HCwDB
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Monday, May 3, 2010
Mr. Fromage and Kim Voted
Although furrious that they didn’t make the Weekly this week, Mr. Fromage and Kim decided to be good sports and stop by and vote in the HCwDB anyway.
It isn’t easy for them to find time to vote. Mr. Fromage lives a very hairried life.
Thank you.
I’ll be hair all week.
Have you voted yet?
Sunday, May 2, 2010Brow Down!
In honor of internet clown Nik Ritchie’s HCwDB wedding, lets all sing along to the Glendale Armenian douche anthem, “Brow Down!”
“Drakkor Cologne engraved in my chromosome, come to my shop I give you pager and a cell phone” for the epic lyric win.
Saturday, May 1, 2010Bernie Schwartz Refuses to Get Old
Bernie tried to impress Kendra by dropping references to all the shizz “Vampire Weekend” phat tunes on his ipod.
Kendra smiled and nodded politely.
Friday, April 30, 2010The Diddler
Preparing to take on Flex Luthor for world domination, The Diddler practices his pickup game at the local Sheboygan summer concert, “Failapalooza.”
Featuring an amazing lineup including, the return of the Dokken tribute band, Rokken Dokken.
Rokken Dokken features the actual members of Dokken. But they found calling themselves a tribute band brought higher booking rates. Because promoters think the irony factor works.
Friday, April 30, 2010Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz
Last month we met Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz.
Now meet his brother, Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz.
Mr. Punchinthefacekowitz’s parents tweaked the family name after some confusion at Ellis Island in 1921. Back in Douchistan, the family name was originally “Isuckalpacanutsackowitz.” But the irate immigration officer ran out of patience with the spelling on “alpacanuts.” And the rest is history.
Brunette Scarlett on the left doesn’t mind playing the hotter wingman to her less successful at dating friend, Carmen. That’s what friends are for.
Well, that and bail money.
Thursday, April 29, 2010Hall of Hott: A Quorum is Called
Numerous readers have written in requesting a quorum to discuss nominees for the Hall of Hott, with three finalists emerging.
I believe one of the standards for earning a spot in our hallowed halls is longevity — a douche or a hott who stay with us. For the douche, like a skin rash or a meal with too much cheese. For the hott, like a warm sensation in the nethers, either an itch or a sunburn. Therefore I usually like to wait a few months before inducting a new member.
But these ladies have all proven dedicated fans. Who keep emailing the DB1 demanding satisfaction. And by satisfaction, they mean our collective pixel paw.
I put it to you, Greg. Which of these three should we allow entrance to our hallowed Hall of Hott?
Hipsterbag Harold’s Corrie
Corrie brings with her the wholesome unpolluted hottness of lilac scented body cremes and many “just friends” slamming their heads in car doors as she blithely traipses about campus in a miniskirt with a pokey bra.
Corrie is the hottie who will laugh at your jokes.
Play xBox.
Leave you the last tater tot even though she didn’t each lunch. And tater tots are tasty.
She is real world drinkability and collective knee fondle.
Freddie Von Gimp’s Brenda
An early favorite to make the Monthly, Brenda’s uberhottness was not enough to carry Freddie to the finish line in the face of Jed The Creepy Wankscrote.
Brenda is lovely and ethereal.
I desire to paw her collection of South American cooking books which she likes to use to make spicy dishes with the stainless steel kitchen set her uncle Frank bought her after she graduated from Penn.
Yeah, I have no idea what I’m writing.
But she is purity of gnaw.
Dr. Rosentongue’s Maureen
Maureen is a bit more challenging as the glasses hide the face.
But what we do know is greasy slide of greased up sliding into belly button goodness and the girls sing “do de do de do, do de do do, de do, de do, do de do do, de do, de do, do de do dooooo…”
Sax solo.
Mmmm.
Should all three go in?
Two?
One?
None?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments thread. And a new Hall of Hott member, or two, or three, may be virtually enshrined through collective fondle.
Thursday, April 29, 2010Jack Skullington Glares
HCwDB legend Jack Skullington is still out there.
To serve.
And protect.
And grope the hotties with his rad Mercedes arm tatt and stylin’ leather wrist straps.
Kaylie requires a belly pooch. And I volunteer. Because, for love of country, I must pooch.
Thursday, April 29, 2010Ask DB1: “Daddy what’s a douche?”
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Dear DB1,
On the way to school yesterday morning, a song comes on the radio with the title of something like “I am in Love with a Douche.”
My 7 year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what is a douche?”
And I stared into space, not knowing what to do.
I mumbled something about “a douche is a very vain man his into really into the way he looks” and then head faked her with a package of Ho-Ho’s. Can you please provide some parenting advice? Usually I would say honesty is the best policy, but can innocence not be spared?
Signed,
Daddy Douche
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Children, especially young girls, must be introduced to douche mocking at a very early age. This should not be hard, as usually by the third or fourth grade, uberbags have begun to assert their nascent assholic masculinity on the playground.
Teach the young ones well. Do not couch the truth. Guide her well, and she will mock for a lifetime.
Thursday, April 29, 2010Ask DB1: "Daddy what's a douche?"
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Dear DB1,
On the way to school yesterday morning, a song comes on the radio with the title of something like “I am in Love with a Douche.”
My 7 year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what is a douche?”
And I stared into space, not knowing what to do.
I mumbled something about “a douche is a very vain man his into really into the way he looks” and then head faked her with a package of Ho-Ho’s. Can you please provide some parenting advice? Usually I would say honesty is the best policy, but can innocence not be spared?
Signed,
Daddy Douche
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Children, especially young girls, must be introduced to douche mocking at a very early age. This should not be hard, as usually by the third or fourth grade, uberbags have begun to assert their nascent assholic masculinity on the playground.
Teach the young ones well. Do not couch the truth. Guide her well, and she will mock for a lifetime.
Thursday, April 29, 2010No More Patrick Pooing
Yesterday’s Patrick Pooing writes in:
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Where in a picture on your website and would like it removed straight away.
The picture is named ‘Pactrick Pooing’ updated on your site this morning – 28th at 9.21AM.
I don’t know how you got hold of this picture, it is a private holiday picture and the comments have been very upsetting for my girlfriend I would like it removed immediately.
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On behalf of the comments threads participants, I know that where sorry.
