Comment of the Week: The Reverend Chad Kroeger
In helping to anoint our newest member of the sacred Hall of Hott, Sonya, with prose of celebratory purity boobie hottie suckle thigh, The Rev. wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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With only 299 of my nearest acquaintances, I would fight Xerxes of the H.M.H. (Heathen Moslim Horde) and 500K of his goat blasters for the chance to be dragged 100 miles dehydrated in the Sahara sun to bleed on the glass her one female ancestor left as they fled from Old Jerusalem with no weapons but hair blowers and extension cords. For the chance only that I may hear a recording of her voice on Victrola with my Grandmother’s ghost whispering ” Please don’t listen.” As I listen on the phone to her sighs of ignorance as I take my dying breath sucking on a nipple.
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And no, there ain’t no vote. When a future ex-Mrs.-DB1 makes her pre-librarian divorce hott purity appearance, the Hall is enshrined with ostrich tickle.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Creepy Crustacean Bros continue to haunt America’s young chicas, and what’s Obama done about it? Nothing! Nothing I tells you.
Where’s Dick Cheney when you need him. With a buckshot to the doucheface.
Yeppers.
Your humb narrs is all sorts of itchy and irritated today.
Too many Hollywood battles to recount. Some good, some great, some a flying pile of rotten euro-pie in the face of the Godhead.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Pick of the Somewhat Depressing Great Work of Groundbreaking Graphic Novel: “Friends? Your friends? If you lock them together in a room with no food for a week…Then you could see what it is, friends!…”
Worst. Tattoo. Ever. (NSFW)
Maxim’s Hot 100 has Semitic Boobie Tickle Pooch Spackle Suckle Thighs at #1 and #3.
The always ahead-of-the-curve city of San Francisco debuts Sausage-Fest Fighting Bar Software. Or, as they used to call them, “bouncers.”
I often discover HCwDB’s influence in surprising places. RIP big guy. We still miss you.
Reader Et Tu Douche? tags a Goose Car.
Tanning Mom still burnt. Still from Jersey.
Arizona continues to rapidly devolve into the second most useless, ignorant, ass-backwards and pathetic state in the union (Texas holding strong at #1).
After Herpsters… “Chappies”?
You are here for Pear:
Mmmm… Hypertoned Aryan Longjump Pear… but that’s not the pear we speak of… for it is
Little known fact, the 13th Century Sephardim included Table Pear on their Passover seder plate. It represented the pillows of our forefathers, who were denied boobie hottie suckle thigh by Pharoah.
Or whateves. Go forth and have fun tonight.
Douche Parking
Even Londoners are getting in on the mock.
Friday Haiku
“I guess I could double
His fat, salt and carb intake”,
Jan sulked to herself…
All of Tony’s loot
Wasn’t enough to keep Jan
From boning his son
— saulgoode42
One million dollars
Each time I let this fat ass
On top of me. Woo!
— The Dude
This is what happens
When one wants to be the next
Anna Nicole Smith
— Charles Nelson Douchely
Money can’t buy love
But it can make a fat guy
Rich in blowies, Sons.
— Pooch Spackle
The remembers the
First time he mounted her. Her
Mons Pubis was crushed.
— v
Hide the Viagra
She thinks as he palms her ass
Holding back vomit
— Doucheywallnuts
She bangs really hard
Trying to loosen the stints
Heart bypass gold mine
— Vin Douchal
Money can’t buy love
But it can buy a tank top
that hides man teats. Hint.
— Pooch Spackle
Ahab did it wrong:
Best way to catch great white whale –
Spear him with whorepoon.
— Sir Huddleston Fuddleston
800 Euros
Buys you a Moldovan girl
Keep passport in safe
— Ich verstehe sie ist heiß
'Bag / Nottabag: Ed "Too Tall" Bones
What say you? ‘Bag? ‘Notta? I’m probably going with notta. Ed “Too Tall” Bones seems like the best cooler to ever work at the Double Deuce.
Mmm… oh Kelly Back Arch. How your soft pillows arch with distening glew in the Vegas morn. I poke and prod each one with a willow branch to observe skin tautage, and then whimper in a laundry basket for Gozer the Destroyer’s fire and brimstone promises, before softly slipping into a REM sleep dream about butterfly fly swatter butt slapping the Patriots Cheerleading Team.
Grinny Vinnie Scores Sonya
The real question, of course, is what text did Background Jake just receive?
Smarmy Moe
Smarmy Moe: Challo! Do you like my Corsican accent? It is like the Dos Equis Man, no?
Kimberly: Who?
Smarmy Moe: You know, the Most Interesting Man in the World?
Kimberly: Who?
Smarmy Moe: Would you like to touch my peen later?
Kimberly: What?
Smarmy Moe: I’m referring to intercourse.
Kimberly: Inter-what?
Smarmy Moe: Nevermind. Another Cosmo?
Kimberly: (giggling) Sure!
And… scene.
Guppyhead Swims the English Chanelle
Way back in the halcyon days of HCwDB, we featured the Douchey Award winning The Blowfish. Tiny mouth. Creepy facial hair. Tasty hotts. Enormous douchefactor.
Here I decree the Guppyhead.
Count up the ‘bag factors: Creepy fishmouth. Faux. White sunglasses in shorts. ‘Roid addiction.
Then there’s English Chanelle. Curvy. Untatted. Slightly insecure about her looks. Maybe not A level hott, but more than making up for it by resisting the Guppy’s embrace. I’m going with it. She’s sorts of room service wrongness that’s oh so right. I slap a barnacle on a steamboat, and pinch a boobuous butt fondle in the snowflake sunshine of slappy slapp.
Esoteric Wednesday: Dancing Fish
Fish.
HCwDB of the Month: Orangudan and Vegas Kim
In the end, there’s no beating orange ‘roided tattpocalypse, whitehead, douche everything, idiocracy in presence of sexy Quartasian Vegas funbouncery.
The voters speak:
Magnum Douche P.I.: Orangudan if only for horrible tatts and the sheer size of his HGH enlarged cranium, but yet there is so much more. Vegas Kim does not appear to be fully bleethed, there is hope for her. If a couple more pictures of these two surface, I do believe they can compete for a 2012 Douchie.
I R A Darth Aggie: I scrolled down, but stopped at Orangudung. He is the clear loser. Vegas Kim is a clear hott. So are the other lovelies in this monthly, but the stench that is Orangudung is over powering.
Dude McCrudeshoes: Orangudan for teaching us that the trapezius bone is connected to the enlarged cranium bone. Remember, kids, keep your body orange and your scalp shiny white. If you don’t look like a creamsicle, you are doing it wrong.
CB Popped: Orangutan is making me want to rip my eyeballs out, and Vegas chick is a sleeper cutie. Orangutan, done.
troy tempest: Orangudan FTL. Eventually, the beer and burgers will get to him, and he’ll have to lay off the roids if he has any hope of keeping his undercarriage hung at a size greater than squirrel. When that happens, he’ll be in with the likes of Cro Bagnon (bless his retarded soul) and then he’ll get a desk job and turn to flab. Oozing into his seersucker suit, a thought will float to the top of the vomit tank that he calls his brain, and it will be “GROOOOO”.
ehcuodouche: Didn’t we learn anything from Barry Bonds?
Hermit: His oily skin exudes a constant trickle of horse steroids, insecurity and Bud Lite Lime, staining his nylon shorts and coagulating between his wrist and watchband. He will fight a lifetime losing battle with STD’s and sagging breasts.
Charles Douchewin: The Orangudan has distorted reality, (and Kim) around himself – much like space-time – to become tough to look at, and even tougher to comprehend. Does that tattoo say compost?
It was an orangeslide, but The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah did get some support:
Et tu, Douche?: he Bishop and Homegrown Hannah’s B( . )( . )B’s FTW. And by for the win I mean those jugs have fun written all over them preferably with my man spackle.
Douche Springsteen: I’m a big fan of the Girl Next Door With Huge Cans thing.
John Largeman’s Cheeseburger: I just noticed in the The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah pic that the sign in the background says Pearl. I bet those glorious TaTas would look good with a long dangling Pearl Necklace.
The mockworthy Aqua Vulva and A+ level hott British Sexy Sophia didn’t get too many votes, nor did The Voguegina and Furry Amanda. Both are toxic HCwDB, but when competing with funbags or Orangeturd, it t’was no compete a’tall. I’m talking British. I don’t know why. Lets let Capt. James T. Douche take us home:
my vote goes to the Orangudan and Vegas Kim, they give you the most douche for your buck. Radioactive/liver failure orange skin, dalmation tattoos, a fuggin’ pterodactyl holding a shield, phrase tat on the gut, semi-roided up frame, aggressive posturing, a wrist watch the size of the clock from Back to The Future, Vegas pool party, refillable cup with watered down overpriced drinks, artificially inflated cans, lower lip skid mark, the list goes on like the digits of Pi.
