HCwDB
-
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday Haiku
I’ll have a White Russian,
Send back the White Douchebag.
But leave Natasha.
chippendale’s flunky
take your striped hair and bad tatts
sell shots to tourists
— johnny scrotten
Gladiator douche.
He is so glad he ate her.
Excuse the bad pun.
— douche mcallister
i am lord gorgon
from the planet doucheymus
these are my space whores
— bcs
Billy Idol smirk
But in the midnight hour
She does not cry “more”
— mr. white
skunky haired douchebag
macks on cocktail waitresses
call security
— scrotisserie chicken
Two women from the future.
Need men to keep race going.
Extinction inevitable.
— Marcos Douchebagdatis
Thursday, March 27, 2008Pinky the Pinhead
Pinky’s got game.
How do I know?
The skull on his shirt. It’s got creepy batwings on it. Which means he’s a badass. I’m talking Bosworth level.
And a note for the ladies. Never underestimate the power of the simple, low cut, black dress. Especially when you have ginormous num nums to show off.
Thursday, March 27, 2008Nighthawk
PIC DELETED
Sly Stalloon isn’t the worst ‘bag out there. Sure he’s got the touch of chin pube, and the unbuttoned shirt reveal. But he seems more like a stage 1 or stage 2 doucheface. Nothing too offensive, but still mildly annoying.
Like having to eat at the Olive Garden.
It may not be good, but you usually don’t get that sick either.
I do like little Asian Soup Dumpling. She’s a compact package of to-go deep fried hottness, sweet and sour and ready to serve, with no MSG, and a fortune cookie surprise.
And if you think comparing her to Chinese food is demeaning, just be glad I didn’t go for the chopsticks allusions.
But I’m still crabby since I got busted for parking my car in a handicapped zone.
Thursday, March 27, 2008Flaming Orange
I haven’t seen an orange hue that saturated since Nestor Almendros’ cinematography in Terrence Malick’s Days of Heaven.
What, too obscure?
Thursday, March 27, 2008Milli Vanilla
Oh sure, laugh at them if you must. But these guys are absolutely huge in Belgium and France.
I’m talking the third biggest metal fusion acid jazz trip-hop funk cover band, as based on sales records in all of greater Antwerp, just behind Kathleen Turner Overdrive and The Rutles.
And they’re hanging with The Ghost of Pamela. So they are rock and roll. And you are not.
Spikes McGangster may be making the strangest Shocker I’ve seen. Whereas Perry Farrell makes an impressively tough gesture while holding a champagne glass.
Hey kids, rock and roll. Rock on.
Thursday, March 27, 2008The Peeps Crush
You know how certain girls who do a lot of yoga reach that rarified state I like to call “firm ‘n soft,” where they’re tight and lean, but also soft and pillowy, like a microwaved peeps marshmallow?
It is that beautiful contradiction of ass kicking hardbody and soft bouncy boobies that weird little tiny midgets bounce up and down on while dressed in clown suits, that sends in my boobie circus.
My psychedelic boobie circus.
She is that perfect contradiction of firm ‘n soft. Stone and marshmallow peeps.
Seeing her getting squished between House of Pain before they head over to Sue’s house to play hockey with Mikey and T-Bone makes me want to pull out a gatt behind The Dresden.
Thursday, March 27, 2008Dolce and Garbaga
Oh sweetie, I’m not sure if there is any hope for you.
Too much exposure to Jackbag, and you are well on your way to the dark side of the Bleeth.
All we can do is take away your charge card from Loehmann’s and tear up your subscription to In-Style until you’ve become deLohaned.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008Farmer Ted
It’s hard to take this ‘bagling seriously when Anthony Michael Hall just walked by and paid him a dozen floppy discs.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008Wednesday Limerick
Beware the Angry Red Abomination,
Especially when he’s got lip mutation,
But Boobs on his lap,
Looks tired and needs a nap,
Go ahead, Red’s got fears of castration.
HCwDB of the Week (runner up): Kid Scrote
Well what should’ve been an overwhelming landslide victory for the Yo-Yo ends up being a
disqualification.
Therefore, since Yo and Leopard couldn’t fulfill the duties expected of them as HCwDB of the Week Winners, we hand the crown to the first runner up. Kid Scrote. Yes, it’s a bummer, as the Yo had one of the most convincing victories in awhile. But The ‘Scrote also found his fans. Abdouchah the Butcher makes the case:
I have to give it to Kid Scrote despite the fact that he looks very much like Dave Kusworth, one of my favorite semi-obscure rawk singers. Unfortunately he probably considers LA Guns to be da shizznitt. Also, I think the douche-to-hott ratio is the most extreme in his case. Good luck, Scrote-man. And by good luck I mean your gal causes penile turgidness.
Indeed, Abd the B. And Senor Squash agrees:
Which brings us back to Kid Scrote The Unwashed, and his Significant Bleeth, Haley Pantypudding.
The unholy pairing of the oversized mandana to keep his lice-infested pelt out of his eyes, and her swim attire created by the shaky feeble hands of her saintly Grandma Nell as she quietly fades in her final days at the Trail’s End retirement facility, leaves us with one nagging question:
Whose wet suit hangs in the background and is it used for kinky sex games involving six boxes of out-dated Rice Krispies, a bucket of spoiled kiwi fruit, a trampoline, and twelve liters of imported cat urine?
And if not, why not?
Oh, and boobies.
Kid Scrote, FTW.
Nicely done, SS, I’m not feeling as bad about the disqual any more. Kid Scrote definitely meets the criteria for a win. As Douche and Tonic makes the argument:
Kid Scrote.
Because the pant-shorts stopped being cool about 10 years ago. So did showing your boxers just above your pants. And so did mandanas. And the whole “scruffy dirt-ball with a heart of gold” act.
….I think someone is missing a time machine.
Yup.
While we couldn’t crown our landslide winner, HCwDB Nation turns it’s bemusedly annoyed eyes to you, Kid Scrote. Woo woo woo.
Don’t let us down, and we’ll see your mandana’d douchery in the Monthly.
