HCwDB of the Week: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie
Beating out the hottness of Tiny Dancer Maria was no easy task, but Fratpud Juan just wasn’t douchey enough.
Band Promoter Petey, on the other hand, is a cavalanche (cavalcade + avalanche) of douchuous signifiers and toxic mockworthines.
And let’s not forget to give Barely Legal Bonnie her due.
She is melting cotton candy summer popsicle on a penguin slap hott.
Last week had Mike and Mandy from high school, Marty Trainwreck (with heinous tattoo chin fung innovation) and the tasty Persian Giggle Kelly with Zebra Tony.
That’s a lotta doucheballs.
And lets not forget the site’s new mascot: Douchepug.
But the decision’s been made by my drunk ass as we prepare for the last Monthly before the 2011 Douchies kick off.
And this be #3 of #4.
Now… microwavable oatmeal.
Techno Viking is Still Out There
Still protecting the honor of women.
Still receiving bottles of water that are held upside down.
The Judges Get Ready for the 2011 Douchie Awards
The following regs will be handing out awards at our all-star gala 2011 Douchie Awards ceremony, beginning December 5th:
Douchiest Douche-Face — Douchey Wallnuts
Most Annoying Rockerbag — CB Popped
Comment of the Year — Wheezer
Quartasians and Trannys — Douchble Helix
Douchiest Hand Gesture — tall guy
The John Largeman — Et Tu Douche?
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian In Drag — Wedgie
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy — Medusa Oblongata
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth — Jacques Doucheteau
The Douchebaguette — Mr. Scrotato Head
Most Euro Eurobags — Reverend Chad Kroeger
Smells Like Poo — Creature
‘Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year — Vin Douchal
Most Annoying ‘Bagling — Nancy Dreusche
The Ricky — Mr. White
Hottest Librarian Hott — The Dude
Greatest Crisis of Modernity — Hermit
Douchiest ‘Athlete’ — Bob McAdouche
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott — Douche Equis
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection — DarkSock
Most Expensive First Date Hott — Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
The Yellowtail (Oldbag) — Mandouchian Candidate
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend — Mr. Scrotato Head
Greasiest Grease Stain — MusicFanatic
Douchiest Hair — dbBen
Douchiest Facial Fung — Douche Springsteen
Be sure to email me your winner(loser), as well as 3-4 runners up, along with your 2-3 paragraph writeup by DEcember 1st, so your lazy-ass narrator can put it all togethers.
Lets do this thing.
Friday Thoughts and Links
There is much about vaginal peace signs by Boris Russinsky hitting on Russian Poverty Model Hott that rankles the heart of a poet.
I’m not that poet. His name is Tim. He lives down the street and smells like patchouli and rice cakes.
I have little to offer in the ways of wisdom on this Friday in Los Angeles, other than the advice of the great Olympian Carl Lewis:
“I like hurdles.”
Here’s your links
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Why am I talking to you? You’re not a man, you’re a cat! Go back to your feline world!”
Yoga for Bros? “Broga?” In my hometown of Boston? For shame, Beantown. For shame.
Turkish Hottness. Like strong coffee and emancipated Islam.
What movie am I most excited to see this Holiday Season? Sandsharks. “Because your party isn’t on the sand. It’s on ice.” (no idea what that means)
Somewhere in Raveland America,… the kids aren’t all right.
Mila Kunis’s Semitic Russian hottness proves the folly of the nativist reactionary anti-Trotsky pogroms of the early 20th Century.
Can boobs ever be too large? Uhm… okay, yes.
But you are not here for grotesque mammaries. You are here for Pear:
Because coy pouting is also a form of pre-coitus.
And on that lameass pun, I crack a bottle of Mad Dog and scratch myself obliquely.
Where’s Waldouche?: Boobs Edition
Somewher in this pic of a perfectly taut body hottness of perhaps questionable Jerzeyface, I’ve carefully hidden bro-time.
Look closely.
Can you find them saying “Brah!” and bitching about Mark Sanchez?
Friday Haiku
Kate fights the Power;
But Bruce and Jeff just want to
Occupy Ball-Meat.
Spelling “blood” with hands
Is from Compton, Sir Lilly-White
Not Danville, you douche
— saulgoode42
Nancy Dreuche poses
With brothers Emo and
Emo. Uterus sags.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Tommy pays the price
For fingering the goth skank.
Yeast infected hands.
— hermit
Twi-tards get in line
early for latest Twilight
trash. All on Team Douche.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
You have Beiber hair,
and flash gang signs, but the
A/V club is lame
— Ferris
Nepos nepos nep
Nepos nepos nepos *nep*
Nepos nepos nep
— Nancy Dreuche
We’re misunderstood!
‘Cuz we’re deep, and dark, and hurt
Black is the new blah.
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Pixies cover band.
Backstage yields sanctuary.
Thrown beer bottles hurt.
— Baron Von Goolo
“Dad! Christmas portraits
are cheesy!”, whines the spawn of
Baron Von Goolo
“Candy Stripe Nurses at Douche Beach”
In a just and virtuous world, the title of this post would actually be a real movie, produced by Roger Corman and directed by Ron Howard, from 1977.
Alas, I’ll have to satisfy my desire with the trailer for Eat My Dust.
Sweet Buffet o’ Mine
Because “Appetite for Destruction” was too obvious.
Silk Yankee Caps Are Not A Sign of Class
Perhaps we’ve become desensitized to just how odious D.J. iPod culture has ravaged our civilization like rampaging crypto-gay gladiator movies released on 11/11/11.
D.J. Assmunch wastes his salad years chasing ephemera under the rubric of accomplishment. Loud lights and noises as a substitute for thought.
Amanda pumps up and tones out, but rock solid abs eventually fade. What’s left?
Time, like the honey badger, don’t give a shit.
I’mma get a coffee.
Band Promoter Douchebag Petey Is Not Really With The Band
Unfortunately for Barely Legal Bonnie, that epiphany will come tomorrow morning, when Petey’s necklace turns back into a cow’s ear.
Yikes. Count up DBP’s adouchrements and give credit for sheer variety of choadosity. Like the double ring on the third and fourth fingers. A massive real world ‘bag tag here.
And for the ladies to note, let Barely Legal Bonnie prove that size of mamm has no bearing on hottness of suckle thigh. She is KFC leg chomp butter biscuit gnaw.
