Your Monday Morning Moobs n' Boobs
It’s like staring into a ruined Las Vegas credit rating as it happens.
Always bet on pear.
Bobby Bottleservice
Nick Kroll, longtime HCwDB reader, brings the club mock to Comedy Central with quality A game. If you haven’t already, check out The Kroll Show. For it is hilarious stuff.
Wallnuts After Dark – Somebody Needs to Whack That Dick Vitali Character
Somebody needs to whack that Dick Vitali jabrone.
So I was watching the Duke/UNC college hoops game on The ESPN the other night and I had to turn the sound down because that Mama Luke was screamin’ his tits off like he’d just blown a c-note at the track!
That manudnick was screamin’ all a the time and says the same friggin’ thing over and over. “Take a T.O. Roy! Take a T.O. Take a T.O. Oh, baby! Oh baby!” I found myself yellin’ at the damn T.V., “Shut the f@#k up you bald, one-eyed hump.” Mrs. Wallnuts came in and tole me to cheese it on account a my high blood pressure and lumbago, which always acts up when I get sore at somethin’ or have a beef wit someone.
Lumbago, I says.
I tells ya, back in the old neighborhood anytime there was a big mouth always yackety yakkin’ about somethin’ or some such, one a the guys would a hit him with a sockful a stale gnocchi right across the back a his noggin’ and rolled him for good measure.
Stale gnocchi, I says.
One time there was this neighborhood babbo named Jimmy “Lobes” – he had earlobes that looked like balls a pizza dough – who was goin’ on and on about winning a Trifecta at Belmont Park to the point that this local mook Tommy “Elbows” – he never trew punches wit his fist, but trew elbows – cracked Lobes so hard that all a his fillings fell out a his head right there on the sidewalk on Grand Avenue in front of the Conca D’oro Social Club. Madon!
This Vitali Momo is way worse than any a these neighborhood Sfachims I used ta know. He never shuts up and he gave me so much agita that I had to take a physic and put some Jimmy Roselli on my 8-track player to calm my nerves. That Roselli really does the trick. He had a voice like a friggin’ angel and so I was able to relax thanks to him singin’ “Mala Femmina,” enjoyed that great game. I was rootin’ for Duke, but UNC covered and I had the under too, so all in all it was a good night.
Friday Thoughts and Links
And then this happened.
So your humble narrator is currently obsessed with Denali Mint Moose Tracks. Perhaps the finest ice-cream flavor in the history of your momma. It’s like licking nirvana.
Do not judge until you have imbibed.
Partaked.
Partooken?
Who the hell knows.
That shizz is genius.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB xBox Game of the Infinte Fondle Crotch: Bring it. Bring it now.
Remember “Color Me Badd” from one-hit-wonderdom in 1991? They’re baaaaaackkkkkkkk. And they want to sex you up.
Another piece of the DB1’s childhood dies.
Photographer’s girlfriend leads him around the world (with Global Pear bonus!)
FloridaMan on Twitter. Florida, like Texas, is a state of pure asswipe.
Swedish girls hit a nightclub. Hilarity ensues.
But you are not here for drunk Swedish girls. Wait, you’re not? Then get da hells outta here. There’s nothing more in life.
Okay, maybe Pear.
here’s ya go:
Uhm, Dude, the preferred nomenclature is Native American Pear. Thank you.
Friday Haiku
Look at that scary
Unnatural plastic doll.
A Chucky doll, too!
It puts the doll in
The basket or it gets the
Hose. The wooden hose.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Plastic harvested
From Bleeth gives life to Chucky
She’ll spawn many more
— DoucheyWallnuts
Meatheads with Boats Score the Hott Momms
Douchetatts and Undies Poke are still scrotey, boat or no boat.
Daughter Jenny should not be included in your fantasmagorium of this scene, ya sick bastid.
Chester Roderick Offers the Mayan Eye of Asswipus Trustfundus
Debutante Kelly is over the whole sorority thing. Daddy will care if she wrecks her credit rating.
When Hot Chicks Become Groupies for Going-Nowhere Bar Bands Named "Crack Attack"…
Necktatts grow like chin fung.
And the Baby Jebus cries for boobies beyond suckle hope in the realm of the Bleeth.
Cirque Du Soleil Moon Frye
For you kids too young to remember, Soleil Moon Frye was one of the original porn stars on Saturday Night Live. From there, she had guests spots on Bosom Bodies, Fantasy Love Boat, The B Team, and Behind the True Hollywood Story.
Then, in the 90s, she toured for awhile as the roadie for Citizen Dick.
Yup.
Got nuthin’.
Where’s my Cheerios.
Twinkies Lives!!!
Call of the DB1’s suicide watch!! The greatest fuel to ever fuel self-hatred, rug sitting, and navel gazing, will continue to be artificially sweetened and processed.
Life is good.
Twinkies lives, kids. Twinkies lives.
Although I’m not sure what to make of the fact that PBR is one of the owners. This cannot be good. Twinkies will never be herpster!! I will fight this possibility to the death!!
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Hostess Sells Twinkies Brand to Investment Firms
BY MICHAEL J. DE LA MERCED AND PETER LATTMAN
Twinkies and Ding Dongs are back from the dead.
Hostess Brands, the now bankrupt owner of the cream-filled confections, agreed on Tuesday to sell the snacks — along with Ho Hos, Sno Balls and Dolly Madison Zingers — to two investment firms with a shared history of corporate turnarounds.
The deal, worth $410 million, was struck nearly four months after the last Twinkie rolled off the baking lines.
When Hostess, unable to reach a deal with its bakers’ union, announced in November that it would wind down operations, it set off waves of nostalgia for a symbol of American junk food. As recently as Tuesday, sellers on eBay were seeking to fetch as much as $250,000 for two boxes of Twinkies.
The sale will mean that Twinkies, born more than 83 years ago in an Illinois industrial kitchen, will live on, having survived wars, recessions and the South Beach and Dukan diets.
The new owners will be Apollo Global Management and Metropoulos & Company, which owns Pabst Blue Ribbon and Vlasic pickles. C. Dean Metropoulos, the food industry veteran who leads the firm that bears his name, is expected to become the chief executive of the snack business.
The deal includes five Hostess factories, which the buyers hope to restart so to begin restocking shore shelves by the summer. And the new company will almost certainly feature the Hostess name.
“There’s a great consumer fan base that hasn’t declined,” Daren Metropoulos, one of Mr. Metropoulos’ sons and an executive at the family firm, said in an interview. “We saw a real opportunity to revitalize these brands, just with some T.L.C.”
That may come in the form of what the younger Mr. Metropoulos deemed “guerrilla marketing,” much as his firm has done with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Social media like Twitter are expected to play a big role going forward, he said, and comedian friends like Zach Galifianakis may be drafted as spokesmen. (Will Ferrell, for instance, has starred in commercials for Old Milwaukee beer, part of the Pabst family.)
The business’ new owners also hinted that Twinkies might find a home in a broader array of stores, including discount retailers like Dollar General. Healthier options, like 100-calorie snack packs, are also expected to make an appearance.
Yet the buyers are unlikely to rely as heavily on a unionized work force as the old Hostess did.
“We look forward to discussing opportunities for our members with new ownership, and add value to the revival of these products,” David Durkee, the president of the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union, said in a statement.
Apollo and Metropoulos emerged from what at one point seemed like a crowded field of bankruptcy bidders for the brands. At one point, more than 100 parties had expressed interest in Twinkies, a group that included international food giants and private equity firms.
But by 5 p.m. Monday, the deadline for bids, the only qualified offer came from Apollo and Metropoulos. Advisers to Hostess canceled an auction scheduled for Wednesday morning and declared the two the winner.
“It’s not that we lacked interest,” Gregory F. Rayburn, the Hostess chief executive, said in an interview. “Other bidders felt that they could not top the price.”
The new owners bring significant food industry expertise to the deal.
C. Dean Metropoulos has worked side-by-side with private equity firms on his deals in the past. He oversaw several food transactions for the Dallas private equity firm Hicks Muse Tate & Furst, including International Home Foods, the parent of Bumble Bee Tuna and Chef Boyardee.
Mr. Metropoulos, who has a net worth of $1.2 billion, according to Forbes magazine, made a splash in 2010, when he acquired Pabst Blue Ribbon for $250 million. Pabst — known as P.B.R. among the beer-drinking crowd — has experienced a renaissance in recent years. Mr. Metropoulous’s sons, Evan and Daren, work alongside their father at the firm, based in Greenwich, Conn.
Still, reviving Twinkies and Ring Dings could be their highest profile turnaround.
As for Apollo, the private equity firm has deep experience with food-related investments, having previously owned stakes in the grocery-store chains Ralphs and Dominick’s.
Apollo currently holds a controlling stake in Sprouts, a large natural food store chain in the Western United States that, presumably, will not be selling Twinkies and Ding Dongs.
The sale is not done yet. It requires the approval of the federal bankruptcy judge overseeing Hostess’ Chapter 11 case. A hearing has been tentatively scheduled for March 19.
Hostess is still selling its other remaining brands, including Drake’s snack cakes. Those auctions are expected to conclude by early next month.
Mr. Rayburn said that at some point, Hostess executives will celebrate by popping open a bottle of Champagne.
For his part, Daren Metropoulos said that he and his family would sample some new batches of Hostess product — “and probably crack open a cold P.B.R.”
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