HCwDB
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Monday, March 16, 2009
Lime Away
Lime Away knows who he’s voting for in the HCwDB of the Week. Slender Red Blonde also has her vote picked out.
Do you?
A Bonus Award (a hearty handshake and a glass of water) to anyone who can tell me what the lumps are under Lime Away’s gloves.
Monday, March 16, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Okay, enough weekend malaise. We have work to do, people.
Time to fire up this oven like a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial. Bring the mock, my friends, for you have three finalists of which to choose as your HCwDB of the Week:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rancid Meat Fungus and the Porkchop Hott Attack
An overlooked gem from two weeks ago, I had to give the Rancid Meat Fungus and the tasty Porchop Hott their time in the kitchen.
For the douche side, we have standard over-tatted hair pouffed greaser Fungus.
On the hott side, a curvy blonde whom, despite not being caught in the most flattering facial angle, still offers much in the way of genetic merit.
Legs, thighs and wings. I would marinate each of her tasty limbs in a lick-sauce of my own making, and then nibble on her shoulder for dessert like it was creme brulee. Shoulder creme brulee.
Bonus douche-points for the reverse “69” stitched on the jeans. That’s like the scrotal “Mark of the Beast.”
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
I’m going with pic #2 from the “Crosshair with Leia” Collection, because it’s far and away the pinnacle of the hottie/douchey cohabitation.
Pics #1 and #3 can be seen here and here.
Crosshair is all sorts of confused heterosexual cooption of gay signifiers, from makeup to frosted tips to greasy forehead. Yet Crosshair proclaims his spectacle in service of the Latino Princess Leia.
As such, he’s gone from gay to douche.
Leia has abs that can crush walnuts and delightful cheekbones. I would let her read me The Bernstein Bears by candlelight, and then tuck me in to drift off into sleeptime after a brief 25 minute period of rhythmic thigh groping.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Lucy Braza Sleeps with the Fishes
It was hard to pick a third entry this week, as there were a number of competitors for the slot.
But when it came down to it, I had to go back to HCwDB basics:
Which douchewanks most deserve an ass kicking for undeserving cohabitation with a boobie suckle thigh?
The Fish Twins and Lucy Braza rose (sank) to the occasion.
I would pelt them with tiny Vermont Teddybears dipped in soy sauce until they cried for the mother they never knew, and then I would whisk Lucy off to my kitchen to participate in synchronized scrubbing and suckle thigh.
Extra douche points for the single button shirtless look on Fish #1.
Ah, Lucy. You are a tea time lemon wedge delight.
(Dis)honorable mention to near-finalists Beefy Cow and the Perky Mellons, Poolan Rouge and Everyone Doesn’t Love Raymond, all of which just missed the cut.
So them’s your three.
Which deserve to earn the first slot in the next HCwDB of the Month? That, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, is in your court.
Vote, as always in the comments thread.
Sunday, March 15, 2009Your Sunday WTF?
And since that last post was a little too heady for a Sunday, here’s your “Sunday WTF?”.
A girl-next-door cute gets mugged by… something.
Sadly, it looks like the fishnet arm was not a freakish invention we first spied in HCwDB of the Week finalist, ScroTep, but an actual trend that warrants watching.
And by watching, I mean commenting in a slow, southern drawl, “Son, you got a panty on your arm.”
Sunday, March 15, 2009The "I'm Getting Some" Defense
Much of the douchewank defense rests around the notion of an “ends justify the scrote” mentality. That if you “get some” as a result of clownish buffoonishness, then it is inherently justified.
This is the core concept of choadscrote defense that we, on our mission quest, must overturn.
Spectacle in the service of Ass Pear is not, in and of itself a justification. Ass Pear can be achieved without a turn to narcissistic brand-name spectacle. All it takes is a cultural shift. A revolution.
That’s what HCwDB is dedicated to.
By shifting notions of the sexually desirable into an unattainably symbolic “Otherness”, what Lacan calls the Objet Petit a, consumer culture fuels this chase for the unattainable through purchase of the brand-name object.
Ed Hardy, Affliction, A/X, Grey Goose, each of these products work to sell themselves as means to the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh to the Douchewank and, simultaneously, that if the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh agrees to boink the Douchewank, that she has acquired the cultural capital to validate her own hottness.
The products are the scorecard. Name Brands as hierarchy. Bodyspray as sexualized determinant. Jewelry, sunglasses, hair spike, all the costume of sexual validation forced upon us within cultural structure patterns.
This sexual dialectic has become inherently corrupted by mass culture. Our bodies have become the templates of this tug of war product inscription. Our eros forced to intermingle with market style branding.
So no, whether or not you “get some” does not validate participation in the systemic corruption of intimacy into the culturally validated media spectacle. The means do not justify the ends.
Even if the ends are a luciously pluckable Ass Pear.
Sunday, March 15, 2009The “I’m Getting Some” Defense
Much of the douchewank defense rests around the notion of an “ends justify the scrote” mentality. That if you “get some” as a result of clownish buffoonishness, then it is inherently justified.
This is the core concept of choadscrote defense that we, on our mission quest, must overturn.
Spectacle in the service of Ass Pear is not, in and of itself a justification. Ass Pear can be achieved without a turn to narcissistic brand-name spectacle. All it takes is a cultural shift. A revolution.
That’s what HCwDB is dedicated to.
By shifting notions of the sexually desirable into an unattainably symbolic “Otherness”, what Lacan calls the Objet Petit a, consumer culture fuels this chase for the unattainable through purchase of the brand-name object.
Ed Hardy, Affliction, A/X, Grey Goose, each of these products work to sell themselves as means to the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh to the Douchewank and, simultaneously, that if the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh agrees to boink the Douchewank, that she has acquired the cultural capital to validate her own hottness.
The products are the scorecard. Name Brands as hierarchy. Bodyspray as sexualized determinant. Jewelry, sunglasses, hair spike, all the costume of sexual validation forced upon us within cultural structure patterns.
This sexual dialectic has become inherently corrupted by mass culture. Our bodies have become the templates of this tug of war product inscription. Our eros forced to intermingle with market style branding.
So no, whether or not you “get some” does not validate participation in the systemic corruption of intimacy into the culturally validated media spectacle. The means do not justify the ends.
Even if the ends are a luciously pluckable Ass Pear.
Saturday, March 14, 2009Hot Chick (with a Douchebag)
HCwDB’s very own Vinnie Scumbaglia has produced an epic musical anthem for our generation:
Zappa-esque genius, I am honored, sir.
Enjoy!!
Friday, March 13, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
I’m debating whether I want to go to the theaters tonight to see Tyler Perry’s House of Racism.
Or maybe I’ll stay home and rent Tyler Perry’s Crossdressing Gender Stereotypes About Overweight Black Women.
Or maybe I’ll wait a month for Tyler Perry’s Please Don’t Realize Eddie Murphy Did This Shtick Infinitely Better Twenty-Five Years Ago.
Here’s your links:
The “Shocker” hand gesture makes it all the way down to a “Boobs on Bikes” parade in New Zealand. Brett? Check. Jermaine? Check.
Witness The Douche Pie-Slap. Which is actually pretty hilarious, and earns the Fratturd some props for creativity.
The Cultural Plague that is “Ed Hardy” is now an “celebrity” energy drink. And bedsheets too???
The Mayerbag continues fruitless quest to date his own ego.
Why does steam come out of her vagina? Yahoo Answers has the answer.
More pics of Orange Jeter’s Cynthia over at Barstoolsports.com, where they apparently call her by her real name. Pshaw. No real names in the simulacrum, people. No need. They are all phantasms of projection, pure spectrality and without corporeality.
They’re remaking the greatest Harlem Kung-Fu epic of all time, The Last Dragon and considering famed abuse victim Rihanna to play the Vanity role. Another piece of my childhood shrivels up and dies.
The real Sho’Nuff will rule forever.
Friday, March 13, 2009Breaking: Guy Fieri is Still a Douche
Future fry cook at Venus, Guy Fieri, was given an honorary Douchebag on the Month already.
This post is to confirm that he is still a huge heaping douche. This time in the presence of a bouncy, if slightly milfy, brunette cute.
Further proof: His ironic use of a Gweedo shirt.
Friday, March 13, 2009Alberto Sez…
Yo.
Dese chicks is fine.
Denise likes my parent’s Porsche, and Alyssa’s got the slammin’ rack to match that Red Cup she’s holdin’.
But me? Ise got more important things to do.
Like contemplate the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, yo. Because that cat could be alive AND dead at the same time, knawwasayin’? That shizz is dope!!
Friday, March 13, 2009Friday Haiku
Pepe got four rings, man.
Life is so very much better,
than in San Juan.
Blond wants to meet band,
Papa Roach rodie says, “No
head no backstage pass!”
— Maximus Douchemus Meridius
Delicious Katie,
Summer fun comes crashing down
When test results come.
— boatbutter
girl next door hottness
must have to pay her a lot
to pose with douchewank
— Bag A
Pedro loves his job
Alpha Chi out on the town
Pre-kidnapping pic
— Yahoo Scrotius
Former champion
Thumb wrestler shows battle wound
That ended career.
— Crucial Head
