Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

A Pile of Herpster Sludge

Three middle fingers,

And a hot chick in a forest fire.

Wee Willy Crimson

Wee Will Crimson and Tanna Karina approve of the HCwDB of the Week.

They also approve of radiation.

HCwDB of the Week: Mickey the Polyp and Savannah

With a two week backlog of doucheritis to chew through like a masticating arthritic cow cudding a salt lick, it wasn’t an easy task to pick a winning (losing) couple.

But pick, I did, with pickled picklings.

Wait, that sounded vaguely inappropriate.

We saw Rusty Trombones and all sorts of crap, Oldbag Harold and Herspter LaVar.

But none were more spleen plexing and perplexingly spleeny than Mickey the Polyp and Savannah.

Chalk ’em for the next monthly.

And your grizzled narrator for oatmeal with raisins.

Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros

For your Sunday bemusement.

EDIT: On an unrelated note, Slate wonders when “douchebag” became a popular insult again, fails to mention HCwDB. Slate therefore earns an honorary Douchebag of the Month for total and complete ‘bag hunting ignorance.

HCwDB of the Month: The Uberbros and Pear Alice

Your humble and busy narrator finally has a moment to tally up the HCwDB of the Month voting. And a close vote it t’was.

After a spirited debate, and be spirited I mean hair product, The Uberbros and Pear Alice barely managed to topple the broborgian Brobot and Curvy Kelly to take the prize and win (lose).

Lets hear from a few voters:

Doucheywallnuts: The Uberbros FTW (Loss!). They are disturbing in a new and unique way, which is tough to do in this day and age. The collection of hair products on the counter and the bleeth’s ass is just icing on the cake.

Jeet Kune Douche: Uberbros and Alice – WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Alice has Teh Silky Smoove Vanilla Flavored Whipped Cream Pear Of Legend. I ABASE MYSELF TO YOU, ALICE. And the Uberbros………. need to be dipped in a vat of honey and tied down over a Fire Ant mound.

Dixierecht: Hard to believe Uberbros go out in public without getting their asses kicked for being so douchey.

Sergeant Poop: Uberbros, because, well, do I even need an explanation?

Nancy Dreuche: my vote goes to the Uberbros for the lack of teamwork and trust displayed in their pic. That shot could have been easily captured with one camera and then forwarded to the other bro allowing said bro to have the use of two functioning hands. In turn he probably would have used that freedom to apply more hair gel instead of grabbing the hott by her hample haunches and giving it to her canine style, but alas that is the way of the modern douche. All style and no sexstance.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: The Uberbros and Pear Alice FTW! Why? There’s quality AND quantity here. We have two, count ‘em TWO douches that are equally vomitrotious in their own right next to what appears to be some sort of angel mistakenly placed between them. Now, I used to work in a grocery store many moons ago and I knows what a fine, ripe pear looks like and what we have here is sure as hell one. They, on the other hand, were what I scraped off the meat room floor every night after the butcher had been dancing in entrails and blood all day. Dichotomy they name is The Uberbros and Pear Alice.

Coming in third was The Scrufwad and Jenny Milkshake, and fourth, but with support, Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott. But for sheer hairassity and buttcurvery, it was an HCwDB douchepocalypse

Lets let Medusa Oblongata take us home

Uberbors. Because I want to uberpunch them in their ubertaints and then dive face-first into her uberass.

There it is. And your humble narrator for home cooked HoHo.

Friday Thoughts and Links

After Vinnie and his ladies finished dining on crabs, it was time to kick back with a hearty Iced-Tea.

Either that or a urine specimen.

Lots of time in Miami to spend money.

Lots of time.

Too much time.

Time to think about where they went wrong in life.

Misspent youth. Failed dreams. Arteries no longer functioning.

Party!

Here’s your links:

The great suspense writer and long-time HCwDB ‘bag hunter, Harlan Coben, is out with a new book, our HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: Stay Close (Check out pages 13-15 for a tribute to ‘bag hunter terminology)

80s arcade nerds are all growds up.

What the DB1 wants for Hannukah this year.

Rob Gronkowski. Brobaggery? Perhaps. But this is genius, and earns full Athlete Leniency Exemption: Gronk for Madden 2013!

If Hostess Cupcakes ever goes out of business, there may be a solution. Remember kids, it’s not junk food if you bake it at home.

I’m not usually swayed by celebrity endorsements, but if there’s one person who could get me to buy a chocolate bar, it’s Dali.

Sometimes I really miss living in New York.

Happy Spring Break! Las Vegas discovers a new way to cash in..

And while we’re at at, places to avoid: America’s Top Ten Trashiest Spring Break Destinations.

They said he could be anything. So he became a cloud.

But you are not here for douchecloud. You are here for Pear:

Pole Vault Pear

The Olympics will be here before we know it.

Sneery McGee Is the Root of All Evil

I can’t prove it. But it’s my working hypothesis.

Friday Haiku

Jan reached the sink sponge,

When they put the Cuisinart

In her Freezer tray

Human centipede

Created by douche brothers

Largeman calls police

— ehcuodouche

douchebags and bleethskank

attempt the hokey pokey

after huffing glue

— troy tempest

Horrendous douchebags

Can’t quell my massive boner

Sapphic power rules**

— Doucheywallnuts

**rules, he says

What Is love? thinks the

Roxbury twins. Bleeths could care

less as hand starts groping.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

one out of five youths

overdose on alcohol

one down four to go

— the ‘bag apple

The Bleeths cluster bang

Douches gesture stupidly

Societal loss

— Capt. James T. Douche

Oldbag Harold Wears Pants On His Head

Clarissa prays the inheritence won’t be blown on Cialis and Depends.

All Sorts of Crap

Kill it.

Kill it with fire.