Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1

It is here. It is on.

Your first of three brackets. Bring it:

HCwDB of the Year Finalists #1 (Bracket #1): Mutato The Bug-Eye Freak and Sister Christie

Our most recent Monthly winner starts things off with a ‘bang.

And by bang I mean she-bang. I mean she-bop.

I have no idea what I mean.

But this is the first classic out-doors douchey/hottie inchoate cohabit.

And it is rank festering poo.

But this is a four entrant category. Three winners in the semifinals, then 3×1 to the finals.

Or something like that.

So we’s gots a long ways to goes.

HCwDB of the Year Finalists #2 (Bracket #1): The Uberbros and Pear Alice

From back in March comes this Monthly winning idiocracy or inanity.

For sheer ridiculosity, the Uberbros bring the douche spectacle in shades.

And by shades, I mean ‘spray.

Skunk ‘spray.

The ‘Bros are peacocking ninnies of nincompoopery.

Pear Alice offers soft supple curvature of the finest choice Pear Wine.

Together, they make a bad night in Hoboken.

But enough to win entrance into the finals?

One more entrant in the first bracket, and it’s a doozy:

HCwDB of the Year Finalists #3 (Bracket #1): Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret

Winning the monthly in July, the odious and tragic

Kisseus V had his inglorious run of ‘hawked makeouts with a variety of party hotts over the summer months, an epic scrotitude of grandious putridosity. Witness the run: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.

Thats’a some epic’a douchebaggery’a. And Margaret holds up her side of the hottness as well.

But enough to win bracket #1?

Now it’s your turn. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

The 2012 Douchies Start Tomorrow!

Be there.

Or be Mongorian.

Comment of the Week: Mr. Scrotato Head

Like a younger and more innocent pre-face-tatt Mack the Nozzle, Mr. Head brings the verbal smackdown in the My Daily Checklist thread and and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

—–

Why the Hell do they need watches? You need a watch to maintain a schedule. To get to work on time. To be there for someone when they need you to help move furniture, or paint a bedroom. Knowing the time contributes to a well lived life.

If you’re really really lucky you might see one look down at his watch with furrowed browl, call his bro over and complain, “I forget, does I get beer when the little hand is on the loopy number or on the one number what makes the sex joke when you put it with the other number?”

————–

Friday Thoughts and Links

The 2012 Douchie Awards, a much smaller and intimate affair, begin on Monday.

Mongor’s ready.

Are you?

Speaking of Mongor head sheen, I haven’t seen plastique forehead like that since the Millennium ‘Bag back in the halcyon days.

But I dither.

For I forlornly eat my HoHos and stare at the milky sky.

Here’s yer links:

Your HCwDB Israeli Indie Cinema Great Hanukkah Gift DVD Pick of the Week: “I’m on the verge of giving up on you.”

Chevos the Movie, a Kickstarter project run by a fist-pumping anal wart, may be the douchiest thing I’ve seen in months. Props to this blog for summing up the ridiculous scrotosity.

How to promote a comedy starring your annoying wife? Feature Megan Fox Boobies.

No matter how bad your high school experience was, at least you never had your jock inspected. Or did you?

Yup. The mid 1980s. When the DB1 reached puberty. And when high school kids were all played by actors in their mid 30s.

Wanna know the exact moment your humb narrs realized puberty in 1985? Right here.

It’s beginning to look a lot like a douchey-ass dubstep herpster Christmassss…

Wanna see the HCwDB equivalent of “The Ring?” Don’t look in the mirror.

Okay, so’s my links got nuthin’ this week. At least there’s Pear:

Meaty Cross Pear

For the angelic mofo win thatsswhatisetalkinbout.

Friday Haiku

Smiley McFlatChest

Looks on as History’s made:

OldBag meets No-Sag!

Those aren’t pasties

Her nipples are infected

From a bad boob job

— DoucheyWallnuts

The old guy prays for

Pinkie’s adhesive to fail

before his nap time.

— FoghornLeghorn

Frosty the Blow Man

Traded corn cob for crack pipe

Climbs gum drop mountains

Kandy Kane wants a

Kiss under her cameltoe

My yule log ignites

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Fake tits fake hair fake

Fur fake diamonds fake smiles,

Fake woman — real dick

— Ich verstehe sie ist heiß

Mike the Suburban Homie Makes the "Double Rocker Horns"

Mikey doesn’t normally attempt such a delicate move as the “Double Rocker Horns.”

But when the ladies of Sheboygan are ready to party, Mikey will bring it.

SheBOYgannnnn!

Joey The Creepy Kid You Went to Basketball Camp With Mugs Hannah

Joey, The Creepy Kid You Went to Basketball Camp With, is all grown up now.

He lives in the garage over his parents house in Dix Hills, Long Island.

He works in a paint store.

He saves up for the weekends, where he blows all his cash on tattoos, Bud Light Limes, and betting the over on the Brooklyn Nets.

Sexy Mayan-Eye-of-Coitus Hannah may be in community college in Great Neck, but her dream to become a costume designer for Broadway shows (a dream ever since she first saw Avenue Q in high school) is still very much alive.

Or at least it was.

Because Hannah’s father, Mr. Glickenfeld, has fallen down on the father job because he’s been overworked at the office and tired lately.

And Joey’s taken advantage.

There’s not much we can do to stop this atrocity, except for mock from a safe distance. And hope Hannah takes that roommate share on the UWS asap.

Livin' the Beard

I’m not sure it qualifies as classically douchey, but for those men losing their hair who do the inverted shaved-head/beard thing, uhm no. Please stop.

Dominatrix Monica suffocates me with the tatted thigh, and I thank her for it and ask for more.

My Daily Checklist

(x) Wake up to A.M. clock radio playing “Out of Time” by Huey Lewis and the News

(x) Have my Rube Goldberg breakfast maschine make me pancakes and Mr. T cereal

( ) Realize not all cultural references need to involve pop artifacts from the mid 1980s

(x) water the azelia tree growing on the supine lupus in the back yard

(x) feed the hybrid pygmy alpacas being bred on the veranda

(x) Pay special attention to my special alpaca friend. I call her “Susan.”

(x) Ponder a Godless universe by twirling in place and holding my breath

(x) view HCwDB pic submissions

(x) Become annoyed at injustice

(x) Punch a nearby pedestrian ferret in the nadsack

( ) Order lunch from Vitellos

The Vulcans of Long Island

Is this the one when Kirk and Spock almost kiss?