HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, March 21, 2011
HCwDB of the Week: The Poos Brothers and Terézia
Given last week was the Monthly, we had over two weeks of pubster/hottlick to go through and parse, and the parsin’ was parcimonious.
But while I almost gave it to the ambiguous lesbianity of Troll Dog, in the end, the hottie/douchey dialectics of the Poos Brothers acting stupid near eastern euro hott body, was too strong not to (dis)honor.
For the Poos Brothers are a twin duality of name-brand suckage.
Ginormous watches and hipster stupid hat.
Half finished chest tatts and the beginnings of Hitler Chin.
All mixed with the perfect suckle bobbles of Terézia from Bratslava.
Combined, that’s a toxic combo and a worthy Weekly winner.
In a two week period that saw us run the gamut from Gay Australian Cowboys to Canadian Wipes, the tasty tatines of Johnny Dipp’s Caribbean Hott, the creepy freakshow of Who Wears Short Shorts?, the mating calls of “Asswipius Douchevegas,” and the weirdness of Scoliosis Joel, this was a tough one. But an (un)worthy one.
Chalk up our first entrant in the next Monthly, and your humble narrator for sugar enhanced Trader Joes corn flakes.
Monday, March 7, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Smarm Candy and Patty
Last week was a seriously competitive douche-off of hott and choad steam. We had the Fry Guys, Toolbags on Sale, the legal threats of Champagne Katie, and the odious Vegaswankery of General Lickarthur and Shane Choking a Bitch.
But no pic more encpasulated the tragedy of quality suckle thigh getting macked on by Members Only ferret turd than the Smarm Candy’s fondling of Patricia.
Our last Weekly winner (loser) before next week’s voting-enhanced Monthly smackdown, this hottie/douchey sleazery is a potent reminder that in our post Jersey Shore era of irony, the real douches still lurk.
To be mocked.
And wear fauxhawk.
Monday, February 28, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Toxic Terry and Angelica
It was a rockerpud douche-slide.
Many, like Army of Doucheness, observed that this may be the douchewank from some briefly famous band called Crazytown. Regardless, no Rockstar Leniency Rule granted.
This wiggachoad deserves our full collective mock. And Angelica’s sweet, sweet curves deserve our collective gnaw. Some of the immediate responses:
Wheezer: I smell a Weekly winner. And it’s a stench of Axe, poo, and last night’s late patty melt rush at the Waffle House.
Douche Springsteen: Is that the dude from Crazy Town? And is that some sort of hybrid of Peg Bundy / Donna from That 70s Show that escaped from a lab that brings my bizarre TV sitcom character sex fantasies to life?
Luis Douchuel: Oooh celebridouche. Somehow this makes me feel better. And by feel better I mean puke.
Mr. White: re: the Crazy Town douche AND the Katy Segal hott. I want her to dress up like Lela from Futurama and play cyclops sex games with me.
Foxy Mocksy: Tough guy exterior with emotional problems interior is like crack to the ladies. You are most assuredly correct DB1. The ladies that can’t see through this ploy. Take your wounded tattooed bunny routine elsewhere douchebag.
Deltus: She is far too tasty yumm gargle rinse repeat to be anywhere near him, “celebrodouche” or not. Actually tough guys would wipe their asses with him. Not his shirt, mind, but *him*.
But Magnum Douche P.I. sums it up best with the following:
The term “celebrity” has gotten extremely watered down over the past few years. This guy is a slapable douche, no matter if he was on some reality show I never hear of or not.
Yes. Yes he is. And she is tasty.
Together, a quite viable hottie/douchey dialectic to go with your Monday Irish Coffees, and a worthy next entrant in our next HCwDB of the Month.
(Dis)honorable mention to the increasingly nottadouche and heroic Frobot, Skippy and Timmy Playboy Gangstas, The infant suckletude of Sailor Sam and Kelly, and the irritating Angry Lip Guy Shushes You. Also there was the confounding Kennedy Head Wound ‘Bag, and, of course, the important news that The Donkster Goes Free!
An important week of douchable developments on many fronts. But now your humble narrator will eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Or two.
Monday, February 21, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie
Lets get all Presidents Day up in this corpuscle!
Last week had some Ferret. Some Eurobag. Some Orange Flush And the return of Brothabag Leon.
We also extrapolated our developing theory of the importance of understanding the Mayan “Eye of Coitus” in all its permutations.
But in the end, it was tight sweater greasehead and tasty bottle hott for the win (loss).
Perfection of female form in the tiny slinky flapper girl of 1920s prohibition party that is Champagne Katie.
Nor should we underestimate the Colt 45 Doucheness of Billy Dee, wallet chains, stupid rings and rosary bling combined.
As with last month’s Monthly winner, it’s important for us to remember that hottie/douchey dialectics require both the punchworthy douche-face as well as the tasty shoulder gnaw female taut bobble.
And we cannot discount the second appearance of Billy Dee and Champagne Kate. Champagne Kate Makes Her Hott Pose, while Billy Dee hits on a lady in the background.
However, Mr. Biggs dissents from my pick, writing in with a strong argument for for Che Tattvara and cross-eyed Kate:
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Reminiscent of the couples who’ve ruined so many once decent hangouts here in LA, Che and Katie rip wormholes through American culture like a leaking BP gusher. Che’s tattoos are a scrambled mess that are a fuck-you to anyone who wears tattoos as an ideological conviction. It’s purely to attract hott, as evidenced by the open shirt. Do I even need to get into the Che cap and beard? The guy’s probably a Tea-Partier if anything.
And that brings us to tasty yet cross-eyed Kate, who’s just as spiritually cross-eyed. She’s the kind of girl who’s been dolling herself up for debutante balls since she stole mommy’s lipstick at age 6. And now she’s getting herself into all the hip hangouts. Of course she has no clue what she’s getting into, only that El Che fills the bill in spades.
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Well argued Mr. B. But this was and is the Lando of Calrissians of douchebaggery, and the Millennium Falcon of boobies.
Chalk up Billy Dee and Champagne Katie for our next slot in the next monthly on this President’s Day. And your scratchy DB1 to munch on some bagel with smear. And by smear, I mean gouda.
Friday, February 18, 2011The Greasepitz Take a Break
Sometimes all that douche bronzin’ to hit on the housewives at the “Male Social Revue” takes a lot out of a guy.
And ya just gotta kick back and relax with some of the chorus members from next door’s Cirque du Soleil show, “Overe Priced Shite.”
EDIT: Whoops, had a premature pubjaculation this morning before the Haiku. Now it’s ready for collective mock.
Monday, February 14, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Stephanie and Suzanne meet the Greasepitz
A vile hottie/douchey cohabit from back on February 1st, this perfectly balanced double dose of scrotal/innocent dialectic is a prime example of the Zen of HCwDB in all its cultural atrocities.
Why?
Because often we see the slutty hotts and the ‘bags, and while the hott may be lustworthy in a douchadox sort of way, they pretty much deserve each other. Thus, no real discourse is generated. As we saw recently with, say, Nunzio’s Abs, Your Saturday Vegas Valtrex Sandwich or Yankee Doodle Doodie.
But here we have Blue Dress Stephanie and White Dress Suzanne. Both ubergnaw. Firm of buttocks and spirit. Two young giggle bobbles just looking to go out and have fun at the clubs.
And here we have the Greasepitz. Groin shave reveal and oiled up abs. Douche faces and douche everythings.
Together, they form the proper wrongness of cultural disgrace that deserves to be highlighted as a Weekly winner.
(Dis)honorable mention to the costumed but still douchey warrior for Reagan-era douchebaggery, Rambro, The shaming of the British Empire with Charles Dickens, the reappearance of Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie as Angry Bert, and the odious and best quickly forgotten (although potential 2011 Douchie Award winning) Speedo Shot First.
And a special, special grope-out to Melanie.
But lets chalk up the the two Emerson costume design majors and the Greasepitz as the first to compete in the next Monthly, and aim to take on our first monthly winner, Gynochin and Rhea, at the 2011 Douchie Awards.
Monday, January 31, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Ronnie the Rivethead and Woo Girl Kelly
Last week was a week for visits from old friends.
And by “old friends,” I mean legendary uberdouche mockworthy hyperpuds who deserve nothing but scorn and a good showering of epithets and mock. Like The King, The Starry Blight and Hello Kitty Hott, the legend that is Smoot, and we even found The Starhawk hangs with Hello Kitty Hott and The King.
But amidst the classics, we found a new and distinct pud macking on hott in the douchiest of ways. Ronnie The Rivethead, and the tastiest of party girl woo hotties, Woo Girl Kelly.
As reader DarkSock put it at the time:
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Ronnie, a veteran of the 2007 U.S. led invasion of Homoslavia, threw himself onto a Faberge’ Egg grenade to save his platoon. He lost the use of his left nut and eventually lost his taste for girls and barbeque; eventually diagnosed by the VA as suffering from Post-Dramatic Ass Disorder.
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DarkSock’s backstory is both metaphorical, as well as literal. Ronnie’s sagging pimple flesh and diaper, plus Woo Girl Kelly’s ridiculous hottness, was too toxic a combo to ignore.
A well deserving HCwDB of the Week coupling, and the last of our entries before next week’s open vote for HCwDB of the Month.
Also, props to Grampa Joel. Who still wins at the game of life. As well as Mahjong by the Ft. Lauderdale pool at 2pm.
Monday, January 24, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Carla and The Bros ™
Carla’s sexy/porny Vegas boobuousness mixed with the tri-shirtless douchebaggery of The Bros ™ would’ve been enough to have a shot at winning a Weekly on its pure hottie/douchey visceral merits.
But then, in the comments thread, Sabio and The Bros ™ responded to HCwDB with an explosion of diarrhetic douche-speak.
We quickly discovered we’d inadvertently tapped into a fertile vein of Canadian Paid-to-Douche twatwaffle.
And by fertile vein, I mean face penii.
So for the douchey Sabio and his team of twatedness, and for Carla’s boobery, a well deserved HCwDB of the Week and slot in our next Monthly.
With appearances by HCwDB legends like The Starhawk, King D and 4 Prong, last week also featured The Ninja in the Picture accompanied by Hall of Scrote legend, Cro ‘Bagnon.
(Dis)honorable mention also goes to Prinze and Jessica, who nearly won the whole enchilada.
But them’s your third Weekly winner. A mock well deserved to Sabio and his Bros ™, to Carla and her tastyness, and the DB1 for Corn Pops.
Monday, January 17, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Stay Puft Pantywankers
Undies poke, Jesus bling, chin fung and stupid hair. On the flip side, boozy, collegiate making-bad-choices Arizona State woo slutty hotts who slur their words, drink too much, but are healthy and firm when it counts.
Not a perfect hottie/douchey dialectic, by any stretch, as they are pretty much made for each other, but a qualifying combo of douchetributes and boobies, and, thus, a Weekly Winner.
While I almost gave it to Douchey Juan and Monica for the tasty hott but strangely dressed Monica, Juan just wasn’t douchey enough to carry it.
Last week featured some quality Guggenheim material for my inevitable art show in 2023. And also some top shelf collegiate sorority gnaw. But Classic Vegas pudscrape and Arizona State Woo Slutty Hotts are a classic combo for the win (loss).
(Dis)honorable mention to the oldbags of Billy and Willy, and Quartasian Sara also makes my tingleys feel jibbly.
Thursday, January 13, 2011Gynochin Still Pulling Hotts, Has a Penis Nose
Further confirmation that our first Weekly winner of the new year will be a formidable penis nose in the monthly.
Not sure if that’s Brunette Rhea (need a ruling from the regs), but she is quality leg chomp lemur spank. And so I bite softly. And with delicate chew.
