HCwDB

    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    Meghan’s ‘Bag Tag

    PIC DELETED

    Meghan writes in:

    —
    these guys thought they were the sh@t… then one almost dropped me putting me down! my head came about 2 inches from smacking the ground! then he proceeded to text me all night long
    —-

    Although this email is brief, has no introduction nor context, and seems to just stop randomly in mid-sentence, the point Meghan is making is important.

    The classic “drop on ground then text all night long” strategy is frequently seen in the stage-1 Fratbag.

    You did well to escape from Lurch and The Boobie Pawer, Meghan. Now stop hanging out with your BFF by the power lines.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    get into energy FREE

    Text DOUCHEBAG to 867-5309.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    Ask DB1: The Douchebaguette

    —-
    Greetings, oh-wise DB1

    Ah shit, i don’t have 1/10 the poetic prowess of yourself to help me write this suggestion but that’s better so as not to waste your time…if you’re not wasting it for a change lol

    Anyway, it appeared to me as i’m skimming through the previous posts and laughing my ass off that some of the chicks actually look more douchier than the douche in-question himself!

    Therefore it is my humble suggestion to your greatness, as a student of economics, to expand our potential douche-put to include female douchebags!

    Yours truly;
    Egyptian Alter-douche xD
    —-

    Many emails ask about the ‘Baguette, aka “The Bleeth,” and because I tend not to focus my pics on them, there is often curiosity if this category has been covered on the site and in the book.

    It has.

    The Douchebaguette is indeed the great scrotal reaction of our time. Too much exposure to clownish showboating performative douchewanks, and the ‘baguette becomes what she beholds.

    But stage 1 and stage 2 Bleeths can still be saved. By which I mean awkwardly humping their pillow while they’re on the phone with their BFF in the other room, then leaving to go get more beer and finding out she won’t buzz you back up so you just standing there on the sidewalk watching her neighbor walk his Rottweiler.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    Jus Liv'n Arg


    Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.

    You bad, Young Wayne Newton.

    Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    Jus Liv’n Arg


    Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.

    You bad, Young Wayne Newton.

    Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    Tuesday Pop Quiz


    Beach bling is to Bikini Boobies as:

    a) Rock salt is to snow
    b) Ed Hardy is to Western Civilization
    c) VH1 is to television
    d) Ryan Seacrest is to original thought and philosophic undertaking
    e) Baby Momma Tatts are to upper chest areas

    Answer now.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    The Kettlehead


    Tony knew that when macking on an Italian Hott (while deftly ignoring her less attractive best friend), nothing slayed quite like his patented Kettlehead look.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 26, 2009

    Ask DB1: Facial Hair Trouble


    Female reader A writes in:

    —-
    Dear DB1,

    I stand in need of your counsel. My significant other is contemplating shaving his normal, neat beard into something “trendier.” All his ideas scream “douchebag!” to me. While he is not at all douchey, I shudder at the idea of a boyfriend with a chin strap and goatee. Please share examples of ‘bags with gross facial hair so I can properly show him what I’m trying to avoid.

    Help me, Douchebag1. You’re my only hope.

    Yours,

    A
    —-

    To help you out with this conundrum, A, the legendary Cro ‘Bagnon decided to stop by and say Unnnnghhrrrrrrgghhhhhh.

    Which, roughly translated, means, “The detailed sculpting of facial hair pattern is performed by only the choadiest of douchewankers, therefore if your significant other chooses such an undertaking, he is, in fact, a smelly scrotemunch.”

    Listen to Cro ‘Bagnon, A. For he knows of what he speaks.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 26, 2009

    The Scissors Mafia

    PIC DELETED

    Do not mess with a member of the Scissors Mafia. For in a recent rumble, they handily defeated the Paper Mafia.

    However, they have yet to handily defeat the Rock Mafia.

    Future events will determine the true winner, after a count of “one, two, three, shoot.”

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 26, 2009

    Knawhessayin?


    Yo.

    Knawheesayin, yo?

    It’s like, yo. Thass what he talkin’ about, yo.

    Khawwheemean?

    Boobies.

    # posted by douchebag1
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