Friday the 13th Haiku
Family reunion
Gets awkward when Todd wears jeans
And sports unshaved balls
~or~
Then from Jack’s blue jeans
The midget burst out, yelling
“THE ARISTOCRATS!!!”
~or~
We’re here to answer
That CraigsList ad by some guy:
“Baron Von Goolo…?”
The pasties don’t move
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
At the strip club it’s
“Bring your brother to work day”.
Todd thinks, “Dumb idea.”
— Troy Tempest
Kim Kardouchian
Has new reality show
“Me and Four Losers”
— DoucheyWallnuts says
Mamas and Papas
Tribute band Fails Cal. Dreamin’
with Cleveland Steamin’.
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Goldiana Boobs and the Temple of Choad
Wait’ll see what she calls “Short Round.”
I’ll take “Early 80s References By The Guy Who Can’t Accept That He Lives in A Katy Perry and Justin Bieber World” for $1600, Alex.
The Inartful Dodger
Later, he’s going to show Estella his Fagin.
Yeah, that’s right, I’m making Dickens references. Whaddaya want? I went to Trader Joes yesterday and the Real Housewives of Los Angeles kept knocking me out of the aisles with giant baby strollers and residual pilates sweat. Almost stopped me from buying my Joe-Joes. And nobody puts Joe-Joes in the corner.
Reader Mail: Jonezy Tags the HCwDB Book And Gets Some 23 y/o Suckle Thigh
Long-time regular Jonezy writes in with a report:
——————–
Yo DB1,
Long time. Hope you are doing well.
I was walking in downtown St. Louis a few weeks ago, on their main strip, Washington Ave. I was pleasantly surprised to see one of the finest literary feats of modern man displayed prominently in their window. Take a look at the attached.
I can’t recall the name of the shop, and couldn’t really tell what the hell their angle was- was it an art shop, or a chic clothing retailer? Perhaps a hipster haven? Most of the shop was just empty white space, but I can get the name of the store if you’d like to know- Google maps doesn’t have it listed yet, so it must be pretty new. Anyway…
I was in Santa Monica last weekend. My buddy claims that Mom’s is the best bar in town- I think it’s just his favorite cuz he has a lot of luck there. I must admit, it was right up my alley. Not many d-bags, and tons of young hotties. And cheap, very boozy drinks. That’s pretty much all I can ask for.
I was pretty happy some 23 year old chick took me home with her that night- girls that young don’t come my way much anymore- but honestly, and I think this was actually my line to her, I was just happy to sleep in a bed rather than my buddy’s rock hard futon.
Jonezy
————-
And by your buddy’s rock-hard futon you mean paying for shelter like a homeless Greek bathroom attendant during the age of Hellenism.
Good work Jonezy, and I’m pleased to see St. Louis has such impeccable literary taste.
All hail the 23 year old who feels pity for the bedless man. Many a memorable night that await recall when we’re all eating pudding in the retirement home begin in just such a way.
Call-Me-Guy Lays an Ethereal Turd
Beach Bunny Bonnie wouldn’t be amused if not for the four Fuzzy Navels plied on her by Call-Me-Guy during happy hour. And by plied on her, I mean forced intravenously at gun point. I know it seems like a tall tale to believe gun violence took place shortly before this pic was taken. But Call-Me-Guy continues to work on deep rooted rage issues ever since mommy threw away Blinkie when he was two.
Owen Wilson Nose and Kissylips Pollute Sandy
Doucheface and Rayon Shirt piddle hyperbole like a salami on roller skates.
Somewhere on the Long Island Shore…
Angie’s, like, totally annoyed because she, like, left her ‘gloss in her parents white BMW 525 and now her lips are, like, totally cracked, and, like, Antonio doesn’t express no sympathy and is being such a juicehead, so she’s totally not sorry any more that she gave Mikey a h-j in the parking lot of the Five Guys on Tuesday night.
Just so’s you know.
Ask DB1: UFC Fighter Head
————
Db1,
Is it douchey to have your favorite UFC fighter shaved into your dome?
CJTD
————
Yes. Yes it is.
EDIT: As per a suggestion in the comments thread, the reward for enduring this atrocity and blight upon out culture is the glory that is Fusball Pear.
Sombrero Mike Loves Lavo
I’m guessing Lavo is his pet ferret. Anyone else?
Mmmm… Slender Margruita. How your shiney and freshly washed hair smells faintly of Herbal Essence and calcified water. I judge not your nasal lilt, for your doe eyes bespeak sunrises of pooch slap and thigh suckle with a margarita chaser. No salt. Beaches of butt poke, and an overpriced bill from a surly waiter.
Where's Gruber, Annoying Techno German Superstar?
Somewhere in this pic of slender Nordic Leg Suckles, I’ve carefully hidden Gruber, Annoying Techno German Superstar.
Look closely.
Can you express no emotion to his synchronic beats?
