Friday Haiku
Kate and Jon were pleased;
The Constipati-Push diet!
Their abs? Bowel-Ripped!
Jon’s goal was simple:
Find a girl who has the guts
To tolerate him
– saulgoode42
On a winter’s morn
They embrace the cold and write
their names in the snow
– Charles Nelson Douchely
Kate and Jon are shocked
To learn their bad case of crabs
Has gone systemic
– Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
She grates cheese on abs
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
This pic explains the
world’s Velveeta cheese shortage:
these two practicing.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
position, these two sound like
a steam train braking.
– Douche Wayne
They mate like crickets.
Abs rub occasionally
Start forest fires.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
In missionary
position, their sex smells like
driving with e-brake.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
Position they look like
A fiddler crab.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
In missionary,
they generate power to
run a Chevy Volt.
– Douche Wayne
In missionary
Positiion they fuse with
UV machine.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Later that day Kate
delivered her baby, shot
about thirty feet
– Dickie Fingers
When she bends over
she makes same snapping sound as
lighting up glowstick.
– Douche Wayne
Kate and Jon prove that
navel gazing gets results!
Let’s check abs again!
– Charles Douchewin
It must eat grain. It
Must eat grain. It must eat grain.
It must eat grain. Sons.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Mr. Ferret Poop
Turns out Kimberly is majoring in animal scatology.
Or perhaps this kind of Scatology.
Either way, Mr. Ferret Poop, or F-Po to his friends, suggests a diet rich in fiber, nuts and grains.
Pearpocalypse Now… (Minimally NSFW)
No ifs, ands, or… oh nevermind.
Your Thursday Douchey Malaysian Opera Attendees
You don’t get this over at TMZ.
Headband Joey and Innocent Irene Spend a Quiet Evening in Vegas
In an unrelated story, I am out of HoHos. Like zero. In the house.
I have baby formula. But no HoHos.
This is an unacceptable development.
It’s worse than the if the Polar Vortex brought an army of twerking zombie Nazis holding 80s boomboxes over their heads playing the latest Robin Thicke.
Yeah I used that link before as a joke. And I’ll use it again.
HoHos I says.
Bring them to me.
Brothabag Phill Lives the (Artificially Enhanced) Dream
As Freud taught us, no (artificially enhanced) dream is complete without phallic lighthouse in the background.
Mr. Pigeon Poop
This man is pigeon poop.
I have no analogies, similes, metaphors, or euphemisms to describe Suburban Tatt Seth Myers other than pigeon poop.
Kimberly deserves to not date pigeon poop.
I’m not sure how I know this. I don’t know Kimberly. But within the parameters of base assumptions, I’m going to presume she deserves better than Mr. Pigeon Poop simply due to the merits of her relatively Bleeth-free signifiers, shoulder tatt or not .
In a related story, while researching this post, I discovered that feral pigeons eat meat.
Watch out, Nice Malaysian Boychild!
Hitchcock.
Coffee.
Joey Uvula Shows Ashley His BlingTatt
When bling + tatt becomes blingtatt, then and only then, The Golem will rise.
And by Golem, I mean Joey Uvula’s happy pants.
And by rise, I mean shift disquietly in his gym shorts from left to right.
Captain Rehab Says, "It's Cold Out Where You Are, But Not in Vegas!"
For those of you suffering in ridic cold today, let it bring you solace to know that Captain Rehab is scoring at 60% among the greater Las Vegas skankhott population.
Yeah, I guess that didn’t really bring you any solace.
Okay, how about some StreetPear?
See now? It’s not so bad.
Mack the Nozzle Refuses to Accept it's 2014
Somewhere in this hottie/douchey/tranny car crash of Paulwalkerian proportions (too soon?), HCwDB (non)legend Mack the Nozzle refuses to let go of 2008.
Refuses, he tells ya.
Eye tatts and stupidface will not go gently into that good after party.
