Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Headwound Horace Approves of the HCwDB of the Week

And by approves, Headwound Horace means lice.

HCwDB of the Week: Moses McJesus and Mary Poochdalene

Once again I just can’t select a Herpster as the HCwDB of the Week. I have a block, I tell you, a block. And by block, I mean hatred for those who order microbrews and pay with quarters.

Besting Funger Whackenstein and Angie by a douchetatt, Moses McJ and Mary win for sheer religious douchery.

But last week also saw award Brooke’s Award Winning Golden Globes, and the pouty perfection of Mindy Pout in the aforementioned Herpster disgrace, and the barely legal hotts of Dieselcrotch.

But something about the unholy Moses/Jesus tatt configuration, and the secky pooch of slutty hotty Mary Poochdalene, takes the prize this week.

And your humble narrator for instant oatmeal with raisins.

Ayn Rand and L. Ron Hubbard: The Early Years

Mocking cultists is always a good way to spend a Sunday.

Comment of the Week: Jacques Doucheteau

Like a modern day Jefferson, Hamilton, and Spicolli, Jacques Doucheteau pens the “Declaration of Douchiness” in the Dieselcrotch thread, and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

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I think it’s actually the Declaration of Douchiness.

We hold these boobies to self-levitate, that not all men are created equal, that they are well endowed by their Personal Trainer with certain Anabolic Steroids, that among these are Clenbuterol, Methyltestosterone and the pursuit of Swoleness. — That to secure these bitches, Night Clubs are instituted among Men, deriving their just wattage from the playlist of the iPod, — That whenever any Form of Fist pumping becomes destructive of these beats, it is the Right of the Bouncer to yell at or to abolish it, and to institute new Fist Pumping, laying its foundation on such rhythms and organizing its beats in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their House and Dubstep. Narcissism, indeed, will dictate that Parties long established should not be changed for lame and transient city ordinances; and accordingly all rumors hath shewn, that Douchebags are more disposed to suffer, while fags in their mom’s basement are sufferable, than to fight each other by abolishing the hotties to which they are accustomed. But when a long weekend of bodily abuses and libations, pursuing invariably the same taut Hottie, evinces a design to frustrate them under absolute Rejection, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Lesbo Bitch Whores, and to provide new Guidettes for their future Cream Pie-ing.

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Friday Thoughts and Links

When Champagne Katie plays poker with low-rent Andy Garciabag, the moon is in the seventh house music, and Jupiter aligns with Bruno Mars, then you will know that Friday Thoughts and Links are here.

Doing some site upgrades this week, including adding a personal rant blog for your humble narrator to vent on things not directly related to hottie/douchey dialectics.

Am otherwise plodding along with my strange Hollywood career, while peep-lusting at the Hollywood Yoga Hotts through giant yoga windows on Venture from betweenst ferns and gullys.

Yoga. Where privileged white people go to perform Zen masquerade for others as a spiritual band-aid covering profound and existential lack.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “When you got an all-out prizefight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that’s how you know who won. “

Some scrotebaggy writer defends Pretentious Herspter Foodie Douchebaggery. Uses the word “artisanal” many times. Fails.

Samantha Bee and the great Daily Show report on Douche Fever in Wisconsin.

Many items from the pop culture dustbin known as the 1980s have aged into moldy gouda. But Peter Gabriel’s Biko remains as potent, and as brilliant, as ever. One of the greatest songs ever written.

“That’s a clown question, bro.”

The most important academic competition in Europe since Hoyle didn’t share Fowler’s Nobel Prize for Physics in 1983: Best Pear of Holland. Mmm… Nordic, Aryan, Ubermenschen Pear.

An eagle-eyed reader caught this news headline about an Axe Bodyspray Thief. Closeup of the Thief: What you think.

Remember that Asian Hott and Uberdouchey Rocker Shitestain who were famous or something? Yeah, me neither. They broke up.

Skinny Girl Cocktails. Teaching Hot Chicks to “Wooo!” with primal mating call. Which would be good, if not for douchal attraction.

But you are not here for cocktails. You are here for Pear.

1980s Pleather Office Furniture Pear

Pear is tactile. Pear is true.

Ask DB1: Adrien Brody's Herpsterism

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I bid you a good afternoon, DB1.

Douche Springsteen

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Brody is autobag. The statute of limitations for Rockstar Leniency given his Academy Award in Polanski’s “The Pianist” has expired. “Predators” negates all thespian leniency.

Herpster.

Friday Haiku

Screams rend the sea air;

Jon pulled away; his nipple

Stayed with Urchin Bra.

Ladyboy of the

Sea trolls the docks for new ports

For sea cucumber.

— Capt. James T. Douche

Motorboat spiked boobs

Result: bad head injury

Jon will try again

— saulgoode42

King Henry of Jaune

Crossed the lake on a jet ski to

Feel the rasp of boob.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Mandana tilt guy

Swigs sunscreen rubs on vodka

Bros, set him on fire.

— ehcuodouche

Moses McJesus Heals the Sinners

And by heals the sinners, Adonai means smokes a spliff, borrows twenty bucks from his aunt Rachel, blows it on scratch tickets and a Slurpee, and spends the day lounging by the pool, bothering Mary, and avoiding a summons for an unpaid parking ticket.

It’s in Fluke 4:20. It’s a lesser known Bible passage. Like that story on off-track betting in the Himalayas, I’m sure you’ve been following it.

Neckglasses

For when your necktatt needs U.V. protection.

Breaking: Aliens Disgusted with HCwDB Boatbaggery, Vow Never to Return

Remember the alien mother ship that pondered the HCwDB Boatbaggery dilemma yesterday?

Word on the streets is that pilot Xenu took one look at Marty McPointer pointing at Barbarella Woo and was outtie.