HCwDB
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Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
After that “Poopaloompa is Satan” pic I owe you. Here’s a favorite category at the 2009 Douchies. Hottest Librarian Hott.
Dewey Hott appeared all the way back in February. Her perfect, unstained beauty haunts me to this day.
I would spin cycle through a bazaar filled with Armenian Bedouin fermented leather traders wearing only a plaid leotard just for the chance to fact check her autobiography.
The other ascendant Librarian Hott of 2009 appeared in July in a pic devoid of douche, and thus not really qualified to win an HCwDB Douchie.
So give it up to Dewey Hott for a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.
And someone slap Tonguey McChoad there in the face. With a washrag. Dipped in wasabe.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2
Round two of your HCwDB of the Year semifinalists:
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 2): Crimson Ted
From all the way back in March, the toxic crimson taint of British club promoter and leggy blonde fondler Crimson Ted remains a lip sore on our collective psyches.
And lets not forget Ted’s mugging of Hot Moms, Ted’s Smells Like Poo ass pear moment, Ted’s Crimsplosion and Ted’s Waldouche moment.
And Crimson Celtic.
And, of course, Reader Mike’s historically imporant Ted Crimsometer.
Ted is a legend of turd crap.
He brings shame to the land of Doctor Who and Fawlty Towers. Hitting on what few hott British girls there are, he is a worthy pollutant indeed.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 2): E-Blo and Britney
What more can be said about the supersonic douchey stare of the legendary Electric Blight Orchestra?
E-Blo’s original pic is from early June, but what a run of pics. For E-Blo’s empty blankness reflects the vacancy of our culture and the crisis of our souls.
The vacant stare is legend: Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and, of course, his truly inflated zombie-stare douchosity in pic 9.
This is uber-douchosity in presence of hot chick on a massive and overwhelming scale.
E-Blo is already legend.
But does he have what it takes to carry his hotts to the Finals?
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 2): Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel
Our most recent Monthly winner, the Wretch-a-Sketch brings only two pics of hottie/douchey Travis Barker inspired poofoolery to the game.
But his hat tilt, sideways hand gesture and extreme tattbaggery in presence of Zebra Hottness all speak to a worthy Monthly winner.
Pic #2 only increases the hotte/douchey dialectics.
Do not discount the mockworthiness of the Scribbler.
This is classic West Coast skater “indie band” douche.
Just as potently toxic as Jerz Pud.
Note the undie poke.
If that doesn’t inflame the gonads of an angry penguin, then I don’t know what.
But lets not forget our fourth finalist…
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 2): The Poopaloompa
One pic. Officially confirmed as real.
Just one pic of uber-orange and an average, cornfed but sweet Jane.
But that was all it took to make it to the yearly.
Well, there was a second pic. But it was this pic that make the Poopster legend.
Do not let the Poopaloompa’s nomination in the Orangest Orange category sway you from your vote. In the Yearly you must factor in dialectic. Or the fact The Poopaloompa is Satan.
Which of these four couplings most embodies the clash of cultural trainwreck in the crisis of masculinity and name-brand spectacle, with the tastiness of the boobie hottie suckle thigh?
Vote for your second finalist couple, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009Orangest Orange
We’ve had an epic run of Orangebaggery this year, and this category was nearly impossible to cull down to four tangerine finalists. But cull I must.
Here’s your finalists:
Orangest Orange Finalist #1: The Orange Cactus
From back in March, and a reader tag no less, the Orange Cactus never got the full mock that his Arizonian cactii doucheyness deserves.
The O Cactus is real world ridiculousness.
At a party where mugging up on girls dressed as an extreme uberdouche barely registers.
The ladies are embarassed and more than a little disturbed.
For the Cactus is very…
very…
Orange.
Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Cheeto Man
Cheeto Man first appeared in July, and while pungent in super-douchosity, lacked the requisite heterosexuality and quality hott counterpoint to advance up the ladder of the Weekly and Monthly douche chain.
Cheeto Man’s second pic only further denatured the threat by hinting at extreme lightness of loafers.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It only makes for a less toxic HCwDB pic, since the lady is rendered ultimately unthreatened.
Cheeto Man is freakish.
Cheeto Man is disturbing.
Cheeto man scares kittens, lemurs and other assorted small woodland creatures.
He’s also really freaking orange.
Orangest Orange Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa
Some have charged that Mr. Loompa is actually a photoshopped pic.
I certainly can’t tell, as it looks real to me. But, either way, this is a Yearly contestant and an Orange finalist, so I’m going with it.
The Orangenesss is manifest poostiny for the Poopa, and Jane’s pale complexion only further marks it in relief.
The Poompa is freakazoid anime douchebag, every bit Ming the Juiceless.
But enough to win Orangest Orange? That remains to be seen.
Orangest Orange Finalist #4: Mammy Miami
Okay, Mammy Miami’s more “poo” than Orange.
But I’m not 100% certain that he’s in the “bronze” weightlifting category (although he probably is), so he’s earned his way as a 2009 Douchie Finalist.
M. Miami and the less than A-list Svetlana first appeared in early June and quickly became legend.
For summoning the worst Al Jolson, George Jessel, blackface racist American past that our media never mentions, Miami deserves credit for foregrounding our cultural amnesia.
Don’t think of it as douchey over-tanning.
Think of it as cultural critique.
So them’s your four. Just think of all the ‘range that didn’t make the cut. Guido Buttchinsky, Orangina, Orange Psycho, , Orange Poolius, The Turnips and Orangeness as Signifier. Although Signifier is more in the “smells like poo” category.
I eliminated pro body-builder types like Poo, as I want this to be a true vote for douchosity. And don’t forget Anne Hathaway starring in The Devil Tans Orange and The Devil Tans Orange II.
But we can only vote on our finalists. Which deserves the 2009 Douchie?
Vote and make orange juice, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
From all the way back in February, the Orange Simian douchitude of The Incredible Yolk earns a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.
I’m also considering including this image as part of my installation art headlining show at the Guggenheim museum in the year 2023. When those who denature images, recontextualizing them outside of their originary intent in the age of the simulacrum, are finally credited as legitimate artists.
My show will consist entirely of HCwDB images projected onto thin strips of semi-transparent material, made out of silicon, suspended throughout the museum space, with each image fading up and down, in and out of visibility.
As each image becomes visible, a falsetto midget eunuch will read whatever text I wrote to accompany the image in a strange sing-song, almost digitized, cadence.
But that’s in 2023.
For now, The Incredible Yolk and his Hott Conquest will have to settle for their Douchie Award.
Today, the Douchies.
Tomorrow, artistic immortality.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
We’ve seen Kissy Lips come and go, but no face all year has quite deserved the “thwack” that February’s The Punch Face does.
While Mona isn’t top shelf hottitude on the other end of the spectrum, P.F.’s face-taint is truly award winning.
Here’s your Douchie Award, Punch Face.
Now someone hit him again.
(Dis)honorable mention to Luigi the Scroteface.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009Best Golden Globes
Here’s one category where we all win. And by win, I mean jagoozgas.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #1: The Eiffel Towers
Tattines.
Num nums.
Hablueybloos.
Joy mounds.
Gazangas.
Hills.
Mountains.
Things I want to touch.
Things I really want to touch.
Things that bore me after coitus.
Zeppelins.
Chesticles.
Flesh pillows.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #2: The Anchor Chin’s Raquel
Jiffy Pops.
Mumbai air breads.
Squeeze boxes.
Jiggle Joys.
Air Hockeys.
Nub Nubs.
Playthings.
Destroyers of higher brain function.
Suckle cannons.
Gum Guns.
Hypnotic Kreskins.
Grub Toys.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #3: Charleez
Mammaries.
Mamtastic Chewtoys.
Two Stooges.
Airbags.
Baby feeders.
headlights.
Honkers.
Bewbs.
Huminas.
Skin Balloons.
Magambos.
Milk Jagerbombs.
Wahoos.
Best Golden Globes Finalist #4: The Bada Bing Boobs
Melons.
Mounds.
Squee.
Jello cups.
Albert Einsteins.
Frankfurt Cheesecakes.
The Primary Reason for the Downfall of all Major Empires.
Devolution Cupcakes.
Ta’s.
Bouncy mentions to Musical Cleavite, Sexy Sadie, The Temple Mount and Keith Barely Tries.
Vote now.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009Douchiest Tatt: Rated P for Poo
We’ve seen a lot of scrotal tatts this year. There was the immortal Chug Life. There was HCwDB of the Year finalists Mack the Nozzle and the Wretch-a-Sketch. And there were The Primitive Marsupials.
But none so perfectly encapsulated what a douche-tatt is than the legend that is P for Poo. Who first Vegased it up in July.
The fact he’s posing with 2008 HCwDB of the Year hott side of coupling, Carly, only further legendizes his ballsackery.
Here’s your award, P Rater.
Let the record show that you are no more “gangsta” than my grandmother, post-Mahjong.
Monday, December 7, 2009Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
From way back in the beginning of the year, just days after the 2008 Douchie Awards were over in late December, The Loop de Poop made her way into our hearts.
And by hearts I mean wallets.
As she endures licks from skanky musicbags like this tool right here, it became clear that to win a date with the Loop de Poop, we would need to order double appetizers and dessert.
And a Ferrari.
Later, we tracked her down with Ambiguous Steve Vai Music Guy, further confirming the need for massive bankroll.
As a result, we give The Loop Girl our 2009 Douchie for “Most Expensive First Date Hott,” beating out Klaus’s Euro Farrah Fawcett, Minnie Von Shtup, and yes, even Francine, who I still think might go for the burger n’ fries special that the DB1 offers all his special ladies. By the third date. If I’ve done well at the Track.
Monday, December 7, 2009Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Our first award of the 2009 Douchies for “Douchies Hair” goes to…
The scrotevelope please…
Hairy Belafonte!
Beating out such follicular luminaries as Hair Templeton and Rusty The Frill Necked Lizard, Hary Belafonte made a ridic kissy impression in July that summons the worst in Vegas spectacle.
With so many nominees of douchey hair this year, this was a tough category, but this sweeping hair spew plus kissy lips onto a studious English major hottie deserves the (dis)honor.
C’mon up and accept your award, Hairy B!
Monday, December 7, 2009HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
And so the 2009 Douchies begin. Bring it. Your A-Game. For the Yearly is here.
Here’s your HCwDB of the Year finalists for Bracket #1 (of 3):
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 1): The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
The Ghoulbag was our first Monthly winner of 2009, back in February.
Often forgotten in the cylone of pudwhack that came down the track in his wake, the Ghoulbag reminds us of rocker douche and all that it suckily entails.
And what of the tri-hotts?
Quality fondle.
Impressive shoulder suckle.
Collegiate giggle pillow fights and talcum powder.
But really it’s the Ghoulbag who carries this pic to yearly status. Who the hell makes dual “rocker” hand gestures while wearing grillz, bling, and hat tilt?
A Yearly finalist. That’s who.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 1): Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
A raging guyliner wearing squat turd. Uber-pumped up muscles. And a sweet Latina hott.
Princess Leia Latina Orgaana and the Wookie with the Crosshair were major contenders from the start.
With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, they left no doubt.
Crosshair brings the frosted tips of true loaf to the game. Leia brings bitable stomach muscles and pouty lips of Latina fiery hottness.
But what cinches it is the doggie baggin’ pose.
Uber-taint.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 1): Anchor Chin and Raquel
From the moment Anchor Chin and Raquel first appeared back in May, it became apparent that this combination of sleazebucket and curvy princess had what it takes in HCwDB toxicity to go all the way.
Here they are in the yearly, with only one pic to rely on. That’s hottie/douchey dialectic.
But also with two very obvious assets at work.
Can Raquel’s anchors carry the greased up facial turditude of Anchor C. to an upset win?
The hottie/douchey poobaggery is strong with this one.
Boobs and chin pubes. They could very well make it.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 1): Bucky and Kathy Hott
Bucky got mad game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott. And he’s gettin’ his party on. And celebratin’.
And now he’s in the Yearly.
From the moment his nuclear fission generating four-dimensional hat tilt ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, Bucky was poised for big things.
With tanned Kathy Hott, she of the glorious smile and tremendous tatines, the HC side was more than spectacularly filled, if slightly douchebaguette, as well.
Kathy Hott had her own party run here and here
But what sends Bucky over the top is the welding gloves.
Yup.
Bucky is Running with the Goose with welding gloves on.
So them’s your four, the first of our three semifinalist brackets to anoint our three finalists. Do not melt down from the pressure.
Be calm. Think hot chick. Think douche. Think which of these four couples is the most toxic and therefore the most worthy. And then vote.
Vote like you’ve never voted before.
