HCwDB
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
DJ Bello Needs Some Lovin'
Our second installment of the DJ Bello YouTube Series marking the End of Civilization as We Know It is a litmus test for the stamina of even the most experienced douche hunter.
Use the following time chart, marked by when you can take no more of this atrocity, to determine your Douchal Tolerance Level:
00:00-00:30 — Level 1 Entry Level ‘Bag Hunter
00:30-01:05 — Level 2 — Moderate to Advanced ‘Bag Hunter
01:05-:01:35 — Well trained, if masochistic, Advanced Level ‘Bag Hunter
01:35-02:0 — Megods, how are you still breathing?
01:35-02:24 — Get thee to a hospital, you are now sterile
'Bag / Not a 'Bag
Yeah, Timmy’s grinning it up, has on a stupid mandana + hair spike and is awkwardly trying to flash his allegiance to African-American gangs signs originally meant to mark territory in Compton.
But he just seems so… happy to be there.
I can’t call douche on him. I just can’t. So I thought I’d open it up to the floor.
Is Timmy ‘bag? Or nottabag?
Sue-Ellen has the hopeful smile, shining white teeth, elegant Prell scented hair sheen and hint of curvy boobage that causes men to go insane, claw out their eyeballs, swallow their tongues, and start wars. Sue-Ellen’s smile offers the promise that we can forget about our own flaws and inadequacies for a fortnight, and fulfill all the unfulfilled promise of our childhood. By suckling on her clavicle.
Monday, September 8, 2008Where's Waldouche: "Ex Hang" Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of tri-hott tips featuring the most perfectly designed blue dress hott since late 90s Dawson’s Creek Michelle Williams, I’ve placed an Ex Hang.
Look closely.
Can you kick him in the nads for making a hand gesture while holding a pack of smokes?
Monday, September 8, 2008Natasha Minx Gets Spanked
There’s definitely a backstory to this pic of an elegant brunette with suckable forearms getting spank interrogated by the Russian mob in a basement outside of Volgograd while DJ Scrotey Scrote poses with full on Yankee tilt.
What that backstory is is anyone’s guess.
My money is that it involves stolen microfiche, a crucial game of bacharach and sixteen penguins named Tom.
Yup. Not making sense.
Need a coffee.
Monday, September 8, 2008Criss Cross'll Make Ya Dump
Famed prestidouchitator Criss Angel knows who he’s voting for in the Weekly. Do you?
Monday, September 8, 2008HCwDB of the Week
Last week I was tense with anticipation over the impending release of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I can safely report that it was everything I hoped it would be. And everything I dreamed it would offer.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Megahead
Megahead brings the laugh factor, and an unusually high quality (if stage-3 Bleethed) hott. But is he a threat?
Judging by the eye makeup, Megahead may bat for the home team, which tends to be a disqualifier for HCwDB toxicity. But it’s hard to say.
The cuddle, the fwippy hair, the hint of chin fung, and the Megahead head, all earn a spot in the Weekly.
Okay, lets face it.
The dude just cracks me the hell up.
I probably shouldn’t go with this pic over some of the ones that just missed the cut, but never underestimate the laugh factor in a HCwDB coupling.
And she is a caramel corn summer fair sweet.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: X-Lax
We haven’t had a truly legendary breakout doucherstar appearing in a number of pics since probably Bra!! a few months back.
X-Lax could be that scrotewank.
Rocking consistent douchery in the presence of hotts across a number of pics, including a delightful Asian belly hott, a strangely Da Vincian sorority party, and a hidden turd float, X-Lax has shown longevity in his douchal career.
And with a wide collection of sorority girls on his arm, the hottie/douchey factor is high. But orange enough to take the Weekly?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Corey Hamster
For classic Tuscan European scrotifery, for holding a delightful hott in his furry little wheel running paws, and for rallying the base when I needed to bring the votes in, The Hamster gets the coveted third and final spot on the ticket.
Some may argue the Hamster is lesserbag.
I give you the white Dog Tag / Jesus Bling combo. The giant collar. The hamster whiskers. The Dick Tracy watch. And, of course, the douche-face.
And like every pure hottie/douchey dialectic, the swan of hope. Slap some librarian glasses on her, and I would definitely marry her in a stormy shotgun wedding, then weep quietly in the bathroom when she cheated on me with the gas station attendant, Antonio.
As with any Weekly after a Monthly, a number of worthy finalists just missed the cut, including The Cheeks, Tatty McTatterson and the luscious mounds of Melon Butt. Even Pedro lacked that certain extra quality to make the Finals.
We can only have three, and them three’s your Francis Bacon inspired triptych. Which will rise to become HCwDB of the Week? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Saturday, September 6, 2008Ask DB1: Manscaping
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Hey, db1. I’m a long-time Hot Chicks with Douchebags fan and I have a question that perplexes me.
I think we all have a little bit of douche in us without us even realizing it, and I’m not proud to say that I sometimes exhibit these tendencies.
My question is regarding the removal of chest hair. I notice you mock the guys who shave/wax their chests a lot, yet I also noticed in your book that you mentioned the Furry ‘Bag, who is a douche because he basically has, well, chest hair.
So are they both douches? Is one bigger than the other? Surely this is not an over-looked contradiction, is it?
Douche of Arabia
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Excellent question, D of A. A number of the more hirsute males will, of course, require some basic manscaping to maintain appearances. Some even suffer from Robinius Williamsus Armsus, or, in English, “Yeti Arms.”
Furry Man, as detailed in the book, does not receive douchal scorn for his hairyness, but for his creepy-ass display of that hairyness. Just as displayed chest shave is scrotey, so is chest fung display. It is in the presentational, not the genetic, that we locate douche.
Most men require some basic trimming and shaving as we attempt to woo the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh. This is excusable, and is not subject to douchal scorn.
Saturday, September 6, 2008DJ Bello Hearts "Steph"
Dig the dopest, freshest, most illin’ dance moves since The Fly Girls. DJ Bello is in love. And by love, I mean douche you have to scrape off your shoe to get rid of.
WARNING: No Hott counterbalance provided in this video. It is all choad.
EDIT: Since the video is sadly lost, here’s DJ Bello dancing with a camel, courtesy of pfah.
Friday, September 5, 2008Pedro Speaks
Pedro says, “Challo. Chowarju?”
I’m fine, Pedey.
Thanks to your embrace of Brunette Lollipop Wonderland Rainbow Boobie Hott, I’m now officially crackin’ my PBRs and gettin’ ready for a delightful Friday Night.
Because the sun is shining in sweaty Los Angeles. The weekend is here. My fridge is stocked with milk for extended sugar cereal consumption this weekend.
And, hot on your arm or not, you look like a six year old ate sixteen crayons and then puked in the rec hall.
Friday, September 5, 2008Scrote for Pedro
What better way to wind down a productive week of hottie/douchey mocklust then with with Pedro’s stylin’ douche-on game.
His shaved chest and elegantly placed rosarie Jesus bling are offset only by the Han Solo vest and Kessel Run inspired Ed Hardy Douche Hat.
On the flip side, we have Sultry Camille.
And while you were on the swim team and never talked to me in math class Camille, I still sat behind you and tied your occasional shedded strand of hair left behind on your seat onto my jacket buttons after class.
I’m much better now. All grown up. I no longer fantasize about your perfect senior year boobies. So far as you know.
