Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Boobs n' Boobs

As postmodern collision montage gave way to ironic representationalism in the early aughts, a Banksian sense of play returned under a more generalized Rauch-inspired urban political critique. This formalism, giving way to expressionist renderings of interiority, took the form of spectacle rooted in street art class-style exhibitionist critique.

We see an equivalent with post-Gehry architecture, and certainly with boobsy mcboosal boobs. For once a diacritic sense of formalism returned, at least in a Derridean deconstructionist sense, then dudes holding rubber boobs became art followed shortly thereafter.

Linda and a Boatful of Bros

It’s kinda like “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”

Only instead of porridge, there’s the herp.

Kissieus Vomitorious Continues to Spread his Fauxhawk Spittle

It’s like raaiiiinnnn… on a hotties face….

Yeah, I got nuthin’. Where’s my coffee?

They Would Walk 500 Miles…

…just to buy Kelly a Mai Tai.

…then talk awkwardly about the local sports team and the weather while a bad Katy Perry song played.

…then clear their throats.

…then say “it was nice to meet you” as Kelly headed for the door even though Kelly had another hour on her Corona Light bikini promotion (she quit).

… then go home to watch midget fetish porn and hold hands.

‘Cause you know they’re gonna be, they’re gonna be the douches who gets drunk next to Kelly.

Kisseus Vomitorious

Or, as the Romans used to say: Douchus Ex Machina. Translation: Kissy Faux Pisses in the Sippy Cup.

Headwound Horace and Angry Angie Approve of the HCwDB of the Week

Headwound Horace and Angry Angie may never claim an HCwDB of their own, so they’ll be content to vicariously approve another coupling’s victory (loss) instead.

Kind of like the failed athlete who cheers on his teammates at the Summer Games in London.

And by failed athlete, I mean insane professor of physics who’s discovered an alien in the trunk of a Chevy Malibu. And by Summer Games I mean Particle Man. And by London, I mean scarf.

HCwDB of the Week: Victoria and the Weenus

Last week was a light week for pics, what with the 4th and all. But we’se gots to have an award, and this couple rankles me for some reason beyond the specificities of the hottie/douchey signifiers.

I’m thinkin’ it’s douche shirt.

And Victoria is sneaky subversive sexy.

So together, I bequeath them HCwDB of the Week.

And your humb narrs for Raisin Bran.

Llamas with Hats

Far more entertainment than should be allowed on a lazy Sunday in a free society.

Comment of the Week: Captain James T. Douche

Capt. J.T.D. sums up the crisis of the ‘bagling in the Melvin Finkelstein thread and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

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With the promise of hooking them up with some complimentary bottle service and the teeniest sliver of hope of a handjob, Melvin scrounged up some wounded soldiers from the other VIP areas and watered down the leftover booze with pool water and cleaning chemicals as well as grabbed a few carafes of whatever was laying around at the bar fermenting in the sun. Some improvised peacocking and seduction tips his pal Moishe had given him along with a few quick one liners and the snap of a camera phone later and he’s back to skimming the jizz out of the jacuzi before the big cheese gets wind of it all. That pic will earn him serious respect and street cred at Hebrew school this week as well as he’ll be dotting the eye on daquigans mons ink in his dreams for a good month when he tosses a load into a sweat sock.

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Quality mock. Moishe does have the best seduction tips.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Ab Reveal in Presence of SluttyHott.

Still out there.

Still taking a ferret dump on the collected works of Shakespeare.

Happy Post-4th to all the ‘bag hunters who made it with me through the bumpy site upgrades. This place has always been held together with spit, twine, and bodyspray, so bear with.

Lucky Punkass is almost active, and that’ll give me a place to rant about other things beyond the hottie/douchey mock. But otherwise, HCwDB is HCwDB. Let us carry onward until dawn with a 1/2 a HoHo for sustenance.

Here’s your links:

In honor of the once-great-now-exploited Comicon, of which the DB1 will most assuredly not be attending, here’s your HCwDB Nerd Toy of the Week: “Well, you can’t rule the world in hiding.You’ve got to come out onto the balcony sometimes and wave a tentacle, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

Tentatively, the site seems to be working again. Cross your fingers, and have some champagne.

And some Champagne Katie. Even if she is still dating the oldbags.

I’m not normally attracted to Nordic Blonde Hotts, but when I am she’s Patsy Kensit in 1990. And Liz Hurley ain’t so bad neither.

Bro V. Douchebag at the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. I wish I’d come up with this joke first. Oh wait, I did.

Semitic Hottie Bar Rafaeli is now a hottie ‘bag hunter. When the models turn, so does the battle. What’s she mocking? This clown.

But you are not hear for soccer clown. You are here for Pear.

Pear submissions have been unusually high lately, and I’m not sure why. Summer Pear Fever? Anyways, here’s a tri-sampling of the latest:

Cycle Pear

For the melonious lovers among us:

Spandex Pear

And for the Star Wars geeks, the greatness that is…

Droid Pear

Awwww yeeee. Thass what I’se talkin’ about, yo! (said in my best Lucas voice) Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.