Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Crotchos Is Turning

Taken on a tourist trip to Mykonos, Greece, Reader Dan submits proof positive of why Greece is facing hard economic times.

And by hard economic times, I do not mean crotch-peen.

No!!… Wait… Crotchos is turning…

No please!!… no more turn!!… (although I see you blonde poocher dancer)… I beg of thee!!… no more turn…

Crapos.

This performative Greek Tragedy calls for a Champagne Katie chaser.

Esoteric Wednesday

Because sometimes you say plate, and sometimes you say shrimp, and sometimes you say plate of shrimp.

Reader Mail: Backwards Baseball Cap Toolscrape

PIC DELETED

Kim snaps and sends in the following :

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not the clearist picture, saw these two at a DC bar. I’m pretty sure she is a gogo dancer and was smoking hot but this dude was a tool. He would give the rock n roll horns in every picture, steal other peoples drinks and make sure he was in ever picture with every girl. I can’t decide if the skinny jeans and backwards cap or pointing finger make him a bigger douche in the picture.

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On an unrelated note, “Real world bar haunting rock n roll horns giving asswipes with gogo dancers” was actually a sentence that appeared in an early draft of Henry George’s 1879 economic analysis, “Progress and Poverty.”

Bathrooms. Cell Phones. A Rhesus Monkey Flings Poo.

Boston University’s sophomore year keggers always end with Mindy in the bathroom with Brad, a bottle of hair gel, and a package of ass wipes on the floor.

And by ass wipes on the floor, I mean Brad.

And 2011’s Greatest Crisis of Modernity continues to haunt our society with steaming rhesus monkey poo fling.

Mitch Would Like You to Check Out His Demo, Yo

But not right now.

Mitch be throwin’ major game at his sister Tonya’s sorority bestie exchange student from Morocco, Pilar.

Pilar had never seen neck tatts back in Rabat. She finds them giggly and exciting. Like a Conquistador discovering Mayan gold upon shipreck in the southern moors, she chooses the wrong path, and the Gods do not approve.

One Word Tuesday

Brow.

Tony the Curdle

As in sour milk curdle.

As in old ladies who wear a girdle.

As in not a tortoise, but a turtle. A turtle with crotch rash and a trust fund.

I have no idea why I’m rhyming this morning. I blame the hurdle of trying to name the hottie pitctured here. I was going to go with “fertile myrtle” but lets just call her Adriana. Butt Pooch Adriana.

For hers are the external kernels of…well, boobies.

Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat is having none of it.

Mexico Hates This Guy

In Tijuana, they have a local expression for this guy.

“Douchebag.”

Paid-to-Pose Hannah, she of potential Semitic Librarian Woo Hott status, hopes to someday be a cosmonaut and work in a beauty parlor.

Lets Do This Thing

Gearin’ up to fire up the Mock in the New Year, your humble narrator is stubbly, scratchy, and well post-imbibed from a night of half-awake revelry, cheesecake and Johnny Walker Black.

But our work is not done.

For there are Fratbros shouting “Bro!” in presence of Woo Hott Suckle Thigh.

And the intertextual mock must continue.

And Kimberly on Deck 3 likes to play shuffleboard with a large vibrating egg and black soap.

But first, a HoHo.

HCwDB of the Week: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia

Giving out the first HCwDB of the Week of the New Year means I get to go back and dig through all those hottie/douchey blights that appeared before the Douchie Awards began.

Which is both enlightening and horrifying.

Looking back, I’d definitely consider this rank coupling, showing perfect ass pear and coquettish giggle bobble in presence of odious armtatt and doucheface the most heinous hott/douche travesty of the bunch.

First appearing in late November as “Bring Me the Butt of Freida Garcia,” the Peckinpah allusion alone brings quality reference to the table.

However, there was much competition, as a number of great submits came in before the Douchie Awards began. And by great, I mean soul crushing. Consider Fisthole. Or better yet, don’t. Or last week’s assholic party boat wankshed, Mr. Boatbagus. Or classic Vegas schrud, Wez Retires to Boca. Or the eliminated on account of potential gaybaggery, Lando Tanktoppian. Even Stoagy McBain and Ed Sucky deserve additional mock.

But these is the worst/best. And so we find our first selection of 2012, and first entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month.