Douchiest Ruiner of Sapphic Love: Guy Who Ruins Pics of Hot Chicks Making Out Guy
From October.
This guy had to win an award for something other than Best Oyster Gobbler at the 2009 Provincetown CLam Bake. And yes. That is a euphemism. For something ambiguous.
HCwDB of the Year
This one’s for the whole enchilada.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
As I wrote last time, the dead eyes of a douche-shark and the tatts of an anal wart were too much to overcome.
And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”
Barely besting the roidal rage of Orangudan and sexy slutty cocktailing Vegas Kim, with the Groverpocalypse also finding the support, The Jerksenstein/Cindy combo was both doucheface and artistic craptastery.
As Charles Nelson Doucheley put it: Sleepy Jerkenstein is easily the wrongest of the lot. The other two don’t create any rage. A tatted up Vegas bleeth deserves some roidhead who can only speak in grunts. Sarah deserves to spend time at Grover’s commune (actually, a bachelor apartment in Omaha) until Daddy finds out and cuts off her trust fund.
Or maybe retard said it best: Never before have I been so thoroughly disgusted by the difference between girl-next-door-cute Cindy and choadwank Sleepy. The thought of him pawing on Cindy’s funbags is downright repulsive. Fear God as the cheektats suggest? Nah. I might openly question why he allows bottom feeders like Sleepy into our world.
A solid first entrant in the wrongness between douche awfulness and sexy hottness, and well deserving of the finals.
But look who just entered the arena!…
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle
While Larissa may be headed to the Hall of Hott, And Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela came close to the upset, Benzino and Pear take the cake.
The Benzbag’s run was epic douchery. It began in March and picked up speed when Benzino mugged Soho Sophia in November.
From there:
Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts
And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.
And of course, for full douche pedigree:
Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head and Benzino with The King.
Wowza.
That’s a lotta Vegas choadwank.
As Guid is Good put it so eloquently during the vote:
Benzino has had the Yearly in the ‘Bag since birth. It’s like when Tiger Woods was banging a dozen cocktail waitresses at a time, everyone else is just playa’ing for second.
Benizno is purity of douchenozzle like rare this site hath seen. But is Benzino too “Paid to Douche” to win the Yearly? One more major entrant, and the voting shall begin:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
From July, Kisseus had his epic run of grandious putridosity.
Witness the taint one more time: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.
Yeeeeeechhhhhh.
THEONETRUEDOUCHE explains his vote in the thread:
Every year I hate that I must vote in this contest-The contest shows that Douchebagery continues and we have yet to eradicate this plague from the earth. Each year we must resolve to continue that which DB1 began and to wipe from the planet this virus that eats at our soul. We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world. Let every douchebag know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. This much we pledge—and more. Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret.
Let this be our rallying cry for the 2012 Douchie Awards. For the finals are here.
Jacques Doucheteau agrees:
All the other contenders are amateur douchebags, douching it up like animals on the weekend only to return to a dulldrum life of hawking iPhone covers at the Sprint kiosk in the mall. Kisseus Vomitorious is a fuccen pro. He breathes, eats, and lives douche like Axe is oxygen and Blue Label Vodka is fuccen ass puss. Because he subsists on ass puss. Fucc dat guy.
And, as eagle-eyed long time ‘bag hunter Wheezer observes, K.V. also won a 2011 HCwDB of the Week as Tommy Pak.
But is K.V. just another Vegas ass choad? Well, yes. And that certainly doesn’t preclude his douchetidue with that level of hott counterbalance from winning the Yearly.
Now I turn it over to you.
The horrors of Sleepy Jerkenstein and Hottie Cindy? The tatted up greasism of Benzino and Pear/Soho Sophia? Or is it K.V.’s idiotic douche-abs and sexy Margaret?
This is it.
Vote, as always, in the comments threads.
Best Golden Globes: Sheertina
Yet another 2012 Douchie Award for Best Golden Globes must go to joyous party purity suckle boobie hottness, Sheertina.
For she is the perfection that smells like pinecones and innocence.
And she is award winning:
Greatest Hottie Development: The Side-Boob Cleavite Reveal Dress
From Marty McFluffer’s Boob to the Future journey to the uberhottness of Sheertina and yet more uberhott Sheertina, perhaps no hottie development was greater than whomever the hell invented this dress.
Here’s to you Side-Boob Cleavite Reveal Dress Maker.
For you are a scholar and an erudite fellow of greatness and proper salute.
Douchiest 'Bag Innovation: Place to Store Your Cigarettes #42
Like the Groin Shave Reveal and Ink Dicky before it, from April, and it wasn’t even close.
Maybe it wasn’t a trend this year. But this impetuous groinality shall not stand.
A well deserved 2012 Douchie Award for Cig-Crotch, and may ball cancer ensue.
Peariest Pear of 2012: Spinderella Pear
DarkSock here, delivering succulent pear. It’s what I do.
While I may be going a little off the reservation here, because Spinderella Pear technically never appeared on the front page, but rather as a link in the comments threads by Senior Pear Hound Vin Douchal, I don’t care. Because I want to marry this woman’s butt. When Pears look like this they should be laser-measured, like custom truck floor mats, and discussed by learned panels on public access television channels, and bronzed and put in parks for children to frolic under. The White House must acknowledge any petitions presented with more than 25,000 valid signatures.
We can make my dream happen. In my lifetime.
In the event Spinderella is unable to meet her doodies as winner, I’ve designated as Bunner-Up Ms. Betty Buddocks seen being tainted by Benzino in March’s Unholy Pear Fondle:
Bun.
Most Impending Sign of Nuclear Scrotocalypse: Cartoon America
From late July.
‘Nuff smelled.
HCwDB Smells Like Poo – 2012 ButtNugget o' the Year
DarkSock here, sniffing the Poo for You. So you don’t have to.
I’m offering up the cascading cornapoopia dribbling down the hirsute cursed legs of the foul beast we shall relegate to the anals of history as Twenty-Aught-Twelve. We wander zombie-like in this Land of the Lost, and these Sleeze-Stacks are the ones who made the loudest “sputta-chutt-chutt” machine-gun staccato whilst escaping the event horizon of the brown-eyed swirl of the societal balloon knot we call DoucheLand:
Runny-Up # 3 – The Squirrel and the Vomit
Ab Reveals? More like Crab Reveals. 10 points to House of Slytherin for Xena of the SkullCrusher Thighs on the left there. *I’d like my c*ckk ring back, dear. It’s not meant to be an earring.*
Runny-Up #2 – The BandHoles:
More like Band On The Runs. Ugh. Taking the term “Shitty Cover Band” far too literally. Next…
Runny-Up #1 – Captain and The Tetanus:
While we are compelled to gawk at the spectacle that is Captain Chesty McRibMeat and daydream about sailing ’round her Golden Globes (to quote Jacques Douchetou, “Those cans are so round she lactates marbles”), alas this runny-up goes to The Tetanus. Because he puts the “ANUS” it “Tetanus”.
Smells like Poo 2012 – Crotchos
Yeah. That’s what I thought. You’d forgotten about this skid-mark on the porcelain bowl of our collective consciousness, didn’t you? Lest there be any doubt or debate…look at this. LOOK AT IT:
The world ends not with a bang…but with a *poot*.
Fart,
D.S.
'Bag Most Likely to be a Lesbian in Drag: Bernie
Last year it was Troll Dog. Two years ago, Four Prong.
This year, the Douchie Award goes to Bernie. Who is in way over his/her pay grade far more than gender-bending norms might suggest.
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 3
Bracket #3. You know what to do.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket 3): Trent Assholio and Luscious Larissa
Early August’s Monthly winner/loser is all that is crotch-itchy about everything.
Lucious Larissa is one of the hottest hotts competing in the Yearly, and Trent Assholio is every dick you went to high school with Brundleflied into a single mutant lipherpity.
Together, they make poo.
This really is underrated HCwDB.
It’s not that outrageous paid-to-douche asshattery we’re used to.
This is real “lock up your daughter from the semi-normal looking dude who bullshits you into thinking he’s a good guy but is really all about the Mack” puckosity.
As such, it is a worthy entrant in the Yearly.
But enough to make the finals?
Ruh roh. Look who’s up next…
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket 3): Benzino and The Unholy Pear Fondle
What more can be said about the atrocious blight known as Benzino?
This asstastic mug first showed up fondling Pear back in March in The Unholy Pear Fondle. However we did not realize the full extent of this douchenozzle until we identified him as Benzino mugging Soho Sophia in November.
From there, the run was as toxic as douchebaggery gets. There was:
Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts
And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.
Mmmm… Rachel Hott’s Rachels.
And of course, for full douche pedigree:
Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head
and
All the true uberdouches know each other.
Yowza. Gotta make Benzino and Pear the odds-on favorite in the semis.
But one more to go:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket 3): Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela
Our best entrant in the Semis for the Herpster vote, Jack the Lipper is all that is shite-wipe about Silverlake.
And lets not forget Jack, Michaela, and Tom Petty Hott , and Michaela in a bikini gettingmacked by rich-kid Bennington students at a douchey music festival.
That’s a pretty good run of hott/choad.
Disqualified from the Yearly because I can’t figure out how to do three brackets with 10 monthly winners was Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
