"Glamour Boys" Circa 1989
The great Living Colour were years (decades?) ahead of the HCwDB curve with this pop ditty of musical mock from back in the late 1980s.
Comment of the Week: Vin Douchal
V.D. breaks down the Asshole McAssholewitz pairing and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:
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These two are great. An Inland Empire love story
Soon, Karyn, the Slots Area waitress at Fitzgeralds, will decide that her eggs ain’t getting any stronger, what with the meth use, bad nutrition and long list of questionable sex partners and realize that maybe she’s ready to snare a mate.
She’ll have her IUD secretly taken out and McAssholewitz becomes “The Choice”. She loves the feel of sitting behind him on his Yamaha 240 He’s got a job, well sorta, as he is the bar back at the big strip club. He takes home well over $30 a night in shared tips on top of his minimum wage salary and at least there’s a health insurance plan (although the $5000 yearly deductible seems like Mt Everest).
She realizes after six months that she should be pregnant by now so at the free clinic she signs up for an experimental fertility treatment touted as “Las Vegas’ Most Discreet Planned Parenthood Office”. BOOM!, the treatment works and twins are on the way
The happy day arrives as McAssholewitz, awful tattoos sprouting out around the delivery room scrub shirt, sees his two spawn for the first time, both girls to his dismay
They name them “Hashtag” and Retweet” . His dispair knows no bounds as the screaming is multiplied exponentialy with every smelly diaper, spit up incident and 4:00 A.M. feeding
He leaves her, moving back with his buddies in Rubidoux. Her four month old poo and wailing machines drive her to the point of exhaustion until finally she is forced to move back home with her dissapointed mother, a school cafeteria worker in the Jurupa School District. She weighs 84 pounds
The D.A. of Riverside County spends the next 17 years and 8 months chasing McAssholewitz for child support payments and suspends his drivers license every other month.
McAssholewitz, now a spent, talentless, terribly ugly, friendless, unemployable middle aged lump of his former self signs the back of his $223 welfare check then says “Screw it” and eats the barrel of a .45 in his 400 square foot basement apartment in Moreno Valley. The M.E. team jokes about ” a helluva wall splatter.
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Friday Thoughts and Links
When a scarfed-up Mongor dates the hotter younger sister of that chick who had the babies with Paul Thomas Anderson, then it is on. So on.
So, uhm, yeah. The 2012 Douchie Awards. I’mma guess they start on December 7th. Which means I gots work to do.
But this awards show be small.
Drunken.
With dwindling HoHo supply to sustain.
Handing out a smaller batch of awards this year, as befits a one-joke blog in its sixth year of existence. But Douchies there shall be!!
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Hannukah Gift of the Week: “Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.”
Have years of douche mock influenced hottie natural selection?
Fan of hot French chicks? Of course you are. Fan of Swedish death metal? HCwDB provides for you.
Just the other day I was sitting around, munching my dwindling supply of tasty Hostess HoHos, and said to myself, “Self? What would an Egyptian Popeye look like?” And now I know.
When is a Rubik’s Cube not a Rubik’s Cube? When it’s yo’ momma.
If you haven’t seen this yet, enjoy the greatest prank ever played. Well, other than this one.
But you are not here for internet memes and illustration art. You are here for Pear. Enjoy:
For the organic pear that grows in the wild is always the choicest. More? Okay:
Sort of the karmic inversion of the bed pan. Unless you pee in it.
Friday Haiku
Gabe’s O.C.D. rages;
Must…Pop…Balloons…*CAN’T RESIST*
Silicone drowns Gabe.
Sweet face and cute tits
Contrast arm and thigh tattoos
And fat f*ck douchebag
— DoucheyWallnuts
Another douchebag
In way over his pay grade
Jergens at home
Mystery hand in
The background making the L
Gesture says it all!
— Capt. James T. Douche
This twinkie’s filling
supports a shelf that has an put
infinite shelf life.
— Charles Douchewin
Gabe’s forced grin reveals
No love for the funbags. Crows
“ANY-COCK’L-DOO!!!”
— Mr. Scrotato Head
He’s been a sad clown
Since the gyroscope was put
In her monkey hole.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Justin Bieber's Douchier Twin Gets Lucky With his Friend's Hot Mom
File this one under lazy comedy headlines. I’m gettin’ a doughnut.
According to Lorraine, Melvin Is Not Actually a Very Serious Pimp
According to Melvin, Melvin’s iTunes mix channel is like totally gonna blow up mad serious yo and you just wait.
According to the DB1, Lorraine’s belly requires immediate pooch spackle.
Asshole McAssholewitz Wastes Oxygen, Hits on Karyn
Mark today the real day the music died.
Douche lobes for the social loss.
Morty Largeman Wishes He Didn't Bring Manuel to the Party
Now Manuel is all over his longtime secret crush from accounting, Claire.
Morty can only sigh. And consider shaving his beard.
Claire has the elfin looks and alabaster skin of the lost Henry James novel, “Fondling of the Upper Class.”
Stupid T-Shirts Fail to Amuse
There is one, and only one, slogan t-shirt to rule them all and it is thus.
When All the Single Ladies Make the Bleeth Face…
…the Baby Tebus drops trou and projectile sharts on the Mona Lisa.
Yeah, lookin’ at you, acclaimed author Michael Chabon. Top that literary sentence. Didn’t think so. Bitch.
