Reader Mail
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Friday, April 13, 2012
Is "The North Face" Clothing Inspiring a Return to 2006-level Doucheyness?
Stephen writes in with the eagle-eyed alert:
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DB1,
The scan I’m attaching is of a card that came with my new shirt from The North Face.
It recommends erecting the “Sun Collar Stand” to protect your neck from harmful sun beams.
I’m fearful that the Greico virus is spreading to even outdoorsy-athletic types, and they’re inventing ways to legitimize collar popping.
Be safe out there!
– Stephen
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Good catch, Stephen. The Grieco Virus mutates in horrifying ways. This appears to be one of them.
Burn the label with butane, and don’t look back.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012Reader Mail: Report from Douche Mecca
Capt. James T. Douche beams in with a report from Douche Mecca:
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Hey DB1,
Nice to see you back hope you were relaxing with whatever you were doing wherever it was at.
So I decided to travel out to Vegas, I usually go 2 or 3 times a year to enjoy the desert, gamble and dine at some fancy resturants and generally enjoy time away from work and the midwest.
I tried to snap a few pics of the countless bags and Bleeths that are crawling, lurching and puking their way about town, alas I was hardly successful as I only was able to capture 2 pics that are even remotely worthwhile.
As it turns out it is rather difficult to snap pictures of someone without them knowing even in a place like Las Vegas. Anyways well if these are of any use, have at it.
Regards
Capt. James T. Douche
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Real-world first person tagging is no easy thing, CJTD, so your work is well appreciated. Vegas is filthy fun, and the douchebags with hot chicks both make the city what it is, and need to be fumigated with late 1980s Agent Orange.
May all of your giggle hotties have been drunk, and may your Aces have been split. Wait, that sounds vaguely inappropriate.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012Reader Mail: Unclear on the Concept
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Bob Banks gregsteve505@gmail.com
Mar 26 (2 days ago)
to: douchebag1
Good Day,
Am Bob i would to know whether you carry ( Bag Chairs ) in stock for sale if you do so email me with the price ranges on that so that i will know the one to offer and also i want to know if you accept
credit card as form of payment. Awaiting for your prompt reply.
Mr. Bob Banks
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Do I carry ( Bag Chairs ) in stock?
Perhaps I do, Mr. Am Bob Banks.
Perhaps I do.
Thursday, March 22, 2012Reader Mail: Phil is Inappropriate
Kellen writes up with a disturbing tale of Fratbaggery:
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DB1,
Sandwiched between these two sexy country girls is my buddy Phil. Phil likes to hunt, fish, and drink. When he drinks whiskey, he turns into a db.
His favorite game is Aliens. This is where Phil sneaks up behind a girl, thrusts his arm between her legs, and high fives her Mons Veneris. Apparently this is to replicate the eponymous scene where the Alien rips out of the guy’s chest, but nobody ever seems to get the joke but Phil.
– Kellen
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Uhm, I’m not sure where Phil comes from, but last I read, walking up to women and slapping them in inappropriate places is not a game called “Aliens.” It is a game called “Drink-in-Face and Lawsuit.”
Friday, February 17, 2012Reader Mail: Hardycar
Wedgie writes in:
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DB1:
I snapped this photo on Friday 2/10 while visiting a client in Coronado, an island city just across the bay from downtown San Diego. This is an affront to all of mankind, but is particularly galling by its presence on this most hallowed isle. For Coronado, as all patriotic U.S. Americans know, is both the birthplace of Seal Team 1, and the current residence for Seal Teams 1,3,5 & 7.
Not having any ordnance at my immediate disposal, I did the next best thing that came to mind, and peed on the rear bumper. In honor of Darksock.
We must keep up the fight. Remember, fellow hunters, it is always darkest before dawn.
Regards,
Wedgie
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It’s like a castrated gonorrheal elephant nad. Shaped like a car.
Good work, Wedgie. The battle continues.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012No More Friday Haiku
Haiku Guy from the most recent Friday Haiku writes in with a correctly worded and impressively well written (compared to the usual stuff) takedown request, and so I respek:
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Mr. Louis,
Please remove my photo and my name from this page immediately:
I’d also like to know who “Lo” is, in that this person felt the need to post my full legal name on your site (not sure why having a uniquely spelled name makes me a douche either? In fact I’ve never received anything but compliments. I guess my parents were more creative than “Lo’s” were). If they are someone I know, I’ll be quick to distance myself from them.
Clearly this mole had no respect for me when they decided to make it personal by associating my name to that picture. But your whole posting system is based upon being a coward it seems since anyone can post without joining and providing traceable information such as real name or email address… nice.
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No moles allowed to participate in the Mock. For they will rue the day.
Monday, January 30, 2012F#ckuhaterz responds to HCwDB
Musical afficianado F#ckuhaterz responded to yesterday’s critique of the melodic efforts of American Scrotelick in the comments threads with the following:
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Anyone who hates on this is a jealous idiot who probably f#cks his hand every night to the picture of his 300 pound grandmother! Expression of music is an art form it doesn’t matter who or what Is involved its about doing what you enjoy most! And none of you fags could probably EVER get a girl of that kind to even acknowledge your existence!!!!!!! So bathe in your bath of haterism and misery and try drinking some actright!!!!!
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Mmm… actright. It’s like Haterade. Only with more hegemony obeisance.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012Reader Mail: Lena's Cry For Help from Fratland
Lena writes in with a Fratbrosephus self-tag:
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Subject: help
rescue me please!
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I’d like to help, Lena, I really would, as you are tasty blonde perky spank. But there’s just too many Fratbags making references to Dane Cook and Bud Light Lime jello shots to counter without a firehose and a large polo mallet.
Thursday, January 19, 2012Reader Mail: The End of Librarian Hott Purity?
Mr. Biggs snapped this pic of Librarian Hott meeting a vortex of Douche Woo.
This tasks us with the following:
Have the signifiers of Librarian Hott neurotic-erotic entanglement become so coopted as to have become conceptually Bleethed?
And yes, the fact that that last sentence can communicate despite linguistic nonsensical phrasing gives me a deep and profound joy. Take that, Noam Chomsky.
Friday, January 13, 2012No More Dr. Douchebag
Angry Heather recants her previous missive:
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Dear DB1,
First, I would like thank you for posting the picture I submitted of my exboyfriend and I a few weeks ago, it is an honor that my photo made the cuts to be worthy of being published and I really appreciate it. I do love your website so much and I was shocked that it even made it up.
Unfortunately, I really wasn’t in the right state of mind when I submitted my bagicide letter and photo and would like you to take it down. I feel really badly but neither of us can take the beatdown (& I also don’t want to end up getting sued.)
You are the best, your website is #1 and I will always appreciate how kind it was of you to think my exboyfriend is one douched out jackass, so thank you, it makes me feel good in so many ways.
I will continue to frequent your site and get good laughs when I’m looking for something funny on the internet. Take care and keep the good postings coming. I’ll be a fan forever.
-Heather
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Easy come. Easy Botox.
