.
Now back to your regularly scheduled pooshebags.
Friday, March 20, 2009Friday Haiku
In Security,
Aqua Twins smell chin pube taint,
Kim wants to go home.
Wonder Twin powers
Activated a nightmare.
Need a real bouncer.
— boatbutter
chubby douche lives strong
security is his life
day job – mickey d’s
— Bag A
A dark void black hole
Overpowers teal flowers
The universe sucks
— IdahoHottPotato
Cross on belt buckle –
Who needs to wear a condom?
Jesus saves my wang.
— Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce
Douche clutches Aqua
Twin Coach Bag Force night before
Jen’s rhinoplasty.
— massengill
Larry thinks threesome
Is a possibility
Kim dreams of cheese fries
— Yahoo Scrotius
Thursday, March 19, 2009'Bag Aura
Here’s a great example of ‘Bag Aura.
‘Bag Aura is when the ‘bags in question aren’t objectively superdouchey, yet their affect in presence of hott creates a visceral nausea akin to eating rotten fruit, expired chicken, or anything they serve at Olive Garden.
This is not to say these ‘bags aren’t legitimately rank.
Only that their affect in presence of bouncy bikini is far worse than any hand gestures, bling or douche-face poses they offer.
The math doesn’t add up, and the remainder must be explained as aura.
Thursday, March 19, 2009‘Bag Aura
Here’s a great example of ‘Bag Aura.
‘Bag Aura is when the ‘bags in question aren’t objectively superdouchey, yet their affect in presence of hott creates a visceral nausea akin to eating rotten fruit, expired chicken, or anything they serve at Olive Garden.
This is not to say these ‘bags aren’t legitimately rank.
Only that their affect in presence of bouncy bikini is far worse than any hand gestures, bling or douche-face poses they offer.
The math doesn’t add up, and the remainder must be explained as aura.
