Reader Mail
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Friday, July 6, 2012
Mr. Biggs Stalks the Stokke
HCwDB Hall of Mock genius and supreme ‘bag tagger, Mr. Biggs, goes on a mission to stalk the holy Pear that is Stokke, and came back proudly with the following report:
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DB1,
Allison Stokke showed up right behind me at the track trials, and agreed to have her photo taken with me. Verily the God of Abraham has smiled upon our audacity. Either that, or I am that savant type of stalker who just knows instinctively where his target plans on showing up.
– Mr. Biggs
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Truly supreme work, Mr. Biggs. And may all hail the Hottest Pole Vaulter since Claire Witzerbottom took the prize at the 1854 World’s Fair.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012Reader Mail: Unclear on the Concept
Creepy mail-order-bride internet dater Purple Punguine, he who already stalked a Ukrainian Hott, writes in with more disturbing tales of internet trolling and confusing about the douchebag concept:
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DB1,
I did it again, this time it was while talking to a Estonian Hott. I thought it was going good we’ve been chatting and emailing each other when I asked for a pic of her, this is what she sent.
Not just one man whereing a white plastic grass dress but two of them!!
One which has a murse and bigger tatas then she does!! Why is this always happining to me? and WHY does he get to lay his head against such lovely Hott?
– Purple Punguine
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There’s nothing worse than Man Wheres in Third World Countries. Especially with crocs.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012Reader Mail: "Get Your Weekly Dose"
Choad the Douche Sprocket writes in with a lament from Vegas:
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Dear DB1:
Now that summer is nigh, Las Vegans are forced to look at this constant, invasion of douche-i-tude on virtually every billboard within a mile of the Strip.
The tag line reads “Get Your Weekly Dose.” It should read: Get Your Weekly Dose of Douchebaggery, because from May 1st until the end of September, Vegas becomes the epicenter of pud, the vortex of vapidness, and the axis of affrontery to all that is thoughtful and tasteful in the world. (The stench of pool poo gets even worse in July and August — the “bargain months.” Then, every low-rent, slack-jawed, knuckle dragging rube within a 500 mile radius descends on our hotels like crazed, roided out houseflies swarming to shit.)
You know these things, of course. Your legions of ‘bag hunters know them too…but sometimes we feel the need to remind everyone that we are on the front lines of this battle, and that stupidity is a relentless foe.
Depressingly yours,
– Choad the Douche Sprocket
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“Stupidity is a Relentless Foe” should be my epitaph, good work CtDS.
However, the “Get your weekly dose” jokes just kinda write themselves.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012Reader Mail: Stalkin' Stokke
Reader Mr. Biggs writes in to let us know he’s off in search of suckle Semitic pole vaulter, Alison Stokke.
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Going to Eugene for the olympic track trials!
That is all, thought I’d share that with you. All I ask is for you to help me cast a dragnet so I can better locate and stalk Allison Stokke. She’s even Sephardi. 😀
– Mr. Biggs
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Of whither toned bod there is no finer.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012Reader Mail: Medicine 'Bags
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Hey DB1
Well again more of my former classmates have been acting up! I can’t believe these fuccers are actually allowed to work with medicine that people will consume.
I ask myself sometimes how I managed to survive 4 years of a doctorate program surrounded by these assholes?
Looking back it was probably the copious injestion of Herradura Silver and Miller High Life.
Regards
CJTD
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I could write a whole response to this using only 80s film references:
You using the whole fist there, doc?
I weep for the future.
Now I know why tigers eat their young.
Ah, the 80s. Good filmic times.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012Reader Mail: Blunderbus in the Ukraine
Reader Purple Punguine writes in with a tale of trolling for Ukranian Hotts on the internet:
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db1,
I was searching through a travel website for people to meet new people for the countries that they will be visiting and I was talking to a girl until I saw this. So the question I have for you is this, its snowing outside the lake is frozen and you have 2 ukrainian hotts with the perfect licking hight, would not looking or even putting hands on them be douche?? Or for that matter would the fact that hes wearing a speedo in the winter at a frozen lake be douche?? I beg of you DB1 please tell me!!!
— Purple Punguine
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This email raises far more questions than it answers. Especially the “I was talking to a girl” part of it. Please do not end up in a bathtub filled with ice and missing a kidney, PP.
As to Ukranian douchebaggery in presence of Ukhottians, hey, they work with whats they got. Sad Christmas trees and an Alien Welcome Matt.
But oh how I lurve the Ukhotts. Especially their polymorphously perverse kneecaps.
Thursday, April 26, 2012Reader Mail: Someone Named Cream
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Dear douchebag1,
At first I wasn’t sure whether the douche was strong enough, as there was merely smug doucheface, finger point and sunglasses at night, in the presence of raven haired, olive skinned hott.
I persisted and followed the trail, stumbling across sunglasses in dimly lit bar, neck bling, and a virtual eyetrap of finger point.
The cherry on the cake comes in discovering that middle douche is none other than USA RAP STAR CREAM, made famous by this video cobbled together of clips from actual famous people’s videos.
– Docile
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Nothing says “rap star” like 263 views on Youtube.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012Reader Mail: Bree Olson 'Bag
Luke writes in with a first person tag and a quality email rant:
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Hi there DB1, hope you are well.
Too bad this twat walked in front of me, or I would have an epic hot chick with douche bag for you; Bree Olson with some random European tourist in Times Square. He was simply your basic Euro Bag, but the shit eating grin on his face was an order of magnitude above average.
By the way, never heard of the Boob Bus. I bet they sell stolen fake tits you can attach to Real Dolls or lifted flesh-lights out of the back in Wal*Mart parking lots to unsuspecting hicky morons in Alabama.
All the best,
Luke
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Ah yes, legendary Charlie Sheen “godess” Bree Olson, she of the inspirational Friday Haiku of 2011. HCwDB in porn is industry standard. But a quality tag is always appreciated Good work, Luke.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012Reader Mail: White Bags
John Evans do very much appreciate the ( white bags ).
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Good Day,
Good Morning to you and your Company. My name is John Evans and i am sending this Inquiry for ( White Bags ) that you do have in-stock. I will very much appreciate it if you can send me an email with some of the Models and Types that you do have in-stocks as now.
I will also like to know if you can get back to me with the Payment Options that your Company do accept as now. And also will like to know if you do also allow Freight Pick Up from your Location when the Order is ready to Ship. I will be waiting to hear from you soon .
Thanks
John Evans
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Here you go John, two (White Bags ). Free of charge. Boobies not included.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012Reader Mail: HCwDB Needs New Pics
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DB1,
yo…im a real fan. i back nice jewish boys who keep it highbrow.
however, i gotta tell you, the site needs help.
the reason you are loosing traffic to all the other idiots is simply a matter of the number of new posts with good pictures. every time i go to your site, its the same old pics and the same old idiots. its like pussy dude. you wanna come home to the same old twat every night?
i wanna always see new ones and lots of em or im not interested. take youre damn camera and hit the spots. open it up to more than the vegas pools and those steriodal tools. theres plenty of these peeps everywhere.
im writing you cause i like your indirect sexual poetry…youre kind of a dennis miller of douchenozzles.
im trying to help. your success will be a function of new pics and lots of em.
best of luck my tribal buddy
– Marti-
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First off, I’m lazy as a Codine’d koala. Secondly, I’m busy scratching my nethers in a furious up and down motion. HCwDB has always relied on the generous submissions of its readers. I’m only as good as what comes in the ole’ in box. So you don’t like the latest submits? Get to huntin’.
