Find Waldo…
…and by “Waldo” I mean douchenozzle.
Somewhere in this sultry stack of sapphic sensuality I’ve hidden Raspberry McDingus. Can you find him? And then beat him with a frozen rump roast?
Breaking News
We here at the HCwDB News Desk have just been informed of the untimely death of actor Gary Shandling’s eldest son, Ginger Shandling, during an outing to Las Vegas.
According to Clark County Coroner (and noted notary public) Lance Parkertip, Mr. Shandling’s wounds indicate that he was mauled by a desperate cougar.
Swole McSweater and his disturbingly affectionate aunts from long island approve of the HCwDB of the Week
HCwDB of the Week: Arturo, Skinny Kathy and that dirty-ass door
DarkSock here, with the keys to the family station wagon for a whole week while DB1 is doing whatever it is they do in Bah-ston, plus occasionally checking in to make sure I don’t put frontal nudity, uncensored curse words and terms like “Monkey Hole” here on the front page.
Now, this is the part where I would typically wax poetic about why Arturo deserves the (semi)coveted ‘Bag o’ the Week (dis)honor. But quite frankly I cannot put it better than long-time lurker Missy, who was moved to opine, “WASH YOUR G*D D*MN DOOR YOU ****ING ASSHOLE”.
Indeed, Missy. Indeed.
Here’s a photograph of a nice clean front door for you, gentle readers, to serve as a palette cleanse to get the taste of door grime out of your mouths.
Balloons
A part of Dave’s so-called family.
Comment of the Week: Dude McCrudeshoes
Dude McC doesn’t quite get the math right, but does an excellent deconstruction of the sexual proclivities of the Olympic village, and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week.
Alls I know is would lightly rat-a-tat “Hava Nagila” on Semitic hottie Aly Raisman’s glutes with two elongated licorice sticks and a battery powered metronome. And no, that is not a euphemism for the peen.
———–
Olympic Math:
There are about 10,000 athletes living in the Olympic Village. 10,000 of the world’s fittest bodies; young people at the high point of their lives; and slightly carnival atmosphere are going to lead to a little bit of sex. But how much?
The London organizers like to be prepared (in every sense of the word), and expect to hand out 150,000 free condoms. Is this ridiculous number? Apparently not. Sidney organizers went through 70,000 in just the first week, while Vancouver organizers said their 100,000 did not last the whole fortnight.
So 150,000 seems a reasonable number. If you ever thought you had the makings of a world class athlete, but neglected your training, here is what you missed out on: 150,000 condoms for 10,000 Olympians works out to 150 per athlete. But wait… presumably athletes are not using them for ‘singles sports’. No, this is usually a doubles, or even triples, event. Just sticking with couples (no reason to get all kinky), this means every athlete is expected to get busy 300 times over the 2 week period. That’s over 21 times each day; or roughly once an hour if they restrict themselves to just 3 hours of sleep.
Consider for the most part that people have just met, and you have to condense small talk, flirting, petting, foreplay, and monkey sex into each one hour block. Each athlete is engaging in a CONSTANT, ahem, marathon, of sexual escapades. Kinda makes you want to pick up a ping pong paddle on your way home, doesn’t it?
———-
Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humb narrs is now in Boston for a little family time. Dunkin Donuts coffee will be consumed. Oh yes, it will be consumed.
The legendary ‘Sock has graciously agreed to step in and keep you entertained next week while I troll through the traumatic memories of the teen years and search for Rosebud.
The mock must continue. Oh yes.
King Douchuous the IV and the Bobble Blondes would have it no other way.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Classic CD of the Week: “I met my love by the gas works wall, Dreamed a dream by the old canal, I kissed my girl by the factory wall, Dirty old town, Dirty old town…”
If you’re a fan of the card games, but aren’t sure about which sites are legit, give pokerblog.com a checkout. It’s also one of HCwDB’s friends, so it’s a good cause, too.
Eagle-eyed Hector tags The King desperately trying to get his fledgling acting career going.
Another eagle-eyed reader, Derek catches a true 100% purity of douche trying to get a job on LinkedIn. “I basically worked here because the girls were hot” for the win/loss.
A bunch of Gwai-Lo Bros get matching Beef with Broccoli tatts. Attempts to locate a self through the iconography of foreign culture continues among the spiritually broken.
Here’s a depressing read on the legacy of Zyzz, aka Mecha Hineyho, in Australia. Rape, ultraviolence, and Beethoven, without the Beethoven.
From the mixed emotions department: Mohawk Guy helps land the Mars Rover.
The technology changes, but the douchebags do not.
Someone named Bill Schultz, who hosts a show on Fox News called Red Eye, is apparently a violently nauseating Grieco Bag. Yeesh, what a greasy maroon.
America’s youth. Still shoving vodka-soaked tampons up their butts.
The Olympics are almost over, but I’m still recovering from the fact that Ryan Lochte wore a grill.
But you are not here for endless Olympic references. You are here for pear.
And if that ain’t enough, try on some
And life suddenly has meaning and worth again.
The DB1 Tries Out for the Olympics
Here’s a little known fact about my past, before I started mocking douchebags for a living. I was once an ambitious Olympic hurdler. Here’s a video of my last career race, which, unfortunately for all involved, did not end so well.
I am also a short Chinese man. At least for the purposes of this joke.
Carry on, my wayward son.
Friday Haiku
In bed, Lance causes
Seven seconds of terror,
Much like the Mars probe.
Space man is not thrilled.
Ground control to major Tom:
You’re gay as Bowie.
— hermit
Steve’s new pick-up line:
“Open the pod bay doors, H.A.L.”
results in dry balls.
— Douche Wayne
Luke Guystalker just
Wants these icky girls to go.
Saddles up Mugwomps.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
One small step for man
One giant step for douchebags
These steps are backwards.
— DoucheyWallnuts
Tunahead Is About to Make an Awkward Fish Joke to Ashley
Ashley will not get it.
