HCwDB
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Thursday, September 11, 2008
Bastian
I’m pretty sure that in The Neverending Story version that I remember, Bastian does not save the Empress Moon Child by turning himself orange and making the Kissy Lips.
Maybe this is the updated version.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008New, From Kenner
I can’t tell why this pic unnerves me so.
It’s like my childhood action figures came to life, and one of them turned into an oily, pumped up douchewank.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Where’s the hand gestures? Where’s the overdone tatts? What makes Action Figure Ken so unnerving?
Again, this is Douche Aura. You just know, in your heart of hearts, that this guy suckles Alpaca teat.
Oh, Jenny. Your sharp, angular curves warm my fireplace on cold, wintery nights. Your smile and retro mid 90s roots showing Melrose Place angst would spank me like the naughty chocolate stealing child that I once was, and still long to be.
I would revel in your overachieving, highly ambitious, yet sexually cold and emotionally dysfunctional ways, like a drunk koala on no-doze.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008Ask DB1: Douche Aura
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Dear DB1,
While strolling through myspace on a tagging expedition, I stumbled across the attached photo. The bag(?) in question displays only a small number of the telltale signs of a douche. But my question is, if said signs are glaring enough, can one fairly call him a scrote on these merits alone?
He’s got the overly-serious-despite-being-wrapped-around-a-hot look, the ridiculous ‘flavor saver,’ and some obnoxiously large douche shades. I also feel that from what can be seen of their surrounding, this pairing seems to be smack in the middle of prime douche/hott mating grounds. So what’s the verdict? ‘Bag, or not ‘bag?
Thanks,
-A Rookie ‘Bag Hunter
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The issue you’re bringing up is what we call “Douche Aura,” ARBH. The moment when the sum total of douchuous essence rises above the physical manifest of uberchoadosity as presented in the structural signifiers within the cultural markers of scrotepoo.
Douche Aura is the subjective. It is located outside of taxonomic quantification. Like Roland Barthes’s notion of the Punctum, Douche Aura summons a subjective experience in each viewer that is rendered unique in relation to each of our experiences with Douchal Plague. These responses are not objectively measurable, but still legitimate.
In short, this man is choad. And she is hott.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008Four Points
Great Googley Moogley.
I’m being pointed at on so many levels.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008Sideburn Harry
Back when I was in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois, we used to have a term for guys like this.
That term was douche.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008HCwDB of the Week: X-Lax
I had a feeling this week would be a domination by the orange suppository, and I was correct. douchey fogledouche explains:
The vote has to be for X-Lax. It’s a simple matter of completeness. While Megahead and Corey Hamster are serious contenders, they can’t complete with the completeness of X-Lax’s douchery.
It’s like he came up with a list to take with him to the douche Stop’n’Shop to pick up what he needs.
Douchey hair — check. Douchey look — check. Exotic hotts — check, check. Douche hand signal — check, check. Possessive arm grab of hotts — check, check. Gratuitous alcohol flaunt — check. General Douche Je ne sais quoi — check
So it’s X-Lax, for his careful attention to douche detail.
Well checklisted, Fogledouche. Didn’t Opus’s hot girlfriend have a tattoo of you on her butt? But back to X-Lax. douchington chodeskins tosses the pigskin and agrees:
X-lax … and it’s a joke that there even had to be a question about it. He has the other 2 out-douched by 78 clicks … and by clicks I mean orange.
Well put, D.C. bagnes of God agrees, making the case for the diuretics:
Sheer ubiquitousness of this asspipe make me want to vote for him, not to mention that blubbery, slack lower lip that I would love to snag with a four-pronged Dixie Jet from a fast-moving bass boat. The Hotts, while beginning to Bleeth, still have potential to be saved, and, sans ghoul makeup and laquer-head are still some pretty girls. However, they are tangled in this insidious web of doucherey, falling into the cheap vodka-scented hell of orange-spray-tanland and loving it. While I was really pulling for Cheeks, I’d have to say X-Lax certainly moves me in ways I don’t really like. Shoulda put less imitation butter flavoring on that popcorn last night…
I agree that The Cheeks had the uberdouche factor, but something was just a bit too creepy about them to give them Weekly status. However, Corey Hamster also found some votes, as cleopatra argues:
Corey Hamster. For that stupid “I take myself very seriously” face. The others are also very douchy. But the Hamster’s facial expression puts him over the top.
Well put, Cleo. the lone scroat agrees:
The Hamster, FTW. Fuchsia hott is smokin’ and his collar is wider than the wingspan of a 747.
And mr. biggs finds deep scrotal wrongness beneath the comedic veneer of Megahead, as did a number of other ‘bag hunters:
If we go by the rubric of hottie which attracts all humanity clinging onto a douche nobody cares for or respects, it would have to be Megahead FTW, followed by Hamster for a close second. This is because Hamster looks redeemable. Not the douche (though he’s still young) but the hott – she doesn’t look so attached, like she just keeps him around while looking around for something better.
Contrast that with megahead, where the hott is definitely showing signs of engagement, pressing such perfect cleavage firmly against old man flab. I think this is the last thing Oedipus really saw before he gouged his eyes out.
There is a very good chance The Hamster inspired many a Greek tragedy. But this was a stool softening domination.
douche douschofferson brings the 70s singer/songwriter ethos to the next level: X-LAX gets my emphatic vote.
odouchius: X-lax, because he makes it look easy. Even while ensnaring two sorority hotts and simultaneously throwing out dual hand gestures, there is no hint of tension or self doubt on that punchably perfect orange douch
scrotebob douchepants: Orange is enough to take the Weekly. X-Lax for the win. He’s the guy even I would have avoided in college.
And dunkterdouche brings home the solid victory:
There is just no contest here. X-Lax for the win. His body of work shows a transcendence form mere scrtoebaggerty into full blown Douchebaggery of the 3rd Kind. Throughout his body of work we see the most important hallmarks of a bag. From the tongue, the white tie all the way to the dealmaker, the kissy lips.
He makes me want to implement a national sterilization program.
Well said, DD. I was surprised at the Pedro fans, as he struck me as standard issue (and without hand gesture or sneer), but his hott was delectable. Maybe I’ll toss Pedro in next week’s Weekly, to give him his due. And by due, I mean poo.
But this is X-Lax’s day to shine like a polished turd. Chalk him and his bevy of rotating college hotts a slot in the Monthly. They’ve earned it.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008The DeVry Three Year Reunion Contd.
Looks like I cut out of that DeVry Technical Institute Reunion just a tad early. Before things really got off tha hook.
You go with your bad self, Tony. That subtle three tiered hair fade is way classy.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008The Mugging
There are many laws on the books protecting an individual from both civil and criminal violation by a Douchescrote Posse.
Punishments vary, but judges tend to be especially harsh when the victim in question is a boobie hottie suckle thigh.
But those laws don’t go far enough.
I’m advocating we bring back the leeches.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008The Great White North
Come to the Great White North!
Play some hockey.
Enjoy the crisp, rain soaked, pollution free air.
Experience the beauty of natural forests and sequoia trees.
Watch as a douche-clown makes the douche-face while getting double kissed by the side of the road in rural Washington State.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008Caption This Pic
The Hoboken “Class of 2005 DeVry Technical Institute” Three Year Reunion was sparsely attended, and Joey totally cleaned up.
