HCwDB
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Thursday, February 14, 2008
Hunting the Artbag
Your humble narrator in all things Ass/Axe, The DB1, is in San Francisco for a wedding, but also to hunt the elusive and wily Artbag.
Yes, that post dot-com former Z-3 Roadster owning internet baby hipster tool. You know the kind. The one who mocked your lack of technical knowledge and bragged about their stock options, 2000-2002, only to go into a burned out and dazed shell after the crash.
With little left to do but get a real job and bitch about how much they “almost” cashed out with, they turned from DSL to hair gel. From wifi to ironic t-shirts. That said things like Free Paris.
Artbags.
The kind with ‘Zines about the nuances of Swedish death metal. Or where to find the best ginger bread cookie in Omaha.
Artbags get their own category in my book. And deservedly so.
I plan to spend the weekend making fun of their facial hair from a reasonable distance, then hitting on their girlfriends when they’re in the bathroom.
Thursday, February 14, 2008The Mark of the 'Bag
People often ask me: “DB1, how will I know the Mark of the ‘Bag when I see it upon a douche’s forehead?”
And I answer: “Grasshopper, the Mark of the ‘Bag will make its presence known. Just look for the schlong-n-balls of forehead shine. The kit and caboodle. The beavis and butthead. Or, in some cases, a shlong-n-balls crossed with a Fender guitar.”
Even in cases where the ‘bag isn’t that douchey. As with Blue Satin Nipple, here, the Mark of the ‘Bag reveals inner douche.
Pouty Cheekbones can’t see the Mark of the ‘Bag. But we can.
She has the smooth polished skin of apple pie ice cream. I would drink her with a shot of rum and a confused Vegas car dealer named Tim who’s suffering from dementia and needs a place to stay.
Thursday, February 14, 2008The Jersey Paradox
Here’s my problem with Jersey.
Even the good guys are douches. By all accounts, Largy McBulge here appears to be a relative decent dude. He’s unassuming. Has his arm casually around his hott. No obnoxious possession gestures. No douche-face.
But then you realize he’s wearing a combo earring + matching necklace, a ridiculously exposed muscle-t showing off the bulge, and the ripped 1980s jeans left behind on the set of Bon Jovi’s Blaze of Glory.
And it’s Jersey in a nutshell.
Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell is Dairy Queen Blizzard sweet.
With sprinkles.
Thursday, February 14, 2008Freshman Girls
Tall, orange and douchey is no way to go through life, son.
Madame 'Baggerfly
Ah, the Oldbag.
Oldbags often achieve an anti-hero status simply for keeping their saggy scrote in the game.
There’s Far East Hott, a sexy cube of cute in which Puccini’s operatic high notes only begin to evoke the curvy pouty lips of Asian Delight.
But then ‘Baggerfly crashes in like a bartender version of the lead singer from one hit wonder Midnight Oil.
But is he threatening? Not really. More like Dad’s best friend from Thursday night poker. So go to it, Oldbag. Sing that Aria. You get a “nottadouche.”
Just lose the neutron sunglasses and fetch me a Johnnie Walker Black, stat.
Thursday, February 14, 2008The O-Head
It’s not nice to make fun of squashed skull heads that look like an elephant crapped out a football.
Therefore I will only say that feral overbite on the left makes me want to troll trailer parks in Mississippi in search of that elusive diamond in the dust.
And then Eliza her Doolittles with 19th Century aristocratic class patriarchies. And lots of shoulder sucking.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008Fan Mail
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DB1-
You are such a loser.
So you have no problem saying how gorgeous you think these girls are, then practically state why they shouldn’t be with the person they chose to be with?
So you’re telling them how to live their on life.
So you’re dictating.
Meaning, you think you’re above everyone else.
I’m not saying you’re worthless. I mean we all need people like you around so we can laugh at them when we need a good cheering up.
But Christ, Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?? Do you think you’re God’s gift? Do you even have a girlfriend? … or do you prefer to swing the ball towards the crowd instead?
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When not dictating, I do prefer to swing the ball towards the crowd.
So I got that going for me.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008Marissa Miller and a Cactus
Courtesy of WWTDD.com, Sports Illustrated cover-girl hott Marissa Miller is apparently married to a cactus douche.
But at least we know what the shape was that obsessed Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008Wednesday Limerick
Three cutes went to party in style,
They checked out bikini night at the Carlyle,
Then Sven showed his abs,
And scratched at his crabs
And the place smelled like Patchouli for awhile.
HCwDB of the Week: Deathtongue
Deathtongue in a lickslide.
Unlike the waxen burnt atrocity that is Millennium ‘Bag, this Weekly winner errs on the side of quartasian hott perfection. As Amerigo Vesdouchey knows, Sloane Peterson will always set the standard:
Deathtoungue.
She is Sloane Peterson and Princess Lily (from ‘Legend’) roled up in one great ball of Hott. Not coincidentally, both roles were played by the same actress.
Young Mia Sara. The Hott of Hots by which all others are measured. But this is not to say that amateur pud isn’t scrote enough to hold up his side of the equation. As the everpresent anonymous hits the tongue on the head:
gotta be deathtongue.
he’s not the blatant douchenozzle of BG or the “i lost a bet” douchetard of Pinhead, but there’s something a little sneaky about his douchiness. If you saw him in a club, you might not want to immediately hit him in the head with a trashcan. but doing what he’s doing shows a whole lot of contempt for and a little misogynistic hatred a la Pepe le Pew (kudos to whoever said that first) of the hottest hott i’ve seen on this site.
Well put, anon. Bagadoucheous agrees:
Now I take a deep sigh and a dry heave and talk about Deathtongue. Unf@#king real. The sheer dichotomy of this picture makes it the clear winner. Miles above the rest. It is the absolute definition of this site. Scrote/hott at it purest most disgusting form.
I just stabbed myself in the neck with a fork. I just shaved my pupils down with a nail file. Thats how beutiful this woman is and how disgusted I am to see her with him. The angel and the devil. This picture is deep with meaning. It represents the human race and our relationship with God. The fact that she acts as if he is not even there makes it everything. Uggg. Please kill me.
Yikes. Someone check and make sure Bagadoucheous is okay.
But lets not forget our 2nd and 3rd place finalists. McDouche makes the case for the somewhat overlooked boob/scrote ratio of The Pincushion:
Pincushion gets my vote. Do you realize how many hours and money he probably spent on that gay hair and “bag” of piercings and have it all culminate with him being one step away from induction into the DB Hall of Fame?
Hall of Scrote mentions may be a bit much, since P.C. can’t even win a Weekly, but I agree the hair is award winning. And her boobs are marshy-mallowy.
And the ever present anonymous urges us not to forget the atrocities that is the ‘Bagnana Dacquiri:
‘Bagnana Daiquiri. I know the Deathtongue has the hottest girl, but that peaking groin tat. Seriously, that’s the nastiest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I’m scared to know what that ‘tat really is.
Yup. The groin tatt is wretched. But it’s the ‘Tongue’s week to lick.
As Talayatu eloquently puts in:
Deathtongue… there’s a message there, a story, an allegory, like in medieval iconography. He is just SO douchey (and an irono-douche too, probably, my least favorite kind) and she is just SO classic. Just look at how different their manners are, look at the differing expressions, they exist in the same space but not, by any means, the same place.
Quartasian hott exists in a realm of pure hott goodness and decency, and Deathtongue belongs to the douchey scum of the earth. Quartasian hott is with the douche but not of it.
He is Mordor; she is Lothlorien. Yes, I will stand by my Tolkien reference thank you very much. Deathtongue for the win.
Stand by that LOTR ref there, Talayatu. For Deathtongue and his Quartasian are a deserving winner.
Raise their wrongness to the winner’s circle, and we’ll see them take on the Moulin Rouge in the Monthy.
