Thoughts and Links
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Friday, July 12, 2013
Friday Thoughts and Links
Joey’s Bikini and Speedo Party. Cleveland, Ohio. February.
Where even Clorox dares not to scrub.
Speaking of violent dismemberment, Sharknado was everything that I thought it could be and more. This interview with the writer of Sharknado, naturally a hipster Jew named Thunder Levin, is one of the greatest things ever written. I feel satiated. And anticipatory of shark week. So I got that going for me.
Yup. An unventful week.
Los Angeles finally got over its heatwave so your humb narrs chews on some stale Mallomars and contemplates the state of belly lint.
Philosophy is like chocolate. It gets melty if you leave it in the sun.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD post-Sharknado pic of the week: “This sweet little fish called the grunion swims up out of the ocean, onto the beach, for a moment of privacy for his mating ritual. And human beings swoop down on him, scoop him up, and fry him for dinner.”
Bon Jovi’s new album, New Jersey, gets it right.
This won’t end well. It’s like 70s David Bowie got Brundleflied with a Bratz doll. And yes, I just used Brundleflied as a verb. Or maybe an adjective. Me not grammar good.
Oh Captain Pubing. Your wacky dubstep lightshow infused MDMA noxious parties are all that sucks the joy and life out of youthful exuberance. How you make me long for Threes Company vs. The Love Boat on Family Feud. How many people think Cleveland is an important American city? Survey Says?… zero.
Bored this weekend? 33 Minutes of Fail makes the time go quicker.
When hipsters tire of raising chickens, this happens. Maybe I won’t move to Portland after all.
What happens when irony stares in the mirror.
Okay, for all your hard work mocking ‘bags this week, here ya go:
For it is pensive and poetic for this summer Friday.
Friday, July 5, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
The Donkster.
Still hard.
Now prison hard.
Still with Ukranians who came over here on a crate through the Baltimore docks during a union dispute.
Okay, enough about the Dock. I am way too excited about Sharknado.
Why is Sharknado transcendent genius?
1. The tagline. “Sharknado. Enough said.”
2. It’s sharks in a tornado.
3. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid.
Normally I don’t go for the cheesy post-Corman bad CGI irono-horror films. But Sharknado is no ordinary cheesy schlockathon. Okay, maybe it is.
But there’s poetry there.
Lucid self-aware video installation art. It’s like Laurie Anderson by way of Maureen’s protest in “Rent.”
I’m there. July 11th. And I only wish I was getting paid to promote this. I don’t get paid to promote anything, these days. Hells, alls I do is drink.
Here’s yer links:
Oh no you di’int. Yo’ momma! She got backboobs! These image insults brought to you by fifth grade.
I’ll take awkward perspective for $800, Alex.
Have I mentioned that Twinkies are back? Greenlight this, Hollywood.
In Japan, vegetables purchase you!
I have no clue what’s up with all the hipster “hey!” and “ho!” songs coming out in our post-Mumford moment. Something about reclaiming an analog, human sound in the age of too much digital overwhelm is my guess. Regardless, this is genius.
Okay, this is bad, I agree. But compared to Tebowing? On the one hand, murder. On the other hand, Tim Tebow. My Patriots fandom is being tasted like it’s 1992.
Evan Ferrante does the best Tom Cruise impression I’ve ever seen.
Regretful tattoos. The funniest slideshow of the year. Hands (feet) down.
The great Mother Jones magazine analyzes congress via Hipsters Vs. Bros paradigm. Bachmann for Top 5 Bleeth.
Technoviking in court. If you’re a fan of the Technoviking’s Nordic power, be sure to check out the genius that was Technoviking vs. Vernon Koekemoer, both of whom were douchestars on HCwDB back in the early days.
One of the Seans from internet lore bitches about having his douchey wedding mocked on social media. Suck it, Sean whatevers.
Okay, here it is. You’ve earned it:
And like that, it is the weekend.
Friday, June 28, 2013No Thoughts and No Links
Mobile Home Dave and Trashy Sophia.
Still living the rock star dream. On credit cards.
Hard at work on some new stuff that could be cool. Or it could not be cool. Or it could be cool as ice.
But anyways, I gots no links. Do not judge. For alpaca fondle won’t pay for itself.
So instead of links I leave you with the words of the great Vin Douchal, who wrote this poetic soliloquy on the dead end nature of thug life in the Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIHatethisguy thread:
———–
This tool is that friend of your’s friend’s cousin that shows up with them on a chill Saturday when you’re looking to spend a few hours watching the NCAA Tourney or a football game or the like, hanging out with no big plans.
He comes empty handed and instead of drinking the community Bud/Coors/Miller in the cooler goes to your fridge and drinks your Hoegaarden out of a frosty mug he found behind the frozen peas all the while complaining that there’s no orange slice to dangle on the mug rim. When the joint gets passed he slobbers on it and, unfortunately hands it to you as you are next..
On a trip to the bathroom he detours into your room and comes out with your iPod asking if you have any Steve Aoki on it, then takes a swig from the Cabo Wabo Bottle from your memorabilia case, the one that Sammy Haggar autographed for you when you had backstage passes , that you weren’t ever thinking of opening.
He puts his head back and tosses a vicodin from your medicine cabinet down with a mug draining.
When he sees your family photo on the mantle he points to your sister and says, “Man, I’d tear that motherf@#ing shit UP !!”
At some point you pull your friend aside and say, “I’m gonna take a leak. When I get out that dude’s gonna be gone, okay?”
———–
Brilliance.
Oh, and buy some stuff to support the site.
And, of course, have some Red Pear.
Friday, June 28, 2013Friday Haiku
Much like Spidey here,
This girl makes me want to shoot
Long white sticky ropes.
Love that tummy bulge
But Spidey has already
laid his eggs within
— FredN.
This is what happens
When radioactive douche
Bites normal spider
— DoucheyWallnuts
She lost her forearms
since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Venom was never
the smartest supervillain.
Bottoms at cleaners.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Friday, June 21, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Mongor.
Still out there.
Still with hot chicks.
Still meditating on whether Spinoza’s search for philosophical morality via ethics can ever be rectified with Nietzsche’s ubermensch philosophy in a cruel and unjust universe.
So do not judge Mongor’s blank face.
Like Rodin’s Thinker before him, Mongor must internalize all tensions between the intellectual and physical states.
For only then will Mongor achieve enlightenment. In bed.
Here’s yer links:
My good friend since the college years at NYU in the 90s, indie film legend Will Keenan stars in the last 35mm black and white musical ever to be made, The Ghastly Love of Johnny X
Speaking of entertainment, there was a time in America when this was considered amusing. That time is, thankfully, no more.
There are ads. There are great ads. And there are Russian tampon ads.
And then there is real life.
In the news: Donkey Douche goes swimming, leaves bodyspray in his wake.
Douchebags. Still on Facebook.
Sydney Australia tries to define the Aussiebag, calls them “tossers.”
Note to self: Don’t fill pool with liquid nitrogen.
What will your humble narrator be doing in October? Why Son of Monsterpalooza, of course. Now that Gallifrey One has been overrun by late-to-the-Who hipster douches led by the Fake Nerd Zombies of Chris Hardwick, I gotta go somewhere where the cool kids still won’t hang.
Here’s an amazing interview with the great Kim Deal. One of the greatest shows of my teen years was seeing The Breeders play at CBGBs in 1992.
My phone conversations with Verizon Wireless Billing go exactly like this.
Uberbros waste time doing stupid shit while the world burns.
Okay, before we get to the real pear, lets start off with:
But Hardy taint overwhelms suckle thigh. So here’s your reward:
And all is right.
Friday, June 14, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
No matter the ups and downs of our world economy, no matter the ins and outs of politics and social upheaval, there will always be douchebags prancing in clubs, pretending to have fun as they desperately desire to pokey the bobble fondle.
Yet missing out of sapphic coital cuddling because of the need to impress a nearby photographer.
And so the Darwinian club cycle continues.
Like a washing machine filled with sea salts and puke and set on spin.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB 1980s-era New York Book Pick of the Week: “…and it made me uncomfortable the way this guy was eating a scrawny chicken wing and looking at me. You know, I just wanted to tell him to knock it off and be a person.”
New Jersey. Ripping off the rabble with the douchiest of scams.
Cracked writes up The Four Douchiest Weddings Of All Time. Well done, childhood alternative to Mad.
But wait, what’s that? New Jersey fights back. Well done, Garden State. Another article on the story from the UK.
Well I’ll be dipped in dogshit.
Ever see Jesus Christ in a dog’s ass? You have now.
Real Vegas is awesome. Real Vegas is not running with the Goose for a thousand dollars while bad techno pumps and paid-to-pose Woo Hotties pretend to like you.
The greatest art project of the year. I often do this, but not in the name of art. Humbug.
The best way to react to Pear.
Speaking of, my new reality show pitch: Pear Chasers. We’re hoping to sell it to Fox.
Okay, you want real Pear. Well how’s about this:
It’s like a shmorgasboard of glute.
Friday, June 7, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
This pic is like microwaved turtle poo.
Simmering with sizzling micro heat.
I have no idea what micro heat is.
But I digress. It’s Friday bitches!!
Kinda a piddling collection of links this week as your humb narrs found himself passed out in a pool of Tequila vomit beneath an underpass near where the 134 meets the 405.
Long story.
It involves illegal shipment containers, doughnuts, a moldy trampoline and a magical unicorn with the posterior of an enflamed rhesus monkey.
I blame Zapata and the Sandanistas.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Buy Something After You Click this Link Link of the Week: Sure you’re aging at a rapid pace, losing libido and depressed, but why not hang a poster and pretend that you’re still in college
Posters of prostitutes are not what they seem.
Need the perfect gift? Say it with bacon.
Sometimes ya just gotta boogie down.
Douche Tags. Still out there. Still… uhm, well, I guess the word is douchey.
Okay, nuff of that stalling. Here’s your pear:
Like a vanilla carnal cupcake of pedantic delight.
Enjoy! For the weekend is upon.
Friday, May 31, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
New name for my site: Fried Beef Moobs with Hot Chicks.
Beefy McMoobwich is sill out there. Still a rejected McDonalds Dollar Menu item.
Still polluting Vegas Bar Hotts like a malignant melanoma made up of body oils, rubbing lotion, and a failed career as a massage therapist after getting cut from the high school wrestling team back in ’96.
Blonde Katie and Brunette Kate are the sun and the moon, my stars and my candelit dinners, and serious butt slappy whipper prod booble tickle pokey poink. Which is, of course, a euphemism for stocking chew. Let it be written, let it be done. For posterity.
And by posterity, I mean posterior. And by posterior, I mean tiger.
Here’s yer links:
Your classic rock CD pick of the week: “Yesterday and days before,
Sun is cold and rain is hot, I know, been that way for all my time, Till forever on it goes, Fill the circle fast and slow, I know, and I can’t stop my wonder.”
Rich ex-Facebook exec keeps working to avoid being a douchebag. I can think of a problem with this premise involving the words “Facebook” and “exec.”
Douchebag or Giant Fluorescent Pink Slug?
Instagram. Where scrotal essence calcifies.
Remember all the good times you had in college getting drunk and high and partying with hotties with perfect bodies? Think you’re being overly melodramatic when you long for those days again? You’re not. They were as good as you remember.
Pretend comedian actual douchebag Russell Brand continues to be a pretentious pseudo-intellectual twat. The core argument may be good, but please put down the fancy words, Russell, before you hurt yourself. You can’t escape your lot in life as a pretty-boy narcissist with nothing to offer but date rapes and AIDS jokes.
Pick-up-Artists vs. Lesbians. A fight worth having.
’nuff of this crap, here’s your pear:
It may be a repeat from the ‘Sock’s reign of error, but it’s a repeat worth having.
Friday, May 24, 2013Hot damn! Its time for…DarkSock's Friday thoughts and links
I cannot imagine what is on this guy’s phone to distract him from the spectacle around him…unless it’s Friday Thoughts And Links!
DarkSock here, getting ready for mammarial day, lounging on the Biloxi beach, chillin’, partying with old friends and generally horsing around.
Speaking of horses…this is what happens when you misspell “bridal” with “bridle”…
In the heat of the summer sometimes the ladies like it when you get a little kinky and whisper sweet things into their ear. Sometimes it’s the little things. Sometimes they just want to catch a good buzz. Or so they say.
Breaking news – This just in…Convicted choke-worthy ass clown behind “Girls Gone Wild” still an insufferable douche nozzle. Dude, we can see you’re full of crap, like a glass toilet.
But enough silly links. You are here for the Glory.
For the Noteworthy Pear:
Pretty Maidens All In A Row Pear(s).
And stay tuned for late night pear.
Son.
Friday, May 17, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah, those wonderful halcyon days of hormone-enhanced hyper-cartoon love.
This luxurious scene of love bongo reminds me of an E.E. Cummings poem. Only instead of references to emotional catharsis and the problematic nature of the heart, there’s lots of ass ‘roids.
So it’s another week here at the HCwDB homestead. Your friend in good times and bad.
LA is strangely quiet these days.
I blame the seismic shift in technology from TV model to internet DIY aesthetics.
Where will we land when the cable companies become as obsolete as CD-Roms? A brave new world with douchebags of hipster mock.
But with hyper-link boobies.
Speaking of hyper-link boobies, here’s yer links:
If you’re as into reliving your early youth in the early 1980s as I am, this book might just be textual nirvana.
Where’s Waldouche: Literal Edition
“I Went to the Playboy Mansion and it was Pretty Depressing.” Another great essay from Vice, one of the best sites on the internets.
The Jews hate the Herpsters. Because we have good taste.
Actually, according to this poll, everyone hates the herpsters.
In the news: Missing Orange Woman.
I can’t tell if this is offensive or genius. I’m going with genius.
Nuff with that. Here’s your Pear:
Soft. Spongey. Like sponge bread dipped in milk chewsuckle.
