The Bearded Jackalope Creeps on Vasser Girls
That’s what happens when you go to college upstate, Kathy and Jeni-Lynn. When the trout pond is stalked with second tier trout, then those trout will be hairy unshaven patchouli phish.
Cartoon America
To paraphrase the old guy talking to Jimmy Stewart in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, when the douchebags become cartoons, print the cartoons.
Reader Mail: URC is the Town Mascot of Marshalltown, Iowa
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DB1,
This is from Marshalltown Iowa – no poo here – at least not much. This town is hard, like Fort Worth, or Detroit minus the rappers and pawn bling. Yet the summer festival mascot is the Ubiquitous Red Cup. Is there a deeper, darker meaning to this – I see Tom Hanks, weird rituals, Dan Brown novels…? By the way, This is a tshirt hanging in the grocery store – so you know it’s real. Grocers don’t mess around.
– Edwin
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“Is this a douchey frat party?” “It’s Iowa.” — Field of Poo
Axl Oldey Approves of the HCwDB of the Month
Rockstar Leniency Rule never dies.
It just starts to shout at kids to get off its lawn.
HCwDB of the Month: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
K.V. had a long and inglorious run of ‘hawked makeouts with a variety of quality hotts over the past month. From drunken makeouts with Naughty Nape Nanine to fauxhawk spittle, is there a more egregious example of seal nads punch?
But of this run of club party poo, no pic is more infuriating, or more deserving to be in the Yearly, than this atrocity.
There will be no vote.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
Michele Jenneke: The Hottest Hurdler in Creation
There is hope and light and lutes playing in the darkest crevices of the universe as I slather her pooch thigh suckle taut with massage oils from Tripoli and a dash of whipped cream, and then gnaw like a hungry Peruvian aardvark outside of Winterfell.
Comment of the Week: ehcuodouche
Longtime reader, occasional poster, ehcuodouche, comes through with this important factoid and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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Incidentally, the Chinese character is the radical for woman underneath the radical for house. The implication being that having a woman in your house leads to peace. The further implication being that she has the most ironic tattoo ever, because if she was ever under my roof for any other reason than breaking and entering I’d throw her headfirst out the back door.
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Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humb narrs is spending the week in NYC on a bit of a melancholic mission.
You see, ever since I was a wee lad at NYU back in the 1990s, I’ve had this rent stabilized apartment in the east village. I lived there in a state of perpetual festivity for many a southern moon.
But, after venturing forth to the city of angels in 2002, and many years and roommates and adventures traveling back and forth between Hollywoodland and reality, it is finally time for me to give my beloved apartment up. And cease the stalking of all east village boobie hottie suckle thighs once and for all.
And so I arrive in humid NYC for a final pack-up of all reminders of DB1’s carousing life back in the dreamland phantasmagoria New York. I sit in the rain and eat raisin challah, and reminisce. Back when the federal budget was balanced, the subway was introducing sweet new technology, and “Sex and the City” inspired a generation of 18-24 year olds to order cosmos and make out with strangers on the street.
What a different world stares at me in NYC today. My hatred for conservatism remains unabated. I experienced 9/11 up close, and then watched a bunch of moronic right wing con-men use it to manipulate the rubes for a decade. What damage to this world a bunch of sexually repressed angry old white men have caused. Throughout world history, if you think about it.
But that is all in the past. Well, sort of. But it is a fairly beautiful Friday on 1st Ave. And so I sit at a coffee shop and oggle aspiring model/actresses walking their tiny yapper dogs on 9th street.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Kindle Book of the Week: “As Mel said to me, he wanted to make a movie that would ‘convert the Jews to Christianity.'”
Ever wonder what a typical day in the Los Angeles life of the DB1 is like?: Robert Blake staring at me by the turkey carving station at Gelson’s.
Speaking of the 90s. When nothing was going on.
CNN covers the Hipster Olympics. To quote Jon Stewart, this… is CNN?
Bleeth runs for the Senate. It’s like a bad early 00s Reese Witherspoon chick flick, only without a Wilson brother.
For the foodies among us, douche mocking now includes a restaurant offering a douche burger. The $666 price tag is pretty genius.
Jesse Pinkman was once on The Price is Right. Gives new meaning to “Showcase Showdown.”
Even the legendary and forever nottabag Snoop Dogg challenges Rockstar Leniency Rule by calling himself Snoop Lion.
7-11 now has a mashed potato vending machine. And it is awesome.
But you are not here for mashed potato vending machine. You are here for pear. And so here’s some un-NYC pear for you:
Attitude that you would put up with. Because you deserve it.
Reader Mail: Harry Palmerbag Laments a Bartender Hott
I received this cryptic email in my in-box this morning:
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I am concerned for the soul of Rockhell, my bikini bartender/hot center of my empty universe. She is a fan if Jersey Shore and douche cilture. I blame society. My soul is wearing thin like an Corono bikini bottom.
Yours (by that I mean hers)
– Harry PalmerBag
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Who knows how many hearts this mysterious “Rockhell” bikini bartender hath broken.
What I do know is that “Corono” bikini bottoms speak to us all. Even those with limited spelling ability.
Friday Haiku
Jules learns a lesson
About dating guys she meets
At Underpasses
Choking fantasy
Goes wrong, throw in the bath salts
Hell of a snuff film.
— Capt. James T. Douche
Bath Salts Magician
Finds his latest assistant.
Makes face disappear.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Bath salts Jesus gives
Sermon on the Towel. Bleeth
sees burning bushes.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Occupy Wall Street
Was too mainstream for these two
Occupy Skid Row
— Douche Wayne
