Douchie Awards
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Saturday, December 17, 2011
Comment of the Year Co-Winners: Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau
The great and encyclopediac Wheezer hands out the 2011 Douchie Award, as we continue on our second awards weekend:
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I started reading and commenting on this wonderful site back around April of 2008. What drew me to it was the recommendation of a friend, but what set HCwDB apart from cheap copycat sites (such as Three Ring Blogs’ followups “D-Bag Planet” and “D-Bagging,” not to mention “The Dirty”) was the commentary I found here.
I noticed that the Boss and I had a few similar thoughts about what passes as “culture” these days, even as the wit and wisdom exhibited by him and the regulars of the time was rather intimidating. “How can I contribute to this?” I often asked myself.
Over that time, some former regulars have apparently left for other pastures (or were kicked out of the house by their hott wives), while new regs have set up camp and are carrying that old torch just fine, thank you. And I still feel somewhat intimidated by the intellectual verve on display here daily. I may have spent less time here lately than in my earlier days, but the mock is still Grade-A and always will be. This is why I keep browsing this site on a daily basis: I never fail to laugh at the hijinks of the commenters… never mind drooling over the boobies. But I undress —– errrrr, I mean “digress”…..
So when the Boss decreed that I should give out the Douchie Award for Comment of the Year™, I was flabbergasted. It was just an innocent question I posed in a Saturday thread, after all, but it struck me that I’d have to go beyond seventeen syllables and see what I could do to reward greatness I’m not sure I can match. It feels like telling the 1988-ish version of Michael Jordan how to improve his dunks.
With no previous award format to review, I decided to look over the Comment of the Week™ winners and create some brackets, pitting them against each other much like how we do Monthly voting, and then go from there. And contrary to your thoughts, no, there were no “RevChad” and “Hermit” brackets. Maybe next year…
So without further ado (and since your bosses are tapping their feet behind you), I give you the Comment of the Year™:
Co-winners:
Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau
Runners-up:
Hermit, Tall Guy, Medusa Oblongata, and The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Honorable Mention:
Medusa Oblongata and Douche Wayne
Special mentions for witty brevity go to: Anonymous, Ich verstehe sie ist heiß, Doucheywallnuts (for naming a future Yearly contestant), Laura (for adding “weepsterbate” to the lexicon), and another Anonymous.
(But were I to start looking over comments as I write this, I’d have to include Doc Bunsen’s fabulous “First Date” winner write-up in my selections. It still gives me shivers.)
The Boss even gave me an extra week to mull over the contestants, and it still took me more time than that to reduce the list to about half of the Comments of the Week™ and then to pick my winners. And hell, I know there was a lot of unmined gold left in the threads, so you will likely disagree with me on just about all of these choices.
There was a bit of a commonality in the comments I thought of as even better than the best: there’s a shared idea of a grim outlook for our product- and attitude-driven future, but also the light at the end of this tunnel that shows us not simply acquiescing to this commercial douchebaggery. “We’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore,” so to speak. We will not let Idiocracy become the rule of the day, and this gives me hope, as I believe it does for the rest of you. After all, whether you’re an everyday reg, an occasional Anon, or somewhere in between, this is why we mock… for as long as douchebaggery runs unchecked (and unvaccinated), the mock shall inherit the earth….
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HCwDB of the Year
Bring it.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney
Knocking off the inflated grotesqueries of Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammtastic, , all is cohabit toxic for the finals in the HCwDB Universe.
The voters have spoken. TMIDITW overwhelms with the subtleties of douchery.
For this one pic, understated at first, contains all of the (un)holy toxic cohabit between tasty hot chick and narcissistic preening douchebag.
It may not blow you away with spectacle, but what it has is HCwDB at its most distilled and purest of impure essences.
Brittney is spankable spankleosity.
And TMIDBITW may not always make hand gestures… but when he does… they’re the Shocker.
Enough to take the prize?
Two more to go.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate
Knocking off a tough challenge from both the Herpster and Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, The Lump was too Vegasy not to make the finals.
And lets not forget Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger.
Here’s a throwback to the purest of classic HCwDB in a putrified Vegas swirl of wrongness.
This is 2008-era douchebaggery with hot chickery.
A pure suckle thigh confused by inflated tattbaggery and assholery attitudinalness.
Toss in crusty hair in a pool area, and fingerbagging, and it’s all a slope of pukey puke.
And Kate is pure of confusion and wrong choice. And so the dialectic is legit.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Part of a three pic run, of inglorious douchitude in presence of uberhottness, The Gynochin’s douche face and Brunette Rhea’s hottness were destined for the finals.
And lets not forget: Gynochin with Perky Peri. And there was
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
Gynochin and Rhea are “upper class” douchery, fancy 19th Century Dandyism. Proust by way of Disraeli by way of Lance Burton’s 1997 Vegas extras wardrobe sale.
Brunette Rhea is weepy bedroom eyes of painful groinal submission.
Gynochin is punch face.
Okay, fellow hunters and huntresses, this is it.
Which of these three deserve enshrinement as our 2011 HCwDB of the Year?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, December 15, 2011Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth: Poppa Squatter
Jacques Doucheteau hands out the award.
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Sing, goddess, the anger of Pelius’ poo and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Americans, hurled in their multitudes to the gym of Hades weak souls of ‘bags, but gave their bodies to be the delicate fisting of dogs, of all birds, and the will of Xenu was accomplished since that time when the first there stood in division of posturing Atreus’ fecal impaction the lord of poo and malodorous Poppa Squatter.
Legend proclaims that King Douchuous the IV had married a cloud, mistaking it for the goddess Francine. Xenu had created the cloud to test the undoucheliness of the brah king who wanted to carry off Francine. King Douchuous was severely punished for his inscrotumence, and was condemned to frolic about forever in the underworld, tied to a flaming Ford Focus.
But his offspring, the hideous Poppa Squatter who came tumbling from the cloud, remained on earth as a scourge to the mortals. For Poppa Squatter is a Manotaur, wild and vulgar and not honoring any of the gods. Half human, and half beast, as cunning as a wild man with substandard intellect and as savage as an untamed wild…beast, or something. Either way, he had inherited the worst dispositions of both, and negative six percent body fat.
The Manotaur lived without law and order, stormed over the fields and tanning salons, trampled crops and the Wednesday club happy hour crowd, carried off the farmers wives; daughters; and whey protein supplements, and ate raw egg whites blended in a low carb shake with spirulina and creatine. Finding solace dwelling at the center of the Glendale labyrinth, Poppa Squatter compels unwitting heros seeking quest to his lair, only to be crushed twixt his greased and hairless glutes like reps in his 300 lb Hack squats.
One mustn’t forget his concubine, Tendon Tina, who is referred to in Dante’s Inferno, an insufferable Harpy with the face and breasts of a sumptuous woman, but the body of a carnivorous raptor:
Inside here nest the repugnant Harpies
Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades
With foul prophecies of the coming poo.
They have beastly orange appendages, human necks and faces,
Feet with claws, and crab-like oiled bellies;
They shriek laments from up in the strange trees.
And so like the Gods who reside upon high Olympus, and Titans before them who were born of Gaia the Earth and Uranus lord of the Universe, we immortalize Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, casting their likeness into the constellations and closet of poo, and chronicle their odyssey to poodom in a 15,693 line poem (or “pooem” more like it, hehe) written in dactylic hexameter, the Douchiest Creature(s) From Ancient Greek Myth.
Runners up are as follows in no particular order:
Pecopolous and The Isle of Slutty Hott, cuz that post was already Greek sounding.
Nipplestopheles, because I wrote it.
Billy Dee Villhelm, just so I can stare at Champagne Katie one more time. Gr-r-r-rouf!
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Herpiest Herpster: The Herpster
Named after our initial tagging of the subspawn of Hipsterbag and Douchester, The Herpster brings all the conflated signifiers into semiotic entanglement.
Not to mention the hottness of Librarian Laura.
So let this brand new Douchie Award category go to the innovator who started it all. And led to atrocities like:
Herpster Frank
Dirty Harry
Superherpster
Herpster Melvin
Herpster Steve
Herpster Henry and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
A well deserved 2011 Douchie Award for tuxedo crotch, irono-glasses, and douchetatt. And let us all hang our heads in collective shame for this mutant hybrid spawnal development.
Thursday, December 15, 2011Best Golden Globes #1: Tiny Dancer Maria
Speaking of award winning hots… the voters have spoken. And Best G.G. #1 goes to Petite Tiny Dancer Maria.
For they are the firm of purity suckle gnaw spankle coalesce fondle poke.
And they deserve enshrinement.
Thursday, December 15, 2011Hottest Hott of the Year: Bracket #2
Because why not have two winners? Mmmm… femaleness. Here’s your all brunette lineup. Becomes I loves me some brunettes.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Bikini Clara
Enhanced? Perhaps.
But her sweet wholesome face and Mayan Eye of Coitus perfectly compliment a taut and viable womb structure that’s established for lengthy fertility.
Let us also not forget the creamy milky skin tone of sunset Bahama spackle pooch.
Long have Zoroastrian monks castrated the sheep in silent protest for the Godless void of mass suckle pooch denial as to the likes of Bikini Clara.
And yes, that last sentence made no linguistic sense.
But it made perfect sense is a toe nibble sort of way.
Besides, didn’t the post-structuralists prove that words contain inherent slippages of meaning that dead-end in referents that never resolve? Derrida said that, I believe.
Butt pooch.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: Brunette Rhea
Yes, she’s part of an HCwDB team competing in the Yearly, but that don’t mean Brunette Rhea don’t get her shot in the HHotY as well.
And that’s a lot of double negatives.
And let’s not forget:
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
While the Gyn and Rhea are odds on to compete for the HCwDB of the Year in a day or so, we should not deny Rhea her chance to be lovely in the Paulest McCartneyest sense.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Butt slap.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Oiled Up Sophie
Lo, how we almost forgot this powerhouse specimen of female perfection.
From back in October in a Friday Thoughts and Links, Oiled Up Sophie was so suckle grab, she not only helped us to ignore the doucheyness of Bro Johnson, she gave us glimpses of perfect crush thigh asphyxiation fantasy.
And lets not forget pic #2 of Oiled Up Sophie Goodness.
Hers are the thighs that thundered down from Zeus’s chariot screaming “SMACK ME AND YOUR ESOPHOGUS WILL SUFFER IN GLORIOUS SPASMS OF ECCLESIASTIC DELIGHT!!
Or something to that effect in such so many words.
Yup.
Nearing the end of the Douchies and the DB1 is getting loopy.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Stephie
And because I like to mix in some wholesome real world exotic beauties in the competition, there’s Emperor Hairoheato’s Stephie. Well, I’m tweaking her name to Stephie.
Okay, so I probably overused the name Stephanie this year. But whatevs. Deal with it.
From back in June, Stephie’s co-habit with Emperor Hairoheato caused much consternation.
And lets not forget Stephie at the Prom. On the third moon of Yavin. Before the Empire attacked the rebel base.
Honorable Hott mentions go to Lounge Lizard Larry’z Columbian Colette, Cindy-Anne, who probably would’ve made the finals if not for the porn vibe and Bleeth face, Eurohott Terezia, Somewhere in Glendale’s unconventional but tasty beauty, Varooshka, and Perfect Suckle Chomp Salina.
Butt these are your four. And by butt I mean butt. and by four I mean fondle.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011Most Annoying Rockerbag: Pukey Bowie
CB Popped hands out the award:
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His hot could be a little hotter, but is there any question about the societal loss that Pukey Bowie personifies?
His douchal purity rating goes off the chart as we count the numerous signifiers; Sunglasses inside a club, skanky lip ring, hat tilt, mandanna, retro denim self styled wristband, too many bracelets, dildonic facial expression, dogtags, and the unidentifiable substance clinging to his middle finger – which of course – is flipping the bird.
I can’t make out what the hat actually says, otherwise that would surely be another one.
The more I look at the blond here, the more I think her smirk reveals her own mock for the fungus that is clinging to her. The more I observe Pukey, the more nauseous I get.
Pukey – don’t give us the finger as you double fist cheap vodka, or we will pull the tongue right out of your head. Furthermore, dont wear the retro David Bowie button – we severely doubt you know anything other than Ziggy Stardust, if that.
Its a tough category – Toxic Terry was in the hunt as was the hotdog water smelling Band Promoter Petey.
Both certainly pulled the hots while displaying numerous Douche signifiers, but in the end Pukey wins (loses) in a No – Brainer contest as the Most Annoying Rockerbag this year.
The picture says a thousand words, all of them negative.
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Douchiest Facial Fung: Brothabag Leon
Douche Springsteen hands out the award to an old friend. And by friend, I mean squatpiddle:
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Dorfman, I’ve thought long and hard about this…
Actually that’s not entirely true. Choosing the “winner” of this year’s Douchiest Facial Fung was easy. I started in the archives in January and found the most offensive contender so soon that I was tempted to just stop my search since I knew no one could possibly top it, but I felt it my duty to slog through the entire year. Presenting a Douchie is not to be taken lightly. Besides, I hadn’t even got down to the label on my bottle of Old Grand-Dad and knew that plenty of HC would be a welcome foil to all the DB.
Calling Brothabag Leon’s facial fung “peacocking” would be a disservice to peacocks. Their gaudy display of attention getting plumage is a product of nature to ensure the survival of their species. In Leon’s case he goes out of his way to painstakingly shape his facial hair into shapes that wouldn’t look out of place on a Georgia O’Keefe canvas just so he can rub his pee-pee against some bleeth after buying her a few $17 martinis. Whether he stands in front of the mirror with a precision sculpting implement or goes to a salon to achieve this look is anyone’s guess.
In either case, it’s such an affront to the evolutionary function of the beard (keeping a man’s face warm while he chops wood, hunts, works the land, etc.) that he should be made to answer to a panel of judges headed by Grizzly Adams for his crimes against humanity. Shave or die, Brothabag Leon.
Runners-Up:
The Chernobros (8/22/11)
Not to be overlooked is the double-flush of the Chernobros. Chernobro Joe’s chin-shrub is pretty bad but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before on these hallowed pages. Why he decided to stop shaving exactly where he did is between him and his maker.
However, Chernobro Moe’s arbitrary bi-level pencil thin lines of facial hair bisecting his bloated face are truly unique and deserve some recognition. And by recognition I mean mocked so hard that he cries and shaves off those ridiculous fung pinstripes so hard that two layers of skin come off with them.
Finally, some (Dis)Honorable Mentions in the field of 2011’s Douchiest Facial Fung are:
Brothabag Jesus Is Not In The Military
The Ferret
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Douchiest Douche-Face: Tighty-Whitey Douche
Douchey Wallnuts hands out the award:
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Eleven months, over 50 candidates. Poo, poo everywhere and what a mighty stink… Going back to the beginning of 2011 and coming up with this list was an eye-melting, brain cell-killing experience that had me reaching for the promotional sized bottle of Maker’s Mark, while I wept for the magnitude of the Societal Loss on display on these web pages.
My criteria was simple, if they appeared in a picture and had been given a nickname they were eligible. There were rare exceptions where the face was so punchable that I decided to give them a name and enter it into my Douche-Face Analyzer. I was able to whittle the list down to a manageable 6 candidates.
Which brings me to my first nominee, Tighty-Whitey Douche who appeared in a group picture in November. You can see why he made the cut.
The Herpster. He makes me hate, as do all good (bad) douche-faces. I’d love to make his head tlit permanent via a broken neck.
A. Samuels. This is a video entry, which makes his face more douchey and more frightening. Not only should A. Samuels get punched in the face, he should get stomach cancer.
Gynochin. In the monthly winner comments Dude McCrudeshoes said it best, when he recognized Gyno’s “impressive body of work.” Societal Loss at its best.
Too Tight Tony. He embodies all the classic symptoms of the Grieco Virus, while toiling in relative anonymity in Middle Douche-Earth. No need for any other pictures of this guy. He doesn’t have to win a monthly. He represents all the one-shot, randoms on the site.
Hello Kitty Hott. Since we are equal opportunity mockers I see no reason why we shouldn’t include a female nominee in this catregory. She’s made many appearances, but deserves a full-on punch in the face for her douchette-face and for her taste in men.
And the winner is….
Tighty-Whitey Douche is the recipient of this year’s Douchiest Douche Face Award. A face you would kill, on top of all of the de rigeur douchebag elements.
Groin Shave Reveal, bathing trunks that make him look like a total dick, bleeth that is both hot and tranny-like and a complimentary douche-bleeth couple who are borderline award-worthy in their own right.
He didn’t need to make a overly “facey” face or execute a contrived “for-the-picture” expression; his face in its natural state is the epitome of douchey.
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The John Largeman: Zen Beard Guy
Et tu Douche? hands out the award to the ever watching Buddha that watches us all:
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For the most part, when we mock it’s primarily aimed at the main subjects in the picture. However I’ve noticed that some of the best comments tend to arise when it comes to persons and or objects in the background.
I’ve only been around for a couple of years yet in that time some of the best chuckles I’ve gotten have been from these background images the funniest being John Largeman So I thought why not celebrate them at the yearly and in honor of JL name the award after him?
With out further ado I submit to you the 2011 John Largeman Douchie for best person, persons or inanimate object in the background.
While Wankus is a true ass clown ruining the bachelor party for everybody, and Pearielle is taught, PtP, gluteous suckle munch the true genius in this pic is Zen Beard Guy Aka “William Macy in Redbeard disguise”. Kudo’s to The Dude for coming up with that moniker.
The look in Redbeards’ eyes say so much. The slightly buzzed, focused lecherous intensity is awesome! He got the invite, he saved the date and planned around it and you know damn well he showed up with a wad full of money in the front pocket of his jeans that he knew he wasn’t coming home with and I applaud that. We are only left to ponder what went down when it was his time to enjoy the succulence that is PtP Pearielles ass. Zen Beard guy is enough alone to win but let us not forget the poor, forgotten, lonely URC and that this won the coveted weekly.
You’re probably saying to yourself but ETD? There were other posts that deserved some recognition and you’d be right. The runner-ups in no particular order are as follows:
Lil’ Pepe. At first blush not much going on in this pick but it wasn’t until (Hurl Scheibe) noted “Uptight white guy is” which set off one of the better meme’s of the year at which point Lil’ Pepe and Drunk Caroline boobal fondle were a mere afterthought. Good work (Hurl Scheibe)
Jan Lärggmän. Here DB1 give us JL’s Scandinavian? doppelganger. Who among us hasn’t had this look on their face when all you wanted to do was belly up to the bar, check out some sporting event on the tube, enjoy a beverage and then have to ignore the buffoonery of unnecessary euro baggery. His look of disdain speaks volumes.
The Collective Hand of the Unconscious anbd WTF Couple in Tommy-Pak. This submission had a double whammy. The facial expressions on the couple entering in the background screams “You gotta be shitting me, what have we gotten ourselves into?”
Honorable mentions:
